Eighty one lives + nine =

81 lives + 9 =

"This is Lou Lou and this little lady is Nicey and over here is her
sister Soxxy the white paws you see in fact all three are sisters but
Lou Lou is from a later litter their mother was Baba, a car got her two
years ago, and now over here we have Felix or Fiexxy named for obvious
reasons his mother Madeleine or Maddy also died last year tragic, now
this little chap here is the spitting image of his mother his name is
Squeaky and as I'm sure you can guess his Mother is Nicey"

O'Halloran looked nonplussed, for some reason his latest client/victim
an elderly widow Mrs Mercanti felt obliged to introduce him to all her
cats, at this moment Five of them sat scowling at him, he sneered back
when the old lady wasn't looking.

"Well now that you mention it he is the spitting image of his mother
Mrs Mercanti" He replied jovially

"I take it you like cats Mr o'Halloran?"

"Indeed I do indeed I do Mrs Mercanti, I grew up on farms so I know the
merits of our little Feline friends here"

"Oh that's so wonderful to hear, yet they get such horrible things said
about them, and really they're such wonderful companions"

"Wonderful all-round Mrs Mercanti workers, entertainers, scamps and if
I may say when you do have a bereavement they are a wonderful comfort
when you're lonely"

"How true how true I must fetch you some Tea? Mr O'Halloran is Tea fine
with you?"

"Tea would hit the spot just fine Mrs Mercanti me throat is as dry as
the Sahara, and please, please call me Michael I feel as if we're
kindred spirits already Mrs Mercanti"

" Oh very well in that case you must call me Emily, I'll fetch the tea
then you can explain about the job I need doing so urgently.........
Michael" giggling she tottered off into the hall.

As soon as she left, O'Halloran all 17 stone of him slumped into the
nearest chair causing Lou Lou the petite little Tortoise shell to
evacuate or risk being crushed, grinning ear to ear he surveyed the
treasure laden living room of Mrs Mercanti, porcelain, silver and
paintings oh about 15 Grand and this was just the living room.

"Jackpot Mickey me old boy you've just went and hit the bloody jackpot"
he laughed to himself smugly "Hope I don't have to croak the old dame
hope she's a good girl and behaves" He noticed that all five cats were
still scowling at him, now appearing as if they were weighing him
up.

"I'm the big cat now my little friends I'm the cat with cream on his
whiskers" He made a gesture to lunge at one which caused all to
disperse to all corners of the room terrified, in reality cats were
cowards no more than designer rats, vermin to O'Halloran.

"I think know a Chinaman who's keen to rekindle a taste for a delicacy
he had to leave behind long ago, you'll perk up his ears I've no doubt
my little Furry friends" He smiled, their scowls turned to
hatred.

Mrs Mercanti returned with tea and cakes on a tray of silver probably
worth a total of about a Grand in o'Hallorans eyes. Behind strolled
four more cats.

"Jesus Wept"

"Mr o'Halloran, are you alright?"

"Mrs Mercanti, I do humbly apologise, I was just a little shocked to
see more of your little chums, and so you have nine cats?"

"Yes you haven't met these they're always very rude when I have
visitors, I always have to drag them into to say hello"

All nine cats glowered from a distance, regarding o'Halloran as they
would a crazy Alsatian. Emily introduced Butch, Oliver, Tilley and the
rather haggard and old motley Tabster who was a black and white senior
version of Felix.

" I hate to be rude Mr o'Halloran but Tabster was actually named Tabby
by his previous owners, an Irish family who didn't realise A Tabby is
actually a breed of cat, of course when he arrived here he demanded a
name change, out of respect to his previous owners I modified it only
slightly"

O'Halloran raised an eyebrow "Jesus" he whispered under his breath
"Well I hope he's happy now. The Irish Mrs Mer... Emily are a law to
them selves, so you can't insult me because the Irish are also their
own worst critics" He noticed the old cat almost smiling at him "Well
at least he seems to like me Mrs Mercanti" he said laughing "I can't
say the same for the rest though" he'd have to find Choi-Lings
Telephone number.

"Oh Michael they'll love you when they see what you have planned for
the garden"

Good the first name thing was beginning to get easier on their tongues
now; victims were easier when they relaxed.

"The Garden glad you mentioned that Emily, because that's why I'm
here... now I wonder if could make a request, please say no if it's too
much of an intrusion"

"No please I insist Michael"

"Well Emily wouldn't you agree that one of the nicest things first call
in the morning is to look out of your bedroom window and take in the
visual joy of a beautifully well kept garden, Mother Nature working
with man so to speak"

She began to sniffle, and look ashamedly at o'Halloran.

"Oh Mr o'Halloran I'm so angry with myself but ever since Carlo died I
haven't been able to set foot out there, it just brings back so many
memories good and bad it leaves one mentally confused"

He put his big dangerous lazy arm around her to console her.

"There, there now Emily, I understand really I do, but Emily think of
it like this if I know Carlo and I think I do already he wouldn't want
you to remember the bad times, he'd want you to be happy and remember
only the good times, I think we can do that by bringing both sides of
your garden back into tip-top shape. What do you think? He smiled his
most engaging Irish smile.

She looked deep into his deep dreamy Irish green eyes and remembered
those eyes from sixty years ago when they belonged to an Italian waiter
working in the Savoy, 19 years old smiling at her like a David.

"Yes Michael, that sounds so beautiful"

"I'm glad really I am but I need your permission to see that view, I
need to take in that breathtaking view that you see every morning if
I'm going to do Carlo justice, to landscape your gardens properly I
need to pop upstairs and breath in that country goodness it will
inspire me to greatness, Carlo will be looking down proud as
punch."

"By all means Michael, but how much is it going to cost?"

"I'll tell you one thing, you won't believe it when I tell you" And he
smiled that smile again winking at her.

"Oh you're wonderful Michael"

"Now lets get that Tea and those lovely buns down our necks"

Half an hour later rubbing his Boxer hands O'Halloran's big Neanderthal
frame strode down the garden path, chuckling to him self the wares
upstairs had heightened his mood.

"Michael me boy there's about 80 Grand lying in there just waiting on a
guy like me, pity Harry will only give me about 15 but after all 15
grand is 15 grand"

On a fence Lou Lou the Tortoise shell glared in defiance.

"Hope you like fried rice and noodles moggie, shame if you don't
because bits of you will be spending time getting to know each other
pretty soon. Jesus I'm still talking to the fucking cats, now I'm as
mad as her."

He flicked open his mobile and dialled the East end.

"Harry, Harry is that you old miser, happy days son, do you want the
good news or the even better news?"

Two days later O'Halloran was in a less than jovial mood, Harry his
fence had told him " Sure I'll pay you 15 large just make sure it's the
crown jewels you're nicking Mick" and down went the receiver at the
other end, O'Halloran bristled if that scrawny little rat wasn't
connected then Michael would have removed his lungs long ago, 5 grand
was offered provisionally was it worth it? His mobile rang.

"Hello is that you Harry?" He grumbled.

"I beg your pardon is that you Michael?"

"Oh Mrs Mercanti, Emily, I do apologise I was just expecting another
client, what can I do for you?"

"Well I just thought I better let you know I'll be out of town for a
few days I'll be leaving at noon today, just in case you tried to
contact me"

"That's Fine Emily, you ring when you get back and take care now, oh
and I need to show you some of my ideas"

Perfect good news, dark moonless an empty house tonight, even emptier
by Dawn. The mobile phone tossed into a nearby field, no need for that
now, so off back to "The Scalded Pig" his Pub digs for a big lunch
followed by a mid-afternoon siesta so he could be ready the night of
work a head.

He woke refreshed and ready for action early evening, he made a quick
call on the landlords own phone to the Mercanti residence just to make
sure all was clear, jobs didn't come easier than this, no answer good.
He'd forgotten dispensing with the mobile in the afternoon he'd done so
because he didn't want the old girl ringing him up all the time after
the job, funny thing he couldn't recall giving her the number in the
first place, but maybe he'd let it slip during his cosy little
introduction.

He waited until just before midnight, really he'd wanted to be well
gone by now but those bloody cats would be there and the old girl
wouldn't leave them unattended for two whole days, so there was a faint
possibility of running into an enlisted neighbour feeding the damn
things, the house was big and isolated set back, tall hedges hiding it
from the road, so he could park his van right next to the front door
without much chance of detection, O'Halloran Specialist Gardener was
emblazoned crudely on the side next week it might say Toohey or O'Shea
he hadn't decided yet.

Walking stealthily around the back, listening for unwanted sounds
o'Halloran began to feel unnerved too dark too silent too easy, but
then the nerves were good it kept him primed apathy had been his
downfall in the past. He tried the backdoor people in this part of the
country were too trusting and voila he was right, into the kitchen, the
door was unlocked, stepping forward his nerves were now diminishing no
longer a coiled spring his mind for work began to tick, placing the
several holdalls on a table, he turned to look for a light switch in
the cavernous kitchen, he may as well start here as good as any
place.

"A bit late for Gardening Michael isn't it?" giggled a girlish
voice

"Christ on a bike" He turned in the darkness fists clenched ready to
bop, trying to home in on the voice, a familiar but strangely different
voice.

Rule no5 of "The Conman's Handbook": "If a con is too good to be true,
it isn't. Run".

The Introduction was much more thorough this time from Mrs Mercanti,
Michael she felt would need to know a little more about his new chums
and she needed to be a bit more truthful this time.

Lou Lou the Tortoise shell was actually a Miss Louise Charvet a French
trollop who'd tried to seduce Carlo whilst they were on holiday in Nice
back in 1968.

Nicey and Squeaky two bland black cats were in fact the sister-in-law
and nephew Nicoletta and Savio who were just a bit too greedy in their
inheritance claims on their brother and Uncle's estate, Savio squealed
when he saw his Mother transform but Mr's Mercanti couldn't call him
Squeals could she?.

Felix was the indiscretion she'd had back in 1970, when he tried to end
it Mr Rothman was not forgiven and could not be let go.

Soxxy black with the white paws was a little girl who used to visit and
told Mr's Mercanti she thought it would be wonderful to be a black and
white cat, how could Mrs Mercanti disagree.

Butch the solid heavyset Black was handsome and Caribbean but had tried
to steal Emily's purse in London in 1981.

Tabster was just an old Tramp who'd peed on Carlo's Geraniums last
summer.

Lou Lou diverted Michael's attention away from the rest of the intros;
they were all victims of Mrs Mercanti's wrath or eccentricity in some
way or other, but she wasn't a Malevolent Witch she just seemed to
attract the worst kind sometimes.

"Hey Irishman, know any good Chinese Restaurants?" Michael amazed
understood the Tortoise shell's every hissed word "Me and the guys got
lots of plans for you, but we'll wait for a few days because you got
big enough problems tomorrow" and she gave Michael a cute little smile,
Michael wondered why he'd become intimidated, frightened by her. His
attention went back to Mrs Mercanti who was cooing over him.

"Isn't he just gorgeous Lou Lou, he was a gorgeous big Irishman and I
would have liked to.... Well lets just say I would have like to" she
giggled girlishly. " But Michael or shall we call you Mitch, I got go
and put on my human face on because you and me got an appointment with
Mr Palmer our local vet tomorrow yes we do don't we?"

Michael looked at the Bitch with terror and loathing at her baby talk,
yet he was anticipating her next words.

"Snip snip off with your little Goolies!!, can't have you messing about
with the locals!!"

Michael sat minute and helpless as Mrs Mercanti looked down on him
lovingly, a much younger comely version of the old girl perhaps 25- 30
years old, Michael would have liked to have mentioned something on this
and the impending loss of his Gonads but eight-week-old kittens aren't
renowned for their conversation.

"Miaow"