FIRST HAND TRANSPLANT

HAND TRANSPLANT
The first hand transplant in medical history was reversed as doctors
had to amputate the appendage due to a rejection problem.
I GOT NEWS FOR YA?That was not the first hand transplant!
Long ago, before I got thrown out of medical school, my colleagues and
I did little bits of postmortem dissections and autopsies. Inspired by
videos of The Father of Modern Surgery, Colin Clive, we practiced in
dark, dungy, cellars on subjects ranging from frogs and dogs to
squirrels and hogs, whatever we could find.
Obviously, this type of thing was hard to keep under wraps. Word soon
spread throughout the village about our "homework". Mixed emotions were
felt among our friends and neighbors. The nice ones began to spit on us
and call us names. One night enraged peasants went so far as to burn
our house down. I remember thinking that was odd behavior for a
community in Connecticut, but I really wasn't that distressed because
the house belonged to my parents. Later I found out they died in the
fire and I was endowed with a large inheritance that allowed I and my
colleagues to expand our operations.
Subjects seemed to be everywhere and we were able to do anything we
desired. Somehow it became rather dull. We were getting bored. We
decided to try something new, but had no ideas?
A Guinness book appeared. We thumbed through it quickly to the section
on major surgeries. Few opportunities presented themselves. Most
everything had been done before, but we noted a complete hand had never
been transplanted. We could enter the illustrious publication if we
were willing to move up to experimenting on human subjects.
To our surprise, the very next day, one of our dear friends lost his
right hand while sleeping in his bed due to a rather bizarre chain saw
accident. Naturally he came to us for help. Needless to say we were
ecstatic. We were going to get into the Guinness Book of World
Records!
We were able to find a suitable donor from our morgue clientele. We
quickly changed clothes, scrubbed-down, and bought film for the
camera?we had to have proof!
In probably the most famous unknown surgical procedure of the 20th
Century we attached a new hand to a human subject. Everything lined up
perfectly. The operation was a complete success. We drank a victory
toast! The patient held his glass high with his new hand.
All went well for several days, weeks, even months. Then the hand began
to act strangely. It picked his nose involuntarily, (so he claimed?).
It scratched his butt in public. It grabbed girls in crowded elevators.
It even saluted during Nazi parades. We were able to control the
actions with various drugs and hallucinogens, however the hand began to
reject him.
It started to slap him silly. Soon he was fighting with it constantly.
It became obvious he had no control over it. It was a classic case of
rejection.
Police Inspector Holmes, examined the scene. One dead body, with a
gunshot wound to the head, lying in a pool of blood, clutching a
smoking revolver. No other occupants in the house, no prints, no signs
of forcible entry. The conclusion, obvious and
elementary?suicide.
That was the official diagnosis, case closed! My colleagues and I knew
it wasn't suicide. We knew it was?The Hand.
By George

Editor's note: Colin Clive a.k.a. Dr. Henry Frankenstein