Dreaming - July 09 2002

I woke up at 5.50am this morning, for some reason I was crying. I
couldnt work out why. I had some really strange dreams. In one of them
I had a massive argument with my former boss who was trying to be
reasonable about some hideous task that we had to do at work but I
didn't want to have anything to do with it. And I also dreamt of ...
there was this barrier always there and I couldnt reach ... although
they were there and I was there in the same place, something separated
us. Another part was being chased constantly through a cyberspace
landscape and having to wear the right clothes at the right time in
case I fell from favour. And being under attack by strange alien ships
that swooped down destroying everything in their path.

I woke up ysterday (08) about 6.15am and did the usual things like
feeding the cats and having breakfast which in my case is coffee and
many cigarettes. I got the train to work and I just sat there thinking
for a while. Looking out of my window just watching the world go
by.

I went to work and continued working on testing this new app which I
tried on Friday to do but failed as I had been drinking. My boss made a
few comments about Friday. He spent a long time trying to get Remote
Access working on the laptop and I asked if the blue screen autocheck
was part of the installation process, and he said no it wasnt.

At lunchtime I posted my cheque for the Reading tickets and also some
stuff for ... and then I rang them, just as I was outside Austin Reeds
because I wanted to and it was good to talk to them.

I bought my usual panini and latte in Starbucks which I cannot afford.
In fact I cannot afford really anything at the moment but the inner
drive inside me insists. I can see the long grass which I must cut in
the garden and the tree that hides the shed. And quite early a small
fox, no more than a year old I suppose, wandering about.

I got the same train home I usually do and read Nine Princes which I
have almost finished. I didnt use the laptop even though I charged the
batteries yesterday. I guess if I did I would write something.

I got as far as my Mum &; Dads and see my wife coming down the road,
and we go over there and see my sister and little niece. Then we go
home and I go online. I stop in chat for a while and then I talk to ...
for a long time. We ride the range and it is like the Big Country for a
while.

Some songs remind me of people and some songs remind me of people I
used to know and love. In fact when I woke up this morning one song
stuck in my head and I was trying to figure out who it was by, and then
I realised that I had written it, which made it worse. Or better
depending I suppose on how you look at things.

The rain pours down outside, dripping from the leaves on the trees. I
see myself reflected in the rain. My emotions dripping like water to
the ground. Because I have feelings and although I try to hide those
feelings sometimes they well up inside and I am building sandbags
furiously to try to keep the reservoir from over flowing. I cannot be
in two places at the same time although I may want to be.

One thing I have found is that when I am talking to someone I dont try
to talk to everyone else, I can't do this, I end up becoming
confused.

It is little things that confuse me like how to say good night. There
is obviously a way to do this. And i think if you say good night to
someone in some way the same way and then you dont, does the other
person wonder why you didn't or do they think about it while they lie
awake for an hour, wondering if they said something wrong. So I think
if you always say good night with a kiss then you should make the point
of doing this every night, unless that person is asleep or away. You
can picture two people on the station platform and one of them gets on
the train, and they lean out of the window but instead of their friend
on the platform kissing them good bye, they wave and turn away and the
train pulls out of the station and the one on the train is still
leaning out of the window looking back at the person on the platform.
And then they shut the window and sit down and stare into space for a
while. And I dont want to be that person on the train. I want to stay
on the platform with my friend. Maybe wait for the next train and hold
their hand for a while.

We would sit together and think of colours. Maybe for hours, watching
the trains come in and pull out. Or at least for a while while the rain
falls down.

There are people I care about and people I am very fond of and
sometimes they are the same person. And I would do anything even sleep
out in the rain if they said thats the way its got to be.

But life is not always like the films. It doesnt always happen the way
you expect and since nobody can predict the future I shall have to see
I guess.