My Personal Farmer (Bonus Pack)
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**** Main feature ****
I am Marvin The Pig and I am the most interesting creature alive so you will be fascinated to hear all about me. I live on Farm, which is everywhere. I haven't seen anywhere that isn't Farm, and that could only be because there isn't anywhere else. I have a personal farmer whose name is Jones. I have never seen Jones, although I believe in him and deduce his existence from his Good Works.
Jones created Farm for me. On the first day he created Sty and all the scratching places thereof. On the second he created mud, that I might wallow. On the third he created potato peelings, that I might eat my fill. On the fourth day he scratched his balls, smoked his pipe and returned whence he came, to Pub.
Jones was lonely and created Pig, that I might be his pet. I was put in Sty, the Garden of Eating, and feasted on swill. Jones sent his only Wife to Sty to keep my feeding trough full. I praised him with every grunt.
When I got big enough to see over the walls, I noticed lights twinkling like potato peelings in the night sky. They weren't close enough to eat so I quickly lost interest. Soon after that I grew big enough to break the walls of the sty, which must have been Jones's will since they were so poorly built, and went out to explore Farm.
If I get a bucket of potato peelings (sorry to go on about them but they are my favourites) I'll tell you what I found there.
**** Sneak Preview ****
In part two of this heartwarming tale, Farmer buys me a pony and I learn to ride. In return I teach him to root for roots. He buys a metal nose to assist his grubbing. He lends me a pair of trousers and we go grouse shooting. I teach the farm cat how to catch mice by leaping in the air and landing on them, belly first. Some of this might actually be true.
**** Director's Commentary ****
Marvin was a pleasure to work with. No matter how much we fed him, he was always keen to eat more. We repeated one munching shot twenty-seven times and he never tired. Eventually we achieved what I believe will come to be known as Farm's definitive swill sequence. The grunts were magnificent.
**** Bonus Items ****
The Making of Marvin The Pig
Marvin is made from finest quality pork. Farmer made a wire frame and covered it with sausage meat until it was roughly the shape of a pig. He then attempted to bring it to life by the gift of electricity. Luckily the dogs ate it before it went smelly and Farmer bought a proper pig at a livestock auction.
**** Deleted scenes ****
Marvin emerges from his sleeping area and sniffs the air. An apple flies over the wall of his sty. It is a whole one with some tasty brown patches. Marvin gulps it down, squealing with delight.
Marvin rolls in the mud, has a poo, and rolls some more.
Marvin is in philosophical mood and squints at the sky. He sees nothing to eat there and concludes that philosophy is a waste of a pig's valuable eating time.
Wife loses her pearl necklace in the mud of the sty. Marvin eats it.
Marvin learns how silk purses are made. He is delighted not to be a sow but all the same is very wary when Wife fondles his ears.