Unhealthy Desires

If hell is other people then what is heaven?

~

I pop another capsule into my mouth. Feel it against my tongue,
allowing it to rest there, in limbo, in stasis, the bitter taste
seeping from it a minor irritation. I can feel it dissolving, fizzy on
the muscle, my own saliva breaking it down, allowing it to seep,
dissolve into me. I think I can feel it. Feel the essence breaking into
my body, violating me. I want to scream.

I've been here before going round in circles.

Was this the seventh revolution of my wheel?

Each time I try to find another way to keep going. To prolong this time
above all other times. Not wait for it to end, a passive observer,
watching the body go through the motions, waiting. Waiting for the end.
I want to stop continuing from the beginning. No continuation. A soap
which finishes. Stop.

Dead. Silence.

I was told the pills would help. Although they are not really pills.
Not drugs. No prescription needed. No identification. No one asking
questions. 'Stay healthy', they say. Don't drink. Don't smoke. Don't
eat. Where is the enjoyment?

I swallow. Is this is?

Will this help me? How much longer do I need to keep this up?

The rest of your life.

If I don't go outside. If I don't go for a walk.

If I stay in one place. Barricade myself in, don't let anything or one
through. Isolate myself. Keep myself clean. Away from others. One room,
all I really need. Keep it clean. Tidy. Occupy my days with myself.
Clean. Tidy. Pills. No contact. Nothing human, animal, vegetable or
mineral. If I stay like this will the circle split, break, shatter,
release me. Allow me to break free. To fly. Or will I join another
circle. Stay trapped. A prisoner of my own mortality.

I desire not to be mortal.

I have realised what happens.

We are all mortal. But only in each lifetime. I keep coming back and I
am sure others come with me. People I have known. Past lives. Past
faces. Conversations repeated throughout eternity. Meeting the same
people over and over, a constant carousel which will not stop. Fall in
love with the same woman. Different face, same soul. Have the same
children, same problems. I desire for this to stop. To prolong my fate.
To stay alive. I know where this is going and how it ends. Death is not
the solution. No cut wrists or overdoses. Life is the answer. Life over
death. Death before life. I want to find the proverbial heaven on
Earth.

If hell is other people then is heaven an enclosed room?

A solitary existence. Hermitude. A slave of one. No end in sight.

~

I want to scream.