Swanson g

INT. FEDERAL COURTROOM MANHATTAN - DAY

Scene opens with end of major felony trial in NYC Federal
Court; defendant is notorious International Public Enemy Type
Red Mafiya gangster Ivan Atrovsky; they are awaiting the jury
verdict......

DEFENSE COUNSEL

has just left courtroom to attend the men's room and is
approached by lead Prosecutor Angela Fassbach, star
testosterone wannabe bitch of the office, man-hater, all
around egoist from hell
Kind of in a hurry, got a call
from Mom Nature...

PROSECUTOR
Don't bother; what I have to say
may just moot out your efforts to
avoid shitting/pissing your pants:
Look, the Attorney General and I
had an interesting talk about your
bullshit tactics in this case; now,
you may have skated past the Judge
on this one, but I'm sure you've
heard of the National Security
Court, lead-lined walls, secret
indictments, ringing any bells?

DEFENSE COUNSEL
Are you seriously threatening me
with that second-rate crap you use
on mid-level career types buried
deep in the bowels of the Beast you
work for; because if you are, my
bowels have got an answer for
you....
2.

(he walks away to the
head)

PROSECUTOR
Hey, don't believe me; but when you
start calling that stall your
office, we may have another chat on
current and future affairs, as in
those you'll be having with some
other potential clients in some
government housing I have in mind.
(she reenters Courtroom)

Bailiff asks for defense counsel table to find all counsel,
as Judge has heard from jury foreman

BAILIFF
All rise!

JUDGE
Very well, are all counsel and
defendants present?

DEFENSE COUNSEL
Yes, your honor, although I don't
see Ms. Fassbach.

JUDGE
Her deputy is here; she has
informed the Court that she has
been called to Washington by the
Atty General; let's proceed. Has
the jury reached a verdict?
3.

FOREPERSON
Yes, your Honor; the jury finds the
defendants Ivan Atrovsky, Anatole
Kasspar and Grigori Skinski
........Not guilty as charged on
all 17 counts, the Government
having failed to meet its burden of
proof; so say we all.
(usual uproar, despite
Judge's gavel )

JUDGE
Counsel, your clients are free to
go; Court adjourned.

[CUT TO LA, NEXT
SCENE......SIX
MONTHS LATER]

Ultra-Luxury Automobile &; Concierge Boutique Dealership, LA;
"Swanson" ,our former NY criminal defense lawyer whose real
name is Mike Lowenstein has gone into an informal federal
protection program at the STRONG urging of the Feds, who may
want him as a future witness against his former clients; so
he "decides" on a radical career change post-nuclear
"divorce"---as in from both his former employers, the Feds
and the Reds! He is in training to sell these cars and
other indulgences as his best shot at actually meeting some
of the famous people he has "known" for most of his life, at
least on paper----;the scene opens with the final session in
a plush conference room on the dealership second floor,
overlooking an LA freeway traffic jam....

Instructor is wearing blue sharkskin suit, tanned, whole
schmeer with the couterie, long but well-groomed hair/ early
thirties, showing slides of prototypical clientele/
rehearsing &; ad-libbing pitch routines: his name is Sergio,
with the affect of Fabio------
4.

SERGIO
All right, now you are about to
undergo oral examination for your
PHDs, as in Philosophy of this
Dealership: we are not sales staff,
we are Accoutrement Attaches and
our task, if we decide to accept
you, is to make real that which is
desired in automotive and other
excess; gentlemen, and lady, we,
the select, will enable the Select
to select their metallic fantasy of
themselves in motion. Very well
( on the screen you see a
new client depicted is a
young female model,
accompanied by an older
escort)
-----he may be her father, lover,
agent, brother, you don't know;
Smyther, they are yours.......

SMIKE SWANSON
How ya doon, ahh, molta bella,
aren't you one of the Solid Gold
dancers?? Signore, how may I serve
you? I already know that what you
wish is not to be found on a
showroom floor, like something off
the shelf on display for anyone and
everyone. Am I correct? Good; now,
shall we commission our automotive
artists to create Your kinetic
sculpture......

SERGIO
What the hell are you doing? Is
this some Vegas stand-up act or
your attempt at perfect failure?
5.

SMIKE SWANSON
Begging your pardon, but that is
Carmine Rizzoli and his companion
is Jill Jasperson, supermodel; he
has just purchased the Simpson
place for her and is about to
present her with a one of a kind
Masserati, this he has made known
to certain intimate sources with
whom I am acquainted-----but such
information you could not have had.
They will be instantly recognizable
to you once you have seen my
autographed papperazi collection
with a certain personage of
Hollywood and the world.

SERGIO
(Calling downstairs to his
staff)
Caroline, did you assemble the
slides for our little meeting here?
Yes, could you come upstairs,
please.
(Knock at the door )

CAROLINE
You called?

SERGIO
Aren't these the random stereotype
photos we got from the wallet and
frame manufacturer next door?
6.

CAROLINE
No, sir; this is the celebrity
wheel that the ownership put
together for promotional purposes,
I must have gotten them mixed up.

SERGIO
Fine; thanks, you may go.
(turning to SS)
Let's see how you handle this next
one....
(He clicks the prompter
and Frank Sinatra comes
up with his daughter
Nancy)

SMIKE SWANSON
Well, those boots are made for
walking.....and, uh,well, he isn't.

[Laughter from other two classmates]

SERGIO
We're going to take a recess, kids;
be back in an hour.

CUT TO MOMENTS
LATER:

Sergio's office; SS is seated across from him, looking at a
young woman's photo behind Sergio

SERGIO (CONT'D)
I suppose you know what she drives,
mmm?

SMIKE SWANSON
Well, now that you ask, I would say
something domestic, high-end, but
domestic; silver metallic, isn't
it?
7.

SERGIO
( Shocked at this uncanny
guesswork about his
girlfriend's car)
It happens to be a BMW!

SMIKE SWANSON
Oh, the German company out in South
Carolina? I think they're made
there now, started up a year before
your friend's was created there, as
I recall.

SERGIO
OK, truce, my well-informed psychic
freak. Look, I don't know how you
managed that celebrity bingo trick
today, but let's just hope you keep
it up and we'll all make serious
money.

SMIKE SWANSON
Deal; hey, no hard feelings, right?
Look, come by my place this weekend
and I'll show you some of my
secrets.

CUT TO
FLASHBACK:

EXT. OUTDOOR MOVIE SET NIAGRA FALLS - DAY

Flashback to 1957:" Smike" Lowenstein, age 10
8.

MRS. LOWENSTEIN
Look, dear; it's that beautiful
movie star from the black and white
film we watched last week on
television, remember?

MIKE LOWENSTEIN
Wow, mommy, gonna get her
autograph!
(he runs off in her
direction)

MOVIE GODDESS
(she notices a little boy
tugging on her dress)
Well, hello there, and what's your
name?

MIKE LOWENSTEIN
ItSmike! Couldya...uh.....sign your
name.........
(he has a bit of a speech
slur due to nervousness)

MOVIE GODDESS
(she sends an aide to get
an 8x10)
There we are, "To Smike, best
wishes, Ava Gardner"---how's that?
(she adds the crowning
touch by kissing the
photo, leaving a lipstick
imprint)
9.

MIKE LOWENSTEIN
Gee whiz, th...thanks!
(running to his mom)
Look what I got!

MRS. LOWENSTEIN
Well, now, isn't that lovely of
her...
(she notices the
misspelled name, but
ignores it for his sake)
We're going to have to frame this
and put it up in the living room!

CUT TO:

later that year, Little Smike---the nickname stuck, due to
its magical source---- is listening to an Elvis LP, holding
the album jacket in his hands; he is alone in his room; he
picks up a ballpoint pen and starts writing......

NARRATOR (V.O.)
"To Smike, keep on rockin' n
rollin', Your Pal Elvis P....."
His heart was pounding; he had
seen a toy guitar recently with a
really hokey ELVIS fake signature
on it------everybody knew it wasn't
real, but they liked it with the
fake E L V I S on it anyway; his
looked REAL!
He was hooked;
10.

how many people, especially kids,
had ever seen Elvis' signature
anyway! It was all a matter of
credibility and perception, even
with the so-called "authenticated"
big-ticket baseballs and anything
else a celebrity could or would
sign, including long-dead persons
like Abe Lincoln; I mean, anyone
can research the "actual" signature
and do a great copy, right down to
the ink, paper, etc. Remember the
Hitler Diaries, they're still
debating that thing.
No, even experts disagreed, you
never had unanimity. Sure he knew
this as a lawyer later in life, but
little Smike instinctively knew
this as a kid, in his intuition
powered gut----yes, he had the
makings of an expert forger,
although that he didn't or wouldn't
forsee. What he did know was that
this would get him lots of
admirers, especially girls.....
Only they were actually allowed to
hold the autographed album in their
hands; guys might soil it.
By the time he was in college, he
had boxes full of albums, hard to
find photos , including a Rat Pack
Oceans 11 publicity shot with all
the gang's signatures, dedicated to
Smike, of course.
11.

It wasn't as if he was selling them
or otherwise committing real fraud;
no, just spreading joy and wonder
wherever he put on his one man
show, including the girls
dorm......

CUT TO FLASHBACK
IN COED DORM:

In such a dorm room with an attractive redhead named....he
was terrible with names, other than celebrities, that
is......he was deep into his rap

SMIKE LOWENSTEIN
Yeah, me and two other friends of
mine were roadies for the
Buckinghams on their first summer
tour; it was incredible----one of
our jobs was to screen the
groupies, you know, only 10s got
through.....You would have made it,
no problem. And this one
( he pulls a photo of Paul
Revere and the Raiders
out of his portfolio case
----he got it from a
photography job he really
worked that summer------)
"The British are coming for you,
man; thanks for being so cool, Paul
, et.al." Hey I've been lucky,
that's all.

Redhead is moving toward him on the bed, obviously intending
to get intimate

FADE OUT.
12.

INT. SMIKE'S CONDO - EVENING

Back to the present, Smike is showing part of his collection
to Sergio and his lady friend: Sergio is especially impressed
with the Sinatra "collection"

SERGIO
Where did you come by this one?
(It is the Rat Pack shot
he got from a nostalgia
shop years ago, of
course, sans the personal
touches)

SMIKE SWANSON
I'm glad you asked; my dad was a
theatre manager at the Paramount in
NY and, well, he had pull with the
distributor execs-----got em all to
Hancock it for me.

SERGIO
You know, these are real selling
tools: these two have got to come
to the office, trust me on this.

SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, you're the boss; anything for
the cause.

SERGIO
(His girl pulls a bottle
of champagne from her
oversized purse)
13.

This could be the start of a
beautiful friendship; let's drink
on it.

SMIKE SWANSON
That reminds me, got Bogie and
Rains here somewhere....

CUT TO:

INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

Monday morning at the dealership; Swanson is poised for his
first big transaction; a dour looking man with a double chin
and waist to match is sitting in Swanson's office, doing the
paper work on a nice Maserati sedan he has just ordered---
it's for an "associate", a surprise....he notices the
conspicuously displayed photo on the wall of Blue Eyes

MARIO CONSTANZA
Jeez, is dat Frank?

SMIKE SWANSON
Ole Blue Eyes himself; very proud
of that one.

MARIO CONSTANZA
You got udders?

SMIKE SWANSON
A few; my dad was kinda in the
entertainment field, and he had
connections.

MARIO CONSTANZA
He was 'connected'?
14.

SMIKE SWANSON
Well, you might say that; I wasn't
actually there when he got the
photo signed, but my father sure
was; he loved Sinatra.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Who don't; you think I could see
the others some time, maybe when I
pick up the car?

SMIKE SWANSON
No problem; it's a date. Well, this
is all wrapped up, is there
anything else I may do to fulfill
your needs Mr. Constanza?

MARIO CONSTANZA
Maybe, not today though; gotta
meetin in a few minutes; we'll be
in touch.

SMIKE SWANSON
Pleasure servicing your needs, sir.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, but will you respect me in
the morning.......HAAAAAAAAA!
(Nervous laughter from SS
and the others nearby)

FADE IN:

scene opens six weeks later; Swanson has been setting sales
records at the boutique, and his love life has picked up; he
is having a romantic dinner at Spago with a lovely woman he
met at the swanky dry cleaners near his office; she is a
striking person, 30ish, a graduate student in psychology at
UCLA evenings and a single mom;
15.

she had commented on his interesting wardrobe having
speculated that he was in show business----thus began a coup
de foudra

ISIS VISCAYA
Smyther, you haven't had much to
say; que pasa, senor?

SMIKE SWANSON
Sorry; it's just been such a new
life for me, maybe just LALA fever.

ISIS VISCAYA
Cute, I may use that one in my
psych thesis: undiagnosable
syndrome, featuring acute
girlfriend......Ha, Ha.......with
accompanying speech retardation and
undifferentiated lust.

SMIKE SWANSON
Now there's an emotion I can get my
arms around. You know, this is the
suit that got this complex system
we call "us" started.

ISIS VISCAYA
Versace never looked so good;
seriously, you seem troubled, the
Ph.D. to be is in, baby.

SMIKE SWANSON
I may never get well, if I can
afford you. Hey, my former life
was so different: yeah, the
criminal law taught me to be the
actor I need to be, but the people
I deal with are either more subtle
or I am more na?ve than I feared.
16.

ISIS VISCAYA
Counselor, you can lean on me.

SMIKE SWANSON
You are very easy to be with----my
highest compliment. I've told you
about the divorce, how it nuked me
and my world; I had to reinvent
myself to the point of Patent
Pending, for Christ's sake. You
don't actually see that stamped on
my forehead, do you, because they
promised me at the cloning factory
that I would be a new man.

ISIS VISCAYA
I know I'm a new woman; look, let
it go: did you know that the Greek
root of the word forgiveness means
letting go. That was then, this is
now. The important thing is to be
present in the now, feel your
mind's awareness of your breathing,
your heartbeat.

SMIKE SWANSON
Wow, you may owe royalties to Kenny
Loggins for that. I think you're
very sharp, just not sure about me.
Incidentally, my heart is beating
rather "heartily"-----should we get
the check?

Later at his condo, in bed, post coitus
17.

SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
You know my autograph cachet?
People get so turned on by it----I
suppose that's why I started it as
a kid. It started innocently
enough, a way to be special, but it
seems that it has defined my life.
It's wild, I became a lawyer to
stay out of Nam, but this hobby
sort of took over. Weird; am I a
groupie?

ISIS VISCAYA
No, that's my job. Really, as long
as it is your private thing, what's
the harm is hero-worship, I mean
it's not like worshipping El
Diablo.

SMIKE SWANSON
I'm glad you feel that way,
because, well, 'Glad to meet you,
hope you guessed my name........'

they embrace and make love again, with the Stones tune
blaring.....

FADE OUT.

INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

The scene opens on The Occidental Familia Social Club, where
we find Mr. Mario Constanza in company with certain of his
confreres, sorting out the details of the "homecoming" of
their soon-to-be freed Boss of the Rapienza Family of
California, Nevada and related territories.....; Sinatra
tune, 'Come Fly with me' is playing in background
18.

MARIO CONSTANZA
So, what yous is telling me, I
gotta pick im up; look, I can't
keep my trap shut and we're
planning a fuckin surprise-----get
outta here; here's the way it's
gonna happen: Lou, you an Angelo
are pickin up the Boss, cabish?
Yous know how he freaks out over
Sinatra and all that jazz. I got
the car, but I also got some
memorabilia, possibly for his
collection, that will serve to
cheer him up after 5 in stir. Have
I made my, whaddaya call,
intenshuns crystal clear, or what?
OK, then, noboby says a goddam woid
about what I got planned. Any
questions?

ANGELO MASTROANI
What if he ast me, ya no, about
what's up, why ain't you, his
second, there?

MARIO CONSTANZA
Ya tell him the troot: I got a
surprise for him dat I didn't want
to blow; hey, it's not like he's
fuckin packin heat or nuttin,
right? HAAAHAAAAAA! Sore ite, Ok.
Ok.
19.

LOUIE D'BENZA
So, we play it cool, biz as usual,
nothing special, just another day
in gangsta paradise, huh?

MARIO CONSTANZA
Hey Lou, would it kill you to keep
up on current events; read a fuckin
paper, magazine, whatever, the Feds
are gonna be watchin us, so low key
is the.....key, right?! Now,
whazon the agenda further; oh,
yeah, hey, Matty, what ya got on
this fuckin Swanson for me?

MATTY MAZONE
Here's the deal: felony prosecutor
in Brooklyn for ten years, then
flips to de udder side, reppin
small timers mostly, but our guys
are telling me that he got some
bigdeal Commie fuckhead off a
serious drug rap.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Gimme names, dates; I wanna know
about his old man, how he's
supposed to know Frank, everything,
got it?

MATTY MAZONE
Goin out to Miami Beach, meetin wit
a retired Underboss of the
Fabergente crew who may know what's
what, who's who.

Mr. C leaves the building; Lou D. sits down with Matty
20.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Ain't it with an "m"?

MATTY MAZONE
What the fuck, what is with an "m"?

LOUIE D'BENZA
Who.

MATTY MAZONE
That's what um askin you!

LOUIE D'BENZA
Ya know,"Who's who."

MATTY MAZONE
You wanna get shot. What are you
sayin, you whop you.

LOUIE D'BENZA
No, it ain't "what", it's "who"
that might be the problem ----
that's all I'm sayin, no big deal,
Christ.

MATTY MAZONE
I'll tell ya who the fuck is who,
and what is what: I ain't no Lou
Costello, you ain't no Abbott, and
who ain't on first, who is on last,
as in how many chances you got to
shut the fuck up!

LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey, um done; go ahead, to each is
owen; ignore good English, whom am
I to tell yous.

CUT TO:
21.

INT. ART DECO HOTEL ON SOUTH BEACH - DAY

scene opens with Matty pushing the intercom in the vestibule
of Anthony Visconte's art deco hotel building on Collins Ave,
South Beach; the 80 year old "honorary don" of the Fabergente
familia lives there with his cat Cleopatra, and has been
there, done that, the dean.......

MATTY MAZONE
(responding to a loud
'Hello dere')
Don Visconte, it's Matty Mazone
from LA.

[Buzzer sounds]

ANTHONY VISCONTE
Welcome, come in; join me on the
terrace, you never know, you know?

MATTY MAZONE
Thank you so much for seein me on
short notice; I bring salutations
from Don Constanza hisself, and a
small gift as a token of his
respect
(Matty hands the old man a
stolen Rolex, limited
edition.)

ANTHONY VISCONTE
He has mine; tank him for me,
although time ain't no friend of
mine any more.
22.

MATTY MAZONE
Yeah, but the Don told me to tell
you that it is a good charm cause
it only looks ahead to the future
and as long as you got it on it
reminds you that you got one.
Ain't dat poetry?

ANTHONY VISCONTE
A beaut-e-ful thought, that is;
please sit, sit.

he clicks on opera music as a reflexive cover against bugs,
not knowing the Feds don't even know he is alive, which, of
course, is one of the reasons he still is....

MATTY MAZONE
This is some set up ya got here;
any of your old pals around?

ANTHONY VISCONTE
Nah, all we got here are Spics an
goddam Russians claimin to be Jew
refugees; it's something, the
Israelis said no to Meyer but these
fuckin clowns get Passports by the
boxload; they ain't stupid, gives
em protection from extradition if
things go south.

MATTY MAZONE
I heard they're real whack jobs,
they'll shoot ya just to see if
their fuckin gun works!

ANTHONY VISCONTE
Well, let's just say that they lack
finesse; we never woulda tried to
pull some of the shit they do for
kicks.
23.

MATTY MAZONE
Don Visconte, I may need some dope
on one of their top guys and also
some new boy out in LA, an ex-New
York attorney name of Smyther
Swanson who may have repped him on
a drug indictment a few years back.

ANTHONY VISCONTE
And they talk about our names:
that's a WASP with a ten foot
stinger! Sounds fake to me, as in
undercover type shit.

MATTY MAZONE
You ain't kiddin, sounds phony to
me; so this former mouthpiece,
about 50ish is sellin------get
this, they call it 'accoutermint
acqwezishin attacheez'------top end
cars, and who knows what all else,
real hard to find shit-----to the
bigspenders of the international
set in LA. So, Mr. C. is there
purchasing a welcome back gift for
you know who and sees this picture
of Sinatra with a personal
dedication to this schmuck Swanson
in his office; asks him how he got
it and boom guy says his old man
was 'connected'.

ANTHONY VISCONTE
What more did he say about his old
man?
24.

MATTY MAZONE
Worked at the Paramount Theatre as
manager, whatever, and knew all the
Hollywood execs of the day, that
sort of bullshit.

ANTHONY VISCONTE
You know how they say old farts
like me got total recall for all
the early memories; it's the troot,
and um telling you now for a fact
that ain't no clown by that name
ever run that spot. Used to be a
bigtime venue, hell Frank did his
early croonin there, the Skinny
Guineau they called him. You had
it right: it's bullshit. Guy by
the name of Fred Allison or close
to it was the manager there in the
40's and 50's. I know cause we ran
him: you know, got him girls, all
kinds of shit off the truck in
exchange for no tab and accesss to
backstage, plus a few concessions,
ya know, nothing big. As far as
your gold-plated liar goes, I guess
he doesn't know when to keep his
mouth shut; imagine his Russki
client might be interested, if you
need leverage.

MATTY MAZONE
Holy shit; can you find out if the
guy's usin a fake name and who his
commie client was;
25.

I mean I can get into the court
records, but without names it could
get me government attention-----for
all we know, this guy is some kinda
deep cover schmuck and the files
are sealed or something.

ANTHONY VISCONTE
Sure, give me a few days and I'll
have all that; matter of fact,
let's go to dinner at a Russian
spot I know. They give me
respect...........................
.. along wit lots of information;
they admire the way we used to do
things, sorta like mythology for
them.
(They head out)

FADE OUT.

INT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

scene opens on Sergio and the owner of the boutique company
in LA; the owner, a young dot com whiz who bought the
operation after having been a very happy client, Tad Schultz,
founder of comE.com----pronounced "commie", very prophetic---
--- which he sold to AOL for a mint

TAD SCHULTZ
Look, the Times wants to do a big
story on us and I told the editor
OK; so let's get this place looking
its best;
26.

also, tell wonderboy that I want
him to bring in some more pix from
his collection-----tell him we'll
insure them bigtime, no worries,
all right. When is he back from
New York?

SERGIO
In a week; the funeral is tomorrow
and then he's staying for a long
weekend, taking care of family
business. I'll get him on the
cell, if you like.

TAD SCHULTZ
No, let's respect his privacy at a
time like this. I'll schedule the
interviews and photography for a
month from now to allow for plenty
of prep time; anything else, gotta
get up to Napa for some face time
with my vintners.

SERGIO
One more thing, you remember, what
do I tell all these cash customers
we'll be doing?

TAD SCHULTZ
My guy is former Treasury in D.C.
and is faxing me a legal opinion on
a loophole his firm has found---
actually it seems he created it for
future reference
( big grin)
-----buried in the regulations;
27.

once we get it in, no sweat on the
reporting issue. Hey, what's that
rap song lyric : "The creed is
greed." I'm outa here. Ciaio
Serge.

CUT TO:

INT. FUNERAL PROCESSION LIMOUSINE - DAY

scene opens with SS sitting in the back of a limo, proceeding
to his mother's funeral; the motorcade is headed for the
Jewish cemetery in Queens; he is being watched, at a
comfortable distance, by certain people at the request of
Anthony Visconte........

FIRST THUG
What's he doin here if he ain't a
Hebe?

SECOND THUG
Look.

What they see is SS placing a stone on his father's
headstone, adjacent to his mother's freshly dug grave; the
name and date are duly noted

FIRST THUG
Bingo; somethin tells me this prick
was not, whadaya call, adopted, ya
know; let's get outta here.

SMIKE SWANSON
Rest in peace, ma.
(He throws the first
shovelful of dirt on her
coffin)
28.

PETER MCADOO
Smike, I heard and had to come out;
you got a minute, or can you call
me-----how long you in town?

SMIKE SWANSON
Thanks, Pete; this is a pleasant
surprise. I want to get things
wrapped up here by early next week.
Look, I could use the company,
let's get a drink.

PETER MCADOO
Hey, we're the Jews with booze; let
the limo guy go, we'll take my car.

CUT TO MOMENTS
LATER:

INT. DIMLY LIT UPSCALE BAR BOOTH - DAY

at an old watering hole near the Javits Federal Bldg.

PETER MCADOO
Hey, you sure it's ok to talk shop,
you're in mourning, for Chrissake.

SMIKE SWANSON
Be a good change of subject; she
had a good life, no complaints.

PETER MCADOO
The word I'm getting is that
Vladimir, aka several other
monikers, may be in need of your
services again. Remember 'The
French Connection'?

SMIKE SWANSON
Well, everything old is new again.
29.

PETER MCADOO
Exactly, and guess who's in the
loop? Teddy Schultz, your goddam
boss.

SMIKE SWANSON
No; hey you guys promised me that
the witness protection setup was
sweet, and impervious to this kind
of shit.

PETER MCADOO
Ever hear of dumb luck; you're that
"lucky."

SMIKE SWANSON
You have got to be shitting me; I
go deep to get away from the
Russkis and their sense of "blood
brotherhood" and you tell me that
by coincidence it's reunion time;
shit I should have lost the case.

PETER MCADOO
No, we wouldn't be having this
conversation if that had come down;
fact is, legal ethics fucked you on
this one.

SMIKE SWANSON
Oh, so zealous repping is not good
for my health, that it?

PETER MCADOO
Not when it comes to the Red
Mafiya, it would seem.
30.

SMIKE SWANSON
So what the fuck do I do, go to the
Italians?

PETER MCADOO
From what I saw they're already in
your life; give it a shot, pardon
the expression.

SMIKE SWANSON
Jesus, the Sinatra freak-----
Christ!

PETER MCADOO
Look, they don't like the Reds, you
got that goin for you; they see
them as somehow d?class?, ok,
without loyalty to anything or
anyone. You have got to play it
cool, and I needed to warn you just
so you don't go into a fuckin
seizure when you see us coming.
Here's the setup: Taddy boy is
playing it loose and thinks he has
his ass covered on the cash
transactions he is doing with some
schmuck lawyer, from the last
Administration, who thinks he
pulled a smooth scam when he was at
Treasury's money laundering unit,
thought he hid it in the regs; we
have been watching him, and his
Russian mistress, for some time.
31.

SMIKE SWANSON
Slow it down, man; are you telling
me that our customers are helping
the Russkis bring in their dope in
the cars!

PETER MCADOO
Yeah,dope, diamonds, artwork stolen
from the Hermitage, but not all
your customers are in on it; look,
the guy you sold the Maserati......

SMIKE SWANSON
I am dead, compliments of Sammy.

PETER MCADOO
Stop panicking; this couldn't have
worked out better, as it happens;
these clowns are going to take each
other down if we play this thing
right. Now, here's the plan....

FADE OUT.:

INT. SMIKE'S CONDO - EVENING

SS IS back in LA, sitting in his spacious condo in the Hills
with Isis......it is a week later

ISIS VISCAYA
Baby, you seem tense; I am sorry
about your mother, but she had a
long life; what is it?
32.

SMIKE SWANSON
It's not that, it's that autograph
collection thing I told you about--
---you know the head of the
Department at UCLA Medical , right?

ISIS VISCAYA
You need a shrink? Promise me it's
nothing Freudian----I don't remind
you of your mother, do I?

SMIKE SWANSON
Hey I've been called a lot of
things, including that, but it's
not true.

ISIS VISCAYA
Well that's a relief; what are your
feelings about incest-----just
kidding; hey, I'll get you in with
Dr. Rotweiner early next week, ok?

SMIKE SWANSON
Thanks; listen, with a name like
that I hope he doesn't handle
impotency cases----or maybe he
creates them.

ISIS VISCAYA
In the meantime, you wanna talk
about it?

(CONT'D)
33.

SMIKE SWANSON (O.S.)

SHOW MONTAGE OF PAPPARAZZI &; AUTOGRAPH HOUNDS OF PROMINENT
STARS FROM ALL ERAS.
Sure. Ever since I was a kid, when
I saw my first celebrity and
actually was able to approach her,
I've been fascinated by the whole
idea of fame, how a piece of paper
is like a piece of that fame, a
remnant that only you possess----
the star doesn't even have it
anymore, it's yours alone. And the
way people respond to it and to you
because you have it. It's a kind
of power that even the person who
signed it doesn't enjoy: all they
can do is give away pieces of
themselves over and over, and when
it's done they have almost less
than nothing left. I never really
thought about it that way before,
but it's as if you have preserved a
semi-private moment of their life
in yours, but not the other way
around. What do they get -----
nothing really.

ISIS VISCAYA
Whoa; you're scaring me. Isn't
that the way stalkers think?

SMIKE SWANSON
That's just it, they are "stalking"
you, really, defining who others
think you are, confusing the "who"
of you to yourself.
34.

I mean, what do you really think of
these creeps who collect almost
anything, anything: bubble gum
wrappers, shoes, dead animals,
stuffed animals, who knows,
shrunken heads, even petrified
shit, for all I know, depending on
the issuing ass!

ISIS VISCAYA
Mr. Swanson, I'm afraid we're out
of time for this session, thank
God. I have to run, sitter's
waiting. I'll call you when I get
home.
(They kiss and he walks
her to the door)

SMIKE SWANSON
Listen, before you leave would you
do something very intimate for me?
(pregnant pause for double
entendre to take effect)
Would you let me have your
autograph.

ISIS VISCAYA
Hey, I don't qualify, remember;
besides, do it yourself, right?

SMIKE SWANSON
That hurts, especially right after
our session...Who knows, maybe some
day, and I can say I got it before
you were famous?
35.

ISIS VISCAYA
I 'll have Dr. Rotweiner order some
shock therapy for that one.

CUT TO:

EXT. THEN INT. OF DOCKS/WAREHOUSE VENICE ITALY - DAY

next scene opens at the docks in Venice, Italy, where the
custom Venetian glass sunroof, among other things, has been
installed; a special Maserati is being "prepared" for
transshipment to Los Angeles.....; shipping company offices
at the pier----SPEAKING IN ITALIAN

FRONTMAN FOR RED MAFIYA
The manifest shows no buyer's name;
what do we do?

FRONTMAN #2
Hey, I don't give a shit; that's
their problem at the other end.
Our deal is we customize every
special order car that goes to
Shultz in LA. The names are
phonies anyway.

F1
I guess you're right. Anyway,
they're too busy fuckin with
Mexicans and Colombians to worry
about some old technique, right?

F2
I don't know nothing; I do custom
work so that fatass Jewboys in
America can get laid----now what's
that hurt except maybe good taste!
36.

F1
Hey, Gino, why the fuck we do this
for these greaseballs, anyway; it's
our ass if we get caught.

F2
Because, paisano, they pay more
than the Italians; ten more cars
and we're out.

F1
What are you gonna do with your
money, 'Cesco?

F2
Whaddya think, I'm goin to move to
America and order custom cars for
my rich asshole customers!
HaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaa!

F1
Yeah, especially the bitches: all
you gotta say is "Fine
Italian....Anything, they fucking
buy it.

F2
(Laughing)
That's right; maybe we could do
that with our cocks?

F1
Hey, get outta here, I got my
principles; I'm not selling my
birthright----only renting it!
HaaaaaHaaaaaaHaaaaaaa........
37.

F2
Quiet; here comes that fucking
communist bastard, Dimitri to check
on his cargo packing. Remember,
there's no problem with the
paperwork, otherwise they fuck us
up on our money.

F1
(Speaking to Dimitri who
has entered the offices
with two sunglass-wearing
mountains, looking
Corsican or something]
Everything going ok, boys? No
problems?

DIMITRI
No, why, should we expect any?
Everybody's been paid, so why
problems?

F1
I don't know, just been hearing
rumors about the fucking FBI and
Interpol doing some checking
lately.

DIMITRI
Ha! Those assholes have a fucking
Moscow office and they're worse
than goddam Clouseau, for
Chrissake. The Americans are
idiots and soft; you know most of
their agents have never even killed
a man? Fucking pussies.
38.

We got a cosmonaut on the payroll;
guy says that the Astronauts cry
sometimes in space, you believe
that shit? All sad for America:
fuck America, we've already bought
the parts we want, including their
goddam President Bush, the one
married to his fuckin mother.

F2
How the hell do you buy a CIA
Director?

DIMITRI
With campaign cash, that's how, and
he even throws in his bank
regulators for good measure.
Anyway, we're out of here, gonna go
fuck some Italian women for warm
ups.

F2
Hey I hope you practice safe sex,
they can really want to do all
sorts of shit.

DIMITRI
Yeah, no problem: we tie them
up!HaaaaHaaaaHaaaa

FADE TO BLACK.

INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

Scene opens at the Occidental Social Club; Mr. Constanza and
some of the crew are getting briefed on SS......
39.

THUG 1
Mr. C, you ain't gonna believe this
shit: our boy is a Hebe......

THUG 2
......he coulda been adopted ya
know, I mean it's not like we
caught him wearin one of those
Pope hats or nothing.....

THUG 1
Um talking here!

MARIO CONSTANZA
Shut up; where's Matty?
( Just then, Matty
saunters in the back
door)
OK, yous two go get arrested or
something, alright, that is if you
know how!

The two young/dumb thugs are walking out, arguing amongst
themselves that they thought the idea was NOT to get
arrested..........

MATTY MAZONE
Sorry boss, they piss you off?
Fuckin evolution, ya know, it makes
each generation weaker, less adept-
-----they're my sister's kids, what
could I do.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Fuggedabowdit; lookit, those two
bozos telling me straight----he
ain't who he seems to be?
40.

MATTY MAZONE
Geez, I had a whole organized
report all ready-----guy's a former
Jew lawyer with the Feds; word is
they're usin him on a sting or
something like at against his
former clients when he flipped to
the other side; Feds got pissed,
threatened him with all kindsa shit
about national security oath, blah,
blah, blah, he says ok......

MARIO CONSTANZA
Whoa, whoa; your telling me that
we're dancing wit the fuckin Devil
and all we done was engage in a
little legit commerce in honor of
our boss; America ain't America,
that's all I gotta say. We save
their fuckin asses in WWII and keep
the Nazi cocksuckers off the docks
and outta da sabotage biz and this
is the tanks we get. Where are the
good guys anymore?

MATTY MAZONE
Tell me about it; it gets worse: AV
in Miami got it straight from the
Reds down dere, his former client,
the guy he gets off, is Ivan
Atrovsky, major badass genius
fuckin killer.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Fuck me. OK, I wanna see our legal
eagles tomorrow, set it up; let
them fix this shit.
41.

Alls I know is Mr. Sapienza is
getting out soon and I want peace
and fuckin quiet on the Western
Front, cabish?

MATTY MAZONE
Ya know, we could play this ting
like the good guys: get next to
this guy and use um for cover with
the Feds and the commies.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, right; let's run that by the
counselors ---- go set it up.

FADE OUT.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE AT UCLA MEDICAL SCHOOL - DAY

scene opens with SS sitting in Dr. Rotweiner's office; the
shrink has a white coat on as he has just finished a med
school lecture;soft opera music is playing

SMIKE SWANSON
I've never seen one of you guys
wear one of those, makes me feel
incurable, like you've come to take
me away, as they say.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Not so fast; we don't even know if
you're ill, do we?

SMIKE SWANSON
That's a relief. But you don't
need a weatherman.......
42.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Careful, quoting Dylan songs may be
a sign of definite weirdness.
Look, Mr. Swanson, I'll drive, all
right? Speaking of music, any
objections to the opera----I find
it relaxes people, the problems in
opera are so huge life and death.
(he switches on a CD)

SMIKE SWANSON
Fair enough, I may be a character
in one; what shall we talk about?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I'm a Jungian, Mr. Swanson. That
means, among other things, that we
may dispense with all the canned
assumptions about the dark psyche
and talk about you according to
you. Please begin.

SMIKE SWANSON
My favorite subject, so I'm told.
It all started ........

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
It?

SMIKE SWANSON
We're making progress already, I
can see that. Touche; you see, I
am a pathological liar, I think,
since forever.
42A.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And you expect me to believe that?
(smirk of amusement on
Doc's face)
43.

SMIKE SWANSON
Interesting; I never considered
that angle, at least not with a
headshrinker, I see your dilemma---
so, basically, everything I now
tell you......

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Is potential horseshit; you know
I've actually done this before, so
let's let me sort it all out, shall
we?

SMIKE SWANSON
Fine, fine. What is so scary is
that I can't tell anymore whether I
am telling myself the truth; as far
as others are concerned, no one has
ever challenged me before-----at
least as far as I can remember.
Which raises an equally tough
question: is my memory also a liar?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Let's back up a moment; do you know
your name and, if so, how?

SMIKE SWANSON
Sure, my name was given to me by my
parents and I've seen my birth
certificate so I know they weren't
lying to me, at least not about
that.
43A.

SHOW INSIDE RANDOM FIRINGS OF NEURON NETWORK OF MEMORIES IN
SMIKE'S HEAD----ILLUSTRATING HIS MOUNTING CONFUSION AT EACH
INSIGHT BY DR. ROTWEINER

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (O.S.)
So let us assume it is therefore
safe to call you Smyther Swanson;
44.

how do you know that you are that
person recorded in the birth
certificate and not some adopted or
kidnapped child, now grown, all the
while raised as your namesake?
The point is that, while, in fact,
DNA can determine who your parents
were, there is no sure way of
knowing if they were who they said
they were, or, if that is not true,
the same can be said far enough
back in their ancestry that science
breaks down for lack of a sample
and we are left with perhaps
nothing more than a long
perpetrated fraud, generation after
generation.
But, not to put too fine a point
on it, what's a name after all,
even if it is really yours, as far
as you know. In that sense we may,
all of us, be liars.

SMIKE SWANSON
Aren't I supposed to be feeling
better by now. Because I---
whoever that is-----am not. I came
in here to discuss the likelihood
that I have behaved like an out of
control liar and you tell me that I
may be a lie! Thanks very much.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I did include myself, in all
fairness.
45.

Look, facts, as we know them, are
all built on assumptions, most of
them seeming to be pretty solid,
largely because we, society, mostly
agree that they are true, which may
be very different from actuality.

SMIKE SWANSON
So one billion Chinese could be
wrong about rice? Here's a
personal fact: since I was a kid I
have been forging autographs to
myself---assuming I am myself---
and "assuming" -----and asking
others to assume-----they were
genuine. Now, there are real
signatures somewhere of these
people. Isn't that clear cut?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I'm afraid not. Here is the
problem: who, other than someone
who never actually saw the person
in question sign his/her name,
authenticates that signature as
real, especially in the case of
deceased persons. How do we test
that guarantor's credibility, the
only real evidence being that other
people believe him/her? And why do
they believe him/her: because other
people believe him/her about other
signatures. How can there be any
ultimate certainty?
46.

Stranger still, the signer may
decide next week to change his/her
signature-----don't they first
create it and no one else? That is
why we, this same agreeable society
of ours, have created something we
call trust, but can this agreement
we have made to trust each other be
trusted?

SMIKE SWANSON
So a second opinion may be a real
waste of my time, since he/she is
going to trust your diagnosis of
me, whoever you and I may actually
be.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
You have stumbled upon the
paramount exception to the rule:
experts make a living by not
agreeing. But outside of the
realms of expertise and its bearing
upon making money, the rule
applies: you open a bank account,
sign a card and they give your
money to anyone that signature
tells them to; how do they know it
is YOUR signature, unless you say
it is. The same with the drivers
license you are about to tell me
they, or anyone, can compare it
with.
47.

No, the certain facts are very
limited in scope: the signature
"you" decide to use matches up with
who you think you are based upon
what others, in writing or
otherwise, have told you.

SMIKE SWANSON
Have you ever had a patient tell
you that our time is up? I may be
the first; since you've done quite
a job destroying my mental state,
one unrelated question, do you
handle impotency problems?

SPECIFIC SCENE IN SMIKE'S HEAD SHOWING HIM VARIOUSLY IN A
STRAIGHT JACKET, THEN PACIFIED WITH MEDS, DROOLING VACANTLY
STARING, ALSO SHOWING A 'DREAM WITHIN A DREAM' SCENE OF THE
LATTER SUBJECT IMAGINING HIMSELF AS SMIKE SWANSON, SITTING IN
DR ROTWEINER'S OFFICE!

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Yes, actually, it seems the name
exerts some sort of reverse
psychology.
47A.

I put it to you plainly, how do you
know you are not imagining your
life and are, in actual fact,
someone else altogether, induced
into this imagined "life" by the
use of psychotropic drugs
administered by a qualified nurse
at some mental institution? This
is the subject of my seminar here
at the medical school, and I have
yet to have any student, howsoever
brilliant, rebut it.

SMIKE SWANSON
Timeout. I-----again-----may not
be who I think I am, right;
48.

ok, then when I go to a notary
public to verify my signature all
that he/she does is legitimize a
potential lie. So the law is a
harlot,as somebody famous once
told us, after all, fucking
servicing those who service her!

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And now I see your dilemma: you
now see, do you not, that if we are
all liars, howsoever unwitting,
there are no lies.

SMIKE SWANSON
Weird! But, wait a minute-----
then everything is weird?

DO PULL BACK SHOT AS IN 'ARRIVAL' OPENING OR 'MEN IN BLACK'
CLOSING, FROM EARTH INTO SPACE, SLOWLY THEN PICKING UP SPEED.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (V.O.)
Mr. Swanson, you are standing--
rather sitting----on a chair itself
perched upon a floor of a building
itself sitting on a rock-like ball
in what we call space, governed by
a force we call gravity about which
almost all of us, including the
late Dr. Einstein, know virtually
nothing.
49.

Yet we do not fall "off"----
keeping in mind that there is no
N,S,E, or West in Space, whatever
that is, filled, it seems according
to the latest research, with 'dark
matter', constituting almost 90\\% of
the known universe, the essence of
which we are unable to divine, try
as we may; Yes, Mr. Swanson,
everything is indeed weird.

SMIKE SWANSON
I would call that a big 'YES'. You
don't make house calls, do you,
'cause I could really use you as a
bodyguard/guru for my next business
appointment.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And now it is I, at least the 'I'
called Dr. Rotweiner, who must
terminate our session for now.

SMIKE SWANSON
Terminate------and you guys are
supposed to be sensitive?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Would you prefer 'end'?; I want you
to do something for me, Mr.
Swanson; here is a micro tape
device: I want you to record
everything for me in the next week
or so, including that appointment.
Now don't worry about the law, as
the recording will be surreptitious
and a mere aide in my analysis;
50.

the battery is longlasting and you
will, under stress, forget it is
even on your lapel; besides, why
fear the 'harlot', as you have
indicated-----she can be satisfied
with less than justice, eh?

CUT TO:

INT. MOB LAWYERS OFFICES - DAY

SCENE CUTS TO THE LAW OFFICES OF KNEEDLER, WHEEDLE &;
INVEIGLE, LLC; Ivy League men, and women all, they have
repped the West Coast Mob since Prohibition.........

MARIO CONSTANZA
So, tell me sumpin, what the fuck
have we walked into here?

LAURA INVEIGLE
Mario, this fellow appears to be as
clueless as you. My sources in New
York have advised me that he is
being set up by the federal
authorities; now, he may have been
tipped off by a 'friend' in the
prosecutor's office, we are still
attempting to learn who;
but one thing is certain: they are
using him to get at a Red Mafiya
ring of smugglers who are relying
upon distraction as their modus
operandi.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Hey, at these prices, do I gotta
also hire a fuckin translator?
51.

What the fuck------I got sources,
too, do I send yous a bill? I want
legal stuff here, not freakin
street dope, awright. Gimme da
boddom line for Chrissake.

LAURA INVEIGLE
Sorry, Mr. C; here is what neither
you nor he know: the Feds intend
to kill everyone in a raid on the
dealership where he has been
positioned; they will attribute it
to a 'hotdog' agent, who will also
be killed-----an African American
who has instigated, and had
settled, an embarrassing racial
discrimination class action suit
within the Bureau.
The settlement is their cover,
although it has yet to have been
paid out. We're working on the date
of the raid, although it seems
imminent.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Fuckin great, um supposed to pick
up Mr. Rapienza's Maserati on the
16th, am I gonna get shot?

LAURA INVEIGLE
You must understand, our source is
in the U.S.Attorney's office; we
don't know because they don't.
52.

What we do know, however, is that
the smugglers use Venice for their
heavy duty contraband: drugs,
artwork, diamonds: therefore, since
your vehicle is emanating from that
site, we recommend that you cancel
the order.

MARIO CONSTANZA
No offense, but that's pussy shit.
Itza matter a fuckin principle,
bout bein used, an some
constitutshun shit, too: Look, no
way um letting that car be grabbed,
especially without anything from
the Sinatra Collection to show for
it-----dat stuff is priceless,
shots I never seen of Frank and all
the rest hangin out in Vegas,
Manhattan and whatever. We gotta
tip off dis guy wit da merchandise
an put im in our freakin protection
program. We want our guys to sting
this thing, got it?

LAURA INVEIGLE
How do you propose to do that?

MARIO CONSTANZA
No sweat; we get to the nig.......I
mean, de African American dude; he
gives us the set up an we bust em;
it'll be just like de ole days,
fuckin Commies instead a Nazis,
right? Besides, I oh-weez liked
da way doze dudes talk an dress an
shit, ya no?
53.

LAURA INVEIGLE
Well, we could use the
Whistleblower Statute.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, set it up sows we can tell
the guvament to blow us! I love
it; can you arrange a meetin wit
dis black guy?

LAURA INVEIGLE
It'll be tricky, we must be sure he
is undetected. Odds are excellent
he is under surveillance, visual
and electronic. Who can we deploy
to divert the surveillors?

MARIO CONSTANZA
Got da purfect guys: can't get
arrested. We send um out looking
all illegal an shit and deez fuckin
stakeout clowns bite 'cause it
looks too fuckin easy: cops love
obvious shit, especially at 3 am.

LAURA INVEIGLE
We know his lawyers well, I used to
date one of them. We will make it
happen; the rest is up to you.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Just set it up before the Boss gets
out next week; gotta be smood, he
can't handle too much publicity,
ok?
54.

LAURA INVEIGLE
I think he may make an exception if
he knows, after the fact of course,
that his spot is going to be taken
by the fellows who put him in
there, don't you think so?

MARIO CONSTANZA
(Belly laughing)
Call the fuckin Enquirer, Ted
fuckin Turner, I don't care!

CUT TO:

INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

scene opens on the showroom of the boutique dealership; Tad
Shultz, boy owner, Sergio, SS and the LA Times are present
with photographers, ready to do their Lifestyle layout on
this burgeoning new enterprise; Swanson has, reluctantly,
brought his Rat Pack Collection per instructions.....

SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, Serge, what is all this? Do
we really want the proles to know
about our services-----we're gonna
need a 'No shoes/shirt, No service'
sign if every low life in LA can
walk through the door.
55.

SERGIO
Relax, TS knows what he's dune.
Seems he's got coverage out the ass
on the cash sales he loves so much,
so he's willing to hold his nose
when some crapper-rapper asshole
walks in with several hundred
large.

SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, the creed is greed, if he can
stand the heat, but I don't like
it; I've done some work in the past
which tells me there ain't no
loophole big enough for that kind
of action.

SERGIO
Whad are you, a lawyer or
something?

SMIKE SWANSON
No, I just play one on TV!

Photographer positions the sales staff in front of the
gallery of Sinatra memorabilia, shooting rapidly

LA TIMES
That's great; just one more, could
you move to the left, I wanna get
close-ups of these black and whites
------geez, where the hell did you
get this one of Sinatra with
Kennedy in Vegas? WOW.
56.

TAD SCHULTZ
OK, fellas, if that's a wrap, we
need to get back to running
Fantasyland, here, we surely
appreciate your taking the time to
come out and see how the other 1/2
lives, the other 1/2 of 1\\%, that
is!
(Laughing at his own
condescension)

LA TIMES
We're done; expect to see
yourselves in print next week, say
around the 14th weekend edition;
and of course it will go out on the
syndicate wires to all the major
market papers, even Le Monde and
some other Eurotrash outlets.

[The Times exits]

TAD SCHULTZ
Hey, that wasn't so bad; OK guys,
now you're gonna see a lot of IceT
types from now on, so, you know,
cultural sensitivity is the
watchword. Serge, maybe set up one
of our slide sessions with all the
biggies----wait a minute, he's
dead, right;
57.

anyway, you know, get our black
security guys to get you up to
speed on all the West Coast hip
hop, whatever types, gotta go see
the new owners of the bank, Russian
?migr?s, no less, very upscale with
heavy degrees in science and
economics, very impressive. Seems
they want to go ecommerce, B2B----
I'm their guy, not Gates!

He leaves, cell phone singing.....

SMIKE SWANSON
I thought technonerds were shy and
introverted.

SERGIO
Seems they get very outgoing when
the cash is incoming!

SMIKE SWANSON
I guess so, Tad was talking my ears
off about taking this concept
national, all the big markets------
can't argue with success, he
mention that to you?

SERGIO
No, maybe he's grooming you or
something. This Russian thing
sounds serious.

SMIKE SWANSON
Yeah, a little too serious. Got a
doctor's appointment, see ya
domani, eh.
58.

SERGIO
Ciaio, Smikey, don't forget we take
delivery on that Maz next week so
dress British, think Yiddish, huh.

SMIKE SWANSON
More like Armani meets Damon
Runyon, don't ya think?

SERGIO
Beats 'Yo, Dog' and FUBU.

FADE OUT.

INT. ALL-NITE DINER OFF JERSEY TPIKE - MORNING

SCENE OPENS AT AN ALL-NITE DINER OFF THE JERSEY TURNPIKE,
NEAR NEWARK; THE PLACE IS ALMOST EMPTY AT 3 AM, BUT FOR A
NEATLY DRESSED BLACK MAN, HIS BACK TO THE FRONT DOOR, THE
COUNTERMAN, A COOK AND TWO NONDESCRIPT 40ISH SOPRANO TYPES,
FROM THE FABERGENTE CREW, JUST ENTERING THE PLACE; JUKEBOX IS
PLAYING SINATRA TUNE, 'ONE FOR MY BABY....'

SAL PITINO
Jimmy, wanna close down for awhile?

COUNTERMAN
Sure thing, Mr. P; no problemo.
(He hits a switch which
closes the blinds, dims
the lights and activates
a neon "CLOSED" sign
below the "Open all nite"
sign)

HAROLD AARON
You the fellas I'm supposed to talk
to about a certain lead in a
certain investigation?
59.

ABBY MANNOLO
Dat's us; we appreciate your bein
available at such a weird hour.

HAROLD AARON
Hey, we invented 24/7; what can I
do-----or should I say, what can
you do for me?

SAL PITINO
Meanin no disrespect, Special
Agent, but we can save your ass.

HAROLD AARON
Who says my ass needs such
attention, you a fuckin
proctologist?

ABBY MANNOLO
I can tell ya it ain't the
Smithsonian Institute. Here it is:
you're gonna be set up.

HAROLD AARON
I don't go on blind dates, besides
I'm happily married.

SAL PITINO
What my associate means is, we don
wanna see yous make your wife a
widow.

HAROLD AARON
You clowns threatening me, what the
fuck!

SAL PITINO
Whoa, whoa, no way; we mean nuttin
but respect.
60.

You're working a sting out in LA
involving some commie
smuggling/money laundering deal
usin heavy rides for cover, right?

HAROLD AARON
I can't discuss our business with
you; let's just say hypothetically
that what you say is true, so what,
what's it to you?

ABBY MANNOLO
Again, Mr.-----Agent Aaron, we know
that the Bureau likes to use out of
town agents in big busts, kinda
misdirection shit like in the NFL.
We have it on very good authority,
as in DOJ/NYC, dat you're gonna be
a casualty when they raid the spot.

HAROLD AARON
Um listening.

SAL PITINO
We're gonna show hour good faith by
telling you our business: one of
our associates out dare in LA goes
into dis swanky joint to special
order a car, whaddaya call, a
.............

ABBY MANNOLO
M a z e r a t i.....

SAL PITINO
Yeah, fuckin Mazerati; guy sellin
it tells im his family's all
connected an shit, like to Frank S.
61.

and so forth and so on, so this
gets our associate's attention for
sentimental reasons and the like.
Check him out, turns out the guy's
a former moutpiece for da Russian
Mob, call it the Mafiya wid a "y",
why I dunno, sounds da same,
besides they ain't too hot with
vowels, so it's real fucked up.....

ABBY MANNOLO
Va......whats?

SAL PITINO
Um talking here; yeah, v o w e l s,
vow-Ls, look it up for Chrissake.
For some reason which ain't totally
clear yet, he gives up his practice
an disappears, as in Sammy da Bull,
sept he ain't no criminal, just a
criminal lawyer.....

ABBY MANNOLO
Ain't they all.....

SAL PITINO
Please, Abby we're doin bizness
here, try an be professional. Word
on da street, his former employers,
the Russkis, are looking for him,
why we doan know. We can't believe
they couldn't find him, what wit
the Feds fuckin up wet dreams an
all----no offense-----so we start
thinking maybe he's working for the
commies all along.
62.

HAROLD AARON

JUKEBOX HAS SWITCHED TO JAMES BROWN'S, 'I'M BLACK AND I'M
PROUD', SOFTLY
Let me see if I can finish this
before the breakfast crowd starts
showing up: you fellows, your
organization, doesn't like being
used, what with your car carrying
unknown contraband and all,
especially by some lawyer turned
secret agent who claims to be
connected to your faction, not to
cast aspersions, when he is
actually working for either my
organization and/or the new kids on
the block, right so far?

ABBY MANNOLO
Fuckin bingo.

SAL PITINO
Hey, what would you do? We figure
your bein hit is just soz nobody,
innocent or not, walks away from
this thing, wit tales to tell, get
me?

HAROLD AARON
And just how is it that your people
and mine, yours truly included if
there is such a sting in the works,
all happen to be at the same place
at the same time?
63.

SAL PITINO
Let's just say it ain't no
coincidence that our little
gathering in LA falls on the 16th,
the day our car gets delivered.

ABBY MANNOLO
An les also say dat you are about
as popular wit the Bureau as we
are.

HAROLD AARON
For guys who usually don't know
anything you have a lot of details,
I will say that. So, let's take a
deep breath: everything you say is
true, let's just say------why
should anyone trust anyone else?

SAL PITINO
We are the innocent interlopers
here.

ABBY MANNOLO
Inter.......whaaaa?

SAL PITINO
What's a matter, you got a problem
wit English? It's a fuckin legal
term, the Special Agent knows what
it means, so relax, or go get a
GED......we don't like, as you say,
bein yoused. Besides, we're
Americans for cryin out loud,
capitalists true and true.
64.

Commies are shit, ran their country
like a rigged card game, and that
ain't fair to the little guy.

HAROLD AARON
Hey, I guess with Superman down,
you're the best we can do, that it?
I know all about WWII, so save it.
OK, you're patriots, Hell my
people know all about 200 year old
American bullshit, so yours is as
good as any of it. What do you
propose?

SAL PITINO
What if we had proof that you're
bein watched by your own people and
......

HAROLD AARON
My lawyers have told me that much;
what don't I know, assuming I
believe you?

SAL PITINO
Here's the drill: you're wearin
your vest, body fuckin armor,
leadin the whole freakin thing,
good for the image of the Fibbies,
blah blah blah, only their
sharpshooter's got cop killers
loaded with your name on um at an
angle they can pin on our shooters;
these weapons are planted on our
guys an everybody's bad guys----
usual fuckin suspects----- sept the
law, a course, go down on this one.
65.

ABBY MANNOLO
Hey, Sal, look at da time; gotta
go.

HAROLD AARON
You guys got a secure phone?

SAL PITINO
Pick a number.

HAROLD AARON
I'll get back to you in 24 if I am
satisfied.

ABBY MANNOLO
Copacetic; just tryin ta do da
right ting.

SAL PITINO
We'll look forward to your call.

HAROLD AARON
We'll see; have a good day
gentlemen.
(Aaron gets up and is
buzzed out)

ABBY MANNOLO
OK, Jimmy, open up, um starving.

CUT TO FEW
MINUTES
LATER,WEST COAST
TIME:

SCENE OPENS ON SMIKE IN BED AT 1:00am!

SMIKE SWANSON
Hullo, uhhh.
66.

SAL PITINO
Am I speakin to Mr. Smyther Swanson
hisself?

SMIKE SWANSON
Who the hell is this?

SAL PITINO
Call me your guardian angel,
awright. Um callin about your
appointment on the 16th, Mr.
Swanson, or whatever you REAL name
is, cabish? Don't hang up or
react, just listen: we know who you
are, what you are doon, and, most
important, may I say, how you can
live to tell this tale; are we
communicatin?

SMIKE SWANSON
I'm listening. What do you want
from me?

SAL PITINO
Um glad you ast; here's the plan,
you're havin breakfast in Beverly
Hills with the Clampetts at that
favorite deli yous habituate, got
it?

SMIKE SWANSON
No problem; when and who am I
meeting, who the Hell are the
Clampetts, for Chrissake?
67.

SAL PITINO
Jus be dere at 9am;'set a spell',
what you never watched no TV----
they'll find you, and no
guests.......

clunk, the phone goes dead

CUT TO:

INT. OCCIDENTAL ITALIAN MOB SOCIAL CLUB - DAY

SCENE OPENS AT THE OCCIDENTAL SOCIAL CLUB, MR. C.
PRESIDING......; it is the 14th.....

MARIO CONSTANZA
Whadawegot, talk to me.

LOU D'BENZA
I don't like it, Boss; fuckin
Russian asssholes are all over the
place all a sudden.

MATTY MAZONE
E's right, Mr. C, these fuckers are
conspicuous as hell, hangin at the
Beverly Hilton, Rodeo spots, passin
lots a cash, our girls tell us.
Some kinda fucks we never seen
before wit redneck names are in
town too, fuckin Klampet, Schmampet
, whatever; heard about it from our
guy at da yuppie deli over on
Sunset.
68.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Know sumpin about it; lawyers tell
me they're buying up 9\\% of every
fuckin bank that's even thinking
about having one fuckin branch, for
shit's sake; banks mean one ting:
money washin, question is from
where for who?

LOUIE D'BENZA
Whom.

MARIO CONSTANZA
OK, Shakespeare, ever hear of For
Whom the Bell Tolls? Well um
ringin it; whaddaya doon sittin
here, find out "whom" I gotta be
unleashin my anger on steada you,
awright?!

Matty and Lou haul ass out, Matty looking at Lou with a
grin......

MARIO CONSTANZA (CONT'D)
Carmine, get me the East Coast on
the scrambler.... Sal, what's the
story?

SAL PITINO (O.S.)
Greetings, Don Costanza; guy opened
up like a fuckin fortune cookie.
You got the whole shitload a pix of
Frank and company and a buncha shit
more like dat. Seems he's confused
about who ta trust, what with the
Feds, the Reds and us leanin on
him.
69.

Says alls he wants is to get away
from the Russian fucks who think
they own his ass.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Souns good; tell me, who da fuck
are da Clampetts?

SAL PITINO
Little gimmick we used soze ta let
im know we're da good guys----ya
know, "swimming pools, movie
starz..." , representin all da shit
he loves.
Let im know da fuckin commies an
Feds would either kill im or frame
im on fraud an shit, respectively
speakin, whereas we hole the keys
ta da kingdom, so to speak. Right
now we're the Drysdale to his
fortunes

MARIO CONSTANZA
So he's now in our protectshun
program, right?

SAL PITINO
Lifetime fuckin member, boss.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Ya done good; get laid on me, you
an Abby.

SAL PITINO
Hey, jus like de ole days, widdout
the fuckin commies.......we own dis
guy. May even troe in free legals,
for cryin out loud.
70.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Gotta go, meetin wit the fuckin LA
Times first ting in da a.m. Kirk
out, HAHA Ha!

FADE TO:

EXT. SWANK CLEANERS WHERE ISIS WORKS - DAY

SCENE OPENS WITH SS SHOWING UP AT THE SWANK CLEANERS TO SEE
ISIS, UNANNOUNCED AND VISIBLY SHAKEN..

SMIKE SWANSON
I come bearing gifts
(hands her a latte from
Starbucks take out)
can you take a break?

ISIS VISCAYA
Gloria, cover me, ok?

They sit in SS's car

SMIKE SWANSON
Let's go for a quick ride.

ISIS VISCAYA
You sound like some of your black
and white mob buddies.

SMIKE SWANSON
These guys are in Technicolor,
honey, trust me.

ISIS VISCAYA
OK, the mothership needs an update-
---what's happening?
71.

SMIKE SWANSON
Can you call in sick on my cell;
look, there isn't time for me to
lay it out now, just go with it and
sit in with me and Doc
Rotweiner.....

ISIS VISCAYA
Ok, ok; look, do you even have an
appointment?

SMIKE SWANSON
Um headed for the mental ER, babe;
I'll wait.

ISIS VISCAYA
I hope he's in town........I think
it's cool, he's teaching tonight.
Guess I'll be real early.

They are out of the car and on an elevator at UCLA

CUT TO MOMENTS
LATER:
71A.

INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE AT UCLA MEDICAL SCHOOL - AFTERNOON

Next scene opens with them in shrink's waiting room......;
Isis is listening to the recording device SS was given by the
Doc, swallowing hard; there is a TV in the waiting area,
volume inaudible, showing an episode of 'The Beverly
Hillbillies', opening scene intro with music theme....visible
behind actors to audience

ISIS VISCAYA
Has anyone else heard this?

SMIKE SWANSON
You're at the premiere; are we
together on this, cause I can't let
anything happen to you or your
child.
72.

ISIS VISCAYA
Oh, Jesus, Smike!

SMIKE SWANSON
Take a deep breath: I have a plan
and someone I think I can trust in
the world of law enforcement, FBI
guy who may be in the same leaky
boat with me. He's supposed to
already be setting up protection.
We gotta go with it right now, and
not panic your mom until we can get
confirmation, should be getting a
call from him any minute.

Receptionist shows them into the Doc's office; he is on his
way, they are told

SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
Hey I hope this isn't driving a
stake into our heart, "Ice",
shit....

ISIS VISCAYA
What are we the undead....sorry,
poor choice of words; are you
crazy, do you think that little of
our thing?

SMIKE SWANSON
No, no, hey good choice of words,
that's how I want us to stay, I'm
happy with the blood we got, no
more; it's these vampires out
there, whoever they really are,
that worries me.
73.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
This is a surprise, I hope a
pleasant one.
(He kisses Isis on the
cheek)

SMIKE SWANSON
Doc, sorry for the drive thru
behavior but I need some brainfood
fast.

ISIS VISCAYA
Show Alan the recording; Alan, you
may have been more of a savior than
you could have hoped.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
My God complex is in the shop, so
let's just say I'm listening.

SMIKE SWANSON
Doc, I am in a crossfire, it seems,
with no lesser of three possible
evils, except, maybe------and this
is why um gate crashin------the
Italian mob. They may be the
goddam good guys; in any event,
like it or no, I am their face man,
as they call it.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
You're the lawyer; I need facts.

SMIKE SWANSON
As Bogie said, play it Sam.
(He hands the recordings
to Dr.)
74.

They all listen to his breakfast with the Clampetts:
audience listens in on excerpt of the latter, with possibly
visual ; key audio element: these are hoods, trying hard to
sound Southern---should be very funny yet serious=Weird;
blurry flashback, sound disembodied and coming only from the
tape

SOUND of Plates rattling, short orders in background with
music over of Beverly Hillbillies theme music by Scruggs,
instrumental version, no lyrics(V.O.)

INT. DELI ON SUNSET BLVD. - MORNING

JED, AKA UMBERTO
Mr. Swanson, allow me to make
introductions: Um Jed and this is
my son Jethro; we're new to Beverly
Hills and wanted to get ta know
you, you bein highly recommended to
us in the luxury car and other
marketplace. Gonna be replacin da
truck an furnishin the mansion,
decoratin outside at the cement
pond, an so forth; can we count of
you to assist us?

SMIKE SWANSON
Sure, uh, what exactly did yu have
in mind?

JED, AKA UMBERTO
Well, assuming our associate back
East explained it to you, we are
interested in one of those Italian
jobs, Maseroute, I think;
75.

only thing is, we heard that some
other folks might be interested in
one too, and, here's the thing, we
need it like in a couple of days,
say on the 16th and its gotta be
real clean, I mean nothing but car,
real clean like; also, we heard
that you have the nicest collection
of black and white ole timey photos
of all these here Hollywood stars
and such, which we just gotta have
if Granny an Elly Mae are ever
gonna feel at home out here. So,
we want to introduce you to a real
nice black fella---he's waitin on
the other end of this here
tellyphone----who can give you all
the details, cause we're in a hurry
an aren't all up on our math and
legal stuff, to tell ya the truth.
He' s such a fine fella an is real
worried that everything needs to go
real smooth so that these fellas,
calls um Reds for short, we kinda
think theys Injuns or such, will be
angry when we come pick up this
here car, he says they can be real
nasty, might even have shotguns on
em, guess they're kinda nervous
fellas or real hunter types.
Whaddya say, Mr. Swanson?
76.

SMIKE SWANSON
I don't see any problems at all; I
have just the car you are
interested in and want to assure
you, Jed and Jethro, that I want to
be your personal assistant in
getting everything you desire. I
will make sure, working with your
friend on the phone line, that
these dangerousReds, uh, I ndians
,are handled according to the law.

JED, AKA UMBERTO
Well, now that is mighty nice a
you, such short notice an all; we
hear tell that you know something
about the law and have done some
business relatin to these Injuns,
so we sure are feeling better about
this whole thing. Oh, yeah, you be
sure an tell your pretty friend
from Mexico that we know she would
appreciate you handling this for
us, seein as how, accordin to our
black friend, she's got a youngin
and lots a bills to pay; we're
gonna make sure you are paid extry
on this here deal.

SMIKE SWANSON
A real pleasure meeting you and I
want to cooperate with you all the
way.
77.

JED, AKA UMBERTO
Jethro, how bout we finish up our
eats and get on down to Ro-de-o
Drive, sure like the sound of that
name, though it makes us a spell
homesick.
(END of Tape)

SMIKE SWANSON
Doc, I don't think I've been
threatened by a nicer couple a
fellas, do you?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And what, may I ask, did our
telephone pal have to say?

SMIKE SWANSON
Called the number on the phone
screen they left with me; it seems
that a certain Special Agent Aaron
of the Federal Bureau of
Intimidation backed up what our Lil
Abners had to say, albeit in code.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Smyther, you're a bright fellow,
capable of lateral reasoning, what
do you make of it all?

SMIKE SWANSON
This is very embarrassing, but what
the hell is lateral reasoning? You
see, you're apparently wrong about
me, why should you want my read?
78.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Well, as you have said, we don't
need a weatherman.....What I need
from you is who, what, where, when
and why.

SMIKE SWANSON
(His cell phone rings:)
Yes, I understand; and, Mr. Aaron,
thanks.
( To Dr. and IV)
Everyone is safe, at a safehouse
out of town, Ice. Dr., here's the
playbill: The Clampetts are with
the Fabergente family, kissin
cousins to the Rapienzas, it seems,
the Reds are Russian mafiya, and
the Feds are, well, themselves, or
so I thought, until SA Aaron
informed me that he was to be
Kennedyed by them, his words; and,
well, let's see, the Clampetts,
a/k/a Rapienza/Fabergente, are
innocent just like their namesakes.
Any questions so far?
78A.

Ok, when: on the day after
tomorrow, they all are on a
collision course at my place of
business, which, apparently is
owned by a greedy stooge of the
Reds, who are using his operation
to wash money, smuggle everything
not locked down and, oh yes, fuck
over guys like me who are oh so
accidentally, if the Feds are to be
believed, in the wrong place at a
bad time.
79.

Now, they're all using me for
something; the Clampetts/nee
Rapienzas only seem to want the
phony fruits of my fraud, so they
are the most reasonable players in
our little melodrama, including me.
Um going with them: why, I like
oxygen and, besides, they saved
Aaron's ass and, in turn, mine and
those I care about.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
And you want my opinion?

ISIS VISCAYA
He needs it, doctor; this is the
same man who has questioned his own
credibility in and outside his own
head; what should we do?

SMIKE SWANSON
And, while you are pondering that,
ponder this: my photos are fakes;
even if they kill me I still have
to deal with Sinatra, surly rock
stars and assorted luminaries in
one or more subsequent dimensions.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Power of the media, folks;
(he presses the intercom)
Jean, get me Dick Powell at Channel
5 please.

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER (CONT'D)
Your tangled web may actually prove
to be the biggest media circus in
memory.
80.

Unless the shooters want Oswald Two
, seems to me that everyone will
get what they deserve including
you, my starstruck friend: it will
be your autograph others are
seeking, that is, whoever you are.

SMIKE SWANSON
Why am I not laughing? Will you
talk with Aaron? Can I trust him?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
He has obviously trusted the
Clampetts and you; your best friend
other than Isis here is going to be
P.T. Barnum and his minions, camera
and mike in hand on the 16th.
Remember, perception is what
matters in this tangled world wide
web we have woven, all of us;
entertainment trumps content, and
you are running the show: isn't
that what you have always done and
wanted to do?

SMIKE SWANSON
Yeah, and I don't even have to
bullshit anymore. Is this the
point where you place your hand on
my forehead and shout "Be Healed!"

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
Too touchy feely; better you should
walk on water on the 16th, and call
it roughly equivalent.
81.

SMIKE SWANSON
Aren't we assuming the Russians are
incredibly inept?

ISIS VISCAYA
What Alan has told you makes that
irrelevant, right?

DR. ALAN ROTWEINER
I am afraid that Smike may be
prudent on this one: they count on
underestimation based on the state
of mother Russia; what must happen
here is the car must reach its
destination intact, with no sign of
trouble: Smike, your new friends
the Rapienzas must somehow deal
with this vehicle problem,
compliments of your Mr. Shcultz, I
hear he can afford it. Besides, if
the Russians run him, they will
take care of him for you. Right now
you need their advice, not mine.

SMIKE SWANSON
Let's go Ice, Aaron told me where
to find them; Doc, add healing to
my bill just the same.

FADE TO:

EXT. PRIVATE CABANA AT BEVERLY HILTON - DAY

Scene opens on Russian confab at the Beverly Hilton pool
area, private cabanas if you please....; they are speaking in
Russian
82.

IVAN ATROVSKY
What do you mean you can't find
this prick lawyer?

ANATOLY KASPAR
I beg your pardon Commisar, but
someone must be protecting him.

IVAN ATROVSKY
This bothers me even more; what do
our sources at the Embassy have to
say for themselves?

ANATOLY KASPAR
Schultz is a fucking weakling but
so far he knows nothing except
money and wine.

IVAN ATROVSKY
And the FBI and CIA fuckers we pay,
they have nothing?

ANATOLY KASPAR
They are as weak as Schultz; we
need to go to their Negroes, they
hate this American bullshit, for a
price at least. I have just the
person; he has agreed to meet with
us tonight at the disco on Sunset.
83.

IVAN ATROVSKY
Good; I want to know who is fucking
with us, we cannot count on ex
fucking Presidents, they have no
balls, even this Neil Bush
fuckhead, I could kill him, goddam
bagman for the family and can't get
the old man to make some calls; I
want him killed.

ANATOLY KASPAR
That is arranged; right now let's
see what the man has for us. He
has fucked them in the ass in their
courts and is pissed as they keep
stalling on his settlement payment;
he had to ask the judge to site
them for contempt, can you believe
it?

IVAN ATROVSKY
Why do we want to buy this country,
Anatoly, it is full of pimps;
remind me to get the goddam Arabs
some pocket nukes to blow up some
of their asshole institutions,
after we get the money we want out
of it, that is!

CUT TO MOMENTS
LATER:

Scene turns to the Occidental Social Club, on Sunset, with SS
and IV knocking at the door.....

SMIKE SWANSON
I need to speak with Mr. Mario
Constanza, please.
84.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Whom shall I say is calling?

SMIKE SWANSON
You mean who, right, never mind;
uh, tell him Mike Lowenstein or
Smyther Swanson, OK?

LOUIE D'BENZA
Souns like split personality or
sumpin to me----you need a shrink,
maybe, huh.

SMIKE SWANSON
If I don't see him soon um gonna
need a talented mortician, so
please tell him.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Wait outside
(walks back to the private
sanctum and addresses Mr.
C, who is with several
"friends")

Sinatra tune 'Softly', is playing as background in club
Pardone, Mr. C, got some clown out
here says he's......well, dat's the
ting, he don't really know who he
is or nuttin, sometin about some
Mort Tisch shit.

MARIO CONSTANZA
You fuckin with me, cause that
'who' shit is still on my list;
gimme his fuckin name, describe the
asshole.
85.

LOUIE D'BENZA
That's another thing, he ain't too
bright cause he's usin some
bullshit name like 'Smiler
Swansong', an, you know, dat's kid
shit, come on, 'swansong', which
has the meanin, ya know, that he's
about to die and making noises an
shit.....

MARIO CONSTANZA
Where's my gun! Somebody shoot
boat uh dem.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Sorry, yous no how I can get
carried away wit all the reading I
do in my spare time, which is
really a lot here at the Club, how
much fucking pool can ya
shoot........
(sees guns coming out all
around the table)
Christ, that ain't the name,
obviously, Mike Lowenstein aka
Smyder Swastika! Or some shit.

MARIO CONSTANZA
How interesting; awright boys,
clear out an kill Louie if you
want, he's so fuckin smart he'll
figure out how to raise hisself
from the dead, right!

LOUIE D'BENZA
You still want I should go get him?
(six guns are cocked
simultaneously)
86.

MARIO CONSTANZA
If you could fine da time....

Smike is shown in to Mr. C; Isis is kept outside in the Club
gameroom; Sinatra tune 'My way' is playing softly

MARIO CONSTANZA (CONT'D)
I hear you finally remembered your
name.

SMIKE SWANSON
Sir, Mr. Constanza, let me
ex..............

MARIO CONSTANZA
To doze widdout class you wouldn't
have no time for splainin, you'd be
wid your altered ego Mort Tisch.

SMIKE SWANSON
I understand. No more bullshit,
right. I have come to thank you
personally and to apologize for my
unintended miscommunication back
when you ordered the car.....

MARIO CONSTANZA
Um a reasonable man, a businessman.
I come in to do some bizness, all a
sudden um getting conned; hey,
bygonez are bygonez, sides your
lies were so shitty I knew dey had
to be government issue.

SMIKE SWANSON
Then perhaps, I sincerely hope, I
mean to say.....
87.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Dat the Feds have been usin yous---
-hey, dat's why you ain't wit
whaddyacall Mr. Tisch.

SMIKE SWANSON
Wow, you're better than James Bond,
for cryin out loud.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Don't suppose you got Sean Connery,
love that fucking guy----"Bond,
James Bond", cracks me up, wid
admiration, acourse , ain't even a
fuckin Limey an da way he made that
bitch da Queen crawl to him wit the
sword an all, beautiful. Look,
Mike is it?, we been at dis for a
long time now an, well, never did
da authorities--------how did they
ever get in charge anyway, except
widdout our help, cabish?-----own
us, no, was always de udder way
around. We did a lotta good shit
for dis country, ya know. We
fuckin refused ta kill King, or
Kennedy----such a lovely woman: dey
do dis right in fronta her, makes
me piss red; ya know, shoulda
ratted those fucks out then sept
our credibility wasn't so hot. So
now, we figure, here's our chance
to atone, ya know, what wit this
black dude bein set up an all.
88.

SMIKE SWANSON
I guess I haven't fainted yet
because we're still talking. Thank
God, now all I------I mean we----
have to worry about is the Mafiya,
you know, with a "y".

MARIO CONSTANZA
No style; sure fuckin degrees out
de ass from fuckin commie schools
an shit, big deal; can't even spell
MAFIA......HAAAAAAAHAAAa!
(slaps SS on back hard)
We got it covered: here's da drill:
we jus bought da truckers your
yuppie cocksucker boss uses an the
guys on the dock; sure, commies
tink dey got it all worked out,
never figured that brainwashin cuts
boat ways: alls ya gotta say to
dere American front guys is that
these Reds got uncircumcised dicks
an fuck whosever's wife and kids
dey kill, Bingo.

SMIKE SWANSON
What can I do to show my good
faith?

MARIO CONSTANZA
You awready done it, even doe ya
didn't know it, couldn't a.

SMIKE SWANSON
Huh, I feel stupid.
89.

MARIO CONSTANZA
So did we when we did some diggin;
got sloppy, ya know, tings get too
good yous lose yur edge, cabish?

SMIKE SWANSON
Is that with a "b" or a "p", never
could figure it out?

MARIO CONSTANZA
You sure you ain't part Italian,
cause we got a guy here who's
always comin up wid shit like dat!

SMIKE SWANSON
No disrespect, I swear.....

MARIO CONSTANZA
Fugedabowdit; look, plenty a time
later for lessons in the language a
love, for now, you an your lady
friend are low profile, everything
is cool; yous show up for me ta
take delivery, cabish---capish---
now um all fucked up here! Jus
kiddin; yous been in bizness dere
for two years now, right?

SMIKE SWANSON
Exactly two on the ........ 16th,
wow, didn't compute before.

MARIO CONSTANZA
It don't matter, except it's gonna
seem like da Simpson case all over
down dere: got fuckin media out de
ass showin up for what dey tink is
some big goddam party, launching
your expansion, yada yada yada.
90.

SMIKE SWANSON
To sting the sting, right?

MARIO CONSTANZA
See, you Jews was always bright,
like Meyer, fuckin genius.

SMIKE SWANSON
How have you managed to keep this
quiet, from the Feds and Ruskis?

MARIO CONSTANZA
What, now you want to be made,
learn all da secrets? Let's just
say dat the Feds an da Reds been in
a fuckin standoff for what, 50
years till dah Reds ran outta
rubles------needer one worth a
shit, for Chrissake. Any fight we
was involved wit, 15 rounds max, an
dere, ya know, the outcome was
whaddya call, predictable an all.
Na, dey got all dat counterintel
shit, misinformation, disinfo,
fuckin lies on toppa lies, pretty
soon dere boat playing the game
fuckin kids play: "If you knew that
I know that you know what......."
Gives em boat a fuckin headache,
can't tink strait.

SMIKE SWANSON
So they discount the truth as often
as they do bullshit.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Your startin to remind me a duh
fuckin Grasshopper on dat show.
91.

SMIKE SWANSON
Kung Fu.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Yeah, loved dat guy: so polite,
then he kicks everybody's ass like
he's doin em a favor. Dat's
anudder ting, fucking Russian
mobsters, huh, wit dere karate an
shit: we just rope a dope em, then
fuckin shoot em like in
Indianapolis Jones.

SMIKE SWANSON
So the Feds are coming no matter
what; what about the Reds?

MARIO CONSTANZA
What is dere an echo in here; pay
attention, dey tink when dey buy
information from da Feds dat it's
as good as what we always got---no
way, they ain Americans like us;
besides, they're all fucked up by
dat same shit they an da Feds been
doon since Christ was a kid.

SMIKE SWANSON
Cabish!

MARIO CONSTANZA
Didn't teach ya dat in law school,
did they? You on da team?

SMIKE SWANSON
Backup quarterback.
92.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Good, cause we did not want to kill
ya, respect the Jews greatly, gotta
tell ya. Hey Carmine, get Louie.
You'll like this guy, real scholar.
Gonna keep you under wraps for
awhile till we know it's safe to go
home; want you all rested for the
Sting of all stings.

SMIKE SWANSON
How can I repay you?

MARIO CONSTANZA
Just show up at de occasional
arraignment an we'll tink of
something; once you got privileged
info, like now, you are one safe
Jewish boy.

SMIKE SWANSON
Just say you have retained me,
retroactively, and you got it.

MARIO CONSTANZA
You been retained, ex post facto---
hey, the Romans were Italians ya
know!

hands SS a stack of C notes, neatly bound by the Federal
Reserve, no less

CUT TO:

INT. PRIVATE ACCESS HOTEL SUITE - EVENING

scene opens with SS/ML and IV sitting in a limited access
hotel room with their newest best buddy, Louie D'Benza
93.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Yous sure I can't get ya nuttin,
room service, massage, whatever, we
kinda own the joint.

ISIS VISCAYA
We're fine, Louie; I'm sort of
tired from losing those billiard
games to you and your friends back
at the Club.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey um down wit dat; funny thing
is, I don't even hardly play no
more, I like reading better, helps
keep the mind active and shit. You
like ta read?

ISIS VISCAYA
Why, yes, all sorts of things, why
do you ask?
(SS/ML is on the secure
phone with SA Aaron....)

LOUIE D'BENZA
I could recommend some good stuff--
---jus finished a book by Depak
Chopra, very spiritual, very
inspirin.

ISIS VISCAYA
He is quite inspirational, drawing
from all cultures yet synthesizing
their central message of human
aspiration toward commonality of
meaning in life.
94.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Yeah, I was jus gonna say that;
funny how minds think alike, right?

ISIS VISCAYA
Something like that; say, Matty, do
you think I could get some aspirin,
got a killer headache?

LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey, um on it; got two guys
outside, so don't worry about
security while um gone.
( He leaves)

SMIKE SWANSON
Your mom and chico are fine; Aaron
is class, just focused on the right
thing, lotta guts. He's got the
commies----sound like Mario---
believing he is cooperating with
them like some kinda rational Idi
Amin; has them persuaded that he
will Whistleblower the whole FBI
into paralysis, they'll actually
get more shit through than ever.
Says the Russians are coming....

ISIS VISCAYA
Don't you have a shot from that
film, Alan Arkin, "To boychik
Smike, Alan"?
95.

SMIKE SWANSON
You know you are right; that was
one of the first ones where I had
the celeb use my nickname----
you're relaxed to be talking about
trivia.

ISIS VISCAYA
In case you missed it, it's that
trivia that has, shall we say,
gotten you/us into this fine mess.

SMIKE SWANSON
I might have Stan
Laurel.......touch?; let me get you
up to speed, OK?

ISIS VISCAYA
Listening, my head can't possibly
hurt any worse, so spare me any
fluff.

SMIKE SWANSON
We are business as usual tomorrow;
Aaron says that the Feds and the
Reds are so preoccupied with each
other that Constanza and crew are
not even on their radar, just see
it as a bonus: the Feds get a gimme
collar and the Reds lose some
competition. Amazing arrogance.

ISIS VISCAYA
It makes sense in a netherworld
kind of way: here we have two ages
old worldviews and their
stereotypical minions, Stepforded
out on all that Cold War crap;
96.

how can they trust any information
they get?

SMIKE SWANSON
You have ESP; that's the Italians'
MO; you think Dr. Rotweiner would
let me audit some of his classes?

ISIS VISCAYA
Hey, not your fault, you've worked
for both sides, so they sort of
cancelled each other out in your
psyche, call it bullshit burnout.
Happens all the time, it's what
really happens to all their spies
and intelligence bozos. After a
while, it's a pox on both your
houses. And they both deserve it,
wasting all those resources shadow
boxing for penile supremacy, really
terribly embarrassing to the
species, the male version that is.
Women have seen through it forever,
that's why these freaks are all
male.

SMIKE SWANSON
Don't you want to know what's going
to happen tomorrow according to
American mob Hoyle?

ISIS VISCAYA
Not a Club member, just hustle pool
with mid-level gangster management.
97.

SMIKE SWANSON
That hurts; look, the "good" guys--
-situationally ethically speaking,
of course-----are stinging both
their adversaries bigtime; selected
media types, including the Doc's
buddy at 5, will be in attendance
with strict rules of engagement:
these media assholes may actually
stumble into doing the right thing
the right way, thanks to a little
Mafia influence; I'm sure part of
it was exclusive rights to the
story from Mario and the Doc.

ISIS VISCAYA
Wait a minute, the Doc needs your
OK for that.

SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, even I knew that he knew I
want publicity on this thing, best
insurance around. I'll waive any
privilege and he knew it.

Louie is back, with 10 kinds of analgesic...

LOUIE D'BENZA
For da lady...

ISIS VISCAYA
You know, I'm feeling better
already.
98.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Boss says you can go home now;
don't want things looking hinky so
he wants I should get you back to
your car-----we moved it so, if ya
was tailed----those fuckers are so
lost they will need Sherpa guides
to get back to LA in time. Used a
identical twin, right down to the
plates so when whoever gets two
different reports they'll blow it
off; Feds ain't looking cause a
Aaron an the Russkis are newbies in
LA, don't know shit bout the Club.

SMIKE SWANSON
I'll be at the dealership at 8;
look for you then.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey boss don't do nuttin fore 10,
but knock yourself out; shit don't
happen till noon anyway:remember,
act natural, we're backing you up,
cabish?

SMIKE SWANSON
Got lotsa pictures to pack up,
wanna get started early.

CUT TO:

INT. LUXURY BANK PENTHOUSE ON WILSHIRE - DAY
99.

scene opens in Bank suite of offices on Wilshire, the latest
Russian mob bank acquisition @ less than the disclosable 10\\%
threshold; Tad Shcultz and his newfound friends/backers are
wrapping up the latest cash laundry scheme....

MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
Theodore, you have quite a thriving
business on your hands, and we are
ready to take it, how do you say,
to the next level; the publicity
has really stoked the buyers
volume, mostly in cash!
(He grins)
Obviously, we will make our
personnel available to transfer the
large amounts daily, for your own
protection, you understand.

TAD SCHULTZ
I feel better just knowing your
people will be around regularly
and, with your new assistance from
the Federal establishment, we
should be immunized; the fact that
you are utilizing an African
American whom they fear is the
ultimate security: hey, what do
they say: "It's all good!"
(Forced Russian laughter
who haven't a clue what
it means, like Tad)

MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
You are why capitalism wears such a
friendly face now that we are
partners in progress;
100.

Ursula, would you be so kind as to
bring us some champagne and Beluga,
thank you?

TAD SCHULTZ
I will have Mr. Aaron's share ready
for him tomorrow when he arrives
shopping for his vehicle, as
arranged.

MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
Excellent; ah, here it is;
gentlemen, To the beginning of a
beautiful friendship! Prost!

TAD SCHULTZ
Hey, you know Casablanca: I can get
you some great autographed photos
of Bogie and Claude Rains......

MIKHAIL BOROVSKY
We prefer Major Strasser!
HAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA.

CUT TO:

EXT. THEN INT. OF BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP - MORNING

-

scene opens at the dealership, it is 7 am, the place is empty
save for "Smike"; he has brought a huge bankers box of photos
and memorabilia for Constanza......; he sits at his desk,
with an 8x10 of himself, a few years younger, when he had
them made up for kicks/gag gifts.....
101.

SMIKE SWANSON
( He mutters aloud as he
writes )
To Anthony Rapienza, Too Late for
Me, Save Yourself, signed Mike L.,
Your New/Late Counsel."
(He laughs nervously at
his bathetic joke; he
puts it aside)

Dials the phone

SMIKE SWANSON (CONT'D)
Hey, Lou, nee Smike here; how ya
feeling?

ISIS VISCAYA
(At the safe house; Louie
is with her)
Fine, fine; everyone is exhausted,
except for Louie, never shuts up.
How are things there?

SMIKE SWANSON
Too early to tell; making out some
provisional documents.

ISIS VISCAYA
Not a will?

SMIKE SWANSON
No, actually, autographed photos
dedicated to my new pals, mostly,
and to you.......
102.

ISIS VISCAYA
I like the 3D version, thanks.
Look, Louie says-----well,
everything, including that you are
one safe Jewboy, got you covered;
besides, if things go south, he has
promised to take me somewhere
special "soze to ease da grief a
yous bein whacked"----kidding,
kidding. Seriously, I like these
people, their psychological
profiles are healthier than most of
the suits in white hats I know of.

SMIKE SWANSON
Not to mention their grammer; look,
I can think of worse things than
having to say 'fug-ed-a-bowed-it'
regularly. I'm peaceful about it;
hey, before there were courts there
was justice somewhere in the world,
it's not just an ideal, it's real,
only the law-----remember the
harlot----can get in the way even
accidentally. So long as there's
little or none in or out of court
to speak of, I figure I'm hangin
with the people who at least don't
pretend to be something they're
not, cabish?

ISIS VISCAYA
Spoken like a true soldier;
besides, they don't hang people
anymore.
103.

SMIKE SWANSON
Right, only pack them neatly into
55 gallon drums. Somebody's
coming, tell Louie to have his
lookouts perk up.

ISIS VISCAYA
I love you, Louis; vaya con Dios.
Sign some more pictures, you're the
star now. Grande besso.

A kid reporter with another TV outlet has wandered in, SS has
forgotten to lock the door........

REPORTER
Hi, I'm Hall Stanley, with
ExecNews, the business cable
channel; heard there's a big event
set for noonish, do you know where
we should park the van?

SMIKE SWANSON
(Thinking fast....)
Gee, ya know, good question; can ya
have a seat, let me check on
something.
(Dialing frantically)
Louie, what the fuck, some Jimmy
Olsen fuck is.....

LOUIE D'BENZA
Chill, counselor; we knew we
couldn't avoid whaddya call leaks,
fucking press; soze, look out your
window, you should be seeing his
van pullin outta dere now, sorta
hijacked; I'll send him a cab.
104.

They ain't on the list, so looks
like we got some cool equipment for
salvage and so forth. Sit tight,
we're on the case.'

The reporter is gone via "cab"-----Louie has sent it before
SS could react; going for a long ride outta town, in a
special cab----cell phones don't seem to work, neither do the
inside door handles....

CUT TO:

EXT. MASERATI IS EN ROUTE TO DEALERSHIP - MORNING

scene cuts to the "chase"-----the Maserati is en route to the
dealership, with some cocky Russians as passengers; there are
two cars following at a distance

DRIVER OF MAZ
You see those guys back there?

SECOND RUSSIAN
Da; pull over, see what happen.

The two cars, with what looks like men and women, pass at
normal speed

THIRD RUSSIAN
Fucking tourists from Minnesota;
let's go.

The car pulls out; they are playing the Beatles' "Back in the
USSR", rocking out, Russian style....half way thru song, car
sputters.....

DRIVER
Fucking Italian bitch, what is
happening?

SECOND R
We are stopping.
105.

DRIVER
Oh, you think so, you Cossack fuck
you.

SECOND R
Hey, not for our ancestors fucking
your mothers you not be here,
bitch.

THIRD R
(Obviously in charge )
Shut up shitheads; get to the curb.
We are out of fucking petrol.

DRIVER
Gauge is on F.

THIRD R
F for Fucking stupid; we are being
hijacked; get the shotguns out of
trunk.

Just as they realize they have no trunk key and latch won't
work without engine running..... the tourists pull up; two
Russians have 9mms...

A "woman" with a bullhorn and an Uzi orders them out

WOMAN
(Pulling off wig)
Get the fuck ouda da car; yous guys
are dead if you was smoking in
there, swear to Christ!
(They get out, dropping
guns, seeing they are
surrounded )
Jimmy, check the fuckin ashtrays,
motherfuck.
106.

THIRD R
Who are you; do you know with who
you are fucking?

LOUIE D'BENZA
( wearing conservative
tourist clothes white sox
included)
It's 'whom' you ignorant commie
bastard; can't fucking stand it
when immigrants such as yourselves
don learn the fuckin language, it's
so easy now, what wid audiotapes,
every kinda videotape, what the
fuck. Onna groun; take off ya
shoes and socks, den ya pants.

SECOND R
Why, you going to rape us like KGB?

LOUIE D'BENZA
( laughing with his boyz)
Well, yous are bedda looking dan
yuh women, but, no, gonna let the
brothers in slam deal with sexual
matters, seein as how yous are
headed dere; when dey fine out yous
was gonna help off one a dere own,
figure its bitch time for yous.

DRIVER R
We do not scare by you; we do time
in fucking Siberian gulag, fuckers.
We kill you good.
107.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Put da chains on em, Jimmy; you so
bad, bite true dem an you walk
away.

Out the Maz window, Louie, driving, shouts:

LOUIE D'BENZA (CONT'D)
See yous at the U.N., Turd World
section; oh, by da way, all your
paintins an shit will be
protected,....... at the Customs
warehouse and FBI evidence lockup,
c/o Special Agent Aaron; you'll see
your stuff in whaddya call,
Court!HAAAHAAA Nuttin personal, jus
da way we do things downtown USA.
Hey even lefties got rights!

JIMMY
(in car driving off)
Hey, that was a very nice pun.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Why, thank you James, very astude a
you ta notice.

CUT TO:

EXT. THEN INT. OF BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP - DAY

GRAND FINALE; ALL PLAYERS ARE CONVERGING ON DEALERSHIP; IT IS
11:30AM; THE RUSSIANS, SATISFIED THAT ALL IS WELL, ARE
SENDING OVER THEIR BAG MEN FOR THE PICK UP; TAD SCHULTZ HAS
PULLED OUT OF HIS GARAGE, TAILED BY ONE OF AARON'S MEN;
108.

AARON IS WITH THE ASSAULT SQUAD OF THE FBI WHO ARE PREPARED
TO CARRY OUT THE PLAN THEY BELIEVE HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT;
AND THE RAPIENZA CREW, WELL, THEY ARE READY TO CUE THE
MEDIA.........CUE MUSIC, 'BEVERLY HILLBILLIES' THEME WITH
LYRICS AS SOON AS SMIKE SPIES JED AND JETHRO IN LOT

SMIKE SWANSON
(Looking out to the
parking lot; can't
believe his eyes, two
hicks in a pickup truck
have made for the
door....)
Jed, Jethro?

JED, AKA UMBERTO
Well, beautiful morning, ain't it?
We sure hope its awright to come
by wanted to surprise the ladies;
you got that car we been wantin?

SMIKE SWANSON
You guys can relax, we're alone.

JETHRO,AKA VINNY
Fuck me, hope nobody from New York
is out here, this is very very
embarrassing.

JED, AKA UMBERTO
We wasn't spozed ta even been here,
figured we was done with this
hayseed shit; get a call from Mario
sayin we gotta be here to make the
fuckin press happy n shit. Christ!

JETHRO, AKA VINNY
First fuckin TV camera in my face
um gonna break the bitch;
109.

guys in Jersey see dis shit, we
might as well be fuckin queer or
sumpin disgraceful.

SMIKE SWANSON
Relax; you guys are really good;
how the fuck did you learn to put
on that accent, really convincing.
(total bullshit)

JED/UMB.
Ya really tink so; cause me an
Vinny been thinking, we're pretty
fucking good actors, ya know;
you're friends wit all dese
Hollywood executives an all, right?

JETHRO/VINNY
Yeah, maybe get us a entry-level
gig, commercial or sumpin to get
our talents in fron a da public.

SMIKE SWANSON
Well, could be, could be-----but,
look, that means no busting cameras
or faces or ......

JED/UMBERTO
I think I speak for my associate, I
mean Jethro
(falling into lousy
Southern accent they have
been using all along at
the Deli and here)
, when I says fuck the guys in
Jersey!
110.

SMIKE SWANSON
That's the spirit; now why don't
you boys go into my office......

JETHRO/VINNY
An set a spell----

TO UMB./JED
pretty good huh?
(they all smile,
especially SS as if he is
going to vomit)

Just then, TS shows up with his Russian pals in tow; doesn't
think anything of what he sees, expecting weird customers,
now that cash is king...

TAD SCHULTZ
(greeting the Clampetts)
Gentlemen, you are in good hands
with AllSmike, he's our best!
(keeps walking with his
weird Russian friends)

Now it's the Feds turn as they encircle the building

HAROLD AARON
(into his mouthpiece)
Ok, by the numbers; you know the
drill; the guy with the hicks is
with us, now deploy and clear any
changes with me, report in every 5,
got it?

he hears acknowledgements and proceeds upstairs quietly with
two SWAT guys

CUT TO:
111.

EXT. LAWN AROUND BOUTIQUE BUILDING - DAY

As soon as Aaron and company move upstairs, out of harm's
way.....

MATTY MAZONE
(into his mouthpiece)
Awright, boys, work your way up to
these SWAT bozos, doin your lawn
work, nice an slow....

CUT TO:

INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

DICK POWELL /CH. 5
(arriving seconds later)
Mr. Swanson, Dr. Rotweiner said I
should look you up. What's
happening here, SWAT team/
FBI......

SMIKE SWANSON
Why don't you set up your gear near
the Mazerati sedan; it will all
become clear in a couple of
moments.

DICK POWELL /CH. 5
What's with the country boys,
having free hotdogs?
112.

SMIKE SWANSON
Hey, I can assure you they are
VIPs.

CUT TO MOMENTS
LATER:

EXT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

SWAT TEAM CO-LEADER
SA Aaron, got some guys, say
they're undercover, tellin us ta
stand down, unlock &; unload....

CUT TO:

INT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

HAROLD AARON
Shit! Goddam DEA or locals...hold
tight, on my way....
(smiles at his own acting
abilities)

CUT TO:

EXT. BOUTIQUE DEALERSHIP IN LA - DAY

MATTY MAZONE
(into a closed circuit
communicator)
113.

OK, Louie, bring in da cavalry wit
press badges blazing!

CUT TO:

INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

Other press people swarm into showroow, and Mr. Constanza has
arrived unnoticed....

HAROLD AARON
Ladies and Gentlemen of the press,
may I have your attention: my name
is Special Agent in Charge Harold
Aaron; I have just ordered, with
the help of certain undercover
allies, the arrest of Mr./ Tad
Schultz, his Russian mobster
partners operatives on charges of
money laundering; there is an
additional charge of drug
trafficking, and miscellaneous
international smuggling by his
Russian 'banker' friends aided and
abetted by Mr. Schultz
(he orders the car opened,
revealing artworks of
various kinds, and drug
packages cleverly hidden
throughout)
Finally, I hereby place under
arrest the SWAT members, who are
charged with being co-conspirators
in the attempted murder of this
Federal Agent.
114.

Pandemonium; during it, after they have been stripped of
their weapons featuring cop killer armor piercing ammunition,
Constanza and Mazone's independent contractors slowly
disappear; some press people have noticed the Clampetts who
are there as a diversion/distraction for Constanza &;
company,
and are interviewing them; just then, a limo pulls up with
Nancy Sinatra emerging---she is, of course, wearing
boots...cueing her hit song, 'These boots are made for
walking', loud to soft

EXT. PARKING LOT OF LUXURY BOUTIQUE - DAY

NANCY SINATRA (CAMEO)
Just great! I was looking forward
to seeing the collection of photos
of my Dad I saw in the LA Times---
wouldn't you know it, the press was
tipped off I would be here!
(turning to her driver)
Let's go, just don't know why they
can't leave me alone.....

CUT TO:

INT. SCHULTZ LUXURY BOUTIQUE/DEALERSHIP - DAY

MARIO CONSTANZA
Hey, Smike, I mean Mike, you got
dose pictures we spoke about?
Gotta go get Mr. R., don't want to
show up empty handed, especially
since we gotta forget about da
Mazerati for a while.

SMIKE SWANSON
Mike is good, please. Smike took a
hike, as in forever.
114A.

Took off the Smike dedications, per
instructions; hope he doesn't
expect them dedicated to him.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Nah, not dese; only de udders, from
time to time, dat you're gonna
procure for me, if you get my
drift.
115.

MIKE LOWENSTEIN, FKA SMIKE SWANSON
But Smike is history.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Hey, what's in a name, as Bill
Shakespeare toll us, right? Your
pictures will, whaddyacall, still
look as sweet.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Finally, um getting my money's
worth, D'Benza; putz is right: all
that matters is to who you
autograph it to, Mile.

LOUIE D'BENZA
Whom.

MARIO CONSTANZA
Good ting the fuckin media is here
to cover your ass!
(feigning anger, and gun
pulling gesture----C hugs
ML and LD)

Story ends, fading out on Mike Lowenstein phoning Isis to
advise his good health......

-30-

MUSIC BUILDS UP, AND IT IS, OF COURSE, Back in the
USSR.........

ROLL CREDITS