The Cuba Experience

The Cuba Experience - November 2002

Day One

Things didn't start off fantastically well, as the flight was delayed
at the last minute and we spent an hour sitting on the runway! I was
beginning to regret turning down the opportunity to sit in the smoking
area, but was quite content to watch those around me fretting
instead.

They announced that the delay was due to the plane being overweight,
much to the horror of the obese woman who was sat a few rows ahead of
me. Fortunately for her, she was allowed to stay on board, but for some
bizarre reason insisted on sitting on an armrest for most of the
10-hour journey! Very odd! I hoped she wouldn't be on the same package
deal as me, but knew deep down that she would be because that's what
always seems to happen?

We eventually arrived at Holguin airport, went through the usual
check-in rigmarole, and went to locate the rep. It was all very
efficient, and I was soon on my transfer bus. Of course Fat Woman was
already on it tucking into a packet of crisps. Still, there would be a
number of stop-offs, so I was sure that my worst fears would not be
realised. Who was I tying to kid ??!!

Anyway, it turned out that virtually everyone on the bus was staying at
Club Amigo -- apart from the two most attractive girls in the party.
This was a bit of a shame, as I very much doubted that I had much in
common with anyone in the group - except for being on the same holiday
and possibly being a member of the human race.

Upon arrival at Club Amigo we were all tagged with a red bracelet that
would have to be worn at all times. This seemed a bit over the top at
first, but it soon became apparent that this sort of measure was
necessary to prevent the locals using the facilities and
begging/stealing from the tourists. Uniformed security staff patrolled
the resort 24 hours a day!!

However, when I was shown to my "villa" I was very impressed - it was
absolute luxury - a huge bed, remote controlled air conditioning,
excellent washing facilities, and even a television! I actually felt
quite guilty given the state of the Cuban "houses" we'd passed on the
road to Guardalavaca, but after such a long journey I didn't lose much
sleep about it?.

Day Two

Dear diary, I appear to have come under attack from killer ants, so
must take a break? I'm now at the second of Amigo's three pools which
is much busier but fortunately ant-free. However, another pest is
present here in the form of those swimming pool addicts - the
Germans!

They actually have a bar IN the pool here, which I thought was very
modern! Even better is the fact that all the drinks are free until
11pm. This is also quite dangerous as I'm on my fourth 'Cristal'
already and its only just gone 2pm? Fortunately I've arranged a few
excursions, which will keep me away from the dreaded loopy juice for a
while - A day trip to Holguin and the Ocean Paradise catamaran.

8.30pm

I have to take it easy tonight after managing to get sunburnt on the
first day. Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun apparently.
Fortunately 'Scarface' is on telly which is a great result. Its just
nice being away from all the usual bullshit back home.

Day Three

Up at 8am for the Holguin trip. I went to try out the buffet breakfast,
which was standard fare - some dodgy looking sausage meat and a boiled
egg followed by some cereal. I exercised caution, as I didn't fancy an
attack of the shits on the coach!

It was an interesting day out. First point (or points) of note was a
couple of hills that were apparently called "Queen Elizabeth's breasts"
- sadly I failed to get a photo of them. Next was a tour of the cigar
factory in Holguin. I bought a box of 25 Monte Cristo's which left me
with $1 for the rest of the day. Whoops!

Apparently working at the cigar factory was one of the better jobs you
could have in Cuba, although it didn't look like it to me. I couldn't
help feeling embarrassed as we walked around the place watching the
poor buggers at work for their pitiful $7 a week wage.

From there, we went onto the ceramics factory where I first realised
that we had an annoying American woman in out midst, and SO patronising
to everyone she spoke to!

We stopped off for lunch afterwards where I got chatting to a couple
from Reigate who seemed very pleasant. Unfortunately, only one drink
came free with the meal, and I was dying of thirst. I'd given my last
dollar to a beggar so I had to ask the local rep Maurice to buy me a
drink, which was very embarrassing.

After a very pleasant lunch (accompanied by a live local singing/dance
act) we headed for Holguin city centre. We were only given 45 minutes
to ourselves, so I opted to sit in the central park and watch the world
go by. A local guy offering me cocaine and marijuana almost immediately
approached me. I was suddenly delighted to be skint!

Anyway, all the 'natives' I met were very friendly, and all seemed to
think I was a great friend of Michael Owen and David Beckham for some
reason! The reps were also very good - the girl looked just like that
bird from "Two pints of lagers and a packet of crisps", whilst Maurice
was very interesting to talk to.

(At this point my biro starts packing up and I have to snap it in anger
- so much for the holiday chilling me out then !!)

Upon my return to Club Amigo I headed for the Internet caf?, which was
very sad I know. "Hawking Gets It In The Ear" are still in the
relegation zone, but at least Sutton progressed in the FA Trophy. I
left a sarcastic message from 'Cuba' on the amberpla.net message board,
which was very sad indeed.

After 30 minutes on the web (?2.50) I thought that I'd start laying
into the free booze at the lobby bar. Here I got to meet the resident
nutter from Canada who came to be known as 'Ned Flanders'. How come I
always end up chatting to the loonies ?! He looked at me as if I was a
psycho when I told him I'd come to Cuba on my own, before proceeding to
tell me he was on vacation with his mother!! Apparently he'd been
shagging non-stop since he'd arrived, which seemed highly unlikely
unless money was involved.

Sean, whom I met at the beach bar, verified my suspicions later. We got
absolutely hammered there and back at the lobby bar. Sean was from
Wycombe, and seemed nice enough. However, after a few drinks he started
telling me how his mother had died when he was 16, and how his father
had sexually abused him. I did my best to counsel him, but the poor sod
ended up in tears. I was beginning to feel as if I was back at home,
but at least Sean had something a bit more substantial to whinge about
than those self-pitying freaks.

We ended the evening chatting to some American guy and I went on a
drunken rant about the 'fucking Yanks' and why they shouldn't be
allowed to set foot in Cuba. At least it dragged Sean out of his
depression, as he became more concerned about us having our heads
kicked in!

Day Four

I woke up on Tuesday feeling extremely groggy, and wasn't able to get
out of bed until the maid banged on my door for the third time at
1.30pm. I went straight for lunch and then went to laze on the beach
for a few hours. I'm now looking forward to the cruise tomorrow, so
will try not to have a repeat of last night?..

Day Five (this is beginning to sound like bloody Big Brother)

Had a quick breakfast then headed for the marina and the Catamaran
"Ocean Paradise". It was pretty amazing - I did a bit of
snorkelling/sea-drinking, and spent the rest of the time chilling on
the deck. Actually, "chilling" is probably the wrong word as I'm
writing this suffering from severe sunburn!! Ouch. Anyway, it has to be
done - that's what holidays are for!

We anchored at 1pm and hopped on a speedboat that took us to shore for
lunch - very modern! I got chatting to Colin from Harpenden. Enough
said!

After lunch (chicken and rice) we headed slowly back to the marina, and
I persuaded the crew to put on my Kruder &; Dorfmeister CD briefly.
They weren't very impressed, so put "Alice, Alice, who the fuck is
Alice?" back on for the fifth time instead.

8:00pm

I got back to the resort for dinner and a couple of beers when the
sunstroke set in. So I had to have a quiet night in watching "Carrie"
which was pretty fucked up. I'd forgotten that John Travolta was in it
though.

Day Six

Got up at midday still feeling the after-effects of yesterday's sun
abuse. I decided that a day out of the sun was in order, so after
settling up with Miguel for the money I owed him, I spent the afternoon
with a couple of Austrians and Sean who was leaving later on that day.
I was absolutely hammered by about 8pm , so I went for dinner and then
headed back to the villa to collapse.

Day Seven

Shock horror! I woke up today and there was no sun! Today I'm off to
the aquarium for the much-hyped "swimming with dolphins" bonanza. My
sunburn has subsided somewhat now, and I'm hoping to top up the tan
before we head off to Havana on Monday morning.

The dolphins were amazing. They'd been trained to kiss us - although
one of them gave my nose a bit of a hammering by mistake (or was it?).
They also enjoyed being stroked and cuddled which was very sweet. The
highlight though was when two dolphins sent me flying through the air
by swimming underneath me! I even have the photos to prove it!

I met a very pleasant Dutch couple at the Aquarium who were very
friendly, although Mario had a really bad stutter. We went for lunch
afterwards. His girlfriend was quite fit.

It was still quite cloudy so I went for a walk along the beach in the
afternoon before meeting up with the Brits in the evening. I don't
think they like Londoners. Some of them were OK - I ended up sat next
to "Fat Woman" which conquered a few demons. I found it difficult
looking her in the eye though, knowing what I'd written about her.
Apparently she was a big (excuse pun) fan of Caesars in Streatham. When
she asked me if I'd been there, I replied "oh no" in very stuck-up
manner which didn't impress at all. The Scottish and Irish couples
seemed OK though, as did the Brummies who reminded me of Massimo and
Hannah for no particular reason.

Day Eight

I had a lie-in on Saturday, and after lunch I had a lazy afternoon on
the beach listening to LTJ Bukem. I managed to give away a T-shirt and
a few beers to some of the locals who seemed to appreciate the gesture.
Not long to go now until Havana, which I'm really looking forward
to.

I went down to the beach bar in the evening and got chatting to a few
locals as I'd had enough of the lobby bar. It was very pleasant - right
next to the sea under the stars but I regretted not going to Club Rocca
afterwards as it was supposed to be brilliant.

Day Nine

Today is my last day in Guardalavaca. I got up quite late before
heading for the beach where I finished reading Ian Banks' "Dead Air"
which was quite enjoyable. I went back to the resort a little later and
sat by the pool for a while, and did a bit of swimming. I've started to
peel quite badly now.

I met up with the Brits again and drunk steadily before and after
dinner. When I came back from the Internet caf? they were all
skinny-dipping in the pool! I declined to join them, but got a great
view of Kate's boobs. Thankfully, moments later, a member of staff told
them off, and the overt Brits abroad display was over (Thank fuck!). I
wasn't embarrassed at the skinny-dipping - more at the lack of respect
for our hosts - as indeed I told anyone who was willing to listen.
Anyway time for bed because it's a 6am start tomorrow. Havana here I
come??..

Day Ten

Up at 6am this morning. I finished packing and scoffed down a quick
breakfast. The flight to Havana was quite terrifying. When the plane
took off, the whole cabin filled with smoke coming up from the floor!!
Thankfully we landed an hour later all in one piece, although my head
was in bits.

The Old Man &; The Sea is a bit of a culture shock after the
luxurious facilities at Club. Still, there is more to do in Havana, so
I doubt I'll be spending too much time at the resort.

I took the shuttle bus into Havana with Colin and did a bit of
exploring. We found a decent place to eat thanks to the Time Out guide,
and also tried a few bars. There was quite a bit of hassle, (as
expected), from prostitutes, cigar-sellers and 'jockeys'. Colin was
particularly peeved when he was accused of being my father! But it all
added to the experience and nobody was too aggressive. We got the 11pm
bus back to the hotel that took about 20 minutes. I'm really looking
forward to a lie-in tomorrow now.

Day Eleven

Got up for breakfast, and found that everyone was moaning about the
accommodation. We went out to the dodgy-looking pool that harboured
cockroaches - both dead and alive! Fortunately, we were allowed access
to another pool, and that was far more pleasant.

I swam and lazed around until 2pm when we went on a coach tour of
Havana. It was interesting, although it was a bit difficult to
understand the guide.

I was very embarrassed when we got to one of Hemingway's favourite
haunts and stopped for a drink. The Brits I was with started moaning
about being hungry and the tour going on too long! Most of them didn't
even have a clue who Hemingway was - and we were staying in the "The
Old Man and The Sea" on Marina Hemingway for fuck's sake!!

One of them went off in search of food, and came back with an armful of
dodgy looking crisps. I was cringing as they stuffed their faces,
whilst the rest of the party looked on in horror.

Anyway, the rest of the evening was very pleasant drinking in some good
locations with amazing views. We also got to experience a bus ride home
Cuban-style as we crammed onto the shuttle with a load of Guatemalan
marine-biologists.

Day Twelve

I awoke to a cloudy day having missed breakfast by hours, so I grabbed
some crisps from the local supermarket to compensate. I went to get the
3pm bus into town, and was gutted when joined by the rest of the
British mob. The drive into Havana was particularly enjoyable, as the
windy weather sent huge waves crashing onto the road as we drove along!
It all looked very impressive/dangerous, but unfortunately I was unable
to take a picture. Bugger.

I went off on my own for a while, and visited the Modern Art Museum and
a small photographic gallery.

After a bit more wandering, I bumped into the mob and we went for a few
more drinks before catching the 6pm shuttle back to base.

In the evening we went to the highly recommended "La Fiesta" restaurant
on the marina. Unfortunately it proved to be somewhat of a disaster.
After about half an hour, it became apparent that they'd run out of
steak and wine, plus the stereo system was broken.

This is Cuba, so I wasn't going to kick up a fuss. Unfortunately the
rest of them had other ideas and had a right old whinge. It was very
embarrassing indeed - they even complained that the staff couldn't
speak proper English!

We went to a nearby Cuban bar afterwards where we ploughed through a
couple of bottles of rum. Sweet liquor eases the pain! It was quite a
lively evening, and I got to bed at about 2am.

Day Thirteen

I managed to get up for breakfast and had a great Spanish omlette. I
watched an appalling film on TV, and then caught the 11am bus into
town. Fortunately the others didn't join me this time.

I had a fascinating day. After taking a look around the castle and
cathedral, I bumped into Rogelio. Rogelio is a higher-class 'junitero',
it would appear, making extra cash by selling cigars, T-shirts, etc. to
tourists. He also did quite well out of me!

Anyway, he showed me around a lot of the city, and we went for a few
mohitos in some good bars. His English was quite good as he'd been
taught by a friend who we met later. We went back to his girlfriend's
"house" and shared a joint, although I found it slightly bizarre that
he smoked it up his nose! In the meantime, people came and went,
picking up more cigars and T-shirts from him to sell. It looked like
I'd met the Havana version of Derek Trotter.

I gave him ten dollars for his trouble, on top of the drinks, so I
imagine he did quite well out of me, but it was definitely worth it for
the whole mad experience. It was afterwards when I fucked up by
accidentally tipping a toilet attendant $5 instead of $1. Oh well, only
one day to go now.

Final Day

I got up at 8:15 and headed down to breakfast where I promptly shat
myself! Nightmare! I think I managed to get back to my room without
anyone noticing, but it wasn't a very pleasant start to my final
day.

I spent the rest of the day by the pool in an attempt to get as burnt
as possible before going home. It was a very relaxing end to the
holiday, and I managed to give away my shitty shorts to a local who was
absolutely delighted and insisted on swapping email addresses!

So that was Cuba. An amazing couple of weeks and a fantastic experience
that I'll never forget. Just don't go on a package tour unless you have
the patience of a saint!