Madness

Dum de dum&;#8230;what? Oh, sorry, I was lost in thought and it
was unfamiliar territory. Maybe I'm just too tired to be writing this.
On the other hand, I have different fingers. What? Did I do it again?
Sorry - I've got to wake up a bit. I think I'll have some coffee. Ah,
that's better.
Did you know that 50\% of all coffee drinkers become addicted? That's
not true, by the way. Apparently, 42.7\% of all statistics are made up
on the spot. Like this one: 99\% of lawyers give the rest a bad
name.
Hmm, lawyers. Justice. You have the right to remain silent. Anything
you do say will be misquoted, then used against you. Justice. Save the
Whales, the sign said on the way home today. Save the Whales - Collect
the Whole Set.
It was at a petrol station, along with one that said 'Honk if you Like
Peace and Quiet'. Petrol's a bit pricey nowadays, like the cost of
living. Although, despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
popular it remains?
I was told that 'He Who Laughs Last, Thinks Slowest', the other day.
But all sayings can't be true, can they? If they were, that'd mean that
things like:
'The early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese', would be true. Also, 'Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines' would also be no word of a lie.
I've come to a conclusion, and that conclusion is that a conclusion is
the place where you get tired of thinking.
Have you ever realised something that you never saw before? Like the
way that the severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it? And the way that a clear conscience is usually a
sign of a bad memory?
Anyway, Mondays, eh? Aren't they an awful way to spend a 1/7th of your
life? I've been thinking recently about my health. I used to say, "I
drive way too fast to think about cholesterol," but now I'm not so
sure. I mean, I suppose change is inevitable, except from vending
machines. But I won't get too down about it - after all, depression is
merely anger without the enthusiasm. I intend to live forever - so far,
so good.
I work as a Quantum mechanic - it's the dreams stuff is made of. But I
haven't been paid for it yet. Do you notice how bills travel through
the mail at twice the speed of cheques? But if you start thinking
no-one cares about you, try missing a couple of
payments&;#8230;
If I have three life lessons to give you, this is they:
1) Always try to be modest - and be proud of your achievements!
2) Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
3) Borrow money from a pessimist - they won't expect to be paid
back.
I got a new car yesterday. The dealer was a bit over the top. He
suggested I get a new car for my spouse.
" It'll be a great trade!" he enthused. He seemed to be one of those
people for whom the only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
People are so rude these days. No-one listens to you until you make a
mistake; people never swear until they learn to drive; they think two
wrongs are only the beginning. I think the problem with the gene pool
is that there's no life-guard.
Anyway, if at first you don't succeed, then:

a) Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
b) Skydiving isn't for you.

I Thank you.