Home Improvements for girls

"Home Improvements"

The fortunate thing about Alice being alone as she opened her birthday
presents was that she did not have to quickly work a mask of
satisfaction across her mouth and eyes. This was just as well, because
she knew the moment she picked up her mother's present that it would be
disappointing. A book, hardcover at that. She had not requested a book
and could not think of one that she might like.

She opened it with a small quiet breath and studied it. "How Feng Shui
can work for you!" Mother had surpassed herself this time.

Alice worked hard and did not really play at all. Her house was neat,
self-contained and lacking in character of any sort. She had embraced
minimalism not because it was fashionable, but rather because it meant
she didn't need to paint the walls in anything more daring than white.
She did not tolerate nonsense and placed Feng Shui firmly in that
category.

A fortnight later, Alice decided to flick through the pages of the
book. It had a good weight for reading in the bath and if it were to
drop into the suds, then so be it.

Hmmm, thought Alice, as she flipped over the page, that looks like my
mirror. And my sink. And my toothbrush?

She read, "Your austere bathroom is robbing you of the chance of
promotion. Turn over the page Alice to see how some small alterations
could get you a chance to work on the Mockford-Bryce account. "

She blinked a little but did not turn over the page. Instead, she moved
around in the bath awkwardly and then looked at some of the other
chapters in the book. The photographs for all of the "Before" pages
were the exact match of rooms in her house. Even down to wineglasses
and? discarded junk mail that she hadn't yet placed in the bin.
Photographs that could only have been taken that day.

The next day, Alice found herself idly thinking about a splash of
colour in her bathroom, something to warm it up a bit. And maybe a rug
too. One of the "After" photographs in the book did look rather
jolly.

Once Alice was told by her boss of a promotion and that she'd been
working on a special account, she began to take a real interest in the
book.

"Where did you find it, mum?" she asked by telephone.

"Just in some little bookshop, " her mother said, "I just thought, that
would be perfect for Alice. You work too hard and that house of yours
isn't really a home at all. I thought, a little Feng Shooey would be
just the ticket. "

Alice wasn't about to get into a total redecoration, she was a busy
woman and didn't like the smell of turps. But she did see something in
the book that interested her - "By moving your armchair six inches to
the west, your friend Gavin who you covet, will regard you in a
romantic manner". She wasn't about to believe that, but she had to move
the chair to Dyson anyway?

When Gavin rang up ask if she fancied going out for dinner, there was
something different in the tone of his voice, less assured and certain
than usual.

She really had been interested in Gavin for some time, but he had never
seemed interested, there had never been a spark. When they went out to
dinner that night, the spark was also in attendance. The armchair did
not get moved back after the housework was over. There was a new place
for it in Alice's living room.

Equally, she grew rather fond of the pot-plants that had achieved her
recognition and financial reward in the workplace.

She started to see more and more of Gavin, and that tight friendship
and shared sense of humour seemed better and better when linked to
mutual physical attraction. It wasn't long before they started getting
serious about each other.

Alice was very interested to find a passage in the book, which read, "A
mirror in a silver frame placed just so in the hallway will enable you
to triumph in any argument with Gavin, yet with no resentment on his
part."

The mirror was duly installed and Alice was very much in the driving
seat in the relationship. And so it was that Gavin decided that yes,
having thought it through, maybe he was ready for a serious commitment
and yes, perhaps they ought to live together.

"Here of course, " said Alice hastily, she didn't want to leave her
lovely home. Not now she was getting so much out of home
improvement.

One day at work, when her assistant, (who had previously been her
manager) was handing her a report, Alice began to feel that small ants
were crawling over her arms and legs. This feeling grew more and more
intense, until she had to go to the bathroom and run cold water over
her bare arms. She had no idea what was causing this.

It wasn't until she got home and found that Gavin had, as agreed, began
moving his stuff into the house that she had an inkling. The insects
continued to crawl and nip as she frantically skimmed the book.

The stereo! That was it, the stereo he had brought in had bad Feng Shui
- it was causing her to be tormented by invisible insects. It had to
go.

She broke this to Gavin gently; who did not take it well. He was
extremely keen on music and this was a particularly fine stereo. Alice
agreed to go out and buy one for him that would suit the house better.
Gavin wasn't entirely happy with this, until Alice rehung the silver
mirror in the hallway.

When buying the stereo, Alice also bought an elegant slim cream vase,
which would make Gavin faster and more skilful on the football pitch.
She felt that she owed him something in return. A month later, she
bought a set of three small wooden bowls which the book said would
"enhance your partner's exercise regime and produce splendid abdominal
muscles with little effort. "

She had to smile when she caught Gavin lifting his shirt in the hallway
to look at his six-pack in the mirror.

"You know, " he said, as he flexed, "I've never liked this mirror. It's
daft, but it seems to scowl at me as I go past it every day. "

"I'll take it down, " she said, feeling guilty for all of the minor
arguments she had won by Feng Shui, rather than on their merits.

The mirror came down and went back up the day Gavin said to her, "I
think we'll need a bigger place when we have kids. "

She spent more and more time with the book and her minor adjustments.
The oddest thing was, the book always had more suggestions. The
"Before" photographs kept updating to the rooms as they were, with
Gavin's presence hinted at, with bottles of Becks and copies of FHM and
Empire on the coffee table.

Alice decided that as the book had brought her so much success, it
would be nice to take her mother away for a few days to thank her
properly. Gavin grumbled, but was unable to win the argument, or
sustain his bad mood for long.

When Alice got back, laden down with shopping bags, things the house
needed, her footsteps made an odd noise as she walked through the hall,
a sort of crunching noise like walking on two-hour old snow.

She also couldn't help but notice the trestle table and a yellow bucket
filled with thick frogspawnish wallpaper paste. Alice started to panic,
had Gavin done anything stupid while she'd been away? Still, it would
soon be fixed. She could talk him round.

The birthday book was in front of her as she got to the door to the
living room, open at the page about the mirror and she could see that
the pages of the book had been marked with yellow Post-it notes, with
Gavin's neat precise writing on them. Now she knew that the crunching
noise had been little pieces of broken glass.

Gavin opened the door, wearing overalls and with paintbrush in his
hand, "Hello Alice, " he said, "I've been giving the house a new look.
"