Little Red Riding Rose

LITTLE RED RIDING ROSE

This story starts with a girl named Rose. She was named this because of
a small, red, rose tattooed on the top of her left breast. One day Rose
was lying in her bedroom listening to 'Screaming Rock Whores off
Madness" her favourite band.. She had just woken about fifteen minutes
beforehand and had put on the C.D to waken herself fully. When she had
made sure her ears were ringing violently and she could hardly hear a
thing she left her room and headed to the kitchen. She walked over to
the fridge and took out a can of Diet Coke. As she slammed the fridge
door shut she noticed there was something stuck to it. It was stuck
with a tacky, plastic, yellow, round smiley-face magnet. She pulled the
note from the door and read it. It said: "Hi Rose,
I had to go out for a while. I need you to do me a favour. Can you go
round to your Granny's house and collect the alimony money from your
father. He sent it there because he lost our address. Thanks.
Mum"
Rose stuffed the note in the bin and opened the can of coke. She
gulped it down quickly and then went to take a shower.
After she had had her shower she began to get ready. She dried her
long, red hair and brushed it. Then she pulled on a little suit with a
black, lace corset attached to an extremely short mini skirt. She put
on a pair of knee high black boots and matching arm gloves, which went
all the way to her elbows. Then she put on a deep shade of red lipstick
and picked up her basket that she always took with her wherever she
went. When people asked about the contents of it she replied, "Merely
for protection". Of course that was the thing about Rose. She was
absolutely stunning, but was a total bimbo. She was completely na?ve
(and for some people this meant that she was easily led into bed.). So
when rose replied, "Merely for protection" people thought that she was
totally gagging for it and carried a basket full of condoms with her in
case she could get a screw.
So with everything in order she set off for her Granny's house. Her
Granny's house was situated at the end of the woods and the woods were
situated at the end of the town so she decided that she would take the
bus. She left her house and left it unlocked (she did this because she
still lived in the fairytale part of town where people could leave
their houses unlocked without people breaking in) and then headed on
towards the bus-stop.
As she walked through the fairytale part of town she skipped to the
tune the flowers and trees were whistling. Suddenly music began to
float in through the air, reaching the busy street. As Rose skipped
past the various residents of Fairytale St. they began to sing. The
first one to burst into song was Tom (the piper's son) "Look there she
goes, that girl called Rose. Just look at her cleavage. I'd love to get
in her pants". Jack (the one who was nimble and quick), picked up on
the tuneful melody ,
"Look there she goes, that girl called Rose. Just look at her hair.
Last week I heard Billy got in her pants".
"Look there she goes, that girl called Rose. She lives next door.
She's such a whore!" sung Cinderella.
The local butcher who overheard Cinderella began to sing,
"Look there she goes, that girl called Rose. I don't know her but
she's hot!" Mr. Jenkins the local lingerie shop owner, who just
happened to be a porcupine, watched her pass by from his shop window,
and sang the depressing, mushy, compulsory part of the song.
"Alas I am a porcupine. I could never hold her. But in my dreams I
imagine and it seems, so real! That we're together!" Moving on from
lovesick porcupines the song continued. Jack (this time the one who
fell down the hill) pointed to his friend Simon (who was a little bit
simple and was rumoured to have met a pie man) and sung
"What are the chances of her with him?" Jill replied with a tuneful
answer
"I'd say they're rather slim" Jack returned to Simon and sang
"Sorry Simon, but you're just too fat!" Simon took a gun to his head
and belted out in Opera style,
"So I'll take my leave with that!" He held the note for around twenty
seconds and then blew his brains in all directions. Jack wiped Simon's
brains from his face before joining the rest of the males in the middle
of the road, oblivious to the traffic that was building up behind them,
for the big finale, and with reference to this song undoubtedly
referring to Rose's breasts in some way. They stood in a triangle shape
and sang,
"All in all she's a bimbo, but she's fine! Fine!! Fine!!! And she's
got big", pause for breath, with arms raised in the air, "Tits!!!!!".
With that the music came to a climatic stop and everyone looked at each
other and complemented them on their tremendous singing before
returning to whatever it was that pointless fairytale characters do all
day.
She approached the bus stop and stood beside Mr. Badger
"Hello Rose", Mr. Badger said. He had a husky voice and always wore a
smile. Mr. Badger owned the local corner-shop.
"Hello Mr. Badger", Rose replied. "How are you today?" she
asked.
" I'm fine. Where are you going today?" he answered.
"I'm going to my Granny's house," she said
"Oh, be careful then," he warned. "The Big Bad Wolf is on the prowl
there, trying to sell brushes. Whatever you do don't buy them. They're
made from badger hair."
"Okay Mr. Badger. Here comes my bus now," she said. She looked over to
see a bright yellow bus coming down the road singing. It had a sign on
it, which read "To Granny's House". When the bus stopped Rose got on
and took a seat. The bus was filled with smiling people who wore
bright, clean clothes. As Rose entered the bus they all said in unison,
"Hello, Oh fair one with the long red hair." Rose waved and took her
seat. The bus came to life effortlessly winding its way down the road.
As the bus left the fairytale part of town the people on the bus
started to manifest and become unhappier fragments of their former
selves. Their smiles were replaced with straight mouths and their
pretty faces changed into ugly, unshaven, grubby faces. Their hair
became scruffy and their clothes were torn and dirty. They all had dog
ends either suspended from their mouths or hanging from their thumb and
forefinger. Their teeth were stained yellow and the bus started to
stink of urine. The bus itself was changing too. It became slow and
wheezy, it's engine coughing and sputtering. Windows began to smash
from bricks being thrown by the children playing on the street. Rose,
however, did not change. She stayed the same, and she did not seem to
notice the change. The outside streets had changed too. Litter lay
everywhere and cardboard boxes lay about with people huddled in them,
trying to protect themselves from the cold wind. They had entered the
tinky part of town. The bus crawled over to a bus stop, which consisted
of a rusted, metal pole and a cardboard sign with the words "Buz Stop"
on it. This was written in faded paint, which had smudged with the
rain. There were people standing at the bus stop. They all wore long,
thick, wax jackets which were torn and smelled of sweat and they all
had their mouths and chin under their jackets to shield them from the
biting wind. As Rose stepped off the bus she seemed oblivious to the
cold and made her way to the woods. She walked, holding her basket, her
hips swaying from side to side. She walked gracefully and like a model.
As she walked many of the townspeople offered her radishes and nuts and
bolts in return for "favours", which she ignored. The woods came into
view and they loomed ahead of her. A few minutes later she had arrived.
As she entered the woods she heard owls hooting and eagles screeching
and she began to get afraid. Out of the corners of her eyes she saw
shadows quickly dash back and forth and she was sure someone was
following her. She walked slowly and cautiously until suddenly she
heard a howl coming from behind her. She spun around on her heels, fear
in her eyes, to find a big wolf. It was a bad wolf. It was a big, bad,
wolf. In fact it was the Big Bad Wolf. It wore a tweed jacket and had a
pair of legless glasses perched upon its nose. It had a long, snarling,
snout and a wet black nose. It's eyes we're big and yellow and had a
slight hypnotic effect. It had a big, sturdy upper body and a bushy
tail. His claws were razor sharp and in one hand he carried a brief
case. Little Red Riding Rose gasped and took a step back. The wolf
chose his moment carefully and in a flash he had whipped open the
suitcase and laid it on the stump of a tree trunk. In the brief case
there were several brushes of several different sizes.
"My what big eyes you have", Red Riding Rose said.
"All the better to see you with my dear", the wolf replied. He had a
thick British accent and all the time he spoke he was staring directly
into her eyes.
"My what big ears you have", she said.
"I do not", he said moving his hands up to his ears protectively.
"Cheeky bitch!" he muttered.
"Sorry", Rose whispered. "My what a big brush you have"
"All the better to sweep with, my dear." the wolf began, "And a
bargain at only five ninety nine." He picked up the brush and assumed
salesman stance. "It's made with real badger hair and is a bargain at
twice the price. And if you buy today you won't have to pay a single
penny until the year three thousand. Plus if you buy this now you'll
get this knife that cuts through almost nothing absolutely free!" He
stopped, his eyes wide, breathing hard.
"I'm sorry", she said. "I'm not interested. And plus I've got to go to
grannies house to collect the alimony money my father sent."
"Alimony money?" the wolf enquired, packing his brushes back into his
suitcase. "Do you, ahem? perhaps know how much money it is?"
"No, I don't know the exact amount, but I know it's a lot of money.
Absolutely oodles and oodles of it." she replied, brushing her red hair
from her face with her hand.
"Hmm" the wolf said, stroking his chin. Suddenly a light bulb appeared
above his head and started to glow. Naturally the wolf ducked and
shielded his head with his arms, as anybody would do if a light bulb
appeared above their head. The light bulb vanished and the wolf stood
up, brushing some dust from his jacket.
" Hey, I know you", Rose said. "You're that wolf who got his ass
kicked by those little pigs."
" Yeah, well." He said. Suddenly he pointed overhead. "Look, a flat
toed, pot bellied flying elephant called Alf!" he exclaimed.
"Really, you know he still hasn't called", she said, spinning round to
see. At that moment the Big Bad Wolf lifted his suitcase and brought it
down hard on Rose's head. Rose was out like a light. The wolf ran off
leaving Rose lying sprawled on the path.
He clutched his briefcase with both hands and hugged it as he ran,
snickering.
Ten minutes later he reached grannies house. It was a small cottage
with a bright red door and small, square windows. There was a small
garden out front with a white fence enclosing the house and garden. The
wolf opened the gate in the fence and entered the garden, approaching
the front door.
Meanwhile, in Grannies house Granny was sitting hunched over her potty
peeing like there was no tomorrow when suddenly there was a knock at
the door. Now an old Granny who lives in the middle of the woods by
herself doesn't get very many visitors, and so it was because of this
very reason that granny decided that the visitor must want to kill her.
Taking this into consideration she decided that she would not answer
and hope that the visitor would leave. Unfortunately the visitor didn't
leave and continued to knock, so granny decided that she would
hide.
The wolf knocked and knocked on the small red door. There was no
answer, so he opened the door a fraction and peered in. The house was
scarcely furnished and was very dark. The windows were all steamed up.
"Hello", the wolf called. There was no reply. He pushed the door open
some more. "Hello?" the wolf called again. He pushed the door fully
open. There was a loud creaking noise. The wolf paused at the door to
see if the granny would come, but as he suspected, she didn't. He
walked slowly into the house and said, "Hello, I'm here on behalf of
the BBW Brush Corporation. I was wondering if you might mind sampling
some of our products?" He was in the middle of the room now. Suddenly
the door slammed shut and the wolf turned just in time to see the
granny smash him over the head with her potty. The wolf died instantly.
Granny stood over the body and looked down at it.
"No good, dirty, wolf." she said. She bent down to pick up the body
and she touched the wolf's head. It was bleeding. She saw she had blood
on her hand so she decided to go to the bathroom and wash it off, but
after she had got rid of the body. She opened the front door and
dragged the body round the back of the house and left it there for the
bin men to get rid of. Then she traipsed to the front door and entered
the house, leaving a bloody handprint on the handle.
Rose came to and was aware of a throbbing sensation at the back of her
head. She pulled herself up and leaned against a tree for a few
minutes, hoping that the pain would go away. Now, as anyone who has
been hit on the back of the head with a suitcase full of brushes will
tell you, the pain does not go away by itself. Rose decided that this
would not do, as she had to get to Grannies house quickly, so she
searched inside her basket. She produced a large pill in a paper
packet, which read "Pain relief for people who have been hit on the
head with a suitcase full of brushes. Instructions for use: shove in
gob and swallow." She ripped open the packet and placed the large pill
in her mouth. She swallowed it and immediately her head stopped
throbbing. She was about to throw the packet away when she saw
something written in small print. She squinted as she read it aloud,
"Warning! May cause people to turn into a monkey for a few minutes." No
sooner had she read this she shrunk and became hairy all over. She grew
a tail and her face changed to that of a monkey's. "Shoot!" she
cried.
A few minutes later Rose had returned to normal. She decided that she
had had enough, and she was going to get to Granny's house. She picked
up her basket and marched down the pathway, leading deeper into the
woods.
Rose was lost. She looked around in wonder wondering where she was. It
was then that she noticed a trail of breadcrumbs on the ground. She
decided to follow the trail seeing as she was lost and had nothing
better to do. She followed the breadcrumbs past acres and acres of
trees, until she came upon a small cottage. The cottage was made out of
chocolate and sweets and smelt delicious. She ran over to the house and
started licking the chocolate walls. She tore a piece of the liquorice
windowsill away and started munching on that. She noticed that there
was a doorknocker on the door so she decided to knock it. Now the
doorknocker being made from metal and the door being made from pizza
the doorknocker went right through the pizza door. She withdrew her
hand from the gaping hole and peered in. On the other side of the door
there was a pair of eyes gazing back at her. "Snow white", the
high-pitched voice exclaimed. "You've come back!" Suddenly the door
flew open and six dwarfs came rushing out. They each wore small hats
like garden gnomes and had working dungarees on. They screeched to a
halt when they saw Rose. "You're not Snow White", said one of
them.
"No I'm not. I'm Red Riding Rose", Rose replied. As she said this she
was counting them. "Aren't there supposed to be seven of you?" she
asked. With this they all took their hats off in unison and looked at
the ground.
"Alas", one of them said mournfully, "Dopey cannot be here today to
meet you. He was killed last week in a cave- in down in the mines." He
had already started crying.
"That's awful", Rose said. "Well I hope you can all live happily ever
after with just six of you. I'd better go to Granny's house. Bye", she
said. They waved and shut the pizza door.
At Grannies house Granny had just settled down to a nice T.V dinner.
She ripped open the lid of the T.V dinner and looked down at the measly
portion. There were three beans lying in the plastic container. "Bah!",
Granny said, throwing the beans out of the window. The beans landed
with a soft thud on the ground outside and were sucked into the earth.
Suddenly grannies house shot up into the air, carried on a beanstalk
with a giant peach castle at the top. Granny saw the giant peach castle
and decided to investigate. She went into her garage and strapped
herself into her jetpack. She then turned on the thrusters and away she
went, flying into the castle.
Rose wandered through the forest searching for grannies house, with no
avail. Suddenly she heard a loud shriek from behind her. She spun
around and saw the gingerbread man running towards her. He jumped up to
her and stood on her chest. "Please" he said in a very high pitched
voice "You gotta save me. They're after me. Please hide me!".
"Okay" Rose said, stuffing him into her mouth, then swallowing. Rose
licked her fingers and continued along the path on the long and lonely
search for Grannies house. Soon after the gingerbread man incident she
came across a signpost saying "Grannies House, That way. Go if you wish
to live" There was another part of the sign saying "The deep and dark,
murky swamp where everyone evil lives, that way. Go if you wish to
die!" The signs both had big arrows pointing either left or right. Now,
as you're all well aware, monkeys are illiterate and due to being
turned into a monkey, Rose had too become illiterate. She therefore
could not read the signs and chose the most mature decision making
device known to man. She chose the Green Gob Decision-maker. For those
of you unfamiliar with this method, as I'm sure you all are as I've
just made it up, I will explain. What she did was spat a huge piece of
green spit in each of her hands. She then slapped them onto the signs
at the same time. The first string of gob to reach the ground wins. As
she watched in suspense both strings were at roughly the same distance.
Then suddenly the gob attached to the swamp sign fell and landed on the
ground with a strong SHLOP! It was decided then. She'd go in the
direction of what she thought was Grannies house, but was really the
swamp. As she was about to set off the binman came driving along in his
lorry. He slowed down when he saw Rose.
"Hello, hello, hello" he muttered to himself as he wound down the
window. "What have we here?" he asked Rose.
"Hi, my name's Rose", she replied. "I'm on my way to Grannies' house
and I?"
"Say no more" he interrupted and opened the door. "It just so happens
I'm on my way to Grannies house. I'll give you a lift. Hop in" and with
that Rose climbed in the lorry. As they drove the binman said, "I think
you should be thanking someone"
"Oh. Thank you!" she said.
"No not me." The binman said. "The kind author Mr. Tomlinson for
writing me in and saving your pretty little arse. If I hadn't been
created you would've died for sure."
"Gosh!" said Rose. "Thank you Mr. Tomlinson" she said to me. I said,
"You're welcome" and was locked up for talking to my computer
screen.

The lorry rolled along the dusty path and stopped gently beside a huge
beanstalk emerging from the ground where Granny's house had once stood
in all its glory. "Well we're here" said the binman, climbing out of
the truck. He hoisted Granny's rubbish up and threw the black, shiny
bags into the crusher. It gobbled the rubbish up and licked its lips.
The binman picked up the Big Bad Wolf and threw him in the crusher as
well. The giant mechanical beast chomped on the furry creature and spat
blood everywhere all over the binman. Rose climbed out of the van and
walked over to the binman.
"Thank you very much" she said, holding out a mucus covered hand. The
binman shook it with a wet, red, sticky hand of his own and jumped back
into his truck. He sped off into the distance and fell off a cliff.
Rose walked over to the giant beanstalk and looked up. It seemed like
there was no top, and no possible way up. She began to try and climb
up, taking a running jump. She backed away a few metres and then began
to run at the beanstalk full tilt. When she was about half a metre away
from it she jumped, really quite high. She slammed into the beanstalk
with a very loud thud and slid down. "Well" she commented. "That didn't
work". She was repositioning her nose when she just happened to look up
at the sky at that exact moment and time and there just happened to be
a huge, flying, giant pterodactyl who just happened to be friendly,
could talk and understand humans. The giant pterodactyl (whose name was
Frank) spied Rose's cleavage and made his way downwards. He circled the
air above Rose's head and then landed beside her.
"Hello" said Frank the pterodactyl.
"Hi" replied Rose. "I was wondering if you could help me?"
"I'm sure I can be of some assistance" answered Frank.
"Well I'm looking for Grannies' house, and it was here earlier on, but
now it's gone and this huge beanstalk is in its place and I have to
collect my Mum's alimony money form her".
"Well" said Frank thoughtfully. "You seem to have quite the
predicament. I'll tell you what. I'll fly you up to the top of the
beanstalk on one condition."
"And what might that be?" asked Rose.
"You have to marry me!" he said.
"Yeah, okay." Agreed Rose. She climbed aboard Frank the Pterodactyl's
back and Frank took off. He flew upwards and upwards towards the top of
the beanstalk. Soon enough Grannies' house appeared at the top. Frank
landed beside the red door, which was slightly ajar. Rose climbed off
Frank and walked slowly towards the door for dramatic effect. As she
got nearer the door she cried out. "Granny!" There was no answer. She
shouted again "Granny!" There was still nothing. It was then she
noticed the blood on the doorknob. She took a sharp intake of breath
and swallowed a fly. After a few moments of retching and gagging she
felt okay and remembered what had happened. She put her basket on the
ground and knelt down beside it. She carefully opened it up and took
out a series of metal objects. After many moments of clicking and a few
seconds of snapping she stood up with an M16 held firmly in her hands
and said to nobody in particular, "Merely for protection!" and
everybody got the joke. She turned around and faced Frank and shot him
with a quick spray of bullets. Frank recoiled and screamed ala Michael
Jackson. He staggered backwards towards the edge of the beanstalk and
stood there, half on, half off, for a few moments for suspense. He then
plummeted towards the ground. However he was still alive and remembered
he could fly. So he began to flap his wings. However at this exact
moment he passed a village of Hobbits that had accidentally been caught
in the beanstalk and one of them was practising a fire-eating act. The
Hobbit blew fire onto Frank's wings, burning them and setting them
alight. Frank's wings disintegrated and he began to fall again. He
plummeted into the bushes and soon set them alight. Suddenly the Fire
Brigade came to the rescue. They quickly put out the fire, and called
the police to arrest Frank for setting the bushes on fire.
Meanwhile, back at the top of the beanstalk, I looked at Rose in
disbelief. "Why did you kill Frank?" I asked.
"He wanted me to marry him." She replied.
"Oh I see" I said, and the nurse took away my computer
privileges.

Rose turned to face Granny's house and quickly spied the giant peach
castle. "Hmm" she said to herself. " I wonder if Granny used her
jetpack to fly to that giant peach castle?" She felt a tap on the
shoulder and turned around to see a giant green grasshopper staring her
in the face.
"Actually" he began " That's exactly what happened." Rose shrieked and
aimed the gun at him. He immediately threw up his arms and yelled
"Don't shoot. I'm a musician".
"Who are you?" Rose demanded still aiming the gun at the
grasshopper.
"I'm Mr. Green Grasshopper the second" the grasshopper replied.
"The second?" Rose said. "Was your father called Mr. Green Grasshopper
as well?"
"No, it's just to avoid a lawsuit, those people will do anything for
the Roald Dahl children's fund, bastards!"
Rose rolled her eyes. "Okay" she breathed and walked off. Suddenly a
giant spider landed in front of Rose. Rose fired her M-16 and the
spider fell to the ground. It coughed.
"Merde!" it said with it's last breath. Rose turned around to face the
grasshopper, who was in floods of tears.
"Sorry" she said. "A friend of yours?" He nodded and blubbered. "God"
she sighed and walked off into Grannies shed. She stood in the cold
dark room and looked around, until she found what she was looking for.
There in the corner, half-hidden under a blue and sparkly cloth sat a
flying teacup, and right beside the teacup were the teacup keys. Rose
walked over to the keys and picked them up. They made that jangly sound
that keys tend to make and she opened the door to the teacup. She sat
down on the leather set and turned on and revved up the engine.
Suddenly the teacup sped out of the shed and up into the air, passing
the ant priest ,who was conducting a funeral service for the spider.
The teacup flew around the sky, in and out of the clouds. Rose stopped
at a red light suspended in mid air. Another flying teacup pulled up
beside her, with a T-Bird in it. He looked over at Rose, chewing his
gum. He pulled out his comb and looked in his mirror, fixing his little
twizzle at the front. He revved his engine and then looked back at
Rose, who had gone when the light turned green.
Finally Rose reached the giant peach castle and stopped the teacup.
She got out and stood in front of the huge wooden doors. They loomed in
front of her like two, huge, looming pieces of shit. Rose walked close
to the door and worked her way through one of the cracks. She looked
around the castle. It was huge with tartan drapes hung from the walls.
Rose spied a huge head covered in black, tangly hair. Rose walked
slowly over to it. As she got closer she saw the giant sitting on a
giant chair at a giant table snogging Rose's tiny granny. "Granny!"
Rose shouted.
"Agrhhhh!" Rose's Granny screamed as she fell from the giant's palm
from where she had been standing on. She crashed to the floor with a
thud.
"Granny!" Rose screamed again and ran over to her. Her granny lay on
the ground with blood oozing from her back. "Oh my God, are you
alright?" she asked. Her Granny opened her eyes.
"What in God's green earth- of which we are far, far away from- are
you doing here Rose?" Granny asked. Rose stood up and placed her hands
on her hips. She frowned and her eyes looked upwards, all the way to
Page 1 and she reminded herself of the actual point of this entire
story.
"I came to collect the alimony money my father sent to you." Rose
replied. She then noticed the blood. "EEK!" she screamed. "You're
bleeding!" Granny got up off the ground to reveal a very squished and
very much exploded strawberry sauce bottle.
"Foolish girl" Granny muttered, wiping her backside with her hands,
getting them covered in strawberry sauce. "Any way, I can't remember
what I did with that money. Now let me think?" As she thought she
scratched her head and proceeded to get her hand stuck to her thin,
cotton-wool hair. She began to tug at her hand with her other hand and
managed to let go of her hair revealing a small area of scalp with the
number '666' written on it. She quickly covered it over with some
candyfloss. "Aah yes, I remember" she continued. "The money is down my
top, I put it there for safe keeping." She reached down her top, all
the way to her knees and pulled out a slightly crumpled, cobweb covered
envelope with the money. She blew the cobwebs off and handed it to
Rose.
"Thanks" Rose said and was about to put it down her top, but then
decided against it. Just then the enormous giant named 'The BUG' (The
Big Ugly Giant), but wasn't actually as ugly as people said, came
over.
"Um, exthcuth me, but we were kind of in the middle of thomething."
Needless to say he spoke with a lisp.
"Oh, of course." Rose said and began to walk away. Suddenly she spied
a mushroom growing out of one of the cracks in the floor. She walked
over to it and picked a bit off. Now, Rose being an experienced
mushroom eater, she ate it, but you, not being one, shouldn't. Suddenly
she grew and grew and grew until she was as tall as the BUG. Well, you
can imagine the eyeful Granny got, but that's beside the point. Rose
looked at the giant. "What's happened to me?" she asked.
"You've eaten one of thothe Muthhrooms that Alithe ate in that Dithney
film" BUG replied. He bent down and picked up another mushroom. "Here"
he said. "Take thith". Rose ate the mushroom and down she went,
shrinking and shrinking until she was her normal size again.
"Thanks" she sighed. "Wait a minute!" she exclaimed, and picked up a
piece of the first mushroom. She handed it over to Granny. Granny
nibbled at the mushroom and up she sprang, like a big Granny jack in
the box. Granny and the giant hugged and kissed and Rose waved goodbye
to them. She exited the castle and got back in the flying teacup. She
flew all the way back home in the teacup, stopping at a Little Chef for
a plate of chips and quail eggs on the way. When she got home she
passed through the front room where they were filming the Antiques
Roadshow and presented her mother with the envelope. Her mother lay on
the counter quite dead, as Rose had taken quite a while to get the
money and her mother had starved to death. So Rose and Alf the
flat-toed, pot-bellied, flying elephant lived happily ever after.

The End