My Dinosaur Era Chapter 9

 

I dream, fretful, excited dreams, faces from the past appear at windows

an old boss picks a scab on my arm

I shoo him away

my hand goes right through him

there are birds everywhere, on my head, on my arms

I am their tree

a figure in a suit of armour leans on a wall, waving

I try to wave back, my arms stay still

 

awake, I curl into a ball

my head sliding down the pillow to the mattress

my tee shirt is soaked with sweat, happens most nights

even in winter

I close me eyes again, the night has a long way to run

I hear footsteps above me, the woman upstairs

she rarely leaves her flat, when she does it’s in a hurry

being outside haunts her, quick dash to tesco express

bolt the door again

the sound of her comforts me, informs me of my whereabouts

let me drift away to another place

 

I dream, this time there is a peaceful aura

my hands are blurred, just beyond them is a plate

biscuits galore

I reach for a bourbon, its holes enlarge

big enough to fit my indistinct fist inside of it

I delve down into the chocolate

jane sits next to me, long flowing white dress

undulating in a light breeze

she takes my biscuit hand, bites off a corner

huge crumbs tumble down her front

I laugh, she laughs, she eats my whole hand

 

awake, I lie on my back, stretch my legs to their fullest extent

it feels like morning, I turn my head to the window

it looks like morning

I look at my hands, imagine them in jane’s mouth

her teeth scraping against my fingernails

I get out of bed, I don’t want to be here

 

it is past nine, I am late for the day,managed no work yesterday

need to fly this morning, smash out some shite for the system

my laptop takes an age to light up, it is old, tired of this routine

there’s a work email, already, so early, jesus

sent at one this morning, from emma, the nearest I have to a boss

the words feel jumbled, I skip to the end

thanks for all your hard work, best of luck for the future

 

fired before I’ve even had a piss this morning

morning has broken

I make coffee, get back into bed

they’re taking all the freelance work back in house she said

reorganisation, blah, something, whatever, standard blather

I gulp coffee, waiting for some anger, some morsel of disappointment 

nothing, maybe I’m still asleep, maybe

I’m sat next to jane

her still nibbling at the crumbs where my hand once was

I look back over at my laptop, still shining out from the corner of the room

it illuminates the new green backdrop

patches of the shitty yellow that lay below shine in the white light

 

I message ginny

I got fired, wanna get drunk today

she replies straight away, unusual for her

oh timmy, I’m sorry, though you did fucking hate that job

she has a point

can’t get drunk today, maybe tonight, I have work today

sorry

she works in a hotel, head of housekeeping she says

she gets to make sure everything is clean, boss people about

her dream job

why don’t you see if petula is free, smiley face, kiss kiss

 

last night we sat holding hands for a while

jurassic park stayed incomplete on the wall

it was late, she squeezed my hand

I should go, I have yoga in the morning, she said, I know, such a brighton thing to do

I laughed, yes it totally is, I said

you’re not from here though, I said

no, from the middle of nowhere, leicestershire, she said

it’s the middle of england, I said

yes, it is, where I lived was about sixty miles from the sea, she said

I can’t imagine being that far from the sea, I said

nor can I now, she said

we used to go to southend when I was a kid, that felt like miles away, I said

we stood as one, still hands entwined

ok then, I said

yeah, she said

I opened the door to the flat, stood facing each other

our hands dropped away

well, see you then, she said

yeah, see you then, I said

 

I sit back down at the laptop, read the email again

checking that it was real

my fingers want to reply, caustic words

untethered passive aggression

spill some bile before breakfast

eventually, I type

ok, thanks for letting me know

I feel a surge of relief that I shall not have to do this again

almost a year of writing shite

enticing people to go on bad holidays

beckoning them into places that should serve as relief

from whatever their lives have given them

I have the answer, it’s such a lovely place

such a lovely place

 

I scroll down to petula on my phone

press call

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