I Need You - July 16 2002

You know I normally start by talking about what time I woke up and
what I did, but for a change..I..woke up at 6.15 and I stumble
downstairs and I feed the cats and I am finally sitting there, about to
write my diary and I am crying. I look about the room and I find some
CD or other which I stick on, I think it's a Jam one. I am listening to
Away From The Numbers and wondering if I have now lost the plot. Or
that wonderful song "I Need You (For Someone)".

Yesterday was good. I rang ... at lunchtime from outside the old Marks
and Spencers shop opposite HMV where I have just bought a Kylie CD for
my wife's birthday and a copy of a Smashing Pumpkins album. I love to
ring them. Someone muttered that my mobile phone bill will be large.
But what do I do? Go for a different plan? Stop calling.

It is very hot and the sun smashes down and beats me to a pulp if I
really thought about it. And the all the things I do are just things I
do between waking up and falling asleep. So we talked about dreams.
Like we do.

Yesterday evening (15) I listened to a lovely album that ... had sent
me. It is so completely different to anything I have and I made the
point of devotong my whole attention to it. Then I tried doing to new
songs and I found that all my tape recorders dont work. So I just
played the songs through.

I had some tea and watched a bit of television. Then I went in chat. I
talked to ... for a long while but I am also smoking - I got through a
whole packet of Rothmans and missed Big Brother - and sometimes there
is like a long pause in the chat. I know they are talking to somebody
else, maybe a few other people.

It is like a dance or a game of snakes and ladders, we will talk about
things that only we know about and then talk about things that are more
general. Maybe dancing is a good analogy - not every song is fast, and
not every song is slow.

But if we are just asking questions and getting answers and maybe we
might want to be asked questions ourselves, sometimes. I sent ... a
couple of song-poems, which they liked. And sometimes behind my eyes
the emotion builds up. And then we say goodbye once more.

I think it is more that occasionally that you can cry for no reason at
all or you will think of something and you will cry instead of laugh.
Or crack up under it all.

I am a realist. I know there will never be walks along the seashore
because life is never that simple. Life just keeps moving along, and
endless series of coffee and cigarettes and simple dreams and simple
things that we all do to ensure that we stay quite sane.

I was offered a Stella this evening. Of course I refused because I know
what happened before. I end up getting drunk every night and playing
favourite songs so very quietly in case I can be heard.

I pull myself up by my bootstraps and keep looking for new, for the
time is now and time keeps moving so very fast, that sometimes we have
to run just to keep up, like in the Red Queen's Race. I am always
running in my mind, tearing through the days that zoom past. Heading
towards an unknown future. Because the future is unwritten. I have
never read the book, as it doesnt exist.

I will sing my songs of love and friendship, and friendship and love
till the words shine out bright in ten foot letters on the motorway. In
the certain knowledge that they will be read.

I will wear my colours of black and silver and ride across dreams. And
maybe learn how to ride properly so I can meet so many people and tell
them how easy it is to dream. Or look into a mirror and know that what
I see is what I am. And no amount of willpower will change the face
that looks back at me. I shake my head and laugh at myself as if what I
look like really matters at all. That I can see that I am older than
yesterday, and I will be older tomorrow as well.

"I need you to keep me straight, when the world dont seem so great, and
its hard enough you know.

I need you to be around when my conscience brings me down and the world
seems so obscure."

I am falling from a great height, maybe with a parachute, my plane has
just been shot down, and I am falling into enemy held territory.