Hyper tourism

I'd now like to present the story of an ad hoc and unplanned trip to
Brussels, Belgium... This may seem like an odd and disjointed entry but
it is taken directly from notes made as I progressed...

3rd Feb 2005

Just leaving Orpington Station on another of my epic, pointless trips
to a place I have never been. This time it's Brussels in poor old
Belgium. At ?60, it might seem a tad steep, but my hotel is actually
the coach that I travel in! Overnight journeys save money! OK, Thrifty!
Let's go!

23:30hrs

(Written in a scratchy scrawly hand!)

On the coach and I am sat in front of the loudest pair of idiots that I
have ever encountered!
(Handwriting improves...)

Sorry about that. I have been sat in front of the loudest, most
inconsiderate bastards I have ever seen. They have been belching,
chewing and shouting incessantly in some impenetrable African/ Arabic/
fuck knows what language and it's been pissing me off big time! I have
had a nap with my music on to drown out the noise.

Surprisingly, we are making the crossing to France by ferry. I was
expecting to go by tunnel again which ,despite the astonishing feat of
modern day engineering, is very dull and boringly efficient.

0.50hrs 4th Feb...

We're just leaving Dover for the high seas! I am out on the deck under
the lifeboats and they are most disconcerting. They loom over your head
in a way that boats really shouldn't! I hope to avoid testing their
seaworthiness!

OK. I have just had a 'regular cappuccino' in the 'harbour Coffee
company' bar. it was a demitasse of vaguely warmed froth with a
chocolate spiral on top. All that for ?1.80! The lucky traveller!

I am going to be dead beat at the end of this trip. Precious little
sleep and a super fast tourism schedule. Craziness!

It's pitch black and cold outside. In here, we are cocooned from the
elements but vulnerable yet. ICEBERG!!!! (Only kidding!)

I came in, the weary traveller from the cold. Seeking warmth,
companionship and who do I encounter? That pair of bastards from the
bus and they are jabbering nineteen to the dozen again! I hope that the
passport control staff order a deep rectal cavity search on them.
Although I am certain that they'll continue to gasbag all the way
through it! I hope that they are going to Lille but I have a feeling
that we'll meet again in Brussels...

06.36 (C.E.T.)

Here I sit in the shopping mall above the Gare du Nord in Brussels.
Somewhere out there, two gasbags deflate!
This is a strange and already fascinating place as French and Dutch
battle for linguistic supremacy. French may have the edge but even so,
sprinkled like seeds of an invasive species, I see lots of English
being used. I will get under way soon to see what gives with the travel
situation. The ticket machines are both broken and I don't want to risk
my euros in them. The ticket I need costs ?3.60 and rejoices in the
name '1 day jump.' maybe that's going to give a depressed commuter some
ideas on how to escape the rat race? One day...jump?

Ricky! Don't lose that number! (Music playing loudly through P.A.
system...) It's 08.35 and I am sitting in Bourse/Beurs station having
discovered first hand how tricky it is to navigate the city using the
trams... it's more than a little confusing but given time, say
approximately seven years, I could get the gist of it.

Brussels is a rat run of filthy streets and it's laid out specifically
to confuse the idle tourist like me! Good work, People!

Anyway, I am going to search for the Mannekin-Pis in a moment. I am
bound to get lost so I wish I'd bought a ball of wool with me.

Here we are...after a real trek, I found the Mannekin!
The statue is very small indeed. It's rubbish, to be honest. Just like
the Japanese film crew here to film it peeing. What am I doing here?
NARF! Every year, the locals put new costumes on the statue but that's
never going to make the thing any more impressive. It's bollocks! But
it looks happy. The bin men just came and they were just as unimpressed
with Le petit Julien as I am. This year's costumes are to be: Folklore
costumes from Monaco...missed that one. A first class huntsman from the
Ardennes...a soldier of sorts. And in March, to celebrate Texan
independence day (?), a cowboy! But...but...why?

Just off the spectacularly gothic Grand' Place, we have la Boutique
Tintin! The Belgians seem to be extremely keen on comic book art and it
leaps out at you from murals, adverts, T-shirts and...the Tintin shop!
This is a shop dedicated to the work of Herg?, one of Belgium's more
famous sons. They are very proud of his works as there seems to be
little else, apart from Jacques Brel's music that has made it out to
the wider world. You can read Tintin, dress like Tintin, colour him in,
cuddle or send him to the moon. That last one would be my
favourite.

Much later...

Sleepy and confused! I am at 'Heliotropes' and need to get to Heysel.
Why am I finding this so tough? it's straightforward, Man!

12.53

I made it to the Atomium and yes, it is a mighty atom. However, it is
also closed for refurbishment! It's a filthy looking thing and it's
about time that they cleaned it up! It's the unofficial symbol of the
E.U and it looks like a load of balls! I can also see the Heysel
Stadium from here... You know how I am fascinated by disaster!

14.00hrs

Heysel was a real dump! No good to man nor beast so I got the Metro
back to town and I am in De Brouckere, warming up a bit and thinking of
food before the odyssey continues. This is such a ridiculous pursuit. I
am always finding myself lost in these weird cities. I could never ask
anyone to accompany me on a trip like this. It's a solitary endeavour
and one which would bore anyone else to tears. I will soon be stunned
with tedium too. Give it a while!

I stopped off at Lemonnier to see the Sewer museum and the whole of
Porte d'Anderlecht is cordoned off. Oh, great! Now the bomb squad have
turned up! This is a major problem... I went to Brussels and it was
closed!

Why does everyone ask me for directions? I am the one that is lost!
Cops everywhere now! This is annoying. Ah, well...no sewage for
me!
Trams, Stations and roads are all sealed off. This is just dandy! I
walked as far as Bourse as the Porte d'Anderlecht seemed to be a total
dead loss. This trip hasn't done much to endear Brussels to me. It's
been a real test of my patience but...there's still 6 more hours before
I head for home! What will I do? Wander around and maybe get
mugged?

Right now, I have coffee and pancakes which goes some way to making it
feel better. I must consult the magic book and see what it says to
do!

Right! Sod it...I'm off to Parc. Let's see if it will be worth another
bloody tram ride!

17.40hrs

Well...that's not too shabby! In catching the tram, I got to see the
various palaces, museums and cathedrals that dot the area. Not that I
care about the buildings as such, but the trams are warm and I do like
the weird 'lost in Belgium' feel to proceedings. I am standing
somewhere cold (Poelaert), above the city. There's a cenotaph here and
my second rotten banana of the day. What's with all the bad 'nanas,
Belgians? Hmmm...there's the third TV crew of the day. I can see the
Atomium in the distance. I have covered a lot of ground today but have
achieved very little.

19.30hrs

I am back where I started at the Gare du Nord. If I didn't know the
truth, I'd never believe that this was the same day. I feel as if I
have been here for at least two days. That is the magic of my intense
day trip method. I am now heartily sick of Brussels and may never come
back! I can't think of a good reason why I would! It's not a special
place like Paris nor is it a mad place like New York. It's not as good
for your inner doodahs as Amsterdam, so would I recommend it to anyone?
I'd merely say that one should only be in Brussels if one really has to
be. There's no outstanding reason to come here. The transport is
confusing, sightseeing is sparse and what there is to see is spread
over too wide an area, which brings us back to the transport
difficulties.

I'm feeling really tired now. That dizzy feeling every time that I
blink...head lolling forwards. I hope that I get some sleep on the bus.
Those noisy bastards will be a long way off by now. Won't they???

21:20

I went for another walk around this bloody station... I am so tired and
frazzled that I started to feel sad. As if all future adventures would
end up this way. I bought a cappuccino from Quick and whilst drinking
it, I gave my '1 day jump' to some chap at the ticket machine. He
didn't understand at first but I showed him the ticket display and my
ticket... "C'est La M?me Chose...", I told him... "Gratuit?" , he
asked... "Oui...yeah. Gratuit." It cheered us both up.

??.??

(The bus was very late in arriving to take me home... I was feeling
even more tired and weird. The ground was undulating under my feet...
At around 23.15, we were off...)

(In scrawly handwriting again...)

I have been asleep and I have just woken up. I don't know what country
I am in. That's one reason why I do these journeys. I like to be lifted
out of reality.

02.54hrs

It actually turned out that I was still in Belgium but this time, I
have awoken in France for the usual passport crap. Cold, queuing and
Nigerian passports.

I have been sharing seat space with a Belgian girl but I have barely
noticed her presence as I have been sleeping. When I awoke briefly in
Belgium, there was a real roughneck smell going around. Quite a biff...
However, just before I went into passport control, I parped and filled
my coat. The same smell. Poor innocent Belgian girl!

04.00hrs

We're on the ferry and have spent the last 15 minutes revolving. In the
harbour. England, dead ahead, Captain! Hurry up!

I just treated myself to 'Eggs, chips and beans.' I have eaten in some
crappy places in my time but this is the first occasion where I have
been given joke rubber eggs to eat! How long were those things under
the heat lamp? They didn't bend under their own weight and the yoke
stood up, solid and proud like the button to start World War
Three!

I shall draw a discreet line under all this now as I am surrounded by
sleeping passengers from all over the globe. None of them are mad
enough to do what I have just done and have a Blitzkrieg holiday but if
they did, I hope that they feel as wobbly weird at the end as I
do!

5th Feb...2005 03.00hrs UK time!