Letter From A King To A Goddess And Her Reply

" I'm sitting here thinking of what I can say to the most beautiful
woman in the world..how will she react after all this time? "

My Dearest Deccie,

Domestic Goddess of all you survey..there are no words that I can say
that would even begin to explain how busy my life has been in recent
months.

" That's a good start..make her feel a little bit sorry that I've had
so much to do that I couldn't even write? I'll continue... "

Following the recent revolution that was waged against yours
truly..that being me, Mighty King of Quorgonia, of course, I seem to
have run up a bit of a national debt, roughly in the neighborhood 500
million pounds. I am presently trying to clear myself of this measly
little obligation by offering to sell my body or a reasonable facsimile
thereof..maybe a nude picture given a prominent position in the buyer's
hallway or living room. Better yet, a calendar of me doing Kingly
projects. I'm sure either one would sell like ice cubes to those poor
souls residing in Hell!

" Gain her sympathy with that part..yes, indeedy! And have her know I'm
serious about regaining my Kingly fortune! "

The dire straights of my financial situation have all come about by way
of the former Princess, Kalus Kow, who no longer resides within these
walls or graces us with her presence. She got intangled with the wrong
crowd and left to pursue a career as a vampish vampire, or adled bat in
a belfry, or some such horrendous job offer.

" Yes, my Dear Deccie will understand, as she knows so much about
bloodsuckers and changlings in the mist! "

At any rate, my life has been taken up with countless Royal engagements
of Kingly proportions and various and sundry attempts at debt dwindling
tactics. A marvelous thought has just entered my lecherous little
mind..I've decided to raise taxes!!

" This way she'll not only love me for my body, but for my quick
thinking mind as well! "

You know that most kings and diplomats have tons of tact and diplomacy,
but due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm afraid I had to have
them surgically removed a few years ago to pay for the new moat which
surrounds my castle walls. I am well known around the palace for
speaking my mind and often putting, not one, but both Royal feet into
my Royal mouth. One lesson I've learned along the way is that when
you're King, no-one dares open a complaint department!

" DGD..Domestic Goddess Deccie has always appreciated the gutwrenching
truth and honesty about my Life as King Quorg. "

I'm afraid that I'll not be able to accept the gracious gift that you
sent earlier this year, although your generosity did overwhelm me.
Those six crocodiles were hideously green, but sported humongous
appetites. They managed to deplete my fastfood supply..you see, I much
prefer to eat those unruly peasants myself. Since I couldn't cope with
the stiff competition, I had them shipped to the neighboring kingdom of
Zwingland. In no time at all, their army will be short handed and I can
take over..enlarge my territory as well as my bank account.

" She will think me both brave and wise. "

Ah, I have heard through the Royal gossipmongers that you are currently
casting your eyes about for a handsome hunk to have your wicked ways
with. I might be able to assist you in this personal matter. The vast
forests surrounding my castle abound with woodcutters who roam
bare-chested with axe in hand. If I can capture one, I will gladly
present him to you as a token of my great esteem. I must make myself
perfectly clear on one point..he is only to be used for cutting wood.
But if you find your fantasies overcoming your common senses, I'd
rather not know. (Besides, you know the unwritten rule:a Goddess can
only mix and mingle with Gods!!!)

" She will picture me as having her best interests at heart. "

Once again I must profusely apologize for the short note, but my
charming assistant has just delivered another outrageous monetary
demand from Portly Princess Kalus Kow to my depleted Royal
treasury.

Speak to you soon,
Yours Always
Quorg

" Perfect, perfect, perfect! I must send this QOD ( Quorg's Overnight
Delivery ) before I chicken out! "

Domestic Goddess Deccie's Erstwhile Reply To King Quorg

" In all fairness to the man, I guess I should reply..."

My Dearest Kingly Quorg,

Yes, I understand about how busy and hectic a King's life can be.

" What I really understand is that he is a lazy lout who couldn't even
get his secretary to write me a short note of apology months ago! In
Quorg's quirky domain, I'm considered nothing more than just another
ego notch in his Royal scepter! "

I have thought long and hard about a monetary contribution to help ease
your tremendous debt. Instead of a nude picture, I think a marble
statue would be more in keeping with my Domestic Goddess good taste. It
would add an elegant touch to my rose gardens..I would be happy to
cover the exorbitant cost, and throw in an extra bonafied bonus for you
personally. I'm sure you would do the same for me if I ever called on
you in a moment of desperation..especially since a Domestic Goddess is
never allowed to sell her body, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, for
fun or profit!

" A picture of Quorg sans Royal Robes..that notion is quite
ridiculous!! But a nude statue of him would do quite nicely in scaring
away those pesty blackbirds! And a calendar..the man is simply
delusional! They would sell as fast as blubber kabobs at a Save The
Whales Foundation fund raiser! "

I am sorry to hear about your troubles with Princess Kalus Kow, but you
can't say I didn't warn you! I told you right from the beginning she
was trouble with a capital ' T. ' If I ever run across her, literally
of figuratively, I will give her a piece of my mind. Better yet, black
rubber skid marks from the screaching tires of my 4-wheel drive
Decciemobile would be a lovely new look across her royal backside for
ruining your untarnished reputation as the greatest King who ever ruled
Quorgania. If either of those approaches do not work then it's off to
meet my psycho psychologist, Count Alucard. He swears on his Mother's
grave that he is related by blood to Count Dracula after he received a
pint of Drac's vamparific Life Force from the local blood bank some
years ago!

" Quorg's troubles began the moment that P.K.K. caught him playing
Palace with her younger sister, the quite stunning Cat's Meow! Now he
spends much of his free time in the Litter Box, trying his best to keep
his Royal Neck and Butt above the Deep End of the
Poo Poo Pool! "

Raising taxes is always a good start to solving money woes. The
peasants will hop on the Royal bandwagon, becoming door to door
salesmen in their effort to help ease your burdens while keeping your
honor and dignity intact!

" Raising taxes is the first step on the way to a Peasant's Revolt! I
plainly see that no earth shattering lessons have been learned in this
Kingly process! Honor and dignity..I think they were removed along with
his tact and diplomacy and 15/16th's of his brain to boot! "

Having Domestic Goddess Greatness thrust upon me at this stage of my
life has changed my poor pitiful attitude in many ways..I spend what
little bit of free time I have in writing my poetry; no, your drunken
eyes do not deceive you..POETRY. And some amusing short stories as my
precious time is limited.

Thankfully, my loyal and trusted friends love my words of wisdom, but
there are those close to me who have evil and disparaging remarks to
make on a daily basis. I am belittled in their eyes because I make no
money at my craft. They don't seem to have a clue, but they will get
their comeuppance shortly!!

Quorgy, you are such a gentleman. Giving the crocs to those less
fortunate than yourself, even though the national debt is skyrocketing
beyond your control. I'm sure that King Zwing accepted them with an
open heart and a great big hug..they were among the most docile, as
well as being the children's favorite reptiles in my petting zoo.

" KQ never had a gentlemanly bone in his entire body..he always has an
ulterior motive when he does something out of the goodness of his
heart. And as far as Zwingy..I hope he knew better than to have
anything to do with those terrible beasts as they were coldblooded
rejects from Steve Irwin's private stockpile of deadly maneaters!
"

Bare chested woodcutters with axes in hand? My heart be still! Send one
on if you would as I can barely contain my cup which is overflowing
with happiness and joy. Yes, I most certainly do mix with Gods, but
haven't you ever gone slumming? An intense adventure into the unknown
can turn into nights of frivolous and dangerous fun..but only if one is
free spirited and open minded!

" I would be paid a kingly sum if I were to make a calendar of
woodcutters sans shirts..that would be every Domestic Goddess's idea of
a calendar to drool over! And if I know Quorg, he would never go
slumming, although he's not above a little hanky-panky in his own
quarters! "

My Dear Friend, I must close as my homeside duties are calling me to
attention.
Please write soon,
DGD
Domestic Goddess Deccie

" I wonder how long it will take for a Kingly response this time
around? "