The Squatter Bug

James was worried when Jimbo handed him the parcel. His older
brother had never been good at presents. 'It's heavy, that's a good
sign.' The gift was about the size and shape of a shoe box. James put
the mystery object down on the table and unwrapped it. It was a breeze
block. James found it hard to say anything at first. Jimbo had been
crap in the past but with this moving in present he had surpassed
himself. What was he thinking? Had he gone mad? James forced himself to
be polite. 'Er, thanks Jimbo...'
'Do you like it?' Jimbo looked suddenly concerned,wearing a face like
someone who'd gone to the wrong shop.
'Er yeah, I suppose. It's a breeze block isn't it?'
'I thought you could paint it white, like on "Changing
Rooms"...'
'Sure, I can, thanks.' James slapped his brother on the back feeling
sorry for him. Here he was a twenty four year old solicitor, proud new
owner of this deluxe, nicely situated two bedroom maisonette. There was
Jimbo a trolley collector at the local supermarket wearing the same old
"Judge Dredd" T shirt and jeans, aged thirty two, still living with
their parents. Jimbo wasn't retarded, but he did have something
missing, nobody was quite sure what it was.

James took a week off work to decorate. His main room ended up with
chic light grey walls. James replaced the nasty green carpet with an
expensive wooden floor. He put down funky imitation leopard and zebra
skin rugs, put a fake palm tree in the corner and finished things off
nicely with a square beech wood extending table, four Vincent van Gogh
dining chairs and a one thousand pound retro seventies black leather
sofa.
When the work was finished James got out his digital camera and
proudly took a few photos.
'Come here baby, tell me what you think.' Britney was fetched from her
cage in the spare bedroom and placed down on the zebra rug. 'Pretty
cool huh?'
Britney sniffed around idly, totally ignoring the decor. The only
thing missing was a hi-fi cabinet. James's expensive Bang and Olufsen
sound system was still sitting on the floor. James went to the storage
closet where he'd dumped all his crap. So far the wall cupboard next to
the bathroom had swallowed up all his moving in boxes, a locked
suitcase of porn magazines, a pile of his most embarrassing CDs like
"The Best of Chris De Burgh" and Jimbo's breeze block. For a laugh
James got out the ugly block of concrete and took it through to the
main room.
James put the breeze block down by his hi-fi then stood one of the
sleek cylindrical speakers on top of it. The set up looked ridiculous,
James stepped back and grinned, he turned to Britney for a second
opinion.
'One of these days my brother might prove himself useful.'

The next few days were hot. James was painting his bedroom in an old
pair of running shorts. His pallet was sky blue and bright white. He
considered putting dreamy clouds on the walls but he dismissed that as
too childish. It was twelve thirty, Radio 1 put on another beepy summer
Ibiza anthem. James put down his roller. With no curtains on the window
the sun was cooking him. The clock radio got daubed with more blue
paint as it was switched off. The self proclaimed king of interior
decoration was developing a headache, he went to the kitchen to get a
cold drink.
James had bought a six bottle pack of mineral water the previous day
and put it in the fridge. To add that touch of class James had also put
some glasses in his freezer compartment. There was nothing better than
drinking out of a frosted glass on a hot day. James walked into his
kitchen, he was about to put his hand out to the fridge door when he
stopped dead.
There was a giant insect on the front of the fridge. It was the
biggest bug James had ever seen. More than twelve inches long, the
insect's three part body was black and shiny, it's six legs stood
absolutely still, only its two drinking straw sized antennae moved,
gently stroking the fridge door handle. James was immediately terrified
and repulsed. The thing was almost the size of a small dog. It didn't
look real, perched there like the fridge magnet from hell. The bug
surely wasn't native to the UK, it must have escaped from somewhere,
hitched a ride from overseas inside a packing crate. Or perhaps it was
somebody's pet?
Itching with disgust James backed away and ran to the wall cupboard,
he opened the suitcase of smut and took out his thickest porn magazine,
"Jailhouse Bad Girls Volume 5," rolled it up into a weapon and hurried
back.
The insect had turned round whilst James had been gone, it was now
staring at him with its big black marble eyes. James raised the porn
mag above his head, the bug's antennae followed the makeshift weapon
upwards sensing the attack. James became paralysed. The magazine
wouldn't hurt the insect, the bug was big enough to snatch the
publication from his hands and start reading it. Tossing the porn
magazine aside James darted into the spare room and opened up the fully
equipped toolbox his dad had given him. James brought out a nice big
claw hammer, feeling empowered with it James re-entered the kitchen,
but the insect was gone.
James quickly checked the ceiling, he opened cupboards. The
dishwasher, cooker and washing machine were all pulled out of position
and searched behind, then James went on to check the other rooms in the
house. Finally, when he was satisfied he was alone again he allowed
himself his drink of mineral water.
He'd seen large spiders before, the odd three inch worm or centipede,
but nothing like that. James wanted to phone Andy his best friend from
university to brag about his unbelievable sighting but he remembered
the scotsman had gone away on a dirty weekender in Paris.
James rubbed his frosted glass across his forehead trying to soothe
his thumping headache. Although his surprise visitor was gone his hands
were still shaking. James looked around for his digital camera in case
the gigantic insect appeared again.

James found it hard to get to sleep that following night. Even with
both his bedroom windows fully open it was too hot. Added to his
discomfort was the thick smell of emulsion that had lingered long after
the paint had dried on the walls.
Try as he might he couldn't stop thinking about the insect. Perhaps it
was creeping up on him right now? James started to see patches of
darkness come alive and slowly crawl towards him across his bedroom
floor. He put the light on several times, half blinding himself for no
reason. Eventually fatigue began to win over and he started to drift
off. But then he was woken sharply by a...
'CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!'
It was coming from the kitchen.
The strip light was turned on, his kitchen blinked into view. Nothing
more alarming was revealed than yesterday's unfinished drying up. James
searched the other rooms, his aching, tired eyes could still see
nothing, he went back to bed.
Barely one minute later.
'CLICK! CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!'
'What the hell?' Furious this time James sprang back out of bed, but
again there was nothing for him to take out his anger on. As the night
went on he got up two more times to check out the phantom noise. He
even went outside. Nobody was standing on his strip of grass swinging a
football rattle.
James found the earplugs he'd bought to block out his ex girlfriend's
snoring, he also held a cushion over his head, it was no use.
'CLICK! CLICK! CLICK!'
'WILL YOU SHUT UP?' The clicking stopped, James collapsed back to his
pillow, he glanced over at his paint stained clock radio, the green
digits told him the bad news.
4:30 am.
James let out a depressed sigh and lost consciousness.

He woke up at eleven the next morning, his whole body felt drained.
James didn't want to get up but he forced himself to. He still had a
lot of decorating to do, and he was back to work tomorrow. He had to
make this final Sunday count. James dragged himself to the bathroom and
dipped his head into a sink of ice cold water to help motivate
himself.
Knackered but awake James walked dripping to the kitchen. It was
another hot day, the flat was already baking nicely. James opened the
nearest food cupboard and got out his packet of cornflakes. He found a
bowl from the next cupboard along and put it down on the worktop.
Despite the cold water wash his eyelids were already beginning to shut
back down again on their own. James always needed his sleep, else his
body punished him like this. And all because of that bloody clicking.
He felt as weak as a baby.
James dozily opened up the top of the cornflakes packet and tipped it
over the bowl, he got nothing. Strange, he'd only bought the packet
yesterday. James shook the cereal box harder. Something enormous and
black fell out and hit his breakfast bowl with a sharp 'ping!'
James shrieked like a girl and jumped back.
The bug slowly unfurled, it hardly fitted into the breakfast bowl.
Indeed as the giant insect stood up it tipped the bowl over, sending it
skidding off the work top and crashing to the floor.
'AAARGGH,' said James, terrified. The bug had bits of orange cornflake
pressed to its back, they made it look like an inverted ladybird. It
brushed itself down thoroughly with its multiple legs then spoke to
him.
'Wimp.'

James stayed in his car for the next two hours trying to call for help
on his mobile. His parents and both his local mates were out. The 999
operator just told him to go away. His new neighbours gave him some
strange looks as they went about their business, but they didn't ask if
he was alright. Eventually James managed to get hold of Andy, when he
did he gushed down the phone almost uncontrollably. Andy spent the
first five minutes telling his best friend to calm down.
'Okay mate, now slowly take a deep breath and tell me what the problem
is. You mentioned an insect?'
'A bloody big insect,' whimpered James. 'It fell out of my cereal
packet...'
'How big is it exactly? As big as a child's hand?'
'Bigger, it's like a huge, black lobster, and it talked to
me...!'
There was a moment's silence at the other end of the phone.
'Sounds like a squatter bug.'
'A what?'
'My mate had one. How long was your flat empty before you moved
in?'
'I dunno, a month, maybe two.'
'Yeah well those things love empty places, that's when they move
in.'
'Andrew what are you talking about? I'm a nervous wreck here and
you're just talking bollocks.'
'No, straight up, they're a type of conversing beetle. My mate Charlie
had one in his place in Glasgow, it was a right nasty piece of work,
kept hurling abuse at him, eating his food, keeping him awake at night
clicking. Problem is the pest control people won't touch them, because
they're too nasty. In then end Charlie had to move back in with his mum
for half a year till the critter decided to move on.'
James managed a nervy grin. 'I can't believe I'm hearing this.'
'Well look the beastie up in any UK insect book if you don't believe
me...'
'But a bug that can talk? How come I haven't heard about these
squatter things before?'
'There was a "Watchdog" programme on them a few months back, generally
though people keep quiet about them. You see the worst thing about
squatter bugs is they de-value property. Word gets around you've had a
squatter crawling around then it becomes very hard to sell your house.
The things are known to come back you see.'
'Why can't I just kill it?'
Andrew took a deep breath. 'No James mate, don't even try to do that.
Charlie went at his one with a large can of Raid and a baseball bat and
he still came off worse. Better to keep your distance, move back to
your mum's for a while.'
'But I've only just got the flat.'
'Trying talking to it then, work out a compromise. Glaswegian bugs are
known to be pretty hard and unyielding. Perhaps the bugs down your way
are a bit more gentle? Anyway, don't you want to hear about my weekend?
Guess what, I got my leg over. Brilliant eh?'
James sat back in his Volkswagen and quietly panicked. Since when had
he lived in a world where insects talked? Perhaps it was the smoldering
heat that was distorting everything, painting creepie crawly mirages in
his mind.

Only one person at work had heard of squatter bugs. Victoria, the
summer relief receptionist had a sister who'd also had an
"infestation". Vicky flipped over her arm and showed James a nasty scar
at the top of her wrist.
'That's where it got me, there was blood all over the place.'
When James asked why she hadn't called the police, or the army
Victoria brought up the house price issue too. Publicising a squatter
infestation was like the kiss of death to your re-sale value. It was as
bad as announcing you had dry rot or subsidence.
'But what about the people who don't want to climb the property
ladder,' James asked. 'Don't they ever fight back?'
Victoria explained how squatters deliberately targeted first time
buyers, only invading one or two bedroom ground floor flats and
maisonettes.
James remained a disbeliever. How could mere insects show such
intelligence? On his way home he called into the library. James found a
book entitled "Insects of the United Kingdom" and sat down at a reading
table with it. Ignored the gossiping, brightly dressed students sitting
around him James turned straight to the book's index. He traced his
finger down the line of species listed under S.

Silverfish p18
Snake Fly p94
Spiders p214-25
Squatter Bug p89

There it was, staring back at him in clear black print. So Andy and
Victoria hadn't been in collusion. James quickly turned to the
page.
Pages 88 and 89 were a double page spread entitled "Click Beetles."
There, illustrated in full colour were various normal sized insects.
Dwarfing them and taking up most of page 89 was the hideous coal black
monster James had seen on his fridge and in his cornflakes packet.
There was a brief paragraph under the illustration.

7, Squatter Bug ( Tyranius alvearius ) is a beetle despite being
called a bug. This carnivorous click beetle occurs mostly in ground
floor combined residencies and is the United Kingdom's largest known
insect. Extremely aggressive and resourceful Tyranius alvearius has no
natural enemies, it also has the disturbing ability to utilise human
language to intimidate opponents and maintain its territory. Larvae
live in thin walls or under piles of clutter. The squatter bug is by
definition nomadic but will follow a repeating occupation pattern
during its five year life span...

It was waiting for him as soon as he opened the front door. The insect
was on his zebra skin rug, antennae gently waving a hello at him.
Although he was repulsed and terrified James managed to stand his
ground.
'Good day at work?'
James couldn't believe it, the insect was asking him about his day,
greeting his arrival like some hideous arthropod girlfriend.
'I can't believe you can talk,' said James breathlessly.
'Just switch on the telly would you, I've been hunting around all day
and I can't find the remote control.' The insect crawled up onto
James's expensive sofa. James fetched the remote from a nearby window
sill and turned on the television. The giant bug started watching the
six o'clock news.
'This is so weird.' James circled the bug cautiously, carefully
creeping up behind it, peering down at its large, shiny body from
behind the sofa. The insect almost became invisible against the black
leather. Only its wiry antennae gave it away as they stuck out,
continuously scanning the air like bug radar.
'I probably scare you,' said the bug. 'But don't worry, there won't be
any trouble as long as you play the game. Last place I was in the fella
sprayed me with paraffin and tried to put a match to me. He ended up
setting light to himself and his whole front room. I'm not one to boast
but I'm quick and I'm capable, know what I mean? I could be on you in a
second, so don't you dare mess with me. And forget about calling the
exterminators. I'm no kitchen cockroach, or loft space wasp nest. I'm
the pest they can't control.' The bug laughed, its voice was high and
weaselly, it sounded like a second year school bully. 'If you're smart
you'll do exactly what I tell you to do. Did you buy some more
cornflakes?'
James shook his head.
One of the bug's antenna pointed to the wall clock. 'The supermarket
is still open. Best get two packets, one for you, one for me.
Personally I prefer the flakes with nuts and honey on them.'
'Right.' James backed away towards the front door completely stunned.
How could an insect have knowledge of supermarkets, or even tell the
time for that matter. James's had heard of dancing bees and
co-operative ant communities but this was taking the piss. 'Anything
else you want?'
'You could rent a video, nothing slushy, there's never anything good
on Monday nights.'
'Okay, fine.' Finishing his conversation with the insect James went
back out the front door. As he walked to his car he wondered if he was
going insane. Perhaps his mum had been right, that he wasn't ready to
live on his own. Maybe this was the kind of thing that happened when
you got too used to your own company.

The bug didn't have a name, or at least not one it was willing to
share. It devoured three bowls of cornflakes as they watched the film.
The insect ate slowly and nosily, James had rented "Die Hard" which as
it turned out was one of the bug's favourite films. At five minutes to
eight the front of the Nakatomi Plaza building blew up, much to the
bug's delight. James suddenly remembered Britney. It had been another
hot day, he'd left her all day with the same water bottle. James jumped
out of his seat and rushed to the spare room.
Britney's cage was empty and there was a large hole ripped in it.
James knelt down in front of the cage. The newspaper and straw Britney
usually scampered about on was speckled with dried blood and tufts of
her brown hair. Not quite believing what he saw James hurried back to
the main room.
'Where's my guinea pig?'
'Eh?'
James snatched up the remote control and paused the film, the flat
fell silent. 'Where's my bloody guinea pig!'
'What guinea pig,' the bug continued to munch its cornflakes.
'Did you eat Britney?'
The insect somehow managed to shrug using all six of its legs.
'Britney? Who's Britney?'
But James knew at once what had happened, as he looked more closely he
could even see some of Britney's hair on one of the insects legs. 'You
bastard!'
The insect smaned. 'Okay, I ate your pet, so what? What are you
going to do about it, try and kill me? Go ahead and try, lots of my
past landlords have, and they've all failed. Truth is I'm harder than
you James. You come at me with that claw hammer of yours I'll take it
off you and beat your brains out with it.'
'You evil bastard.' The thought of poor Britney squeaking and cowering
in terror as the ugly bug peeled back the metal rungs of her cage made
James feel sick. 'If you wanted meat I could have got you a joint from
the supermarket. I loved Britney, she was the only decent thing my ex
left me with...'
'Oh stop, you're breaking my heart.' The bug pointed at the frozen
picture of Bruce Willis with its antennae. 'Now restart the
film...'
James reluctantly pressed the play button on the remote control.
Standing there behind the bug he silently wondered where he could find
a jam jar big enough to put over it.

The next few weeks were unpleasant. James's didn't get much sleep.
Despite numerous arguments the bug insisted on clicking almost
constantly during the night. Finally at around 3 am one morning James
lost his temper and lunged out at his unwelcome guest. He never got
close to hitting the bug, instead it got him, effortlessly biting off
the top of his little finger with its razor sharp mouth parts. As James
tried to stem the bleeding the bug sat back on the kitchen worktop
gloating.
'Did I hurt you, awww. Let me explain something, I'm a click beetle, I
click therefore I am. If you can't sleep run back home to mummy.'
James glanced at the rack of carving knives, the bug followed his
eyes.
'Try that and you'll lose your hand as well as your finger. You think
you can mess with me? You've just a boy with a pathetic thirty eight
grand fixed rate repayment. I've fought grown men with indoor swimming
pools to lose. I've forced whole streets to re-locate. I've emptied
tower blocks, filled estate agent shop windows with unsellable
properties. You want to know why a nice area suddenly gets boarded up,
it's BECAUSE OF ME! I'm no ordinary squatter, I'm the king squatter. So
you can drop that "this is my first home and I'm not sharing it"
attitude, because I'm here to stay!'

When James started going out with Tracy their dates together came as a
welcome relief. Here was a chance to get some normality back in his
life. When the landmark third date came around James asked the bug to
stay out of his way. The bug grudgingly agreed.
'Here we are, this is the famous flat.' James made sure he kept his
guest behind him as he switched the light on and entered the main room.
The bug wasn't on the sofa watching television as it usually was. So
far so good. James relaxed a little, perhaps the insect was going to
cut him a little slack at last, he and Tracy kissed. 'Coffee?'
'Black, two sugars please.' Tracy walked around the main room,
admiring James's decor. 'You know this is a really nice pad...'
'Yeah, it's okay I suppose.' James cautiously switched the kitchen
light on. The bug wasn't in there either. Perhaps it had taken James's
advice and gone out socialising for the night. James had never asked if
the bug was a male or a female. Presumably the things did have to mate
to produce their larvae. Perhaps it was best not to think about
it.
'How long have you lived here again?'
'Nearly two months.'
'Do you miss your parents?'
'Not really, I am twenty four.' James tried to sound grown up, but in
truth he was missing his folks, especially since he'd found out council
tax bills and ground rent weren't the only things for flat owners to
fear
'Yes but doesn't it get lonely living on your own?' Tracy spread
herself across the kitchen doorway, she smiled seductively. James had
to remind himself that although he was presently cursed there was still
good fortune to be had. Tracy was a lovely nineteen year old blonde.
Gift wrapped in her tight little black dress the new temp from the
office was on line to be James's best moving in present ever. Oh yes,
sex was on the menu and it was going to be good. As long as James he
could keep his mind on his technique. What if the bug suddenly leapt on
them both during coitus and demand a threesome? 'Have you ever thought
about getting a flatmate?'
James couldn't tell Tracy he already had one. 'It would be quite nice
to have the place to myself for a while actually.'
'I know what you mean, I hate living with my family.'
'Well it could be worse.' James really wanted to tell Tracy about his
unwanted guest, but he knew she'd run away screaming. She'd already
revealed to him that she had a complete phobia about insects. Talk
about tempting fate. James had suggested they go back to a luxury hotel
instead but she'd wanted to see where he lived.
James finished making the coffee and handed his date her cup.
'Thanks.' Tracy took delicate a sip. 'Shall we go and sit on your nice
leather sofa?'

As they caressed on the sofa Tracy kept on stopping and finding
cornflakes. She laughed at this, if only she knew what had been eating
those cornflakes. Suprisingly James was hardly thinking about sex when
the subject came up.
'Shall we go to bed?'
Of course he agreed to Tracy's suggestion, but he wasn't half as
enthusiastic as he normally would have been. The bug was going to
reappear, he knew it would. As if a despicable segmented git like that
would keep its word.
'I've just got to go to toilet first,' said Tracy.
James showed her the way to the bathroom then quickly reconnoitred the
bedroom, checking it over for signs of unwelcome occupation. James
lifted the covers, he checked under the pillows, under the bed itself.
He allowed himself a slender bit of hope. Maybe the bug really had gone
out for the night, or maybe it had moved on for good.
Tracy screamed.
James rushed to the bathroom door only to bump into his date running
the opposite way with her panties around her ankles.
'RUN,' screeched Tracy. 'IT'S HUGE!'
James walked into the bathroom, the bug was standing up in the bath
laughing.
'Nice catch,' said the insect. 'Has she got a sister?'
'You couldn't resist it could you,' snapped James. 'Do you know how
long it's been since I've had sex? I only asked you stay out of the
way, now you've ruined everything.'
'So sue me.'
James found himself shaking with rage, he switched the shower unit on.
Water suddenly rained down on the insect. It did nothing more than
start to rub itself down under the spray, humming "Singing in the
Rain."
'KILL IT!' Tracy re-appeared at the bathroom door, she was carrying
something heavy with both hands, it was the breeze block James's
brother had given him. James took the block of concrete, he put the
toilet seat cover down and stepped up on it.
The bug was showering on its back, having a great time when James
dropped the breeze block on it. The large grey brick hit the bug square
and didn't bounce.
"CRUNCH!"
Around the edges of the block James could see the tips of the
squatter's legs had stopped moving. Tracy leant into the bath to
retrieve the block.
'NO,' warned James.
As soon as the weight was lifted from it the bug came alive again,
thrashing and spinning around on its back like a break dancer, trying
desperately to get back up. Tracy never gave it the chance. Once, twice
she threw the breeze block back down on the insect then reclaimed it.
As Tracy stooped down and picked the block up for the third time the
squatter reared up at her. Tracy shoved the block forwards, forcing the
insect's tennis ball sized head against the end of the bath.
'Let me help.' James leapt to Tracy aid, they both pulled the block
back then kept ramming it home in unison. The bug was dazed, then
unconscious, with the fifth impact its tough cranium cracked open and
started spilling cream coloured pus. Tracy left for a moment then came
back with a carving knife from the rack in the kitchen. She repeatedly
drove the blade into the insect's enormous thorax.
'I think it's dead,' James tried to restrain his date's stabbing arm,
they both stepped away, breathless and soaked from being under the
shower.
'I hate bugs SO MUCH.' Tracy went back and stabbed the bleeding,
chitinous corpse one more time for good measure.
James bent down and retrieved Jimbo's breeze block. After this he'd
never deride his older brother again. For once in his life Jimbo had
come through with exactly the right present.