My long distance lover

LONG DISTANCE LOVER

Anyone who's had you for a lover for 40 years
Anyone who's had you for his cook for 40 years
Mother to his brood for 40 years
Anyone who's had 40 years of your obstinacy
Your financial finagling
Et cetera!
Will be a tired but happy man

Now you neglect me to learn French
To buy a house in France
To study art and paint nude blokes

Shall I tell you what first attracted me?
It was your legs in rented white pumps at the bowling alley
And the way your bum and breasts strained at that blue wool dress
When you thundered the bowls along the lane

You gave us a rich life on my poor pay
Splendiferous nosh, superlative kids and and the best wines
And the banks must be as puzzled as me

When will the bill come in? No, don't tell me

You are filled with the same eagerness
Delighted in people, books, places
No wonder you are always exhausted at six o clock or earlier
And make me exhausted, too
Though you claim I was born exhausted
(Not true - just a trifle yawny)

How did you survive me?
I was such an overpowering personality
Remember?
I dominated you and mastered you
For all of fifteen minutes

I am still always anxious about your whereabouts
Jealous of your many absences
I'm always forgetting where you've gone
Because you go to so many places
Like a sheepdog who climbs the fell four times
While I'm climbing it once
I don't know how to stop you
Perhaps a large wooden mallet

A typical moment was when we stocked up on Durex
Then you found you were pregnant and returned them to the shop
And bought a Christmas tree with the money
Rosie all over!

From all this you sound quite a character
Which will surprise you
Because you always think you're not quite good enough
Hence all that frantic activity
And trying to beat me at the Times crossword

But you really are an amazing phenomenon
And definitely a saint
And (what will please you most -
I still know how to flatter you)
Still as sexy as Marilyn or Bardot

What possessed you to pick me?
No, don't tell me