John Not Walrus

John NOT Walrus by J.B. Pravda

London/Reuters/ 02/1/4: It was going to be the kind of coup that
journalists dreamt of----plumbing what was long thought a "dry well"
and striking it rich. He had, he was certain, uncovered
incontrovertible proof, by way of manuscript from a dealer in such
artifacts and an undubbed Take from rehearsal seemingly kept for such
purposes by a disgruntled studio gofer, that Lennon had intended the
term 'virus' as the crucial lyric in the now storied song.

Harrison Speedlark, no relation, we are told by informed, unnamed
sources, to the late George Harrison, was poised to ignite his dusty
bombshell at a dramatic news conference, sited very near the actual
site where the famous early form of music video had been shot so many
years ago; he had even laid on a somewhat costly spread of refreshments
for the expected hoard of his 'colleagues', his term.

As the throng grew, close now to the starting of the conference, a
police-escorted phalanx of limousined lawyers suddenly stole center
stage, as it were; a bewigged barrister, freshly dispatched from the
appropriate Middle Temple Court, was escorted officiously to the
microphone in whose vicinity Speedlark had been basking for
pre-conference photos. Having been politely sidelined by one of the
constables, Speedlark could only listen in stunned silence to the
document now being read aloud over the very microphones he had so
carefully arranged:

"Ladies and gents of the press, may I have your attention; my name is
Horston Veblenger, of Veblenger, Maurauder &; Holding, representing
the interests of Walmart Corporation. In a ruling only one hour ago his
Lordship has enjoined any and all use of the term 'walrus' or, for that
matter, any use of any term in the English language featuring the
prefix 'w-a-l', the same having been for sometime now, since the early
1960's and thereafter in perpetuity deemed the lawful property of said
corporation. There will be no questions permitted at this time, full
details to be available at our offices in London on Wednesday next;
thank you and good day."

There it was: the latest example of corporate mercantilism at its
virtual worst; it seemed that even innocent Art had been commoditized,
in this case retroactively, and, into the bargain---a term used
advisedly---the remembrance of a great departed artist sullied.

In a futile attempt at recovery, an enervated Harrison Speedlark
announced into the microphones which had once been the means for his
exclusive revelation his intention that both he and John would be
vindicated, to no avail as the media had since dispersed, the remaining
audience consisting of the ever-present 'curious' who had, nevertheless
managed to systematically devour his alimentary offerings.

Finally, came the unwanted companion to injury, its author one of the
nameless thrill-seekers:

"Aye, looks like the bloody loy-ers rather 'coup-coup
gotchyou'&;#8230;&;#8230;hahahahahahahah".

This having been overheard by a straggling 'colleague' of Speedlark's,
it found its way into the tabloids next morning: SAM, NOT JOHN, IS
WALRUS, IN 'COUP X 2, GOT YOU!'
The desultory follow on line, granting him the recognition he had
craved, albeit via misnomer, was, however, particularly scathing:
Spudlark IS 'Egg-on-Face Man'.

Certain that it was inevitable that somewhere another multinational
corporation owned plenary rights to even this food-related moniker,
thereby chilling any prospect of profiting by his infamy, Speedlark
spun into deep depression, we are told by certain sources close to him,
thereby suppressing his immune system in such a way that he was
featured in the obituary page a few days hence, cause of death given as
a rare egg-borne strain of salmonella.

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