Clown Shoes for Clay Feet

INT. TV NETWORK HQ OFFICES-AFTERNOON
We see full-screen TV promo for new gotcha 'reality' program concept,
'Clown Shoes for Clay Feet.'
A GRAINY HIGH-CAMP DIG SITE IN SEPIA TONE, JANE CHALMERS, TV HOSTESS
WEARING PITH HELMET, ETC. KNEELING AT A DEEP FIND
V.O. NARRATOR
After so many fitful starts, and startling fits, Chalmers trembled
noticeably at the extremities she knew as her hands: could it be the
Grail-like storied prize of legend, coveted for ages by costume
archaeologists and foot-fetishists alike, now, lovingly cradled in
those self-same quaking members? Was it that mythical artifact of
universal amusement, the incipient adornment of ancient jest, the
original pedus hilariosus....only whispered of since the time of
Oppolodorus of Sparta, the inventor of the sandal....and THE CLOWN
SHOE!
Audible gasp of glee as she uncovers it, showing it to the
camera.
Tune in every Wednesday night at 9 and find out just who will be found
wearing them------so, don't clown around, check your local listings to
be there!
CAMERA PULLS BACK ONTO CONTROL ROOM OF NETWORK
JANE'S ASSISTANT

Killer, really.
JANE CHALMERS
Yeah, but just who dies......we'll see....
(forced smile)
We all set with our footwear people?
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Looks good; Genitore called personally about dinner this weekend.
JANE CHALMERS
(rolling eyes)
Why can't Sean Connery call me; he'd have understood....'The things I
do for England.'
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Speaking of which, BBC's looking at cloning us already---on buzz
alone.
JANE CHALMERS

Good, hey Variety's already made me a 'Clown Princess'--- figures the
Brits'll call us the new Monty Python.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
That works, 'Flying Circus', clown sh.....gee, wonder if they give
knighthoods to women?
JANE CHALMERS
Shoes, circus, yes.....let's just make sure I don't end up wearing
them, hmm? And, as for that royal garter, I flunked curtsying at charm
school.
(gets up to leave)
Gotta go pray to the footwear deity, anything else?
They walk together to the hallway.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Don't forget your clay treatment pedicure in half an hour.
JANE CHALMERS
Yes, but first my Achilles Heel of a sponsor needs attention.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Always thought that was a terrific brand name for a line of fashion
women's shoes.
JANE CHALMERS
Just don't give our little man/child any ideas; I'm certain his
ancestors were behind Chinese foot-binding as a fashion
statement.
She and Jane part at the elevator laughing.
CUT TO:
EXT. BRIGHTLY OVERLIT OFFWORLD ENVIRONS-PERMANENT DAY
We are witnessing a hazy ethereal nondescript Olympus-like setting
where the leitmotif is some kind of eternally lighted netherworld,
outside time/space/matter; we only visually see Mr. Machina; this is no
Hollywood 'Heaven', a la Capra......a sense of wry humor pervades, more
akin to Alfred North Whitehead's 'throbs of experience' Central
dispatch than anything material.
O.S. ONE
(disembodied stentorian voice)
I have need of that pushy liminal one.....
D.X. MACHINA
Yes, oh luminous One....er, did you not mean 'luminous'?

O.S. ONE
(rhetorically)
How can a mistake like this
CAMERA ZOOMS ONTO D.X. MACHINA...
Any mistake.....happen at this Level of Being?!----look it up----
'threshhold in space'.
And....have Him take his dice, along with his aide, what's the
name?
D.X. MACHINA
Archie Tipes, your Oneness, afraid that one's providing ambience a a
Jungian seminar.
O.S. ONE
Very well, inform my 'shyster in residence' that this time it's HIS
name being vainly tossed around.
(laughing controllably)
D.X. MACHINA
'Pride before the fall, eh....'
O.S. ONE
It's never that simple with these little gods in embryo, I'm
afraid...anyway, not involved in such tribal political matters, period:
just in the energizing business----going back to Bliss, no calls.
FADE OUT, LITERALLY.
INT. PLUS HALL-LIKE OFFICE OF PHILLIP INGRATA GENITORE-AFTERNOON
He is meeting with his staff about the flak he's getting about his
sweatshops in Asia.

P.I.GENITORE
(interrupting)
Look....we're getting jack-hammered with this
(squinting at a newspaper)
'blood, sweat and tears', they're calling it, every day this
week-----these same flakes I see on our gratuity junkets are all of a
sudden 'reporters', serious journalists? I need reliable American
self-indulgence and a hit show for misdirection, like now!
ADVERTISING V.P.
Kevorkian was right--- 'meretricious', every one of them.
P.I.GENITORE
Who? Merit-what?
ADVERTISING V.P.
Whores.......you know, Dr. Death...
P.I.GENITORE
Keep it clean, we're talking about my image here!
Jesus......
ADVERTISING V.P.

Sir, we've got you covered
(cues computer slides)
As you can see, we envision cross-branding deals like this one with
Hermes of Paris.
SHOT OF PRO-GENITORE WINGED SHOE IN PARIS WINDOW DISPLAY.
Now.....
P.I.GENITORE
Has legal looked at this, I do not require new grief....
ADVERTISING V.P.
Done; matter of fact, they tell me we can dodge this Asian thing, maybe
even get a 'Hand Made in Italy' tag thrown in thanks to a loophole in
the GATT treaty, as long as the tongue of the shoes is added by Italian
EU workers.
P.I.GENITORE
That's more like it, with what I pay for legal knitting....
(smirking)
what about the sole instead, you know, 'the all-terrain footwear with
the Italian sole'. We'll keep the tongue thing for the ladies
model.
(self-amused)
His phone intercom buzzes; it is Jane Chalmers, he picks up, motioning
the staff out.
P.I.GENITORE (cont'd)
Jane, the show buzz is deafening, sounds like a home run, according to
Variety....let's,uh, discuss it this weekend.
CUT TO:
EXT. HERMES BOUTIQUE PARIS-DAY
Two 'Waiting for Godot' type hoboes are loitering in their usual spot
outside the haute couture venue like they used to own it; they wear
once fashionable attire, ,now obviously down on their luck frayed but
dignified; decked out after ancient Tarot 'O.IDIOT' symbology.

FIRST HOBO
You know the boulangerie on Rue Danton?
SECOND HOBO
Looking wearily up from his days old paper, the smaller, dimmer
one.
Yes, what of it?
FIRST HOBO
Just this: no more day old croissants for you!
SECOND HOBO
Mierde! What did you do this time, make some remark about her
tits?!
FIRST HOBO
Id-iot! Sold out to Cafe Americain!
Wiping angry tears with soiled Hermes scarf.
SHOT: HERMES LOGO CLEARLY IN VIEW AS HE DOES SO.
SECOND HOBO
Oh, woe, so.....Kennedy was right, then, the Pax Americana, imposed
wily/nily upon the once varietal world.....why do we wait for another
catastrophe......
His hand sweeps toward display window of shop.
'Fashion sneakers', is that next, in this very window?
FIRST HOBO
(amazed at insight)
You've been reading again, sorry I taught you; and....and, what do you
get......but de-pressed, no?

SECOND HOBO
What about.....our Bread, we cannot live by hope alone.
(breathless)
FIRST HOBO
Take a deep breath, will you, good for the soul....I think....I hear
the cafe around the corner is adding free croissant samples so as to
compete, you see.
SECOND HOBO
Perhaps it is French owned.....
(slowly smiling)
Maybe we wait a bit longer.
FIRST HOBO
There, you see....she say that I remind her of a good/bad.....
(pensive)
Or was it bad/good....card, in her Tarot deck!
SECOND HOBO
Oh, glorious news, a guardian witch, and you are her Joker! Are you
sure you're the smart one?
FIRST HOBO
(another insight, panic)
Pshaw! I am a modern man, perhaps even post-modern....
(seeks to impress)
Mathematics, you see, the more bad, the sooner one gets to the
good.

SECOND HOBO
Perhaps, we wait a bit longer, then.
(sighs)
CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM OF P.G.; FEMALE COMPANION SLEEPS-NIGHT
P.G. thinks he is asleep, but is not sure, perhaps it is a 'waking
dream'....before him is a holographic image, moving freely, addressing
him...

P.I.GENITORE
Who the.....what the Hell?!
HERME MERCURE
Why, I am your new partner.
The hologram is very clear, though transparent.
P.I.GENITORE
(looking @ sleeping woman)
This is a dream.....
HERME MERCURE
Hardly....oh, Her, took a sleeping pill, on top of some sort of
stimulant, naughty girl.
(smiles)
P.I.GENITORE
How did you.....
HERME MERCURE
Misseur, I did not get to be who I am being unobservant----shall we to
business?
They have moved to a spacious balcony, overlooking a brilliant
cityscape; P.G. is still flummoxed by the evasion of H.M., putting
'him' down to a hangover remnant, and the lure of business, as
usual...
P.I.GENITORE
Just what is it you can do for me?
HERME MERCURE
Why, my dear fellow, I'll have you know some of my peers in the Fortune
500----some would say B.C., of course, as I am quite your senior
(smirking)
call me the patron saint of Commerce itself!
(he knowingly laughs mutedly)
P.I.GENITORE
You're French; what have you done that I should be of any interest to
me and my firm?
HERME MERCURE
Pointing to P.G.'s closet and his own tie.
Is it not true that clothes make the man, just as....you make the firm,
oui?

P.I.GENITORE
Excellent, we have the same taste.
HERME MERCURE
My dear fellow, we perhaps may complement each other's desires.
P.I.GENITORE
Co-branding.....but, how did you......of course, you initiated the
upscale deal, right?!
HERME MERCURE
In a manner of speaking, yes.
(smiling Sphinx like)
The newspapers, you know, how can they understand us, forces majeur,
eh......let us say that certain, how you say 'backers',forces in their
own right... felt it to be a...strategic move, mmm? And, this
'branding'----something one does to mere cattle, yes: had it up to here
with such beasts in my youth, you see.....
(inside joker's smirk)
I prefer cross pollination; shall we say 10 am, next Monday, your
office?
P.I.GENITORE
(startled)
Well, I've got a .....sure, yes, Hades
(pauses, puzzled)
Hell, yes.
HERME MERCURE
Bon----I see you know your myths; by the way, you remind me---old age,
eh---I'll be there in the flesh----this hi-tech way of travelling,
while amusing, can be troublesome when it comes to signing documents,
yes?
P.I.GENITORE
You know what, come up to my weekend place on Sunday, more pleasant,
less hectic, I insist.
(egotistically)
Hey, how can I get ahold of, you know, this high tech device of
yours?
HERME MERCURE
(index finger to mouth)
Not so easy........sometimes I feel it has taken me ages to build my,
how do you say, network, you know, friends in high places. Not to
worry: I know the head man, a Mr. Deus Machina, a master technician.
Until Sunday.......I do so appreciate Nature's idylls, reminiscent of
Arcadia.
P.I.GENITORE
(pauses at strange name)
Oh, yes, Canada, lovely.
HERME MERCURE
(seeks misdirection)
Yes, of course.....Canada, surely, home of your 'Cajuns',their
ancestral home... New Orleans,such interesting cuisine....wine, women
and song, eh.
He has played Genitore like a Stradivarius.
FADE TO VERY BRIGHT LIGHT:
INT. LIVE STUDIO AT NETWORK-EVENING
It is the premiere of 'Clown Shoes for Clay Feet', Jane's reality
program; it is near the end, at the 'awards' segment. The band begins
playing her theme music, Sondheim's 'Bring in the Clowns...'
JANE CHALMERS
It's our 'Moment of Truth', ladies and gentlemen, where you help us
select the not-so-proud wearer of the Clown Shoes and, as you know, we
have included a sample of viewers selected randomly to chime in via
email as well; so, let's see our three finalists, by previous audience
vote, one more time.....
SHOTS: VIDEOS FEEL TO FOOTAGE FOR VERISIMILITUDE EFFECT.
The first video vignette is of Mr. Swanson Squirdling, at a graduation
ceremony.
V.O. NARRATOR
'Now, having finally completed his unlikely matriculation, the feckless
Mr. Squirdling humbly holds in his pudgy hand the degree he has,
against all odds, secured after much hard work and travail; his usually
puffed-out breast can scarcely contain his pride at having graduated
with the top honors known as magna cum largo---we kid you
not-----bestowed by the school, he's shown here in footage submitted by
his own family in graduate attire at the Wichita Women's Technical
School as its first male graduate...... in bra design and
construction!'
(applause)
JANE CHALMERS
Poor Swanson, looks like there's a mammogram or two in his future; next
one, please.
Shown is a certain Spike Buxxum judging a beauty contest.
V.O. NARRATOR
'Insalubrious as was the moment to his reputation, Mr. Buxxum----his
real name folks, we checked----was so enthralled by the failure of the
chesty young woman's gown to contain her mammary endowment, he deftly
undertook to fondle both entrants in HIS brain's 'best breast' contest,
inattentive to the embarrassingly material proposition that he had been
summoned as a last minute substitute judge in the regional transgender
'Miz-ter America' contest!'
(applause)
JANE CHALMERS
As you all know, all candidates have agreed to these viewings, so all
you lawyers putting on your winged shoes, made by Genitore, of course,
with the heat-seeking plaintiff detector attachment, also available
from another sponsor, can just, oh, think about..... baseball!
(knowing laughter at sexual innuendo)
Hey, the magic of TV, your 15 seconds of shame, sponsors and present
company of course excluded; final vignette---- just look it
up-----please!

V.O. NARRATOR
The distinguished University academic committee charged with putting on
this year's Symposium had been meticulous in its efforts to maintain
all the trappings of the ancient Greek discussion format, down to the
very last detail.
"Well, I'll tell you this, a bunch of grown men, professors at that,
parading around half-dressed, drunk as skunks-----not to mention the
morals charges we intend to bring on the complaint of several young
boys------we had no choice" asserted police chief Durward Quirkman to
the assembled TV cameras.
At the preliminary hearing held later that month, the defense counsel
stoutly held forth that his clients had done nothing more than Plato
himself might have done in the name of the original Academy.
"Well, Mr. Schmoozewad", replied the judge, "I will tell you this, once
we catch up with this Mr.Plato he'll be facing the same charges as your
clients!"
(applause)
JANE CHALMERS
Folks, not touching that one, literally, too touchy, feely; anyway,
it's definitely Greek to us! Back with the winner in a jiffy!
FADE TO BLACK.

EXT. ASIAN SWEAT SHOP BRIGHT STEAMY DAY
SHOT: OF AERIAL ZOOM/ OBVIOUSLY HAPHAZARDLY CLEARED NEAR-JUNGLE SITE,
WITH METROPOLIS TOWERS---E.G., BANGKOK---JUST VISIBLE OVER
TREETOPS......FOCUS UPON CORPORATE NAME/LOGO ON AND IN BUILDING:
'WINGED FOOT ENTERPRISES OF THAILAND, LTD.', SHOWING LOGO AS BLURRED
MOTION PICTURE OF MERCURY....
A photographer has left his crew truck on a wooded hilltop, having been
wired up with concealed cameras and outfitted with phony middleman
credentials; he is seen entering the factory, with no problems.
CUT TO:
VARIETY HEADLINE: 'CLOWN PRINCESS &; HER AMERICAN CIRCUS FLYING
HIGH, GIVES NOT SO JOLLY BOOT TO COMPETITION'
Jane is the new Johnny, America's sweetheart; new advertisers have
deluged her office, most persistent has been the Hermes representative,
a charming Frenchman, who seems to effortlessly glide across the floor
rather than walk. They meet for lunch.
HERME MERCURE
Enchante, my dear, so good of you to come.
JANE CHALMERS
It seems you have charmed my assistant; anything to do with her
Achilles Heels idea?
HERME MERCURE
(falsely modest)
Shall we simply call it a 'trade secret', yes?
JANE CHALMERS
I prefer 'magic'......as in trick.
(smiles demurely)
In any event, it seems to have worked, here I am.
HERME MERCURE
Yes, yes......here we are; I see why it is that the world is now in
love with you, such aplomb, such wit.
'He' is on his turf, having arranged the luncheon down to the most
impressive detail, even knowing here favorite cocktail, color,
etc.
JANE CHALMERS
I didn't order this......
HERME MERCURE
I did; is it to your liking?
JANE CHALMERS
(taken back)
Well, yes, but....
HERME MERCURE
Please, indulge an old fool who fancies himself a gentleman. Permit me
to fulfill my....task, on behalf of my....superiors, so to say;
we....they....are prepared to offer you carte blanche in exchange for
primary sponsorship of your wonderful program. They appreciate its
leitmotif, you see, more than you can know.
JANE CHALMERS
I appreciate the kind words, but exactly whom do you represent?
HERME MERCURE
There, you see, they have particular affinity for such a nicety as
'whom', especially in view of the difficulty of English.........
(cut off)
JANE CHALMERS
Then you won't mind my repeating it: just for 'whom' ....do you work,
Misseur Mercure, did I pronounce it correctly?
HERME MERCURE
But, of course, like the ancient god of Commerce, Mercury.
JANE CHALMERS
See him all the time at Grand Central.......wings on his feet,
striking, although a little light in the wardrobe.
HERME MERCURE
Most amusing, I'm sure, which brings us to my employers, whose
speciality is in out-fitting the human form with all necessary......
accoutrement.
JANE CHALMERS
You're in clothing then.
HERME MERCURE
As I said, all which may be truly needed by man.
JANE CHALMERS
Or woman.
HERME MERCURE
Certainmonte.
JANE CHALMERS
And all I have to do is wear these......accoutrement, oui?
HERME MERCURE
Do I surprise you by responding that that is entirely up to you; this
is not of concern to.....these mark-ed forces.
JANE CHALMERS
Please, I'm all ears; tell me more.
HERME MERCURE
As you wish..........
FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
INT. SMALL SQUALID CAFE PARIS-MORNING
Our two hoboes are breakfasting on stale croissant.
FIRST HOBO
Not bad, yes?
SECOND HOBO
Compared to what........the butter is spoiled, and the cafe....
(cut off)
FIRST HOBO
Ingrate! Stupide! This is a gift from above, do you not see it? You
have feathers in your tousled hair, encyribe!
SECOND HOBO
'Him' again....I am tired of waiting....and what do you expect, the
pigeons shed them like the serpent his skin.
(he picks them from head)
They go outside to the damp cobblestone street.
CUT TO:

EXT. COBBLESTONE STREET OUTSIDE CAFE-MORNING
FIRST HOBO
Things are about to change, I can sense it.
SECOND HOBO
I'm too weary to rely on my senses; you wish to be sensible, our
clothes are more ragged by the day, and my shoes.......
FIRST HOBO
'Clothes make the man', is that it! Easy for Maupassant, he had
money......
SECOND HOBO
We should wait for him, then......
FIRST HOBO
Idi-ot! Guy is long gone.....I tell you there's something in the
air.....
SECOND HOBO
Yes, your body odor........or maybe the rotting corpse of this writer;
let's get his clothes!
FIRST HOBO
(eyes rolling)
Why do I bother.......
(looking skyward, palms up)
A pair of new shoes and some clothes fall from the sky.
UNSEEN BY THE TWO GENIUSES AN ANGRY SPOUSE FIGHTS WITH HER HUSBAND,
THROWING HIS CLOTHES OUT A 3RD FLOOR WINDOW.
SECOND HOBO
(falls to his knees)
It's Him!, He heard us........
FIRST HOBO
Ha! Who, your dead writer, NO! My faith has been rewarded, you
see.....
(cut off)
SECOND HOBO
(kissing foot of first hobo)
Forgive me.....
FIRST HOBO
Body odor!
SECOND HOBO
I am a guilty dog, barking first.
FIRST HOBO
A dog is loyal........
SECOND HOBO
Look, there's enough for us both.
FIRST HOBO
You see, good thing I am strong for us both.
SECOND HOBO
Your were right......we will wait as long as it takes.
FIRST HOBO
That's much better.
(hits him on head with shoe)
CUT TO TWO WEEKS LATER:
INT. PLUSH HALL LIKE OFFICE OF P.I. GENITORE-DAY
His personal assistant is on the phone with him in his limo; he is
furious.
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
I'm sure its's all a huge misunderstanding.......
P.I.GENITORE
Misunderstanding....to the tune of $2Billion US; we had a deal with
these guys, they approached us!
NEWSPAPER HEADLINE: 'HERMES OF PARIS BRINGS WTO COMPLAINT VS.
GENITORE'S WINGED FOOT WARE GROUP; BRAND INFRINGEMENT, ETC.
ALLEGED'
P.I.GENITORE (cont'd)
Any luck with Jane-----I can't get through on her private line?
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
No go; say she's been told by the network lawyers......
(cut off)
P.I.GENITORE
Reminds me.....what the Hell do our counsel say, can't reach
them.
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
Well, it seems your crack team upstairs can't, well, seem to locate
those dox you say you inked with Mr........
P.I.GENITORE
I SAY.....whose side are you on?
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
What do you want me to tell the press, they're all over me?
P.I.GENITORE
I'll handle that personally.....headed to the photo lab right
now---I've got this clown on hidden video, from my apartment that
night, and then Sunday, at my place in the country. They're gonna be
consuming some heavy crow on the newly cut-rate executive dining room
menu at some formerly reputable papers when I'm through, as in
defamation.
PIG'S PERSONAL ASSISTANT
I'm sure that the truth will out; besides, don't see that as a
possibility.
She hangs up, knowing somehow that he didn't get that last put
down.
.
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
INT. PHOTO PROCESSING LAB-DAY
TECHNICIAN, LONG HAIRED WITH GREENPEACE/EARTH DAY PARAPHERNALIA IN
BACKGROUND IS PLAYING/COPYING VIDEO SHOWING 'P.I.G.' IN BED WITH
MISTRESS, AND NO MERCURE; COURIERS IT OVER TO NETWORK OFFICES OF JANE
C.
CUT TO:
INT. NETWORK STUDIOS-EVENING
Jane is introducing a new gotcha installment; she is at the height of
her power, making her a convenient target of the usual suspects.
JANE CHALMERS
Ladies &; gentlemen, tonight we're going to shift gears
somewhat----you know we like to keep you guessing and, well, I think
we've proven lately conclusively fact does trump fiction just about
every time! Tonight, our theme is fickle Fate, in the corporate
boardroom, or should I say, bedroom: is that redundant?
(knowing laughter)

----let's join our bedfellows, in that lofty space where you'll find
more than invisible mythic forces at......work? ....and, men, this one
fits the bill in the 'strange' category----let's watch!, courtesy of
our guest's own mini-cam, I think his companies actually make them,
somewhere in Asia.....
P.I.G. IS SEEN CAVORTING WITH HIS MISTRESS; SHE'S INHALING A WHITE
POWDER, HE'S SHOWING HIS DERRIERE, MOVING TO TECHNO MUSIC.
JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
Now, instead of our usual competition, where you are the judges, we
showed this yesterday to a randomly chosen focus panel and
they---you---this one gets the Clown Shoes, pants down!
Canned applause, laughter.
JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
And remember, all you clowns waiting out there, don't bother to
hide-----like the song says, you're already here! Next week, it's back
to our cut-throat competition, between our more serious clowns like
tonight's!
CUT TO THREE WEEKS LATER:
MONTAGE OF EXPOSE FOOTAGE OF GENITORE'S SWEAT SHOP PRACTICES;
HEADLINES: 'GENITORE FOUND DEAD--FOUL PLAY NOT EXCLUDED'.
EXT. BRIGHTLY OVERLIT DEMIMONDE-PERMANENT DAY

The ante is up---Earth's voyeuristic realm 'beyond' in time/space is
obsessively armed with cameras, seen and unseen; feeding a spiraling
frenzy to clone---and dethrone--- Jane's seeming success; every network
has ripped off and attacked CS4CF as vicious, even phoney, enlisting
the Church into the 'bargain'; Misseur Mercure has been
summoned......
O.S. ONE
So, just what words on the high-energy messages floating around here
saying "No lawyer's tricks allowed, period!" didn't you get?
HERME MERCURE
(sarcastically)
You forget your sobriquet for me,..... 'shyster in residence'?
O.S. ONE
Sarcasm won't cut it----my chief attribute is infinite patience, along
with the privilege of apparent contradictions.
HERME MERCURE
Right....good, made my rep with misdirection, the old impetinata, like
in fencing, a little artful feint, for the electronic public.
(mimes the moves)
O.S. ONE
TV , artful, never happen? Besides, art's another force for
another..... Skywalker.
(self-amused)
HERME MERCURE
Well, no of course not... hey, don't shoot the messenger,
right......just file broadcasting under my Commerce hat.
O.S. ONE
So, what do we do about this mess......
MEGA SCREEN OF PRIVACY LAWSUITS, RELATED CHAOS MELANGE.
O.S. ONE (cont'd)
We have to watch this you know....it seems, eternally.
HERME MERCURE
(mimes HAL 9000 voice)
There's really no question about it, this sort of thing has cropped up
before, and it has always been due to mortal error, pretty much owing
to your hybrid experiment....D.X.....I mean, where's the
subtlety-----no, I'm the trickster and, what do we do-----insert the
Deus ex machina ----please, just an excuse for a weak plot structure, I
mean, even the material critics are on to that one, it's an idea whose
time has....left, thankfully.
O.S. ONE
Look, what's done can be undone, strict cause and effect went out with
Einstein----not that they understand it, or him....
HERME MERCURE
The no socks thing did not help....
O.S. ONE
Don't interrupt, I'm energizing; look,
we've crossed a threshhold here, big one, that's your turf-----
'liminal space', right?----what with humans and their toys------should
have gone easy on the inspiration, you know, the quantum
mechanics----next thing you know, the little toolmakers are lousy with
cell phone, faxes, email, minicameras----Bingo, instead of a new golden
age of healthy, learn-ed poets, I get road rage.
HERME MERCURE
Tell me about it----okay, Caesar crosses the Rubicon, no problem, I'm
on it----but, this! Shoulda talked him out of it, before Empire,
Legions, heavy duty footwear, orgies.......strike that last
one...
O.S. ONE
Take a deep breath....I'll grant you, some of it even looks like
fun.
(both snicker)
O.S. ONE (cont'd)
Enough, already; suggestions, and inspire me, okay? What about
something like this trick?
(he invokes instant image)
A FLOATING HUGE HOLOGRAPHIC DEPICTION OF OLD FILM OF KIRK DOUGLAS AS
ULYSSES OUTWITTING CIRCE WITH HERMES' HELP.

HERME MERCURE
These clowns don't even think we exist: 'I don't see it, therefore I
resist'; besides, they've seen the movie; I suppose DNA manipulation's
off the table........
O.S. ONE
Been there, can a worms; no, fashion, trends, styles, gotta be soft
touch, free will, that sorta thing.
HERME MERCURE
(pensive)
Please, don't involve us in that tribal stuff......so Hollywoodized,
we're intelligent subatomic forces, throbs of experience, process, not
mat.....I've got it! No worries, Chief.....synchronicity!
O.S. ONE
What, Jung?
HERME MERCURE
(nodding)
Yes, 'there are no accidents, only things we misunderstand until later,
looking back', they understand that, same thing.
O.S. ONE
These clowns are mostly Freudians, telling you, what with Jung going
public on our UFOs, bad for the truth all around, they're just not
sufficiently evolved.
HERME MERCURE
Then it's time for a quantum leap: all the world loves a clown.
O.S. ONE
Isn't that the problem----clown overpopulation?! Please.
HERME MERCURE
Chief....no offense....
O.S. ONE
None taken.
HERME MERCURE
That's just it! It's only effective---they call it 'funny', when
everyone's got those shoes on----- 'Gotcha' suddenly evolves into a
sizeable 'closet clown'.....coming out party, en masse!
O.S. ONE
Volunteer your clownness, humility----I like it.
Hermes prepares to leave.
O.S. ONE (cont'd)
One more thing......get a good copyright lawyer on this----could be
very profitable.
HERME MERCURE
What about those floating electronic rules?
O.S. ONE
What, a lawyer protecting clowns' right rights: perfectly in tune with
the Natural, the purest instinct----simple self- preservation.
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
EXT. HERMES BOUTIQUE PARIS-DAY
Our two Bohemians are loitering as usual, enjoying their new togs; a
stranger approaches conspicuously.
FREDDY MERCURY
(American accent)
Gentlemen, gentlemen......
They reflexively look around, habitually ignoring themselves as the
possible objects of his interest.
FREDDY MERCURY (cont'd)
No, no, you, yes!
FIRST HOBO

You are addressing us, Sir.......?
FREDDY MERCURY
Mercury, Frederick, Esquire, at your service.
SECOND HOBO
(indignant)
Hey, that's usually our line.
FREDDY MERCURY
Of course.......you must be wondering just what all this badinage is
concerning, am I right?
FIRST HOBO
We haven't yet gotten to what could fairly be termed badinage; more
like persiflage, correct, my friend?
(pokes second hobo in ribs)
SECOND HOBO
Ouch, careful, my injury.
FIRST HOBO
Fool, you were struck on the head!
SECOND HOBO
(rubs head on cue)
FREDDY MERCURY
You are buskers, yes; is this your usual act, very amusing, I must say,
I've heard of you two.
SECOND HOBO
(defensive reflexively)
Well, we haven't really been ourselves....since the war......
FIRST HOBO
What war?
SECOND HOBO
Indo China..........remember, we were disqualified by the Foreign
Legion.
FREDDY MERCURY
Don't they accept everyone?
SECOND HOBO
See what I mean, very depressing really.
Mercury is beside himself at his prescience; they will be
perfect.
FREDDY MERCURY
Fellows......, so sorry, we have yet to be formally introduced.
SECOND HOBO

Yes, how do we know you're not from the Legion.......
FIRST HOBO

What are you talking about!
SECOND HOBO

Can't be too careful, that's all, they might have sent him for
their...boots.
FIRST HOBO
(rolls eyes)
What boots!? We didn't join, idi-ot!
SECOND HOBO
Then where did we get the boots he's seeking?
FIRST HOBO
And just how do we know he even works for them, to recover the
boo
(explodes)
Arghhh! Now you have got me doing it.......
(turns to stranger)
You were saying, kind sir?
(smacks partner)

FREDDY MERCURY
Quite right: my card.
(hands each one)
FIRST HOBO
Intaglio print, rather nice.
SECOND HOBO
Raised lettering too; we had such printing, remember, Jocko, when we
were blind......
(first hobo stomps foot)
FREDDY MERCURY
I have a proposition: how would you like to be on television?
SECOND HOBO
Is it the sort they have in shops.......we don't show up very well,
poor quality you see; remember that gendarme insisting it was us?
FIRST HOBO
That case was thrown out, buffoon!
SECOND HOBO
My point exactly, very poor imagery, I looked haggard, and fat. Ha!
Would that I betrayed even a slight paunch, much less f.....
(smacked)
FIRST HOBO
Misseur, my friend, he is not well.....
(glaring)
FREDDY MERCURY
My friends, where are my manners.....shall we repair to a convenient
boulangerie for some repaste while we discuss.....
SECOND HOBO
Your....proposition.
(smirks at partner)
SECOND HOBO (cont'd)
You see, I am a proper man of affairs.
He rubs his forefinger and thumb together as if unseen by
Mercury.
FIRST HOBO
(under his breath)
May the force be with us.....
CUT TO NEXT DAY:
INT. TV NETWORK HQ OFFICES-AFTERNOON
Jane's assistant has been told no appointments; she is hunkered down,
confused and beseiged. The papers have turnned on her, and the niche
she created.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Um....Jane......the gentleman has been waiting for.....
JANE CHALMERS
Who? I'm afraid I don't know any, not certain I ever met one.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Mr. Mercure......
JANE CHALMERS
Well, do show him in; surprised he's willing to be seen in my
company.
He is shown in, all floating and with a strange aura.
HERME MERCURE
Jane, I heard the news and had to come, much like it, the disappointing
news.
JANE CHALMERS
Looks like you bet on a one trick pony, Herme....and, what do you mean,
this was inevitable?
(he kisses her hand)
HERME MERCURE
Patience, child, seen it all before----I believe you call it a 'witch
hunt'; I wish to convey.....
(cut off)
JANE CHALMERS
Your sympathies?
HERME MERCURE
Certainly not; no, I have a proposition.
JANE CHALMERS
I'm afraid that window's closed, unless you're on a first name basis
with say, some major wizardry, preferably with a magic wand.....
HERME MERCURE
(under his breath)
Funny you should mention this.....

I'm not exactly an alchemist, but I do know that your troubles are
merely temporary; what if I were to tell you that the best strategy at
this moment is that timeless remedy: laughter in the face of the
unknown.
JANE CHALMERS
From what I hear, that's all I hear----at me, this thing we birthed,
and you want me to whistle past my own graveyard.
HERME MERCURE
A very old wise man once told me: 'Your defeat can be your
victory'.
JANE CHALMERS
Aside from their usual aversion to wisdom by definition, why don't the
critics seem to have heard that one.
HERME MERCURE
Critics, ach! Empty heads following something as intangible as the
wind; you must now be the clown you have sought to expose in
others.
JANE CHALMERS
That cliche is 'laugh and the world laughs WITH you', correct?
HERME MERCURE
Just so; I have two associates I wish to have you meet, may I bring
them in?
JANE CHALMERS
What are you up to, Herme?
HERME MERCURE
Make that 'up', as in the direction of your fortunes, and 'two', as in
Messrs. Jocko and Jules.
The two hoboes waltz in, attired in new clothes, and on their feet,
enormous clown shoes, impossible to miss. They bound into their
Alphonse &; Gastone routine.
JOCKO
Enchante, madam; I shall be your champion.
(he bows, rising with a newly stuck clown nose)
JULES
Your most humble servant, my queen!
(he trips over Jocko's shoes)
JANE CHALMERS
To what do I owe your allegiance?
(laughing at their vaudeville ways)
HERME MERCURE
Jane, what if your subjects---millions of them--- couldn't resist
laughing at themselves, the things they share in common?
JANE CHALMERS
(skeptical)
Alright, Mr. Wizard, let's start with politicians, shall we?
HERME MERCURE
Touche! But, you see, you have forgotten to let the 'second clown shoe'
of your premise drop. Allow me to recall your fascinating American
history: a wonderful human being, name of Dan Rice----and close
personal friend of Lincoln----a clown of great renown, created the
Uncle Sam imagery that still stirs any crowd to their common bond----he
inspired the phrase 'get on the bandwagon'! Wherever his circus went,
local pols clamored to ride atop it, hoping his popularity----a simple
clown---would accrue to their benefit.

JANE CHALMERS
Clay feet on parade, eh?........you're not....from around here, I mean
this 'time', are you.
HERME MERCURE
(misdirecting her probe)
What is time, hey, you cannot see it, yet it's all you think about,
strange, no.....and, what makes such a person, seated next to a clown
successful, a true man of the people?
JANE CHALMERS
'Hi, folks, um one of you'.
HERME MERCURE
Exactamonte. And who stands out after humility has taken its
irresistible human toll but the fraudster, donning the egomaniac's
mask.
JOCKO
Pardone, Madam, my associate and I are, how you say, very gay.
JANE CHALMERS
All to the good for a clown.
JULES
What my colleague wishes to convey to you is that he is in love with
me, you see.
JOCKO
It is vice versa, I took pity on him, you must.bel....
HERME MERCURE
Boys, boys......does it really matter; come on, empathy, like true
clowns.
They reluctantly hug each other, very awkwardly, stepping all over each
other's shoes.
HERME MERCURE (cont'd)
Voila!
JULES
We believe that the world is full of clowns, waiting to exit the
clos-et, yes.
JOCKO
And, by historical, how you say, 'sininthe- city', we are the universal
tramp, like Charlie Chaplin.....
JULES
He means synchronicity.....reads alot, but not so good speller, mm?;
the Swiss genius, Jung......one must have the openness of the Fool..the
underdog, yes, nothing to lose.....
JOCKO
And why not, there are so very many of us!
JANE CHALMERS
Thanks to the egomaniacs behind the 'normal'
masks......Brilliant!
JOCKO
(taken back)
Yes.....we could have been officers in the Legion, you know, busy with
other....commitments.....
They are caught up in the euphoria of their new attitude.
JULES
It's lonely at the top, yes!
She sees the light, hugging Herme, then, trying to do so with the boys,
barred by their gigantic shoes. She sees that they are irresistible is
their admitted bathos.
JANE CHALMERS
Just crying on the inside, dying....to come out!
(into intercom)
Suzie, get the writers in here.
CUT TO:
INT. SMALL SQUALID CAFE PARIS-MORNING
The proprietor is reading Le Monde; on the front page are none other
than her two freeloaders, Jocko and Jules, beaming with Jane Chalmers
in the middle; the show is on a world tour, "All the World Loves a
Clown".
WE SEE HER HITTING PAPER, SCREAMING TO THE BACK ROOM CHEF ABOUT WHAT
INGRATE BUMS THEY ARE; HOW MUCH MONEY THEY OWE HER.
CUT TO:
INT. EUROPEAN STUDIOS OF ARGOS TELEVISION -EVENING
Jocko &; Jules, the new darlings of the newly humble media airwaves
have warmed up the audience with their shtick, all pantomime. Jane
comes out wearing clown shoes and a multi-colored nose, and hair. She
is subtitled in several languages.
JANE CHALMERS
Welcome, clowns everywhere! You know, we are so impressed by the
greeting you the world has given us, and I think I now know why; a
great clown once said: 'Man is the only animal on Earth that
blushes---or needs to'; you and I, we're also unique, in a more
positive way, just like the knowing smiling reaction we all had to his
wit, his truth----and it is that same precious yet ignored thing that
is universally desired and, yes, needed, as it is part of what we
are------laughter at the truth about ourselves, our feet of clay, by
which we all enter this world------screaming!
Laughter and applause.
And, instead of the brain's bullying----why shouldn't it act that way,
we worship it, using it to do so!-----what if instead of: 'I'm glad
that happened to somebody else' we used our intuition, our heart and
soul, to say: 'That's happened to me or someone I know'--------because,
and you have felt this, something we call miraculous---but only because
it's sadly too rare---begins to happen: empathy. Without it, we go too
far, we succumb to antipathy. And so, now, we all perhaps understand a
bit better just why it is that all the world loves a clown!
More live applause, whistling.
JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
Okay, now put on your clown faces and empathize------and the world
empathizes with you-------you just can't help but laugh with
them!

JANE CHALMERS (cont'd)
This first video, sent in by, of all people, the Chief Magistrate of
the Hague, tells us, well, that he gets it: too much work and no play
makes Jack the judge a dull boy. Roll it, please Jocko &;
Jules.
They assume mime poses in this and all videos.
V.O. NARRATOR
Jane, this one we call 'A Man of Few Words'.........Now a veritable
shell of a man, Hangbender Schmidt was escorted into the starkly modern
courtroom of The International Tribunal for the Disposition of Cases of
Oblique Crimes Against Humanity, or the catchier 'TITFDCOCAH', his
crime: he had created the goosestep......... "Order!" gaveled the Chief
Magistrate, "We will hear the charges....." : "Hangbender Schmidt, you
are charged with having, by dint of your 'inspiration', at 3:30a.m.,
Greenwich Mean Time, January 20th, 1934, come up with the style of
marching now forever intertwined with the oppressive 'jackboot'.....how
do you plead?"; after a pregnant pause, the remnant of an accused, a
proud dignified-looking gentleman who was known for his unwavering
embrace of principle, struggled to his feet and, in keeping with, and
defense of, his passion for anatomical display......flipped off the
judge with the international symbol of contempt, a big fat bird."
JANE CHALMERS
Who says language seperates people? Hang in there
Hangbender.......brevity is indeed the soul of wit. And, remember, all
you clowns , including the Hangbenders out there, while we don't
necessarily condone your selfish behavior, if bad taste were a crime,
we'd finally be rid of all the lawyers!
Applause, cheering.

We have one more tonight in our quarter finals competition, so be ready
to cast your electronic ballots. Jocko, Jules.....
V.O. NARRATOR
This one comes to us from Star City, Russia, the Russian Cape
Canaveral, what good sports; Torn between the greater good of peace, at
last, between peoples of differing cultural mores and traditions on the
one hand, and his selfish concerns about posing as the chained primate
in Cosmonaut Grigori Kinski's elaborately feigned appearance of
insanity as his ticket home, Astronaut Simpson agreed to play Jimbo the
surly monkey in the upcoming television transmission back to Star City,
from the confines of an admittedly long past prime Mir, hoping
earnestly that when his time came to return his prehensile tail would
fit into his spacesuit.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. U.S. CHAMBER OF COMMERCE BOARD MEETING-NEXT MORNING
The eminence gris of capitalist commerce are specially gathered to
ruminate over the 'clown shoes' phenomenon; there are even foreign
affiliate representatives, newly infected by consumerism; a special
envoy from the Vatican has even been persuaded to attend. People are
somehow less frustrated, and gratification spending/consuming
less....
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Gentlemen, and ladies......
(he smiles at his afterthought)
You all know our purpose; pains have been taken to insulate us from the
press, so feel free to speak candidly.
CIS RUSSIAN REP. RIZHII
Meester Chairman, thank you for the invitation, on behalf of the
Russian Federation; as you know, change has virtually plagued our
society, and now you, the high priests of capitalism give us this, this
'thing', urging our people to embrace humility and see each other as
equally flawed, without many needs. Is this 'business as usual', as
your IMF has promised us?
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Please, our experts don't expect this to be anything but a passing whim
of pseudo-culture; after all, that is the nature of the medium, by
design: what is done may be undone. We simply 'need'----now there's the
term of the hour...
(his smile returns)
To do a better job of ramping up the blending of want with need; then
they unwashed can do what they do best and have done on cue over
time----it's a win/win: we win, they think they don't lose!
MONSIGNOR MORTE
May I, distinguished attendees, be recognized?
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Of course, your eminence.
MONSIGNOR MORTE
Gentlemen.......
Self-conscious, unused to the company of women.
And, um, ladies.......I devoutly wish that this problem were so simple
as it may appear, but take heart, as there may be an added reason to
redouble your efforts.
(he is handed a dossier)
You see, we have much experience with what can only be describ-ed as
'certain forces', not, I regret, purely of this world. His Holiness'
experts in Rome have encouraged me, in the strongest terms possible
for... to inform this august gathering that Satanism may be at the root
of this....popular fantasm. Sadly, this American woman
(he dons his expensive nez perz)
Is someone of questionable....character; moreover, it appears that she
is in company of two, how to be delicate when speaking
of....Evil.....street homosexuals.
There is open hub-bub; homophobia, all the worst instincts have been
given the most ironic license. The Chair gavels a recess, closetting
himself with the Papal envoy, as rehearsed.
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
Your eminence.....
MONSIGNOR MORTE
Please, Francisco.....
(he strangely surveys Pagliacci's body)
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
I feel that we have the....necessary forces, this time, of good,
aligned to do what.. 'needs' to be done.
MONSIGNOR MORTE
Please to understand, there is, shall we say, an enlightened regime at
large in today's St. Peter's; yet, as you know, since the Sindona
matter and its consequent financial losses some years ago,
(cut off)
CHAIRMAN PAGLIACCI
The lawyer at the center of the Vatican bank scandal?
MONSIGNOR MORTE

The same.......we, that is, Rome feels strongly that this sad Chalmers
business is, what is the phrase, bad for business, mmm?
(the smile of lucre)
I must confess that, as a man of some....worldly....affairs, even I was
alarm-ed on finding that this Ms. Chalmers-----did you know that she is
a Jewess?----is a divorcee, having been somewhat intimate with the late
Mr. Genitore, a longtime practicing Catholic and great friend of the
Church, and, well, during her university days dabbled in Wicca? Indeed,
there is some evidence of deep interest in scurrilous Coptic texts
concerning.....Lucifer; seems she became enthralled with the notion
there that he was an angel of the Lord, his Latin name connoting
'bringer of light'----of course, these texts have been excluded from
our Holy Scriptures, such heresy!
An aide of the Chairman summons them to luncheon, tabled with the most
influential TV executives, including overseas representatives invited
by this clique in the Vatican.
FADE TO BLACK:

EXT. JANE'S PARIS HOTEL CURBSIDE-NIGHT
The (corporate lapdog) media is unleashed, like a pack of dogs...of
'war'. The headlines of the evening papers read...
'REALITY TV......BUT WHOSE REALITY?'
PAPPERAZZI
Meese Shalmer, do you have comment?
(microphone pressed forward)
JANE CHALMERS
Si vous ples.......se encryibe!
BODYGUARD
Make way!
(shoving)
JANE CHALMERS
(to her Asst.)
What the Hell.......gotta be from the industry hacks.....first I'm
ruthless, now it's their turn!
Jane makes her way into the Ritz, through the same entrance used by
Princess Diana that fateful night.
BODYGUARD
We're clear, Ms. C.
CUT TO MINUTES LATER:
INT. HOTEL SUITE-NIGHT
Jane is suffering a bout of paranoia flashback, especially now that
she's in Diana &; Dodi's love nest.
JANE CHALMERS
Ray....
(scans his eyes)
You do work for.....me.....
BODYGUARD
No problemo, you know better, especially since New York.
(indignant)
JANE'S ASSISTANT
What's he mean?
BODYGUARD
Punched out my ex when he offered him $100k cash for dirt.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Dirt, these reporters are mud wrestlers, look at this crap....... 'Was
Jane ever interested in Tarzan, or....other Janes, like her favorite
assistant?' Jesus, my personal body's guard will punch whoever out, for
free!
JANE CHALMERS
Think I know what's up....and who's who; do we know how to reach
Mercure?
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Since we're about to enter the paranoia zone, how do we know we can
trust him, he seems to appear whenever he's needed, by appointment,
yet.
JANE CHALMERS
Don't think he's the enemy; dunno, just have this strong intuition,
like he knows which way the wind is going to blow....I trust him, he
was onto Genitore way before anyone, including me.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
But you avoided that shoe salesman like the plague.
JANE CHALMERS
Allergic to rats, that doesn't take a.......
(her eyes glaze over)
JANE'S ASSISTANT
Jane, what's wrong?
BODYGUARD
Ms. C.,
(holds earpiece)
Lobby says a young man's on his way up.
JANE CHALMERS
(staring intently at them)
I....knew.......
(snapping out of it)
Young man?
BODYGUARD
ID'd him, name's Harley Quinn, know him?
JANE CHALMERS
From Agatha Christie.
BODYGUARD
Huh?
JANE CHALMERS
Later, show him into the sitting room.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. SITTING ROOM WITH ARTWORK-NIGHT
'Harley' has arrived, just in time; he and Jane are alone; his voice is
the same.
HARLEY QUINN
Surprised to see me?
JANE CHALMERS
I would have been not to see you....although, 'you'
aren't....yourself.
HARLEY QUINN
A privilege of......
(pretending to catch himself)
Let's just say that I enjoy some of the best doctors, along with
certain other masters, available.
JANE CHALMERS
Is there some way you can get me in , do you suppose........ on Mars,
or wherever these miracles are performed!
HARLEY QUINN
Surprisingly easy....and, besides, they're closer than you think.
(he offers her a cigar)
JANE CHALMERS
She reacts to the classic phallic symbol with typical Freudian
effect.
Cuban, figures, I understand that Castro's healthcare is world class.
Tell me, is his beard fake, like yours?
HARLEY QUINN
Ms. Chalmers, Jane.....an old acquaintance of mine said it best:
'Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar', yes?
JANE CHALMERS
(smiles blushing)
HARLEY QUINN
Permit me to suggest, you seem rather piquant for someone who's been
through the......ringer.
JANE CHALMERS
Speaking of ringers, who.....what are you, really?
A LARGE PRINT ON THE WALL, FEATURING NONE OTHER THAN MERCURY AS
DEPICTED AT OLYMPIA ON A FAMOUS FRIEZE, AS A VIRILE ADOLESCENT ATHLETIC
SPECIMEN; THE FACE IS IDENTICAL.
HARLEY QUINN
Now, would your mountainous man servant have allowed us to be alone if
you didn't trust me; no, you are upset, but not with me, and rightly
so.
He, of course, has noticed her noticing it; it morphs into an ogre's
visage instantly; Jane rubs her eyes and does a double take.
JANE CHALMERS
I suppose it's the eerie sensation of staying in her, Diana's suite,
the one she and Dodi used that ni......so maybe you're a double agent,
with the, you know, Company, or something, like her driver.
HARLEY QUINN
Yes, I quite understand, I myself have known her, always hunting for
happiness, a tortured soul, but, perhaps good has come from such a
tragedy.
He seeks to distract her from his 'relationship' with the one time
Earth-bound goddess.....

You're far too smart for that sort of spy nonsense, at least as to
moi; and as for the cigars, a simple matter of commerce,
price-----after all, Castro is a lawyer.
JANE CHALMERS
Before I send for my straightjacket tailors, would you please tell me
what the Hell is happeni......
(hand on forehead)
HARLEY QUINN
I'm sorry, my dear; I suppose it is rather off-putting,
my.....disguised appearance, but you see, they would have spotted the,
well, previous model, you see. Besides, we have bigger fish
to.....
(cut off)
JANE CHALMERS
Skewer! I am livid, those bastards think they can jettison me, after
what I've done.......
(politely interrupted with a mere gesture)
HARLEY QUINN
Take a deep breath, I appreciate the properties of the air, one must
fill the lungs, shall we to the balcony?
JUMP CUT TO:
EXT. SPACIOUS BALCONY-NIGHT
She is now strangely becalmed, refreshed.

That's it; Jane, I'm going to be frank: the time for a paradigm shift
is, well, long since overdue, not that time is my metiere; simply put,
you're the solution, they're the problem, always have been;
rhetoritician friend of mine, Greek if I recall, put it best: 'Why does
the status quo have a Latin name?'
(polite laughter, body language)
Poor fellow, poisoned.
JANE CHALMERS
See what I mean------what's the latest formula for 'extreme
prejudice'?
HARLEY QUINN
(demonstrates hyperventilation)
Ouummm........
JANE CHALMERS
Now you're my guru, great....these are serious people, the manicured
mob, for Christ's sake!
HARLEY QUINN
Please, Jane, don't do anything for that superb emergent entity's sake,
quite powerful enough without our 'help', believe me; look, I have a
plan, a neat little contretemps, and let me assure you, far from there
being a Judas in the wings, you have a very good friend in a very high
place.
JANE CHALMERS
(assuming he means 'God')
I knew it, she's Jewish!!
HARLEY QUINN
(bemused)
Be serious......
JANE CHALMERS
Oh, you're right.....Herme, I mean his younger gorgeous alter ego,
Harley, I'm so damned unrealistic, sitting here with my beautiful
guardian angel.....from Jupiter!
(she's losing it)
HARLEY QUINN
(under his breath)
Close, but not another cigar; look, it's the polar opposite of
ego....I'm not supposed to do this.......
(he snaps his fingers)
Jane is remarkably composed, poised.
JANE CHALMERS
(as if amnesiac)
How rude of me---- Suzi----- may I offer you a cocktail?
HARLEY QUINN
Oh, no, thank you, you see I'm already too much in the company of
coc........I'm just fine, thanks; shall we discuss our upcoming
meeting?
JANE CHALMERS
Of course; you're sure about that drink, perhaps some wine? What
meeting?
HARLEY QUINN
Well, you're too kind, as they say, 'aqua vitae', 'in vino veritas',
yes?
Suzi brings in the wine, stares at him the whole time, almost spilling
it.
JANE'S ASSISTANT
You know, I'm the one who made....all...your appointments;
(puzzled at his youthful appearance)
Have you gotten some sun lately, it really does favor you, very much, I
must say.
HARLEY QUINN
Thank you; yes, I am out of doors, in Nature, you might say, much of
the time.
(regroups)
Jane, may I call you......
JANE CHALMERS
Why, of course, it would seem strange not to, feel I've known you for
some time, although Suzi's right, you do look wonderful.
(flirting)
HARLEY QUINN
Yes, well, speaking of time......
He glances at a holographic chronometer, suspended in the room space,
incomprehensible for its displays in several languages, ancient and
modern, save for one: it registers 'Earth timespan=3 Billion Years,
etc., down to the second'; she doesn't see it, the audience does.
tempus fugit, as they say; how would you feel about an audience with
the Pope?
JANE CHALMERS
The who?
HARLEY QUINN
Fellow by the name of John Paul.
JANE CHALMERS
Are you kidding, I adore the Beatles, practically grew up with
their.....
(laughing)
Thought you said the Pope......
HARLEY QUINN
Day after tomorrow.
JANE CHALMERS
I'm not familiar with that.....is that one of those missing studio
takes, because I loved 'Free as a Bird', listened to......
(fingers snap again)
HARLEY QUINN
His Holiness, he's called.
JANE CHALMERS
(newly aware)
Do I have to kiss his ring, cause you know I'm Jewis.........
(freaked for pedestrian reason)
My mother.......
HARLEY QUINN
Don't be concerned, he's really a head of state, you know; and forget
about that ring thing, it's not like he's Ringo!
(self-amused)
JANE CHALMERS
Oh, you mean, Ringo would be available?
We hear his fingers snapping, again, as we fade out.
FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
INT. SMALLER SUITE OF JULES &; JOCKO-NIGHT
They are unaccustomed to luxury, not to mention the necessities and are
very confused, concerned.
JOCKO
(sleeping on the floor)
Do you think they will notice?
He motions to the haphazard bundle of blankets and towels tied with a
curtain cord on the floor near him.
JULES
Sac du cor, are you crazy? We are big stars, everywhere.........a young
girl kissed me, on the lips
(points to it)
Ten times today!
JOCKO
Yes, but when she reads that you are..... 'depraved deviant', in the
papers, then, boom, no more girls, towels, all the rest.
JULES
You know you are right......
(pause pouting)
Things are bound to change....we will get kisses from young, beautiful
men, eh!
He pounds on Jocko with his down pillow, feathers----a classical sign
of heaven/ascension of souls/air-headedness---attributes of the Fool,
here in the service of the ultimate Trickster---- flying, both laughing
with glee.
FADE OUT.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE MEGASCREEN-DAY
Jane's network is reporting that, due to investigative subpoenas into
the Genitore death linked to their programming and credible reports
that Jane is a possible material witness, as well as stories about her
personal life and affairs, disputes have arisen from her camp over her
services---disinformation floated for calculated damage to her
credibility----- and Jane Chalmers' show will be shelved for the time
being; the others follow suit in favor of 'safer' fare.
JUMP CUT TO:
INT. STUDIOS OF RADIO TALK SHOW-DAY
The controversial Springer like host is exploiting the report on an
intentionally 'slow' news day.
BOB BANNER
Welcome, America to WYRD, where the only thing that's strange, at least
to my opponents, is how very right I am....yes, this is your host, the
man they want to ban, Bob Banner; let's go to your calls.......line
one, you're on the air!
CALLER ONE
Hi, Bob, I just heard about this Jane person....you just don't know
about anyone anymore, do you?
BOB BANNER
Well, let's review what we know: apparently, and this is not confirmed
by our crack reporters---yet---but from what we have, from government
sources, she's on the radar screen in that shoe magnate's demise; seems
he left a note that may implicate her in, get this, some sort of
Satanic thing he had gotten blackmailed with! We'll just have to leave
it to the prosecutors, they know best with this sort of sad
business.
CALLER ONE
I'm sure not watching that junk any more; tell your listeners to ban
her!
BOB BANNER
Hey, hey, 'ban-her', that's me, and, we just report, you de-cide! Gotta
go to news break, then we'll be taking more of your calls about this
and other stories.....
NEWS ANCHOR
Thanks Bob; in international news, the Pope's scheduled mass in New
York is now set in stone, barring any health problems, which are
unlikely, and security is very tight; according to his doctors, he has
exhibited uncanny vitality, with remission of his preexisting
maladies----some who have seen him are calling it a, well, miracle ;
the faithful are expected to turn out in record numbers for his
historic visit to the Apple tomorrow; in other stories.....
CUT TO:
INT. ARGOS WORLD TV HEADQUARTERS NEW YORK-MORNING
The program heads are in conference with the President of the holding
company, a reclusive devout Catholic; none of them has ever seen his
face, much less met him or even spoken to him; he has decided to
personally supervise the coverage of the Papal visit to NYC and suffers
no fools. He walks with a limp, using an ornate walking stick, almost
shoulder high.
BEHIND HIM WE SEE THE HUNDRED EYES LOGO OF THE NETWORK.
CASPER KLEDON
(quiet rage on face)
Ladies, and gents, please be seated; now, I don't meddle in .....world
operations ordinarily, but, as you know, there's nothing ordinary about
extant circumstances and events. Now, I want to know just who it was
who decided to effectively shut down the 'hundred eyes' of Argos.....at
a time of our highest ratings in history, and with His Holiness here
tomorrow?
(pregnant pause)
CAMERA SCANS YOUNGER BRIGHT LOOKING FACES, NOW STOICLY TERRIFIED,
PUZZLED.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Who is brave enough to acknowledge that 'I, I gave Argos 100 black
eyes'.....eyes that have, until today, never closed somewhere in this
world?
HE STANDS, RAISING HIS HAND IN RESPONSE TO HIS OWN QUERY, TO THEIR
COLLECTIVE GASP-LIKE GREATER PUZZLEMENT.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
That's right----I plead maxima culpa.
(another well-timed pause)
Who knows their Latin?
A young well-coiffed dynamic woman, darkly beautiful in classical
terms, wearing a lovely peacock broach; she's a quite junior executive,
raises her hand, seeing him simultaneously reveal a warm smile, out of
the wild blue 'yonder', as it were.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Good for you......please stand, would you, that's right......
Hermes/Kledon is playing it to the hilt, as he has always admired the
art of fencing, from afar, of course...preparing the way for the 'coup
de grace', having played out his impetinata like some Greek
tragedy.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Good for you....and, as for the rest of you, school is in----as in new
school of thought.
(turns to her)
Tell me, Ms.......
TALIA HERAS
Heras.....Talia Heras, Mr. Kledon.
CASPER KLEDON
Yes, Ms. Heras.....why does the status quo have a Latin name?
Most still wonder at his sanity, his rationality, silently.
TALIA HERAS
Well, it's been......around for quite a while, I suppose.
Laughter of the 'glad it's not me making a fool of myself' egoistic
variety, the 'old school's last gasp.
CASPER KLEDON
(taking the wind from their sails)
She's bloody well.....right! And has it ever been bloody, needlessly,
so, as the once macho fighter cried, 'No Mas!' Sanguinity, the word for
blood, now morphs to sanguine----optimism, about our future, our
collective future. No more car chases, no more blow-dried pandering to
the lowest common denominator-------we're going to be Fools!
Even his near peers in senior posts are speechless, and they have run
the show for years, without interference; they literally don't
recognize him, nor does he seem to, them.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
Ms. Heras, tell us about this curiously paradoxical term.....
TALIA HERAS
(inspired, getting it)
'Follis', from the.....Latin, meaning 'bellows', as in blowing,
breathing on, windbag----in-spiring, literally, providing fresh
air!
CASPER KLEDON
Thank you, splendidly done, read my mind! Please, come sit here.
Motions for her to be at his left hand; a blow-dried person vacates,
quickly.
CASPER KLEDON (cont'd)
That's 'follis', gentlemen, all, not its scatological phonetic sound
alike.....
(impish smirk)
Although, make what you will of he 'bag' imagery........this woman's
certainly got one!

Fresh air, for the forge....fire in the belly of life, the soul. Now,
I'm not growing younger, at least out here.....
(points to corpus)
Don't have life to waste----so, what say let's, all us Fools, do our
real jobs, in a way that makes us proud to be here.
He waves arms surveying outside to the blue sky through the panoramic
windowed penthouse of Olympic Tower. He rises to enthusiastic applause,
and faces not so much relieved as 'in-spired'.
WE SEE A PUCKISH GLEEM IN 'HIS' EYE AS HE MORPHS INTO ALL THREE OF HIS
ROLES FOR THE CAMERA ALONE.
FADE TO BRIGHT WHITE:
EXT. CANOPIED PORCH-LIKE STRUCTURE AT UN PARK-DAY
It is a brilliantly sunlit day; the Pope approaches the podium, stooped
as of old, seemingly frail, unwell. Suddenly, as his aides appear to
prop him up, he stands erect, smiling, wearing a red clown nose.
POPE JOHN PAUL II
My American family, my friend Rabbi Mason has urged me to open....with
a joke.....
(adoring laughter, relief)
So I have decided to employ a universal symbol for such a purpose,
thanks to the lovely Ms. Chalmers. Red nose, feet of clay, yes?
(lifts one foot, baring ankle)
JANE IS SEEN IN THE ORDINARY CROWD, SMILING THROUGH TEARS; THE PEOPLE
AROUND HER HAVE NOT JOSTLED HER, NOR HAS THE PRESS, THANKS TO THE
POPE'S SUDDEN IN-SPIRATION TO CIVILITY.
POPE JOHN PAUL II (cont'd)
As I stand here, I sense that a threshhold can be crossed, has been, I
pray; for far too long we have worn a far different sort of mask, a
mask that keeps hidden the truth, patiently knowing, at the heart of
what makes us smile in our spirits, giving the lie to that self-same
soul we all possess, an undivided portion from the Heavens; and, so, I
hope to return to you---I should say, return you to it-----, all of you
in this world, so-called great and small, that eternal gift which you
have always possessed but, sadly, overlooked in the midst of redundant
days, a blurred continuum of uniform time that flys away....most of
those precious days ever seeming as simply unique or memorable as the
butterfly which has but one.
And yet, the butterfly, in its brief time, may, science now tells us,
bring on the power of a hurricane!
Great cheering and applause, with many tears of joyous knowing, now
awakened.
POPE JOHN PAUL II (cont'd)
You, my many reflections, and I, as well, must reflect back to the
world and the Heavens in such a way that it is your eternal spirit,
here among us, within you, feel it, which does possess you.....and,
then, we shall have His Peace!
Music up, Tony Bennett's 'If I Ruled the World', fading softly to voice
over background.
He moves away to step out and greet the people, no Popemobile, but an
amazingly civil line has formed to greet him; the police are
dumbfounded, also standing patiently on line.
SLOW PULL BACK SHOT, SHOWING THIS, CUTTING TO A BUS DRIVING SLOWLY BY,
WITH A BANNER AD READING: '....WITH YOUR CLAY FEET IN OUR ACHILLES
HEELS, YOU'LL BE HIS GREATEST WEAKNESS......'; A PICTURE OF HARLEY
QUINN BEAMING EROTICALLY AT THE SLEEK FOOT/SHOE IS SEEN.
CUT TO VOICE OVER:
MEGASCREEN IN TIMES SQUARE IS SCROLLING STORY AS IT IS READ.
EXT. TIMES SQUARE MEGASCREEN OF ORDERLY CROWD WITH POPE AT U.N.
PARK-DAY
NEWS ANCHOR O.S.
A breaking story from Rome, the Vatican; in a candid statement from the
Holy See's official spokesperson, a certain official has been dismissed
and referred to punitive authorities; in the announcement, where
questions were taken, reference was made to the Michel Sindona affair
some years ago, concerning wrongdoing at the Papal bank as a comparable
situation.......

Music up, segue into Ringo Starr's 'With a Little Help from My
Friends'.......then other Beatles' snippets.