Alan

I'm Alan the Acanthostega
My quality of life's quite meagre
Lurking on the Atlantic shelf
I feel I can't express myself
There's little point in being ambitious
When all you meet are ancient fishes

On reaching land - if I could make it -
I'd run around completely naked
Then settle down and find a wife
And venture out to get a life
Once I'd evolved a little more
I'd open an account offshore

I'm Alan the Acanthostega
I'm feeling pressured and beleaguered
Skulking underneath the oceans
I can't tune in to my emotions
I try to share with my pal Bob
Sadly, he's just a primitive blob

I did once date an alligator
She was a poor communicator
I said, you'll soon get over me
There are plenty others in the sea
She smiled; meanwhile her tail went splat
And ever since my head's been flat

I'm Alan the Acanthostega
Plumbing depths of around one league, ugh
Can't stand this dirt and filth and grime
The mud, the muck, primeval slime
I'd really love to power shower
And spray myself with passionflower

Then out to dine, a top class venue
But please no seafood on the menu
I've always had first rate relations
With lobsters, crabs and other crustaceans
Though I wouldn't mind a glass of wine
To take away the taste of brine

I'm Alan the Acanthostega
I've never been to Leeds or Riga
The Seven Wonders of the World
Are to me like a flag that's furled
These torpid hours concealed in murk
Would drive any vertebrate berserk

I sometimes visit that rock there
I go by sea and not by air
It isn't much of a vacation
So little chance for recreation
As skiing doesn't yet exist
I'm feeling terribly off piste

I'm Alan the Acanthostega
Not second rate; I'm a premier leaguer
I lead my cohorts from the fore
So I'm the first to crawl ashore
As I later mentioned to my daughter
The first ever fish that's out of water

And I find the fresh air very taxing
So I build a deck chair to relax in
But someone's made it here before us
And I don't mean a dinosaurus
When I return to my deck chair
A German towel is already there