Emotional Masochist

I feel so empty, looted, dimmed -
All my hopes defeated.
And yet, somehow, inside I yearn
For all to be repeated.

These silent words within my head,
Unspoken and unheeded,
Cause the feelings, hurt and torture
That are in some way needed.

For I'm an emotional masochist.
My heart, your act, my pain -
All kept inside so that I feel alive,
Longing to feel them again.

So quiet now within these walls
Of faded and bleached bone.
What echoed with so many sounds
Is silent now - alone.

Alone to live a life of peace,
Alone to convalesce.
And yet I find myself drawn back,
Wishing to regress.

For I'm an emotional masochist.
The hurt, the pain, the fear -
Part of me desires these emotional fires
To burn, to crisp, to sear.

A darkness now where once was light.
Shadows where once were stars.
In all this black enchanted twilight
Something seeks to mar

What once was bright across the wastes.
It wants to feel again
The dimming of the soundless lights
For which it was to blame.

For I'm an emotional masochist.
I know not what I do.
This emotional stain must enjoy all the pain
That I feel just being near you.