Life According to the Dustman

The grass is always greener on the other side. Until you jump over
the fence then it becomes more like a champagne stain: smells nice and
all but it's all just bubbles. I was bored, wallowing in self-pity at
my unspectacular social status; I wanted more. I wanted intellect, nice
meals, good clothes and to be looked after. Doesn't everyone? So I got
it, and I lived it. And it gave me hives. All I did was sit around vast
tables and smile politely at the patronising hostess and feeling like a
performing seal. 'Oh, say that again dear, your Midlands accent is
terribly jolly'. I felt like sitting there and balancing a delicately
sliced crunchy carrot on my top lip (they're much nicer steamed don't
you know). A night out involved tottering on four inch heels wearing
modest and, most disgustingly pink tops. Why was I doing this? Was I
mad? I didn't know anything about this world. My take on politics ends
with being able to spell the word and if the PM smiles any wider he'll
drop another sprog through that thing - no, I wasn't referring to his
wife, you heathens. So here I was, your average middle-working class
lassie trying to be posh. It wasn't working. I wanted funny coloured
hair - not that it wasn't already, curse on the man who invented
ginger-nuts - I wanted disturbing clothes that were eight sizes too big
for me and I wanted far too many pointless extra holes punched around
my body for no reason at all. I wanted to make my own mistakes and not
have someone avoid them on my behalf. So I vacated the champagne
flooded garden and nimbly popped back over my lovely fence.

Home and dry I soon realised what I really wanted. I wanted a field to
run in, a dog to run with and no more sodding champagne! I wanted the
creature comforts of empty chocolate wrappers stuffed under my bed and
my clothes strewn across the bedroom floor. I may not have status, or
be able to predict the downfall of the Euro, or say when the sun will
shine. But my life is good, I am happy. I've plugged the leaks and
guess what?

My grass is green again.