How to dig holes politely

Employees and contractors of Yorkshire Water are being sent on a
five-day course at Leeds University
on how to dig holes in roads without upsetting people.
Metro 8.8.00

HOW TO DIG HOLES POLITELY

Try not to dig at all
When it might incommode the traffic, so confine
All your activities to when the road is clear.
If this should prove
Impossible
Apologise profusely to each driver
Hand roses to the ladies, or
Serenade them with melodious song.

Make no unnecessary noise, and if you must
Employ pneumatic drills, be sure to say
'Excuse me, please'. After you are done,
Disarm all protest with a pleasant smile
And murmur of 'I beg your pardon'.

Female pedestrians must not encounter
Leers and lewd remarks, or exhortations
To 'Cheer up darlin', it may never happen'
For all too many, it already has.
No, ladies should be met with courtesy
Respectful nods or deferential smiles
Are all that is required.

Ensure your belt is tight, never allow
The nether garments to descend.
A confrontation
With a naked bum may well cause some distress
To those who were gently reared.

And, most of all, remember
A hole is an unchancy thing; unattended
It waits to swallow the unwary.
Warning notices
No matter how well worded
Cannot replace a watchful eye. So never
Ever leave your hole alone.