Wembley Praise Day

The seven men had walked down to Wembley Stadium and were standing outside. They had parked their seven seater Vauxhall car half a mile away. One of them spoke into a mobile phone.
"We're outside Wembley Stadium. There's nobody here."
"Wembley Stadium? It's not Wembley Stadium. Just because it's Wembley Praise Day doesn't mean it's at Wembley Stadium. It's Wembley Conference Centre."
"Do you know what it's like trying to get parked in London on a Saturday afternoon? A woman chased us out of her street. You're not parking that old car outside my house and it's all covered in Jesus stickers. I said it was Saturday and the normal parking rules don't apply. She said she had the traffic warden's telephone number."
"Oh, James thinks we're at Wembley Stadium. The Kansas City Prophets were right. There's revival in the land. 90,000 people have joined our church. There's a community house in every town, city and village across the UK. The only place big enough for an annual meeting is Wembley Stadium. James, revival didn't happen. We're in Wembley Conference Centre. All 1500 of us. Hallelujah."
"Can you text me the postcode?"
"You have got the later Vauxhall Zafira with the satnav, haven't you?"
"I hope so."

Matthew was also having a few problems with his Citroën. He had pulled into a petrol station. He got out of the car. The petrol pump was on the wrong side. Surely the hose from the pump would be long enough to go around the back of the car. No it wasn't. Matthew drove around and positioned himself next to another pump on the passenger side of the car. The hose seemed very short. It still wouldn't reach. The man in the car behind was getting impatient and honked his horn a few times. Matthew reversed right up so that the car was at a strange angle and the petrol pump was outside the back window. Now he could refuel. Michael followed him into the shop to buy a drink.
"Pastor Boris loves that car," said Michael. "He won't ever get rid of it. It's never broken down and he didn't even buy it new. Registration number MJU. He calls it the magic car."
"But the fuel intake is on the wrong side."

At Wembley Conference Centre a YouTube video of a preacher was playing on the big screen. He was a regional leader no one had ever seen before. To Matthew and James, who were in their fifties, he looked really young, an apprentice of Pastor Boris.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on Earth, where thieves break in and steal, where moth and rust destroy. God doesn't want us to have bank accounts. God doesn't want us to have cash ISAs. God doesn't want us to have pensions. God wants us to sell all we have and live very simply. This is our lifestyle of poverty. This is our discipline. If you've got wealth, it's got a hold on you." The sermon was interrupted by an advert.
"Win millions on the Euro Lottery. I believe it! Win millions on the Euro Lottery. I believe it!" The advert ended and the preacher continued. "Is God calling you to be married? Marriage is good. We need Christian families. We need another generation of Christian children. But if God isn't calling you to be married, is he calling you to become celibate? Renounce marriage for the Kingdom of Heaven. Don't just say, I'm happy enough being single until the right person comes along. You'll be forever looking for it. No. Don't dither in Jesus. Be committed to marriage or be committed to celibacy. We can do this in community. In community we all love each other in purity, as brothers and sisters." Another advert interrupted the sermon. A woman was holding a tube of cream.
"My husband was useless in bed. I wanted to leave him for another man. This sex cream works. Phone the number on your screen. Your partner will thank you that you phoned this number."
"Isn't it about time the church bought some subscriptions to YouTube?" asked James.
"Pastor Boris says they're a waste of money," said Michael.
"It's better than having your sermons constantly interrupted by adverts saying exactly the opposite of what you're preaching."

Matthew was standing on the stage. He had been asked to sing a hymn. He had changed the words slightly. Instead of singing 'Zion I Love You' Matthew would be singing 'Sisters I Love You.'

"Sisters you are my joy, my crown and delight,
Sisters you are my life and precious in my sight.
People beloved of God, my heart loves you too,
Blessed be the covenant that binds my soul to you.
Sisters I love you, sisters I love you,
Sisters my heart belongs to you.

And on my brotherhood you can depend,
My family, kith and kin, you are my dearest friends.
People beloved of God, my heart loves you too,
Blessed be the covenant that binds my soul to you.
Sisters I love you, sisters I love you,
Sisters my heart belongs to you.

Perhaps two or three of the sisters from our community houses could come and sit in these seats on the stage. I'll sing this song again and I'll sing it to you personally." Maria screamed and ran into the ladies' toilets. Six of her friends followed her. Matthew had been looking at the woman with the long dark hair, round plastic glasses, brightly coloured polar neck sweater and sheepskin coat. Now she was standing up and shouting.
"Matthew, that is so embarrassing. If you were a young woman, and you were sitting there listening to that, just imagine how you would feel."
"You stood on this stage last year and you sang, brethren I love you, brethren I love you."
"I didn't mean it in quite the same way that you meant it. I wasn't singing that I fancied people."

They sat down to have lunch together. Matthew spread some cream cheese on his bread rolls and dipped his fork into some sweetcorn and chick peas mixed with rice.
"Where would be without sisters, eh?" he asked. "They make all the food, they do all the cleaning."
"Where would we be without misogyny?" asked Colin.
"Matthew, I think your song upset people," said James.
"I had a serious theological point in rewriting that hymn. I wanted to teach the brethren to overcome sexual desire and lust. Lust is seeing a woman as something completely sexual. If you love a woman with intense, hysterical brotherly love, there can be no lust. Sexual temptation disappears. You realise that women were made for something else."
"Matthew, your attitude to sisters is commendable," said Colin, "but you should have more respect for how they are feeling."
"Poor Matthew," said James. "It's like you're living in a world of aliens trying to work out how to communicate with them."
"Pastor Boris is going to preach on his five favourite Bible verses this afternoon," said Matthew. "Christians can prove anything from their five favourite Bible verses. I never bring a Bible to any of our meetings because I know all the Bible verses that the preachers usually preach about."
"Matthew," said James, "I have done leadership training with this church and we do not have five favourite Bible verses from which we think we can prove anything. We actually have nine or ten. And we can only use them to prove the official teachings of this church."
"Oh Matthew," said Michael, "you can't know what Pastor Boris is going to preach about this afternoon unless he has told you."
"Yes I do."
"Go on then," said Colin. "What is he going to preach about?"
"He's going to talk about the rich young man giving all his money to the poor. Then he's going to talk about the first Christians living together and having everything in common. Then he'll give us a very strong warning about not loving the world or anything in the world and not storing up treasure on Earth instead of Heaven."
"Oh Matthew," said Michael, "you can't possibly know."

Pastor Boris came onto the stage. Some Bible verses appeared on the screen behind him.
"This is the definition of discipleship. Not my definition. Not our definition. Not this church's definition. This is Jesus' definition of discipleship in Matthew chapter 19. Peter said, 'We have left everything to follow you.' Jesus said, 'No one who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father and mother will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this life and in the age to come eternal life.' The rich young man just wouldn't do it. Jesus told him to sell all he had and give the money to the poor. Then come and follow me. What does it mean to be a disciple? What does it mean to be a follower of Christ? If other churches think they're fine ask them where they live. Those poor disciples, who had given away everything except the bare minimum essentials necessary for physical life, shared everything. They had all things in common. There it is again, the definition of a disciple in the book of Acts. I dare not say that this is optional. To have all things in common is to be a disciple. Will you come and join your brothers and sisters living in community or will you hoard? Do not store up treasure on Earth where moth and rust decay and thieves break in and steal. Does that describe you? Does that describe your pension? Does that describe your bank account? Give it all away. Come and join us."

That evening Matthew was driving everyone home the hundred miles or so from Wembley to Bournemouth.
"What did you think of today, then?" he asked.
"Just another thing I have to do," said Michael. "I don't have much interest in it. I don't know if I even believe in it anymore. Why we can't we just be an ordinary church?"
"Blasphemy," said Colin. "We're a different kind of church. We've got a vision for God's kingdom and a vision for community. Other churches are totally dead and shouldn't even be called churches."
"Michael, if you want ordinary church," said Matthew, "why don't you leave?"
"Once you've joined the community you're not allowed to leave. The church leaders put a curse on you. They told my friend that he would get cancer and God wouldn't heal him. He was living in disobedience to the teaching revealed to this church. Quite apart from divine displeasure, where would I get a job? I'm 59 years old and have spent my life digging potatoes on the farm. Still, I'm grateful. Before I came here I was unemployed for 20 years. I just think of church meetings like working an extra Saturday, like we do at harvest time, just something I have to do in return for having 3 meals a day and a roof over my head."
"Michael," said Jenny, "you're supposed to join our community because you've renounced the pleasures of this world and want to live a radical lifestyle for Jesus, not just so you can be better off."
"I wouldn't worry," said Stanley, "that's probably what most of the people who live in our community have done."
"I thought it was all a very lovely day," said Jenny, "all those people from all over the country coming together and worshipping Jesus. The only thing that spoilt it was Matthew's song."
"The church leaders asked me to sing and they seemed to be perfectly happy for me to choose Zion I Love You."
"They didn't expect you to change the words. It's Zion I love you, not Sisters I love you. Matthew, no woman is ever going to be your girlfriend if you behave like that. You're going to have to stop flirting all the time."
"No woman is ever going to be your girlfriend if you think like that," said Stanley. "Women demand your undivided attention, ideally, or at the very least your loyalty. The one thing you're not allowed to do is fall in love with somebody else."
"Matthew, you've got absolutely no chance," said Michael.
"I tried so hard to get a girlfriend for so many years."
"If you're the romantic type why did you become celibate?" asked Michael.
"I was working my way through the church telephone directory, constantly phoning people and asking them out on a date. Peace came when God told me to love them all as much as each other."
"I remember your phone call," said Jenny. "You're probably less of a nuisance now that you're celibate."