El Grande Mysterioso Makes A Modest Proposal

Don't get El Grande Mysterioso wrong - he is not prejudiced. Some of
his best friends are from other parts of the country. Some are northern
and flat-capped; some are southern and limp-wristed. El Grande
Mysterioso, on the other hand, is from the centre of the country, the
very core if you will. He is from Brummagem.

As a lifelong citizen of Brummagem (he may call it that; you may not),
El Grande Mysterioso is incensed by the influx of people from other
provinces that can be seen in the proximity of the University. He feels
over-run. If this continues, he fears, the soot covered face of the
true Brummie will soon be in the minority.

Furthermore, he would like to add, you all come swanking over here,
taking our women, sitting on our public benches, getting stuck in our
traffic - it's a bloody disgrace, El Grande Mysterioso tells you.

El Grande Mysterioso would like to lay down some ground rules - if you
are to live in our city it is imperative that you adapt to our culture
and traditions. That means down the pits at six sharp and Brummie
accents all round. Proper ones too, none of this cheap Noddy Holder
pastiche. Jasper Carrott videos will be provided for educational
purposes.

The Brummagem citizenship test will be held next Friday at 10AM in the
Aston Webb building. It has been designed by Carl Chinn, who is a
Professor. Success will be rewarded with the ability to walk proudly
amongst us. Failure will be punished by torture and repatriation. El
Grande Mysterioso and his band of locals will be outside, and they will
be chanting "Brummagem for the Brummies".