Earwig

"So we got back in the lunar module and all the sandwiches had
gone"

"It was at that point my husband told her to get a job and that the
likes of her were ruining this country - Queen or no Queen!"

"He said we need economic experts to tell us how unpredictable the
markets are."

"She asked me if we call them 'biscuits' or 'cookies'. I explained that
in Germany we have our own language"

"My postman had a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend who got
his baggage first off the carousel but I think he was lying"

"He said it was 'historically inevitable'. I said that was vulgar
Marxism and could he try and use his potty next time"

"Me and the wife are taking the caravan down to Dorset this year"

"Why can't you stop bloody swearing!"

"I'm a die-hard Man U supporter - I used to support Liverpool but then
they started losing"

"The landlady said it was in a disgusting state and that she wouldn't
let her cat vomit in it. But it was a nice area so we took it
anyway"

"I asked if it would make it through into the Millennium. He said it
would pack up a year before. The pedant!"

"I told him I wouldn't stand for it whether he liked it or not. Then,
when I woke up in a pool of my own blood..."

"I love the lottery - I mean there's the feelgood factor and we need
the real tennis courts don't we?"

"Now I'm not a ... but ..."

"He said 'is he a snappy dresser?' I said 'no, he is heterosexual after
all!'"

"He said...'why can't they speak the language of the majority of people
in the world?'. I said 'I'm not learning Mandarin Chinese for
anyone!'"

"I said 'Over my dead body do we join Europe!' So imagine my horror
when she said 'Dad, we live in Europe!'"

"We love the hounds - that's why we'd have to kill them all if we
couldn't hunt foxes anymore"

"Bring back the birch and capital punishment. Castrate them! Young
offenders! Where do they get the aggression from?"

"He's clearly an example of being in the right wing at the right
time"

"I've got very Catholic tastes in music. From Frank Sinatra to the
Wolfe Tones"

"I was determined to drive drugs out of the neighbourhood so I burnt
down the corner shop, then the pub"

"No, I said pneumonultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!"

"I said you're down on me cos I'm a Catholic and you've been brought up
to hate me. He said 'But I am the Pope'"

"When she died. Yes we all felt like we'd lost a friend. We didn't buy
any newspapers for the day and started a ringbinder of condolence"