Focused Feelings-Chapter 8

" Desiree', how am I supposed to deal with your memories? " Her
experiences lingered in my mind, feeling fresh as the day they
happened, leaving me stirred and shaken.

" Nancy, while I truly regret sweeping you into this emotional turmoil,
you've been greatly honored..I seldom share myself with anyone. " Her
pacifying honesty seeped into my soul. " Close your eyes and let the
Goddess be your guide. "

' Oh, Great Goddess Kermes Twa
Let the serenity of your innocent side
The calmness of your gentle side
Come to us at this moment
Let all of the pain and hurt
All of the torment
Be removed from our body
So that we may accomplish what you have asked
Of us and from us on this night
Our focus being
The ritual sacrifice ' First Taste of Blood '

A unified calmness washed over our body, reviving and refreshing us
with no hint of frustration or thwarted purpose.

" Nancy! " I was all ears, knowing that life with Desiree' would bring
about many changes shortly. " I can see your thoughts! " She screeched
in derision. " Bitter conflicts raging between the good girl who always
obeyed every set of rules and regulations put forth, while deep in your
heart of hearts you wanted to be the uninhibited bad girl who walked on
the wild side! " She clucked my tongue, then smirked. " Live
dangerously with your truth! "

" Desiree', you of all people know how it feels to be an outcast from
society.
Couples came to adopt the child of their choice at the orphanage on the
2nd and 4th Saturday of the month. Every time I wasn't chosen, I
repeated my mantra to keep me company..
' nothing really matters because I just don't care! ' "

Desiree' infused me with her vast array of feelings! " Nancy, this
night's a lesson in the making..you'll learn to spread your uncaged
canary wings in soaring flights of freedom! " Desiree' knew exactly
what I sought as she cast a deepseated spell with the power of her
charming words. " Tonight your eternal membership into the Vampir
Familia takes place and we'll become official sisters of the night,
bonded together by the taking and receiving of innocent blood. "
Desiree' wrapped me around her little finger.

The green dial of the clock radio read 1:45am, but it seemed like hours
had passed in conversation. ' Time Is On My Side ' poured forth from
the Rolling Stones and Desiree' giggled..Mick must've whispered that
he'd being singing that song, just for us.

Gustav pulled up in front of the club, stopping the Mercedes with a
jolt. A waitress met us at the door and led us to a ringside table with
an upclose and personal view of the stage. " Adrian said your drinks
are on the house. "

" There's nothing like a Devil's Sidekick! " Desiree' dark persona left
no room for arguments. " It's similar to a Zombie, but has an extra
added ingredient. " With a flair the waitress set a tall glass of red
liquid in front of me..pineapple, orange, lemon, lime, and coconut
greeted my taste buds at first sip.

" Desiree', this reminds me of a children's party drink, but where's
the punch?! "

She provided the catch. " That's the beauty of it, Nancy..the Devil
takes a couple of hours to pitch his fork into your side! " Her laugh
was wicked in its humor and I realized I wanted to walk on the path to
Desiree's final destination.

Warm hands rested on my shoulders as Adrian's breath tickled my
cheek.
" Nancy, I'm glad you made it for my last set and hope you'll still
consent to have that drink with me.. " he softly brushed his lips
against my neck, sending delightful sensations coursing through my
blood.." so we can get to know each other better. "

" Nancy, quit your daydreaming and speak up! " I wondered what had come
over me.

" Of course, Adrian. " I gave him my brightest smile. " Was there a
particular person you had in mind when you wrote ' Whispers Of The
Midnight Longing '? "

" The vision of your beauty, Lovely Lady..it's the easiest song I've
ever written. " He jumped back on the stage, grabbing the mic. " Hey
all you Punkers and Rockers, it's time for your brains to be jump
started with L O V E! " The spotlight fell on us. " This next song's
dedicated to a Special Lady I met tonight. I hope she and I can become
good friends in this life. "

" Desiree', the jigsaw puzzle pieces are finally fitting together in my
life. "

" We're blessed to receive many crimson colored emotions as the Great
Goddess gives us countless nights of desire, pleasure, and
satisfaction. "

Adrian brought the mic close to his mouth, his raspy voice singing to
Desiree' and me.

Love Is Power

I hear the rumbling thunder roll across the sky
In booming voice he talks to me
Oh lowly man here on this Earth
I'll teach you how to live and never die

I'll speak to you of different things
The ruinous rage and dark desire of love
The possesive power, the fierce consuming fire of love
The stalwort strength and might love brings

Rejected love spreads demon seeds, choking weeds that reign
Protective love grows flowering thoughts that rule
When love is true, scented petals dwell within
Follow your unseen heart and perfumed treasures you'll gain

The only songs I heard Adrian sing were his two dedications that told
me I could heal a wounded heart or make it bleed to death. Desiree' was
furious. " Nancy, have you forgotten about me? We've been given one
option..the Great Goddess demands Adrian's blooded death in order for
us to continue living! "

The crowd clapped, cheered and yelled for more as Adrian left the
stage.
He returned, speaking in a wistful whisper as the band played a sad and
melancholy tune.

Think Or Feel

Do you think or do you feel
Are your endless questions truth or lies
Can I trust the words you say
Will you leave me, tears to cry

So many walls I've built around my heart
You've torn them down, one by one
Can I believe this Love you give
Won't strip me to the bone

What will I feel, when you are done
Do I have the strength to deal with fear
What will I face, Life or Death
What will I do to keep you near

What does it matter, now I say
I give my saddened Heart to you
You alone now have the Power
You alone will do what you will do

The way I think, the way I feel
My questions now both truth and lies
I have to ask my Soul again
Will your Love complete me, or make me fade and die

Desiree's necklace had turned to ice against my breast, but burned like
a red hot poker when Adrian sang this song. The ruby inside glowed
richly red, pulsing in time with my heart. When Adrian finished, the
necklace returned to its Antarctic state, while the ruby inside ceased
its heartfelt beating. Desiree' and Kermes Twa prodded me on, not
allowing the slightest hint of love or affection to influence my heart
and soul. Their plan of action surged through every cell in my body, a
craving that cried out for his fresh innocent blood to co-mingle with
mine, a fix for my addiction.

Adrian came to our table and proffered his hand. The noise was
deafening and as we walked by his side the crowd of autograph seekers
parted like the Red Sea did for the Israelites. His backstage room was
barely lit by flickering candles of purest white that cast grotesque
shadows on the walls and ceiling. " Please have a seat. " Adrian
pointed to a white pillow in the middle of the floor, then positioned
himself opposite of me on a black pillow. He crossed his legs and
closed his bright blue eyes, his rugged features taking on an aura of
peace and contentment. He slowly inhaled and exhaled for a few minutes,
then held his arms out, extending his fingers to their full length. "
After each performance I'm drained and need to recoup my energy..I
enclose my
onstage persona in a separate part of my mind, so the real me can
return. "

" Adrian, you certainly don't fit the profile of a typical
rockstar..most of them are self-centered and quite vain. " I laughed
outloud. " I figured your walls would be plastered from floor to
ceiling with posters of you and your band, and garish lighting to make
sure unwary visitors would have no way of missing them. "

" My sanctuary's where I come to write my songs and music, keeping my
spirit balanced and recharged. " He stood up, then disappeared behind a
magnificent white wolf printed screen and changed into faded blue jeans
and a flowing yellow rayon shirt. " Is this more in keeping with your
image
of me? "

My fingertips glided up and down his sleeve, feeling a familiar and
comforting strength in his muscled arm. " Adrian doesn't want or expect
you to act forward, Nancy! " Desiree' was past upset.

" Nancy, you're a surprising lady! I take this to mean you like my
shirt? " Adrian's laugh had a pleasant ring. " Each of the colors I
surround myself with have a purpose. For instance, bright yellow helps
me mentally ground and center my thoughts. " He lined up seven unlit
white candles and placed them in front of the white wolf screen. "
These signify fidelity and bring me protection, purification, and
spirituality. " He lit them one by one.
" I live according to the rules set forth in the Conduct Code of The
Higher Principle and the white wolf's protecting spirit governs every
aspect of my life. "

" Adrian, tell me more. "

" The white wolf bestowed his gifts and imparted his values to me..I've
been honored with the power of his integrity. " He gathered my hands in
his.
" Like the wolf, I'm territorial, providing protection first and
foremost for myself and then I'm better able to guard my family and
friends. " His grip strengthened. " I harbor no fear, but I'm not
reckless. The wolf's sense of adventure and excitement lets me explore
new places and things that broaden my horizons..my family and friends
know I'll return to share what I've learned. " His body language
signaled boldness and forthrightness. " I carefully plan my strategies,
and wait patiently for the right moment to enact them. " My mind
strayed to thoughts of Adrian's blood, but were quickly staunched. "
Nancy, the minute I set eyes on you I felt at ease. " The warmth of his
mouth caressed kisses on the back of my hand, then he gazed deep into
my eyes and continued. " It's as if we'd met before, but found the need
to reacquaint ourselves. "

" Desiree'? "

" Nancy, nothing Adrian said has any meaning or significance to me! " I
didn't know if what she said was true or not.

" I'm sorry if I upset you in any way, Nancy, but the wolfspirit's
never wrong. " Adrian paced back and forth as I sat watching him,
locked inside my silence with Desiree'.

She said, " He's the ultimate test, a worthy conquest that we'll draw
into our web of blood. " She licked our lips, savoring thoughts of warm
sticky redness. " This is just the adventure Adrian wants and needs
with us. "

" Adrian, you're a man of mystery and intrigue. " A subject I wanted to
sink my teeth into!

He sighed with relief. " Well, I hope you enjoy the wilds of nature,
'cause my home's out in the boondocks! "

Adrian ushered me through a side door and we walked to his SUV. I
turned to him and said, " Let me speak to Gustav and tell him where
I'll be. "

Desiree's words flowed from my tongue. " Gustav, follow us at a
discreet distance. If there's any hint of trouble, you know what to do!
"

With controlled excitement, I strolled over to Adrian's 1999 dark
metallic brown, fully loaded 4-wheel drive Ford Explorer XLT. The body
was high enough off the ground to require a footstep..I grabbed hold of
the side handle and pulled myself into the passenger's seat. " Nancy,
are you sure this vehicle's safe? "

I rolled my eyes in exaspiration, but asked Desiree's question. "
Adrian, why on earth would you need something this big to drive?
"

" I live off the beaten path and the backroads get muddy and rocky. "
He slapped the SUV with his open palm. " She always gets me where I
need to go with no problems and I chose this color for protection from
harm. " He checked his rearview mirror and revved the engine. " Buckle
your seatbelt and let's go! "

We left the city lights far behind and drove into the mountains. " Tell
me about yourself, Adrian. "

" My father and I lived in Sheridan County, Montana, near the Canadian
border. The closest town to us, if you'd call it that, was Redstone. "
He shifted into low gear as we climbed further up into the hills. " My
father was a forest ranger and we'd spend many hours in the wilderness
together. Between communing with Mother Nature, and reading and writing
when I stayed home, I was happy in my life. One day we went to
photograph wild creatures and by pure luck came upon a rare white wolf
in the midst of an aspen grove. " He spoke with awe and reverence. "
The minute I saw him, we locked eyes and his spirit entered me. That
one moment changed my life forever..I closely examined his ways,
putting into practice what I learned. " He paused for a minute. " Now
it's your turn to open up. "

I felt at ease in the sincerity of his voice. " I grew up in an
orphanage not far from Springfield, so loneliness was my way of life. I
never had any friends until I started working as David Winslow's
executive assistant. This week my prayers were answered in the form of
Count Marcus and his sister. " Waves of happiness welled inside my
heart. " I met the Count at the Winter Charity Ball that Mr.Winslow's
company sponsors each year and Marcus invited me to visit him at his
sister's house.." I giggled. " Adrian, I'd pictured a nice two-story
house with a white picket fence, but was totally surprised when Gustav
stopped in front of a fairytale castle in the clouds! " Talking with
Adrian was so simple, so easy. " His sister's name is Sheridan and I've
been treated like an adored family member. "

" Shut up, Nancy! " Desiree' certainly knew how to break a good
mood.
" Take a deep breath and collect your wits.You can't let him draw you
out..it must be the other way around. " Her tongue was sharper than a
razor blade against my soul.

" Ahhh, we've something in common then. Sheridan's an unusual name to
say the least. " Adrian shouted in my ear. " Hang on tight with all
your fingers and toes! "

Even with the seatbelt pulled snugly against my body and my hands glued
to the abovedoor handle, I bounced and slid like a rodeo rider trying
to stay on a raging bull for 8 seconds or longer! I gritted my teeth as
we flew over the roughest hills and gulleys I'd ever been on. Desiree'
didn't seem to appreciate the aches and pains that jolted my body, but
just as her irritation rose to the boiling point Adrian slammed on the
brakes! " Did you enjoy
the ride? " He helped me down from the seat, graciously bowed and
said,
" Welcome to my humble abode, White Wolf Lodge. "

I felt grand. " It was a trip I won't forget anytime soon! " The
scented air was crisply clean with the aroma of pine resin. The silvery
moon was full, while countless stars dazzled like brilliant sequins on
a black velvet dress. Amidst this beautiful scene I grabbed Adrian's
hands and asked him to dance..he spun me around in dizzying circles and
when he finally set me on solid ground, he reached over and ran his
fingers through my hair. I trembled as he touched my eyes and cheeks,
then brought his face so close to mine I could smell his Wind Drift
cologne. Soft as gentle butterfly wings he placed his lips on mine,
then demanded more and more, leaving me breathless!

He pulled away. " Nancy, I'm so sorry, but you looked so angelic in the
moonlight, I just couldn't resist! " I was confused, wanting that
sensational kiss to last forever and I certainly didn't understand why
he stopped. " Let's go in before we catch our death of cold! " My heart
was crestfallen as he took my hand and we walked up the steps to his
rustic log cabin..my brain wandered into a guilt-ridden fog of
conflicting emotions because his mouth felt so good and right to my
lips. Tears welled in my eyes and I wanted more than anything to leave
and return to Marcus.

Desiree' had no sympathy. " Don't be a remorseful ninny..as long as you
go no further, what difference does one kiss make? "

Adrian turned on the lights, then wiped my cheeks with an unusually
designed handkerchief. " My kiss upset you, didn't it? " He sat me down
on his couch and looked me straight in the eye." I wanted to take
everything slowly, because you're such a special lady. " He held me in
his arms, while I continued to sob. " When you showed up at the club, I
felt as if we'd known each other forever. "

I finally gained a bit of self-control. " Adrian, please forgive my
reactions..I don't have much experience when it comes to men. Your kiss
was very special, but I certainly have to know and trust a person
before I can go any further. I hope you understand. "

" I do and I agree with you whole heartedly, but followed my gut
instincts when I kissed you. Maybe it's my way of howling at the moon!
" He imitated a wolf call to perfection.

I smiled at his actions. " Adrian, although I only caught a glimpse of
your handkerchief, it was most unique. "

He showed me the whole picture embroidered on the white
background.
" This belonged to my mother, and was handed down through her side of
the family for generations. Poseidon is god of oceans and mariners and
depending on his mood, he sends fair or foul weather. " The god hovered
in the heavens, looking down on a split picture of the same ship..one
under blue sky and sunshine, the other under the black clouds and
lightning of a raging storm. " He stared intently at me. " I'm told
that some of my forebears were sailors on the sea. "

A faint tingling rushed through my veins. "What kind of dreams did you
have about me, Adrian? "

" I dreamed we met on a clipper ship, but I've never sailed the seven
seas before. "

" Saltwater running through your arteries? I've no idea what's flowing
in
my bloodstream. " I sighed.

He kissed my forehead. " I'm going to make that hot chocolate. "

While he was in the kitchen, I looked around. Logs were laid out,
waiting to be lit and the huge fireplace was fitted with rocks in
various shapes, sizes and colors. Above the mantlepiece was the most
realistic oil painting I'd ever seen. I was startled when Adrian placed
his hands on my shoulders and whispered, " That's my own painting of
the white wolf in the aspen grove..each time I look at him, new
revelations of where I want to go in my life occur to me! " The fire
crackled in red and yellow flames and the heat quickly spread
throughout our bodies.

" Now to your name. " My ears perked up and Adrian faced me. " Nancy is
derived from the English pet form of Anne which comes from the Hebrew
name Hannah, meaning ' grace. ' She surmounts life's obstacles with the
healing influence of patience and the benefit of time will help her
achieve wholeness in life. " He moved closer. " She uses her intuition
to get along with people, knowing when to move ahead and when to
retreat. " He kissed my cheek. " She's charming and an easy mixer who
enjoys reading, writing, and speaking. " He clasped my hands between
his. " Her natural sense of self protection extends to others, but many
of her life's lessons will come through tests surrounding the proper
use of her potent will. "

Adrian no longer talked in general terms about my name, but got upclose
and personal. " I'd adorn you with lapis lazuli, moss agates, and
carnelian stones and scent your body with Night Blooming Jasmine. I'd
dress you in the color of your eyes, such a deep royal violet a man
could get lost in them. "

He leaned in to kiss me, but Desiree' cut him off. " That's
intriguing,
Adrian. "

He sighed, then continued, " Did you want to ask me about any
other names? "

" Yes, Adrian..Mark and Marcus. "

" Those two names are interconnected. Mark is derived from the Latin
name of Marcus, which originated from Mars, the Roman god of war. Mark
has a very quiet and withdrawn personality, but if you manage to find a
topic of conversation close to his heart, he'll open up and reveal a
lively and interesting side of himself that not many people see. He's
insightful and curious and loves the adventure of extensive travels. "
Desiree' drifted off, while I listened with fascination. " The
philosopher combines with the sensualist in Mark's name. He's very
individualistic and requires a great deal of alone time, but is most
comfortable having a partner by his side. "

" That's pretty close to the Mark I know and love, " I told
Adrian.

Desiree' came back into sharp focus, " What was that reference to you
loving Mark? "

" He's nothing more than a good friend, Desiree'. "

" It'd better stay that way or we'll all be sorry! " She was
perturbed.

" Marcus has the capacity to be happy and well balanced if he surrounds
himself with good friends. If he isn't careful, Marcus can become
disenchanted with the everyday world. If he can leave behind his
imagined fantasies and seize life's realities, there'll be little to
stand in his way.
He's a natural born leader and acts in the best interests of those who
follow him. He's able to give and receive love, being empowered with
strength, considerable intuition, and the capacity for
introspection
and communication. "

Adrian gazed deep into my soul and added one last sentence. " Nancy,
does the name Desiree' ring a bell? "

I stared at him in shocked silence.