Saki Malarkey

Saki Malarkey: A Mindful of Nothing Helps the Medicine go Down

The plane seared through the last few treetops forming the border
between the jungle canopy and the clearing before slamming into the
earth, ripping open its belly and gouging its human contents into the
underlying vegetative carpet. The displaced dust and matter swirled
chaotically in the air with the violent interruption until gravity and
the micro thermal currents overcame the foreign particles inertia and
redirected their movement.

Everything settled.

That is except for the one human survivor who despite serious cuts and
bruises, a suspected broken wrist, and probably a cracked rib or two,
was able to climb out of the wreckage and utter these its first words
on seeing the dismembered bodies of the two pilots and the other two
passengers
.... "Oh shit!"

For a human this was a remarkably insightful assessment of its
predicament. So thought the tiger that was watching the human clamber
out of the aeroplane. It smacked its jaws and ran its tongue over as
much of the fur on its muzzle as possible. Just so it felt right.

The human was far to busy detaching its limbs from the twisted wreckage
to see the tiger enter the clearing. Then the human was so busy looking
at its wristwatch to discover the time of day. It failed to see the
tiger lazily pad right up to it. The human had worked out it was lunch
time when it finally raised its head and saw the huge beast just
footfalls away, eyes completely focused and its jaw dripping with
saliva. A huge stained tooth could be seen edging its way out of the
tiger's rough black gum.
Canine. For parting flesh.

The human tried to scream but no sound came out. It was too scared to
move. The two animals stood there looking at each other. The tiger was
the first to act. It began to rock its head from side to side and what
seemed like a low growl began to develop somewhere in its belly. The
human tried again to scream but started to slowly tumble backwards
towards the aeroplane. It had lost control of its body as the human
mind is want to do. The tiger started to move its jaw.
"Hi! ... No, I really mean that. Hi!"

The human stopped moving and stared at the tiger wondering if it had
lost control of its mind as well.

"Hello." The tiger repeated. The human stared.
"Can't you talk?" The tiger inquired. "Cat got your tongue? ... Heh,
heh! Sorry. I couldn't resist that one. You weren't hurt in the crash.
I do hope you're all right."
The human stared some more before its mouth finally made a sound.
"No ... No ... I'm f-fine. How are you?" came stuttering out.
"I'm fine as well. Well that's the ice broken. Ah, I can see by your
face you're confused. Well, let me clear matters up for you. Yes, your
aeroplane has just crashed. Yes, you survived, and yes, your here with
me and I'm talking to you. I can talk as can every other tiger on this
world, as in fact, can every other creature on this world ... Now I
know what you're thinking. This is the Earth right? Right. This is the
Earth. It's the same old planet you decided to leave when you entered
the air in that metal thing." The tiger nodded at the wreckage behind
the human, shivered and flicked its ears. "I knew it would all end
horribly. Just because you've got two legs doesn't mean you're a
bird!"

*

They stomped through the jungle together for hours. Sometimes the human
would ride on the tiger's back but mostly it followed behind, but in
the clearings they occasionally came across it would increase its pace
to pull alongside the rolling muscular shoulderblades of the old
feline.

"So your telling me all of the human race ... The entire civilisation
as I know it ..." The human raised out both of its arms in front in a
grandiose sweeping gesture but quickly withdrew its right arm when its
wrist started to hurt.
"Auw! Auw!" It stopped to clutch its wrist, then realised it was
falling behind the tiger so jogged slightly to catch up, hurt its wrist
again but this time kept pace while holding it. "So you're telling me
the human race was put here ages ago by a race of beings called the ...
What were they called again?"
"The Aiags." The tiger didn't take its eyes off the way ahead.
"That's right! The Aiags from planet ... Where were they from?"
"Planet Benzine."
"The Aiags from planet Benzine! Come on!"
The tiger stopped and turned around to face the human.
"It wasn't just the humans that were put here. Every animal you can
find on this planet originally came from the Aiags." It turned and
continued on its route. "What is it with you humans. Always me, me,
me!"

"Oh yeah. That's right. Every animal I can see came from these Aiags.
And why did they create this wonderful cross section of life? For a
party! Yep. A party!"
"That's right." The old tiger was beginning to sound disinterested by
the length of time it was taking the human to comprehend the facts of
the situation.
"... And to top it all. The ark on top of this particular creationist
Mount Ararat is that we humans are really the least intelligent of all
the creatures on the Earth. That the Aiags made us think we were the
most intelligent just so they could have a party when we realised that
we weren't!"
Oh hallelujah! Thought the tiger.

"If this is true. Why are you telling me now? Isn't that spoiling the
party. I mean when all this gets out."

"Precisely." The tiger stopped and faced the human once more. Licking
the fur around its muzzle as it did so. Just so it felt right. "Look.
I'm getting old now. I'm too tired for all this running around. All
I've got left is my mind. My ability to think. You humans wonder what's
out there don't you. Well if you do and you are the least intelligent
of all us creatures don't you think everyone else is thinking the same
thing. We all want to see some different existence. We're tired of
having to behave as though we're less intelligent than you humans. If
we waited for you to realise what was going on we'd be here for an
eternity. Even the Aiags have started to give up interest. They haven't
been to check up on you now for two thousand years. Last time they were
here they let it be known that this was the longest wait they'd ever
endured for a party. I personally don't want to wait any longer. Hence,
I'm telling you so that you can pass it on to the rest of your fellows
and we can all move on to something different." The tiger started to
turn back to the path and thought better of it.
"I'm getting old. I'm too tired for all this running around." With that
it did turn back and continued padding through the jungle.

The human stopped to think for a while still holding its wrist before
jogging to catch up. "OK. OK. How far is this human camp we're heading
for now? You do know where it is don't you?"
"Not far. Just over that slight hill ahead ... Look this is as far as I
go with you."
"You're not coming into the camp?"
"No. I'm not going into the camp. You humans don't react to well to our
presence. It always tends to end badly for either of us."
"But how do you expect them to believe me when I don't have any
evidence. I mean I believe you because you explained it all to me. When
I explain it to them it's just not going to be the same. I need
proof."

The tiger surveyed the scene and looked despondently at its paws.
"All right. All right. If you can't convince them and only if you can't
convince them head back out to the aeroplane wreckage in two days time
and I'll be there at midday and I'll do what I can."
"Great. Great. They're bound to believe it when you tell them." The
human went to pat the tiger on the head and thought the better of
it.
"Just go. I'm getting too old for all of this. I just want to get it
over."

The human started to walk away through the clearing ahead towards the
slight hill in the distance. It turned back once to see if the tiger
was still standing there. It wasn't. The tiger was loping off into the
jungle in the opposite direction. The human smiled to itself and walked
on.

The tiger made a semi circle in the jungle and so turned back on itself
watching the human to make sure it made it safely to the clearing. The
tiger was getting old. Too tired for all the running around. It was
true it only had its mind left. The tiger watched the human walk into
the clearing and into the path of its resting family, who, not
believing their luck pounced and parted its flesh.

"Stupid creature!" The tiger thought to itself.