Intoxicated Bliss

Its Dec'2002 I've been in love with her for almost ten months now,
although I never really accepted it as a mere crush for the first four
months or so. I remember the way that I sang "words" for her while
performing a truth and dare feat. She took it only as a game and I took
it as an attempt to distract myself from her, just to feel satisifed
that there was my crush, I had my bit of fun and now lets get over with
it. I thought it was over, it was March'2002.

Its chilly December now and I've just come back from the land of fun n
love-Goa, after a short 4 day trip, and would you believe it, I was
there with her. Just she and me. Although the trip wasn't a romantic
one, but it has shaped my life and the night before yesterday will
forever stay etched in my mind...Here's what happened.

Its 0300hrs and we are both back after a sumptuous dinner and a heavy
round of eight to ten beers on the trot, I just didn't know where I
was. We then followed it up with some desserts and boy, was I dying to
get back to the hotel and hit the sack? It was just that It happened to
be an invitation from ex-boss (who's a very close friend now) and I
couldn't escape.

The cool breeze blowing across the Bagah beach filled me with an
inexplicable wave of passion. I felt so handicapped that the woman that
I love the most is right next to me and has been with me all night, in
fact since last two nights and I haven't managed to express my undying
love for her, I haven't made her feel in the slightest way how
desperately I need her. Oh boy will I ever manage to tell her how I
feel, I'm sure she knows but I can't expect her to make a move. She's
given me strong signals in the last couple of months that she likes me,
but how can I be sure that she feels the same way for me that I need
her to.
It was only great fortune that she decided to accompany me on this trip
as I was supposed to go alone so I can unwind myself from my hectic
work schedule and more importantly diver my mind of her.
Strange???

I could literally feel the excruciating pain in my heart that I may
never be with her once we are back from the trip. Help Me!! Anyway, we
bid adieu to all and headed for our hotel room. I hit my bed right away
and she went for a quick shower. She doesn't drink, so she had the
strength, I was sapped. I dozed off.
I don't remember how long it had been when I turned on my bed and found
the lights off and as we did for the last two nights, we were sleeping
at a distance of more than two feet.
However, I suddenly found her inch closer towards me and move her hands
around my hair and then she innocently asked me, "have you ever been in
love?". If I was in my senses, I would've probably eyed this as an
opportunity and yet made a mess. Now here I was intoxicated and
oblivious to everything around me. Somewhere within me came a voice and
travelled to my lips, "Yes Donna. I have been in love, in fact I am in
deep love right now. I don't know if the person that I love knows or
not, although I feel she does. And its painful but so sweet."
The next thing I knew was that I was in her embrace and my lips were
merged with hers. And which side of the bed did I land after that is
still a mystery to me. And then she let go off me all of a sudden. It
felt like we kissed for a long time, I guess it was just a few seconds
maybe milliseconds."what we did right now wasn't right" said she. "What
if the girl you love so much happened to walk in at this moment and see
us embraced in a kiss".
Glory dawned, there was brightness everywhere, the intoxication of the
ten beers was wiped away. I was now in a trance, one that you love
being in, even if you are a teetotaller. "Dosn't matter. The girl i
love the most is you." I mumbled. "It's you Donna. I have always loved
you and I'm sure that no one can love you as much as I do. You are the
most important person in my life. I can do just about anything for you.
And I think I've done a few things already. I dont' expect anything
from you, I just wanted you to know..."

The next morning I can barely remember the events of last night,
especially after I said "I just wanted you to know...". We both
pretended all day as if nothing had happened. We took a long ride to
Fort Aguada, she was riding the bike as that's what she loves doing the
most.

We took an evening bus to Mumbai and in the bus we cuddled, hugged,
kissed and felt like absolute lovers all the way. I was on cloud nine,
my life has changed, I was euphoric, ecstatic...thanks God, thanks
everyone...This was enigma, short-lived and things were going to change
but soon.....

We reached Mumbai the next morning, went our ways and had no
communication between us for another twenty-four hours or so. I missed
her terribly, I really missed her, but on her instructions, I couldn't
call her. Then the next morning she called, my heart pounding, I picked
up the phone. I wanted to talk a lot more, she didn't feel the same. I
begged and pleaded and asked her to meet me. "I have only an hour
before I reach home" is all she said.

It took me a good forty-five minutes to reach where she was and we
could only manage a ten minute walk and a two minute talk. All she said
was "I'm going back to Goa for a few days with my friends". My
heartbeat stopped and I thought it was wiser to stay mum. While parting
our ways, I said "I'll miss you". "Why should you?", she said plainly
and walked away without looking back.

It's been two months now and we've never spoken about those days. We
see each other everyday and walk from work to the railway station
together. I don't know if'll ever get to hold her hand, hug her and
kiss her passionately...she doesn't seem to be bothered at al...should
I go ahead and ask her?, I'm scared it may put her off and I'll never
get to see her again. I can atleast see her, talk to her everyday now,
my asking her may stop that completely..Doesn't matter what happens
from hereon, one things for sure, "I will love you forever Donna, even
if you don't. I thank you for those precious moments."