Here...we...go

How did you do that?

Do what?

Make yourself louder? You used to be really quiet. Like the way a kid whispers when he's sleeping. But then you got louder and louder.

I woke up Will. I was asleep dreaming your life and you woke me up. You made my words echo in your own fucking head.

What do you want?

O for fuck sake don't be so dramatic. I'm not gonna tell you burn things, or drown small animals, or any weird shit. I want what you, and from what I've gathered the majority of the world want. Be fucking happy.

I am happy.

No were not kid. Maybe you've been asleep this whole time...ew is that a cliché? That felt like a cliché. Fuck it.

What do I call you?

Will.

That's my name.

No!??!!? What a coincidence we have the same damn name how about that.

You're not funny asshole.

I'm hilarious and you know it you repressed little shit. As it stands now I have one question?

What?

Why is everything I say crossed out?

Crossed out? What the hell are you talking about?

O I see whats going on, nevermind forget I mentioned it.

What did I miss?

Just the fourth kid.

Of July?

Bow your head, take both hands open palm facing you and cover your face. That's called shame. Should be used to it by now.

O fuck you dude. If you're gonna stick around, and I don't see you going anywhere. You need to stop being such an asshole.

You've always been hard on yourself.

Yeah but that was it. On myself. Not a seperate..thing in my head.

I'm more than a thing.

Shut the fuck up I'm not done yet. I can't stop you from chiming in, but I sure as fuck can do other things. I run the show still here dipshit, so don't fuck with me. Are we clear?

Bah, hahahahaha. O shit. That was good I really felt it, all that Inside the Actors Studio with James Lipton really paid off. Don't get your briefs in a knot. I'll chill out on being a dickhead, but you have to let me get out more, I need experience.

Like what kind of experience?

Life shit, you watch movies right kid?

Yeah I love em.

Well don't you want to know how close to real life some of that is?

No.

No, o shit. Why? Why the fuck not kid?

Because I know the difference between reality, and whats in movies and TV.

Do you though? How do you or for that matter I know the difference? You haven't done shit. Admit it, you want more.

More of what?

Fuck, everything. Girls, money, feeling good, doing something with your life. Making a difference, in a good way. You can bea good person and be a horrible person. It just depends on who you ask. no one person is right. How do you feel when you look in the mirror? are you proud, happy, content, or are you fucking settling. Because that's what I see.

That just sounds like it has so many issues. Like I feel like you can't have ALL that ya know. I mean who does? 

George Clooney, he also has a pig.

Whatever, your asking for a tall fucking order I can't just make this happen over night. 

Of course not that would be ludicrous, which is why I took the liberty of psychologically planting seeds all over.

The fuck does that mean?

Relax it's an analogy remember those? I meant let me take over. While you were being sad and shit I was getting better...at everything.

Like for good?

What no, I can never take over for good. We are split, but we are one. I think that's a chinese proverb.

No it isn't.

Scholars Maintain that...

Stop it you're not funny, and you're not that Will either.

Fuck I was just quoting the movie. Stop being so serious, really it's getting on my nerves and it makes me want a cigarette.

What, when did we start smoking? We have smoked like 3 cigarettes in the last 4 months.

Aw, did you count them all by yourself? Kidding, kidding. I Like them very much, so technically WE as a unit like them...haha unit.

Do you have Peter Pan Syndrome?

Do you have stupid, uh smelly syndrome. Fuck! that was awful. Yes, again WE have that. It's a delightful infectious thing. It is going to keep us young and awesome even were 90.

Whatever, are you always going to be in my ear?

Yes, but when I take over you're in mine. It's a two-way street kid the quicker you get that, the easier this whole thing will be. 

Stop calling me kid shithead were the same age. What whole thing are you talking about.

Life, silly billy. We are in this for the long haul. We can never be apart again. Now that's just a theory I don't know how outside stimuli factor in.

So we just have to see for ourselves.

Eureka he has it, tell him what he has won Jimmy.

You sound like a cross between Steven Hawking and Cheri Oteri from SNL.

Again, It's all very deliberate. But I won't complain. You're getting the big picture, or at least you're starting to.

So what do we do now?

Well that is a good question, to be honest I didn't get too far with that plan. Figured I would wing it.

Wing it? This is my...our life. Can't wing it we need plans, we need organization, we need, we need.

We need to live life. Not make plans, because that's when life does things or happens, Or something I forgot the full quote. But you get the idea.

Yeah I get it. Fine.

Fine what? Say it out loud.

Fine fucking take over, but if you fuck my shit up in any way your going back and you can scream, yell, bitch and moan. Won't do any good.

Alright deal. But I'm warning you now so this doesn't come up later. Life is messy, shit happens and it's not all unicorns and rainbows and sexy pop stars in scantily clad clothing. Do YOU understand?

Yeah yeah alright. So what now?

Just relax imagine you just sitting on a lazy-boy watching TV, only the show is your life, it talks back to you, and totally has real world consequences that can possibly very damaging. But it's easy just chill.

That sounds fucking awful man.

Yes it would if I was something malicious, but I'm not. Remember split but one blah blah blah. Were in this together. I can't survive without you.

But I can survive without you?

technically speaking yes, but would ya want to? I'm fun, smart, FUNNY.

How would you know? You have an audience of one.

Fuck you guy.

Can you feel me smiling? Can you? I can. Aw you can dish it, but can't take it. Just kidding I'm sorry.

It's fine. Let's get started.

It's a work night dude.

I meant tomorrow whats on the agenda?

Well there are a few shows on-demand I need to catch up on. so that's really what I was gonna do all weekend, just hang out.

Your kidding me right? I'm so tired of that. You're single, you live alone, barely lived a day in your life, you have never. I'm gonna shut up now I have painted a good enough picture for ya.

Fuck I really haven't lived.

I know it's ok we're gonna fix it. It'll be great, tons of fun. Trust me.

There is this one thing tomorrow I remembered.

O I remembered too!

That's the idea isn't it?

Don't get smart with me.

Why would that make your brain hurt?

It's the same brain, so wouldn't that make your brain hurt?

Well...shit.

Anyway, that party we're going.

Just like that.

Just like that, it's easy you just get dressed, smell good, drive there and let me do the rest and I promise if by the end of the night you don't like what I can do for us. I will shut up...like 75% of the time. 

Deal.

Awesome, now cue montage of us getting a haircut, and getting cloths and stuff, and why not. Lets have a friend go with, so we can come out in different outfits set to poppy music. The friend will do that thumbs down thing and get really excited when we find the right one.

Yeah no, I know you've always wanted to do that. Who hasn't? But they just don't really do that.

Shit, alright. Lets just get a shirt that smells good from the shirt pile. No fun.

It can be fun. We can play smelly shirt detective and find the one that smells like cat piss. That thing is ruining the other ones.

That's disgusting, yeah I've wondered why is that? We don't have any cats so....

Your guess is as good mine.

That is certainly something we need to look into, like really. That's weird. Not quirky cool weird, like fucking lame weird.

When you're right you're right. It's late.

Yeah I get it we're tired. Well I'm not, I'll be up long after you shut your eyes.

Doing what? 

What I always do, I run around your dreams. I play them out like training scenarios. Well not all of them. We have some pretty messed up dreams, some I don't even wanna take part in.

Do you feel pain?

I feel emotional stuff, not physical. Even when I take over. You feel it still, i just feel connections and chemicals. The luxuries of being psychological. But that doesn't mean I'm going to be careless and let you get hurt. You get final say, just whats you say yes I move forward non stop. Remember that, I imagine it can bite you in the ass should you forget.

Alright, couldn't hurt to remind me.  I mean you. You know we, us. I'm done. So what does it help if I like sleep a certain way? Is there a chant of some kind that is passed around among split personalities? 

Do you hear yourself?

As loud as you do.

For fuck sake just go to bed like you normally do, I mean your normal routine to a tea.

Ewe I dunno if I can crank it with another dude watching?  Fuck that could really cut into my time with that.

First I'm not "another dude", second I've been there every time.

Oh yeah, I guess it's just hearing it out loud, in my head. Out loud in my head sounds weird. Just gotta get used to it I guess.

Yeah yeah great bed.

Alright alright I heard ya the first time.

That night was the best sleep Will had ever gotten. It stuck in his head and he would later recant the night to friends and family as...Night of The Best Sleep Ever. He never claimed to be good at making up titles...for the record.

Whoah who the fuck are you?

I'm the narrator

O I see because a job title really fucking defines who you are. When did you get this gig?

Just then back there, the sleep thing. First sentence. I was super nervous but I think I got it. O no it's happening, I'm about to say something else plot related. This one feels big I don't think I can hold it.

Fuck just hang on. I have to wake the guy up talk to him a bit. I have my shit to do too ya know.

Yes yes fine. Do what you have to do. Just for the love of whatever hurry. It is painful in Its own way. Also remember Will, the full on body guy Will. He can't know about me, and really WE shouldn't even talk. They had a whole thing about it at the training seminar. Go I'm sure we will speak at least a couple more times. Usually that's how this works in these stories, especially when the writer is really trying hard to move the story forward or take up space. 

Hey you're the expert box guy, see ya round.

YAWN. 

You know you don't have to say yawn when you yawn. 

Why not it's more fun, when I burp I say OOPS. 

Ugh I know you do, so does everyone else sadly.

I want some coffee.

Finally a good idea.

I have a few, you should know.

Yeah you're not a total wash SPORT.

Ok why did you do that?

Do what?

SPORT all emphasized and shit.

Nevermind that now c'mon we have work to do. I have to tell you stuff that's like super important.

What what I'm here whats your beef box man.

Look this is not my department I'm one of two key characters ok. I can't die at least until the last act. No guarantee's but I could also make it to the end, characters like me do that sometimes. Sounds like your not essential to this story anymore, so the giant hands that are making loud clicky noises uh because the guy is heavy-handed when he types. It sounds like someone working the computer at the airport. I'm really sorry I wish I could help. So sad when, and he's gone. That was fast. Well back to what I was doing...this is awkward. I know how I can fix this. I HAVE THE POWER!!! Get it? If not Google it or whatever.

CHAPTER 2

What do i do now?

Calm down.

That's it?

Yeah man I can do this tag me in.

Are you sure?

Yes I'm cool man I barely had anything to drink. You however drank enough to put down a small horse. I'm good let me do this have a seat.

Yeah yeah alright.

One, two, and were standing up, were standing. That's one small step for me and another smaller step because well just because. See I told I could do this.

Something doesn't seem right, open our eyes.

Dude that floor came out of no where i swear.

That's it I'm taking over again. You are benched good sir.

You're mean.

It's been years yet I still love hearing you bitch, makes me giggle.

Please shut up, please really. I just need a few minutes to gather myself, there go chat up that girl in the jeans. The one on the other side of where we are. Just to make sure she didn't see you fall off the couch.

You fall I mean fell off the couch, I was just watching.

I think we should just go home, it appears as though we are way too fucked up

I won't contest that, neither of us are driving we have to be responsible. Call Uber I hear their rates are very affordable, and their drivers are always courteous. Did I mention how clean those vehicles are? Makes Lyft look like a bunch of gross uh nasty people. Uber...............is the way to go.

Listen here now that sounded like a very poorly placed plug for Uber?

What!?? No I was informing you about Uber that's all.

Well this has to be a first, the guy inside the head might be more sane than the establishing psyche.

Duh, you should know this to be true. Get on with it then.

Wake up. Will wake the fuck up man I'm hungry. William...WILL!

Ah what.

SHHHH!! Get up quietly, you don't want to rouse the sleeping, uh yeah let's go ahead say beauty, she was sweet.

What, what. 

Use your words..you can do it.

Wha...whats her name, how the hell did we end up. Holy shit is this a dorm room? Dude.

Relax man she's 21...I think. I know she is at least 18 so you can chill.

What!? No. No I can't chill. I'm sorry do you know how old we are, or did you forget?

Don't ask stupid questions you know the answers to. It insults our intelligence.

I was being rhetorical.

Fuck off with that. Now I will explain everything in detail, graphic detail if you like hehe. Get us out of here I'm tired, like really tired, like really tired. 

Yes I get it thank you. I will get us out of here. Is there anything I should know about before we go. Anything important at all. I really don't want to forget anything because of you.

She takes it in the ear. I can't make that kind of shit up. I mean I could, but I'm not.

Your kidding holy shit. 

Yeah It'll all come to ya as the day goes on. Your fault for drinking so much. Now high tale it partner, and don't wake her up she seems like one of those " Hey you stayed the night we should get breakfast and further drag on something meaningless. Did I mention I have a yorkie at my moms house on the beach and blah blah blah" No sir. Not having it.

I swear you can be so insensitive.

Lighten up, she'll be fine. It's college. Woo girl stuff. Remember? Now go on get. Also there is some scotch in the freezer. It's not ours but it's useful so go ahead and grab that too.

Sweet, I can do that for sure. Glad she doesn't have a roomie. This would suck super hard if she did. Gross what kind of scotch of this? El casa de Highland ? The name sounds positively latino. I feel like that is not a good sign for scotch.

Just get it and go asshole.

Fine we're leaving. So should I like leave a note or something?

No, just keep walking and please check the door for a name. Driving me crazy that I can't remember it.

Okay okay, better now. We're out...in a long hallway with girls who like to stare. I'm freezing up do something please. O her name is Becky.

I thought Kathy. Way off.