Smile!

Smile!

"Fate is a timeless, life-developing laboratory, and there, hidden
away in a trillion microchips, are the secrets to our universe."
(A.B.Lever)

When I was conceived - a bloody miracle if you think about the odds of
that happening: Precisely One in Twenty-four Million, Nine-Hundred and
Ninety-nine Thousand, Nine-Hundred and Ninety-nine) - My entire genetic
code - that's right, every coordinate; street-name and area code
pertaining to my genealogy - was dispatched to the Laboratory of Fate
somewhere in America. When the details of my life arrived there, they
were stored initially in a filing cabinet though later as technology
saw to it, on computer. My personal details, ID number, and Fate-file
(containing all the significant information of my life thus far, and
beyond) were safely kept at the Laboratory - and still are to this
day.

What happened was that on the Twenty-Third of July, Nineteen
Seventy-Five at precisely 10.11 P.M (eight months, twenty-seven days,
twelve hours and five minutes before I was born), my genetic code
arrived at The Laboratory and ever since, I've been being processed.
This, among other things, means I am Twenty-Six. My mother disagrees
with me on this point and swears blind I am Twenty-Five - and if one
subtracts today's date from the date on my birth certificate she is
indeed right; one is left with the sum of twenty-five years and five
months; etc. However, I share Chinese people's view on when precisely
age begins and A.B.Lever's, as I don't understand how you, and in
particular my mother, can dismiss the fetal period of existence as
inanimate. Don't worry, I'm not an anti-abortionist; merely an
Enlightener "Fate develops us inside our mothers wombs as much as it
develops us outside of them." I know this as A.B Lever, my Divine
Mentor, told me so.

It is three years ago to this day since I first encountered Him, and
His divine path of righteousness. Though let me first take you back a
few months prior to that blessed day?

Yes, once upon a time during a turbulent period in my life - a time
spent desperately seeking, but never ever finding; spent troubled by
matters of the heart but more so by matters of the financial (my bank
manager and several loan-sharks were seriously after my behind) - I
happened upon a meeting in Spring Clean launderette.

Rather I was accosted; by a man unfit to be in a launderette. Unfit for
he was too dashing, sharply dressed and sure of himself to be washing
his clothes in a launderette. Maybe a dry-cleaners, but not a
launderette. So it was to my surprise that he was there in the first
place and even more to my surprise that he found myself a magnet that
he felt compelled to unite with. His first words to me were this:
"Hi, I'm Gary - pleased to meet you."
On the face of it ordinary - with hindsight 'ordinary' the very reason
why they were so brilliant.
"The first words you say to any new acquaintance can acquaint you
positively with that person for life."
Indeed to this day I remain positively acquainted with Gary who's
opening line that day appeared to change my life.

The following day, laundry neatly folded and put away, I awoke with a
purpose. Ah, what spirituality that single word emanates!
"Mankind's purpose is mankind's survival. Without a purpose the
solitary man ceases to survive."
Harsh, compelling words from my Leader - Yet so just in their virtue;
their integrity, that it would be unwise to argue with them.

My purpose was a two-thirty appointment with Gary the other side of
town above a family photographers I'd never heard of called 'Smile!' A
bus would get me most of the way there.
"If you're late I wont employ you!" Gary had made clear smiling. So I
set off by one allowing myself a very generous ninety minutes in which
to make the trip. Marking Gary's words I had also dressed for the
occasion both smartly as well as casually which was easy as that was
how I dressed when I went clubbing. I located 'Smile' within thirty
minutes and had an hour to go until my appointment. But a cheeky
thought entered my head so I proceeded into the photographers
regardless. Two minutes later Gary appeared.
"I thought I made it clear our appointment was at Two-Thirty."
"No," I retorted, "you said only that I shouldn't be late!"
And Gary had liked that and seen me an hour early.

It was an interview, though during it Gary told me that wasn't how he
saw it.
"It's a getting-to-know-you process," he said, "just like yesterday in
the launderette was a getting-to-know-you process!"
We got to know one another for a good half an hour and in that short
time Gary was able to see something in me I'd never been able to in my
life.
"Success is inside you," he said to me. And he meant it. He prophesized
that if I joined Smile's telesales team now I would be hitting big
money within a couple of weeks. This flabbergasted me, but I was keen
to learn more so readily accepted his offer of immediate employment
starting that evening.

I had a few hours to spare once again, but with Gary's direction, used
the time effectively.
"It's up to you" he told me, "Come back at five and we'll start your
training then - you'll be paid your basic from five - but stay and do
some studying and you'll be paid your commission from five - get where
I'm coming from?"
I sure did - Be positive; don't put off tomorrow what can be done
today: Carpe Diem (that's Latin for 'Seize the Day') - so the few hours
I had to spare I seized.

First and foremost to be learnt (a.s.a.p off by heart) was the Smile
script. Smile had commissioned top US psychologists to write it and it
was my passport to unlimited potential earnings. Rule number 1: Follow
the script. Rule number 2: Always!

My job you see was to phone up people in the comfort of their own homes
and offer them the Smile 'Club Plan' (four 8x10 colour family portraits
for just $19.99)
"Is that all?" I remarked.
Gary smiled, "That's all!"

The offer was so good that if I followed the script it sold itself and
I could see why. Examples of Smile portraits hung on the walls and
their quality was nothing less than brilliant. The 'Club Plan' gave you
four such portraits of you and your family, and all-in this cost just
twenty pounds! Now I knew for a fact that my mother had spent at least
that if not more on a family portrait last year as a present to my
nanna - twenty pounds, one family portrait. And this offer was giving
you four family portraits for the same price! Well I'd never been good
at maths but even I could work out that the Smile Club Plan was a very
good offer indeed!

That evening I made my first cold-call and with it my first sale! Only
the third person in Ipswich's Smile's telesales history to do so.
"Beginners luck!" said Mike next to me (a middle-aged salesman who'd
worked in Smile's telesales teams for over two years), but I paid no
attention. Mike had been Ipswich's branch top tele-seller for the last
thirteen months, regularly taking home $300+ a week for his part-time
outlay, explained Gary. The guy was just trying to put doubts in my
head; worried he might have a serious competitor to contend with now
that I'd arrived. He was right, I was a serious competitor: When the
shift finished at nine I had made 8 sales, 5 of which were in-the-bag
credit cards. Mike had made just 4. At the end of the working week and
despite having worked one less day than Mike I was officially top
tele-selller with 28 sales. Everyone bar Mike congratulated me, no one
more so than Gary.
"Steve, what can I say? You've exceeded even my expectations these last
few days. I'm so pleased for you, and I'm proud of you too - we all
are! I've already been on the phone to our head office and spoke to UK
Smile chairman, Terry Constantine, regarding your outstanding
achievement this week. He wants to meet you, Steve, at the forthcoming
Smile 'Rising Stars' quarterly dinner and dance in June - that's three
weeks away!"

In just four days I'd gone from being 'a nobody' to 'a somebody' - and
it felt amazing! Over four four-hour shifts that week I'd earnt $366, a
cheque I'd be receiving in five days on Wednesday. That night, Gary and
I hit the town to celebrate - He picked up the entire tab, as he said,
I'd made him rich!

The following week I recorded the highest number of sales ever made by
an employee of Smile's Ipswich branch - an incredible 41! The crazy
thing was; it hadn't been difficult. I just read the script word for
word. The week however was tainted by Mike's resignation from the
company - he'd been a valued member of the team for over two years.
Over a pint though Gary said that despite the loss of Mike's sales to
the team, he was happy to see him go. "Healthy competition is always
welcome in my office Steve, but jealousy is not." I could see his
point.

Week three and four I recorded 35 and 40 sales respectively and my
weekly income never fell below $450. I was a rising star and the sky
was the limit. It was also the weekend of the 'Rising Stars' dinner and
dance where I'd be one of Terry Constantine's guests of honour along
with Gary and other nationwide Smile rising stars. I went shopping and
bought myself a $200 Top Man suit for the occasion.

Terry was not like how I imagined. For a start the guy was American! It
didn't occur to me that though Smile was an American company they'd
have an American heading-up their UK organisation. But Terry was indeed
an American - the first I'd ever met! Furthermore, and I suppose even
more startling, Terry Constantine was blind.

Meeting Terry that evening elevated my way of thinking not just about
sales, but more broadly about humanity and was to lay the foundations
for a life-affirming philosophy I'd develop to enormous personal asset
given time. You see Terry regarded his disability as an asset - most
powerful in the art of selling. "I was never much good at anything see
'til I got myself a job tele-selling, and I knew it." Terry admitted
"But all that negativity got readily banished soon as I started my
first call. I found out I was good at somethin' - and that was talkin'
to folk just like me!" Looking round our table I could see I wasn't the
only rising star totally captivated by Terry's words - the man was
someone very special indeed and his Arkansas accent was friendly and
infectious. Though a question had popped into my head that I was dying
to ask him. Gary had said to me that what he thought had got me this
far was my ability to go with what felt right, my ability to act
natural. So it was that I was the first on our table to stop Terry dead
in his tracks with my question.
"Excuse me, Terry -"
"Yes, young man!"
Everyone at our table turned to face me but I stood my ground.
"I was just wondering Terry, how you managed to learn the script if you
were blind?"
A couple of people coughed but I didn't think I'd said anything I
shouldn't have.
"Well now - my blindness was an issue Steve, but I overcame it like I'd
overcame many previous hurdles that my lack of sight had challenged me
to."
"With the use of Braille, you mean?"
"Now that would've made things a whole load easier on me! But no that
was not the case - back then in 1983 Smile did not have a script for
the blind. Incidentally they do now, as I myself? huh, huh? saw to it
early on in the 1990's." A chuckle made its way nervously round our
table. "So what I did instead was I borrowed myself a tape-recording of
the script that they used in our Sherwood branch for l-o-cution
training - and pure and simply played and played it until I'd learnt it
as good as I knew the Lords Prayer."
"Elocution tape?" I said, "I don't think we use those back in Ipswich,
do we Gary?"
"Not that I'm aware of." Replied Gary with a shrug and a smile.
"No, you wouldn't do!" Said Terry, chuckling. "Nor now would Sherwood.
But way back when I started, before the days of Andrew Lever, certain
decision-makers within the company felt Deep South accents were not
appropriate for the Smile public image, thus enforced means to combat
our particular drawl - one of which was the aforementioned l-o-cution
tape. It soon came to light however, by means of a Smile sales league
table that Deep South branches were not performing as well as the rest
of the country's branches. Some said it was due to Southern folk being
poorer, but I knew God damn well why it was."
"Because the public like to hear a familiar voice the other end?" I
hastened.
"Right as hell, boy!"

So I'd hit it off with Terry Constantine all right! Though I can't
stress this point too much - it hadn't been difficult. As with my
sales, my success with Terry had occurred quite by its own accord.
Success was inside me!

Within the week Terry had seen to it personally that I join him and the
other Smile elite at Head Office in Cheswick where the big business
happened. Gary was sad to see me go, and the feeling was mutual. After
all, without him I would never have been a part of it. "My commission's
sure gonna take a dive now you're going!" he said ruefully.
"Still, look on the bright side Gary - with me out of the picture I'm
sure you're only a phone call away from getting Mike back on the
books!"
"Now there's a thought!"
We agreed to stay regularly in touch with one another as friends rather
than business acquaintances.

?It was a year after going to Smile's UK H.O that I met Andrew Lever
(A.B.Lever) - He who is my Divine Mentor. It seemed the higher up in
Smile's ranks I got, the higher I just kept on going - all the way to
the Smiling paramount! It was my destiny you see, and there was nothing
I could do about it. The only people who knew my destiny were the
Laboratory of Fate.

Andrew was Smile's biggest cheese, owning 51\% of it's share holding.
He poached me from Terry, as he knew I was the one he'd been expecting
as soon as he met me: Our meeting was Divine. Of course my performance
within Smile UK had been breathtaking. Not only could I sell Club
Plan's like there was no tomorrow, I was equally effective at making
dynamic and enormously successful executive decisions regarding Smile
UK's future and growth. I didn't have a business masters degree or any
experience in management but I had my Destiny to achieve such heights
in such a short space of time. I was a photograph negative at birth and
all I was doing was developing at a pace dictated by Fate.

I'd had a Fate all along which had been developing ever since I was
conceived. All the time, even during my lowest ebbs, my Fate had been
developing my successful sales career. "Life's like a roller coaster -
a ride that takes us up, down and any which way around, and it is Fate
that seats us in that roller-coaster." A.B. Lever told Tiger Woods and
myself that one a little while back - when we were playing simulated
golf in his office, if I remember correctly. Tiger and myself
agreed.

So what exactly is this Laboratory of Fate and what are its
operations?
Well now - I can't tell you much, but I can tell you this.

To begin with the information I'm passing on to you is only a diluted
version of what I know as much as the information Andrew passed on to
me was a diluted version of what he knew. Secondly, I am telling you a
story - which is the only context information of this sort can be
relayed and I am of course not the given nom de plume, nor is Smile a
real company. Now if you're ok with that I'll proceed.

The Laboratory of Fate is a top-secret US government-run organisation
with it's HQ in California - But it is everywhere as much as
Evangelists will tell you God is everywhere and omnipresent. However,
the Lab really is God! Sounds a bit Big Brother doesn't it? Well, Big
Brother has a family - A Little Sister; a Mum; a Dad; and that's not to
mention the countless Aunts, Uncles and Cousins! As you can imagine
only a relatively select few really know about The Lab. Andrew Lever is
one of them. The select few are both the worlds, and America's, biggest
multi-nationals - Microsoft, McDonalds, Nike; etc - that significantly
help keep America where it is: ruling the roost as World Leader. Now
you probably didn't realise but Smile is the largest family portrait
specialist in the world and America's 12th largest company - not that
portrait and Club Plans grant them this per se, as they have numerous
investments. This is not a conspiracy-theory either I am yarning -
despite contemporary society's positive attachment towards having the
wool pulled over their eyes, I myself am less deceived.

In laymen's terms ever since technology has made it feasible, The
Laboratory of Fate's been compiling comprehensive data relating to
every individual's life that's participated in the [generally speaking]
Western and Post-Modern human race. "They take the photograph, and they
develop it - we and our life as we know it merely frame that
photograph." Big companies like Smile, Microsoft, McDonalds and Nike,
they play their part by updating the Lab's listings and manipulating
peoples lives in compliance with The Lab's vision. A bit wooly I know,
but for the sake of my self-preservation I am entirely obligated to be
vague.

So it's in your genes to sell and be sold, produce and consume, and be
consumed! Not in any monstrous way as pessimists would have you believe
- but as part of the world enterprise that is the monogamous unity of
Capitalism and Freedom.

My advice to you is thus - The next time you are manipulated into
buying something you don't think you need - rejoice! The Laboratory of
Fate is presenting you a gift-horse whose mouth you'd be a fool to look
into. Besides, Fate has it that you'll buy the miscellaneous product
anyway, sooner or later. So to all extents and purposes you might as
well smile about it!