Help with writing letters

Dear Sir

it has come to my attention that you are consciously parking your
car in front of my house every evening at around six oclock. Logically
this
would coincide with the time a normal person such as yourself might
come home
from work. I have looked out and seen you from my kitchen window.

Incidentally as my kitchen is in the basement, whenever you park your
car in
said place the whole room becomes dark and gloomy. Like a fucking
morgue in
fact. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you were
not
aware of that fact and therefore are not parking with the specific
intent of
making me feel less happy. But you might be trying to attract my
attention.

As I said I've seen you but only your legs. Not your face. And I have
tried
not to form a mental image of you. I get the impression (from your
legs) that
your job is not one which demands formal attire. You might run your
own
business, or work in a shop - I don't know. I would guess you are
somewhere
between 29 and 40 - it's hard to tell just from the legs. You have
never worn
trainers but again that does not actually tell me anything. I wear
trainers
myself so I know they are comfortable but so probably are the pale
brown
Timberlands you seem to favour. By the way I didn't like the
loafers.

If I tell you now that I am 38c cupsize you should not take it that I
am
trying to interest you sexually. I just felt that as I have been seeing
the
lower half of you every day for a month at least, it might be fun if
you knew
something about the upper half of me. Having established that I am
not
propositioning you is there anything else you would like to know?
For
instance am I married? is there a special person in my life who is not
always
around? Do I prefer male or female? I cannot answer unless you
ask.

The man who used to regularly lean his bike against my dustbin for a
period
of about seven weeks showed a certain amount of curiosity in these
matters
right from the start. My relationship with him was different from the
one you
and I share so far. His hours were different. I never asked him what he
did
in the course of the day as my role is not to ask questions. If I ask
a
question I feel exposed myself. This should not be interpreted as any
lack of
interest. I want to know the answers (desperately) but my secret
fantasy is
that you will volunteer the information. Not just let it slip in that
lazy
period after you've ejaculated.

Hmmmmm

I am not sure of the exact time when you arrive outside my place in
the
morning and drive off. This is because I am still in bed at that
hour.
Usually alone and naked, lying face down. But rarely asleep, I lie
there
listening.

When you return to park in the evenings, again, I am similarly naked
but tend to be
half sitting up in bed watching quiz programmes and the like.

There are a lot of cars a-coming and going in the course of the day, so
I
can't be sure which one is yours. If I stood at the window and looked
out
this would interfere with our future as I've planned it; you have to
make the
next move.

It would be a simple matter for you to adjust your daily routine so
that I
become a significant part of it. You would not be required to put in
more
than 20 minutes a day as I have milk and newspapers delivered, also the
post,
although the latter arrangement is petering out. The deliveries are
always on
time and regular and I would expect you to be also.

If you have any queries about my specialities please do not hesitate to
put
them to paper. I will answer them on paper before proceeding to the
next
stage, getting a key cut etc. I will tell you everything you want to
know.
There is nothing I won't tell you. More than all of me is yours.
Please
reply at your earliest possible convenience. Failure to reply promptly
or at
all will not signify lack of involvement as far as I'm concerned. Quite
the
reverse.

Yours faithfully

The House Owner --------------------