The Tale of the Bosham Mouse and other Misdemeanours

The

Tale

of

the

Bosham

Mouse

and other

Misdemeanours

by

Steeve Marchant

Once upon a doorstep in a sleepy harbour town lived a hog of prickly persuasion and a bird of dark renown. The hog in question was the hedgeleyhog, hedgeley by name and hog by nature. He and his friend, the goodrook, would sit on the said doorstep, and talk about life, the universe and the cake shop at the end of the road. As time went by they would talk less and less about life and the universe and more and more about the cake shop at the end of the road. Until one day even talk of the cake shop seemed to lose its spice. After all it wasn’t their cake shop and where would they find the money to buy cakes.

“Perhaps” said rook “the time for talk is over and the time for action is upon us”

“Action?” questioned hog, “what, exactly, do you mean by action?”

“Action, you know, let’s do something” continued rook.

“Do something” asked hog. “Like what?”

“Like…. write a book, for example” said rook “Lets write a book, sell it for lots of money and buy lots of cakes”

“What a good idea” replied hog “and it shall be a book of comic verse, rook. The finest book of comic verse ever written and, whatsmore, I shall write it.”

“You…?” queried rook “I rather thought I would be better suited to the job than you”

“No, no, no” replied hog “I have a ready way with words and comic verse is my specialist subject, don’t you know?”

“I didn’t actually” said rook. “But, I am game for a laugh hog so let’s hear what you have”

“What I have, rook, is a trilogy” continued hog “that means it comes in three parts”

“I know what a trilogy is hog” retorted rook “I’m a birdbrain of the first degree”

Being a birdbrain had always been a badge of honour for the goodrook. The hedgeleyhog, on the other hand, looked at things slightly differently and had always considered rook to be a slug or two short of a picnic lunch. Anyway, hedgeleyhog cleared his throat and began to recite…

The Tale
of
the
Bosham Mouse

The mouse from Bosham creek
Spoke only ancient Greek
Being on account of
Having never learnt to squeak.

Now this mouse that couldn't squeak
Met the bird that had no beak
And the two of them went climbing
The mountain that had no peak.

They walked a sun drenched desert
Without ever sighting land
And danced a mean fandango
On a single grain of sand.

They swam the English Channel
Without ever getting wet
And failed to find the line
That rhymed with……..getting wet.

They cycled to the moon and back
In less than half a day,
The reason why they did this
Is very hard to say.

And on the moon they found a hound
Who barked and barked all day
He barked and barked and barked and barked
And barked and barked all day.

And when evening time befell them
His maxim was mum’s the word
No yap, no yelp, no howl, no growl
No sound from him was heard.

And now this verse is over
And your wondering what's going on
Persevere the end is near
It won't take very long

“Well, what do you think of it so far rook?” asked hog

“Not what I had in mind at all for a book purporting to be at the cutting edge of comic verse” replied rook. “Any other literary gems up that snout of yours?”

“The Bosham mouse’s other tale of course” replied hog.

“A silly question, I know. But exactly how many tails does the Bosham Mouse have?” quipped rook.

“I’ve told you once” said hog. “Three. It’s a trilogy”

Hog continued with…

The
Bosham Mouse’s
other
Tale

The mouse that couldn't squeak
Met the lion that would only beep
And they sailed across an ocean
That wasn't very deep.

In fact it was quite shallow
Some would call it sea
With no or little water
It was land to you and me.

So the boat that had been purchased
Was of no or little use
So they hailed a passing taxi
Driven by a cautious goose.

And on their way they met a pin
That didn't have a point
It was a rather pointless thing
This pin without a point.

And with the pin there was a friend
A needle with no eye
And all the two could think to say
Was eye, no eye, no eye.

So the moral of this story
Is easy to discern
Never buy a pointless pin
Is the lesson we all must learn.

So long for now, good bye,

“Wise words indeed hog, particularly for those contemplating buying a pointless pin, I don’t think.” said rook “Now if you don’t mind I do feel a rendition coming on myself”

“I do mind rook” replied hog “It is a trilogy, after all, and all good things do come in threes. It is a well known saying, don’t you know?”

“The well known saying, hog, is all good things come in trees” said rook “not threes. Take my own good self, for example. Now, getting back to the matter in hand, let’s get this three tailed mouse out of the way and then I shall demonstrate exactly what I mean. Prepare yourself for a treat, hog, a proper rook treat”

The hedgeleyhog looked slightly irritated by this air of the superior that the goodrook had adopted. But having complete confidence in his work he continued with…

The
Bosham Mouse’s
Third
Tale
(with juicy bits)

The mouse that couldn’t squeak
Met the lion that couldn’t roar
And they sailed across the seas
With the pig who wouldn't snore.

They sailed away forever
Forever and a day
To lands best left forgotten
Beyond the Milky Way.

And then one day they chanced upon
A fish that couldn't swim
Blow his nose or touch his toes
He really was quite dim.

But he taught them all a lesson
A lesson they'll not forget
He taught them how to yodel
What do you make of that?

And the adventures not yet over
But times too short to tell
I wish I had an apricot
Now its time to say farewell.

Rook was far from happy. He could think of better things to do with mice than listen to verse about them. But he had paid his dues and listened to the drivel and now it was his turn. He continued….

“Farewell, indeed, three tailed mouse creature. Enjoy your time in oblivion as I’m sure you won’t and now without further adieu allow me to present The Good Rook’s Song and please feel free to sing a long”

The Good Rook’s Song

I'll sing you one O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your one O?
One is one and all alone
And evermore shall be so.

I'll sing you two O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your two O?
Two is the sun and moon above
I do believe they are in love.

I'll sing you three O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your three O?
Three, three the trinity
Elder, yew and holly
One is one and all alone
And evermore shall be so.

I'll sing you four O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your four O?
Four is the apple of your heart
The one from which you will not part.

I'll sing you five O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your five O?
Five is the cherry in the tree
There to make us happy

I'll sing you six O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your six O?
Six is the rowan by your door
Friend to be for evermore

I'll sing you one O
The Good Rook’s the birdie O
What is your one O?
One is one and all alone
And evermore shall be so

Rook was elated with his rendition. He hadn’t burst forth with song in a long, long while and it was most gratifying to see the hedgeleyhog tapping his paws to the beat of the song. Up until that point it had never occurred to rook that hog had a single musical bone in his body. Now look at the prickly character. There is hope for us all, thought rook, hope for us all. He continued….

“The crow family are renowned for their fine voices, particularly when singing of trees and I think that amply demonstrates the superiority of birdsong over those guttural grunts you call verse”

“My verse is inspired by my experiences” said hog “The things I do when I’m not with you, in fact, rook”

“And what, in fact, do you do when you’re not with me, hog?” asked rook.

“It’s not widely known that I’m a veggie whisperer, rook. I straighten out root vegetables that have grown a little too…. how can I put it…? Wonky, psychologically speaking that is. Magic words are whispered into their ears and in two shakes of a lamb’s tail they’re right as rain” said hog

“And is there much call for veggie whispering these days’ hog?” asked rook

“You’d be surprised” replied hog

“I’m sure I would hog” said rook “and this veggie whispering lark. Do you work alone?”

“Of course not rook. I have a partner who does most of the… groundwork….working in the field, as it were” chortled hog. “I take more of an overview. A supervisory role if you will”

“And this partner of yours hog another creature of spiny habit per chance” enquired rook

“Not at all, my partner’s a tiger, rook, a tiger called Toby” answered hog

“So you supervise a tiger…. called Toby…. that straightens out root vegetables…. that have gone wonky….have I got it right” continued rook

“Quite right” replied hog

“And have you any experiences of this veggie whispering that you would like to share with us hog” asked rook

“The classic study is of course the Turnip’s Tale” said hog “and if you will allow I shall recite it for you……..Imagine a day, rook, when the vegetables are hunters and the hunters are prey. Where deep in the jungle mighty turnips do lay”

“Before you go any further hog are you aware that turnips are spherical and don’t need straightening out?” rook stated brusquely

“Only on the surface” said hog, matter of factly, and continued with….

The Turnips Tale

Turnip Ted was the veggie’s name
He lived in the jungle where he hunted big game
He stalked his prey come night come day
A jolly brave fellow many would say.

He rolled through the woods on his big game hunt
A dangerous business, no amateur stunt,
A pride of lions were his quarry today
Timorous wee beasties cowering at bay???

When the lions did see him they laughed like drains
As they combed their hair and they brushed their manes
But fear was a word this veggie knew not
As he rolled up before them he cared not a jot.

And all at once as he was about to strike
A tiger chanced by, riding a bike
Grabbing the turnip the tiger did ride
The lions looked stunned at this blow to their pride.

Away to his lair the tiger did take
And forced the young turnip to bake him a cake,
But after the cake the tiger did try
To convince the young turnip he was living a lie.

"A hunter you say, come its not so
You are a veggie this much I know,
Look in the mirror the facts are as is
That you are suffering from an identity crisis"

And so from today he resolved to be
The thing he was genetically meant to be,
No more the hunter but a veggie be
It was after all his destiny.

”And the moral of the story hog?” asked rook

”Eat your vegetables before they eat you” replied hog

”And the likelihood of that happening hog is precisely…. zilch. Any more jewels in the bobble hat of your comic repertoire hog?” asked rook

“Try this one for size” replied hog

The Cucumbers Tale

Curly Cucumber longed to be
The most famous cucumber in the galaxy.
Away to the circus he first did run
To be a clown and have some fun.

But on the high trapeze he first did try
To become the only cucumber to fly.
Alas his arms were much too short
And aerodynamically he scored just nought.

But flying became an obsession with him
Earth bound life seemed much too grim.
He resolved to fly to the distant moon
Until a thief came by and stole his balloon.

Deciding the culprit he must apprehend
He called on the phone a flying squad friend.
P.C. Tomato appeared on the scene
A raw recruit, really quite green.

New to the job what would he do?
Truth be known he hadn't a clue.
A change of direction Cucumber now sought
So out he went and a diving bell bought.

So happy was he to own that thing
But he could not get that bell to ring.
Now what to do to reach the top?
Try his hand at singing pop?

Out he went and formed a band
Rapping his songs he toured the land
A change of name to Hot Boy Cool
He made a mint and had a ball.

But fame and fortune began to pale
He had tasted success that Holy Grail
Still in his prime his fancy was tickled
By early retirement, an eternity pickled.

He took up yoga and began to see
That deep inside were a deeper me
He stretched and stretched giving his all
And ended up, growing ever so tall.

Now relishing a life of retirement ease
Writing verse will be this cucumber’s wheeze
Cos when one verse is said and done
It will be time write another one.

“Must you?” asked rook” It’s just another veggie verse hog. We need something with a little more gravitas, with a little more depth to it”

”Oh your looking for depth are you?” replied hog “Say no more, except"

Potato Joe

There once was a potato named Joe
Who knew not which way he should grow
Some did say up
Some did say down
Answers on a postcard to Joe

”This is getting ridiculous” said rook “It’s not good enough hog. Do you hear? It’s just not good enough…... But wait a second. Do you see? Look, over there, up in that tree, it’s Robbie Raven and he’s about to recite. Some quality verse at last in sight”

In the tree sat Robbie Raven with a slight air of the majesty about him. Around the tree sat all the creatures of the wood in various states of rapt attention. After all it was not everyday that Robbie was in town. Hedgeleyhog and the goodrook moved forward and took their place amongst the gathered throng. As Robbie rose and outstretched his wings a deep hush fell upon the multitude as Robbie began to recite….

Robbie Raven's Poem

A poem wordless I shall be
A clear blue sky, a deep blue sea
The written word cannot compete
With what lies there beyond my beak

“Has he started yet?” asked hog

Robbie frowned but continued with the second verse…

I wonder if I shall ever see
A poem sitting in a tree
As lovely as a bird like me
Or seagulls squawking by the sea
Or seagulls squawking by the sea

”What’s he doing in the tree?” asked hog

”Sitting. Now do be quite hog, I’m trying to listen” replied rook

A deeper frown creased Robbie’s brow before continuing…

I wandered lonely as a cloud
When all at once I heard a sound
A work of art, perfection found
A raven pecking at the ground
A raven pecking at the ground.

”Don’t call us we’ll call you” shouted hog more than faintly amused.

”Please be quiet” said rook, somewhat impatiently “This is birdsong at its finest. There’ll be no veggie verse here, do you hear, no veggie verse here”

”He could do verse, you know. Ha, ha do you get it? Do verse” said hog

Robbie Raven was clearly put out by the interruptions but continued the final verse with a flourish

Now the days verse is done
By hoot of owl and setting sun
It's time for tea, nuts and bananas
As dickey birds put on pyjamas.

Hog was beside himself with laughter at this point but managed to splutter out…

”Is that it then? You birds should stick to doing your funny business on the neighbours washing lines and leave the comic verse to others”

”And you hogs should stick to the roadside snack business. Very popular with us rooks, don’t you know?” said rook.

”Birdbrain” said hog

”I’ll take that as a compliment shall I, hog?” said rook.

”Take it as you like rook” said hog.”

”A compliment it shall be then” said rook. “But back to the business in hand hog. The truth of the matter is that I’m a rook that’s been pushed too far, do you hear, too far and I shall just have to take over editorial control myself. I might even pen a verse or two, who knows”

”Is that wise rook?” said hog

”Rook’s are renowned for their wisdom, hog, and you are about to witness the wisdom of rookverse and it goes something like this” said rook.

The Good Rook

The good rook's voice is rather mellow
His heart is red, his beak is yellow
He is the most attractive of birds
A master poet, good with words
But should some hedgehog interfere
He'll peck that hog right up the rear
Know yea now I am the Rook
The good one that did write this book.

”You didn’t write it all” retorted hog.

”Oh hello, hog, are you still here? Well that being the case pray stay, and marvel at a master birdbrain at work” said rook triumphantly “and answer me this”

That Bright Sea Night

Why is it that
The sun shines bright?
When it’s plain to see
It's dark as night.

Why horses moo
At barking cows
While cats go neigh
And dogs miaow?

Why is it that
This rook writes verse
That friend’s applaud
And rival’s curse?

“Why is it, hog?” asked rook

”It’s a mystery to us all rook, a mystery to us all. Anyway, is it time to go yet? I think this is where we came in” said hog.

The Good Rook's Name

“I will go as a wren in spring
With sorrow and sighing on silent wing
And I shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, 'til I come home again

Then we shall follow as falcons grey
And hunt thee cruelly for our prey
And we shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, to fetch thee home again

Then I will go as a mouse in May
In fields by night, in cellars by day
And I shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, 'til I come home again

Then we shall follow as hunting cats
And hunt thee 'til we bring you back
And we shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, to fetch thee home again

Then I shall go as an autumn hare
With sorrow and sighing and much care
And I shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, 'til I come home again

Then we shall follow as swift as hounds
And hunt thy tracks by leaps and bounds
And we shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, to fetch thee home again

Then I shall go as a winter trout
With sorrow and sighing and some doubt
And I shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, 'til I come home again

Then we shall follow as otters swift
And snare thee faster than thou can shift
And we shall go in the Good Rook's name
Aye, to fetch thee home again

There was a moment of silence before the hedgeleyhog accused

”You didn’t write that”

Rook looked a little affronted before replying…

”It was written by the first goodrook. I have a very long lineage, you know, hog, a very long lineage indeed”

“Oh you poor thing?” said hog “Is there nothing that can be done?”

“Lineage, my dear hog, means my roots go back a long way” replied rook.

“Well I never?” said hog “A rook with roots. You’ll be sprouting leaves next. We’ll just have to put you in the pot for Sunday lunch. I might even pen a verse or two about you and your vegetable ancestry”

”If you’ve quite finished, hog, I shall now demonstrate my incredible poetic versatility. Pick a subject” said rook, “any subject”

”Errh…domestic appliances with a musical talent” replied hog.

Rook proceeded with…

The Heavy Metal Kettle

Our kettle's is an odd sort of kettle
It sings and plays Fender guitar
There's no other kettle like our kettle
For our kettle's a metal superstar

And owning a superstar kettle
Is wicked as I'm sure you'll agree
Except that is when it's touring
And you fancy a nice cup of tea

“Next?” demanded rook

”Pilchards and……….errh…….figs” said hog.

Something Fishy

Once there was a pilchard
That lived in a Figgie tree
This was very odd because
He should be in the sea.

Now this little pilchard
Was lonely as can be
For no other fishes
Lived in that tree.

So pilchard went out walking
Down to the shimmering sea
And sang a little lullaby
To bring a friend to he.

And from the sea there came
A fig of mighty size
A bigger fig had not been seen
It took pilchard by surprise.

And the two of them got talking
Of many wondrous things
Of pencils and ball point pens
And old bits of string.

And then at last pilchard ask
Fig to be his bride
Not a chance fishy friend
Fig at once replied.

But listen up, I'll say it once
My advice to you is free
Worry not for you will find
Plenty more figs in the sea

”Kurious Creatures?” said hog.

Kurious Creatures

The Zonks are kurious creatures
Refusing to read or to write
Why is it they want to be teachers?
When really they're not very bright.

The Chuggers will creep up behind you
Trying to catch you by surprise
The bells on their toes remind you
Chuggers aren’t the smartest of guys.

The Boobles have lost all their loobles
When once they had quite a few
You can call them whatever you want to
Fear not they’ll never hear you”

The Moonsters are musical tunesters
They sing as they play their guitars
If their presence is sought after midnight
You’ll find them singing to stars.

So watch out for kurious creatures
Above I have named just a few
Next time you look in a mirror
You’ll see one staring at you”

“Am I a kurious creature rook?” asked hog.

“A very kurious creature hog, a very kurious creature indeed” replied rook

”Why thank you hog. I never knew you cared” said hog

”Rooks, as you may very well be aware, are renowned for their caring and on that note I think we should draw the whole business to a conclusion with this”

Maggie Magpie

Maggie Magpie the mad bird who
Stole a verse or was it two?
A crow’s a crow, who do you do?
What rookie writes is final.

Yesterday up in the air
I saw a bird that wasn't there
It wasn't there again today
I wish that bird woud fly away

Be good as a tern, fly like a kite
Believe in a grebe, make it alright
Follow a hobby and listen tonight
What rookie writes is… final”

”Final is an awfully final word” said hog “Perhaps we should consider Volume Two”

“Perhaps we should consider a short holiday before we make any rash decisions on that score, hog” replied rook

“And what about the cake shop at the end of the road and all those cakes. I can’t wait” said hog

“Perhaps we need to take a more balanced view, hog, and consider life and the universe as well as the cake shop at the end of the road. Where would we be, without the universe, after all and likewise with life? So don’t give up on the day job hog that is if ever you should get one, and look to the future. Speaking of which, on to more important matters. Holiday time is here and I’m off to the Tower of London to stay with relatives”

“The Tower of where?” asked hog.

Rook was a little surprised that hog had never heard of London so took it upon himself to educate him a little. Particular emphasis was given to the Tower and the part played by his raven cousins in the Tower’s story. The ravens, he explained, reside in the Tower and should they ever leave the Tower the country would fall. The goodrook, of course, embellished the story a little by suggesting that the ravens also built the Tower as well as the rest of London He then questioned hog about some of the other well known landmarks of the city. Had he never heard of Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly Circus or St Paul’s Cathedral? To each question Hog could only answer no. Then rook asked….

“Surely you’ve heard of the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben, hog?”

”Now that rings a bell” replied hog “No, now come to think of it Big Ben was a gerbil I once knew”

“Your wit knows no end does it hog” said rook “It would have surprised me, not, if you had never heard of London. Whilst the crow family have been responsible for the safeguarding of the kingdom and the like, you hogs have been snuffling around gardens eating slugs…. and the like”

”Rooks are hardly in a position to look down their beaks at hogs when it comes to diet rook” said hog

”I’ll have you know, hog, that I was a vegan for many years but now partake in a little fish since being with my present partner, a big fish eater” said rook.

”Penguin?” asked hog

”Are you trying to be funny hog?” asked rook.

”We hogs are renowned for our humour rook, everybody knows that” replied hog

“I think we should leave it at that, don’t you, hog?” said rook

“Good idea” replied hog

“I’m off to London then. Any holiday plans yourself hog?” questioned rook.

“I thought that I might try an island holiday this year” replied hog

“Do you know what an island is hog?” asked rook

“Not altogether sure but I’m sure it won’t be too difficult to find out” replied hog

“Don’t forget to write then” concluded rook.

“I shan’t” replied hog

Some while later the goodrook had returned from London and was sitting on the doorstep in his sleepy harbour town wondering just how the hedgeleyhog was enjoying his holiday. When up the garden path walked a man, whom everybody hereabouts knew as postie. Rook had never received any mail before so when the postman cried “one postcard for the goodrook” it was very much a surprise. The mail in question was a picture postcard with a scene that looked very much like a roundabout close to Portsmouth on it. He turned over the card and it read….

Dear Rook

Spending a while on a traffic isle
I arrived here on a boat
I see wheels go round
Hear hooters sound
And wonder how on earth
Do they float?

Best Wishes

the hedgeleyhog

and very likely, the end.