Modern World - July 23 2002

06.51 am I woke up about 15 minutes after the first alarm and went
downstairs and fed the cats, then I wrote my diary, and I am watching
the clock and trying to do everything at the same time. I am listening
to In The City at the present. I put it on when I need to think, the
sounds go through my brain, the first song is Art School, and now it is
I've Changed My Address. Well, sometimes, I am sure we all want to get
out, to leave, to escape, to go some place different, cause we see some
dreams runnning away and we are trying to find out what we feel and
what we think. Looking for what we need to be happy.

Its the season for feeling weird. I went to work and spent the morning
testing the app as I have been and then at lunchtime I rang ... and we
had a long chat underneath Lloyds, and I had so much to say and so
little time to say it. And sometimes I couldnt hear ... at all because
of the noise from the bus. And there were things I had to explain, to
tell them and what I think about this that and the other. And I really
like them, know what I mean?

Then I posted the CDs I had copied from the post office. "Hello? Yes
that will be 84 pence, and 52 pence for the big envelope." I am sitting
on the floor writing out the address and thinking about putting a
letter in it, but what to say, what to do, what it means. I seal up the
envelope and hope ... likes the CDs.

I bought panini (pastrami) and my latte in Starbucks which I scoffed in
the office, then it was back to work.

My testing, and another major bug sorted out. I got the train home and
I read "Sophie's World" for a bit before my head got full and I wrote
another poem of sorts on the laptop. And it's just words, words we are
trying to say to each other.

I got in and spent part of the evening watching tv and having tea with
my wife. And we make jokes about me moving out to stay with my brother.
His girlfriend has moved out and is staying with friends. He said to me
that he was pleased I was talking to my wife about stuff we needed to,
no more kicking it under the carpet and wishing it would go away. Seems
that if his girlfriend is away for good, then he will stick with the
new house and rent a room, and maybe I should stay with him, give my
wife some space, away from the numbers. But life is never that easy.
This is the modern world you know, and people we love and care about we
dont know what the feck happens but we keep hoping it will straighten
out. My brother said to me he felt quite calm about things as do I, as
it is the memories that drown us at times. I said to my wife that if I
did stay there with my brother it would be like Bottom, because believe
me he doesnt keep a clean kitchen. She laughed at that. And I love her,
and if it meant moving out just so that she could get her stuff
together then I would have to go, although I would be in enemy
territory really deep.

... is not the cause, but more the reaction. I need them to keep me
sane. It's hard you know when you feel about someone like that. I dont
make the rules, it just happens. I think though that without ... I
would never have opened my heart like I have. We all need space to
think, to walk the streets looking for new, trying to understand what
we feel.

I had a long chat with ... then I had to watch Big Brother. Given
tuppence I would have stayed on chat, and I did when BB had finished,
because we were getting quite close and then I have to stop everything
and watch the tv, and my wife said if I got to bed that late again, I
would be sleeping on the couch downstairs like Jade has been doing.
Yeah its the season for feeling weird. I am trying to connect to ...
and when I am talking to them I sometimes stumble in what I am saying.
Because it is in my head and what I do I dont know. Its just
happening.

I think about them in the morning, and I call them at lunchtime and I
talk with them at night, even to the midnight hour and then we got to
bed separately because thats what we do. We are talking and climbing up
the ladder then we slide down the snakes. Try it some time. The ladder
is very high, and the snakes are very long.

There are people I know like me, like my brother, like ... and we are
all trying to be happy and work it out. Take the time to see what it is
that we all want.

Direction Creation Reaction
This Is The Modern World