Wicked stupid things I post on Facebook

-I wear rubber gloves when messaging folks, I'm a safe-text proponent.

-OUCH!
OOOCH!
SON OF A...
OUCH!!
OOOOF!
JESUS!!
OUCHAAH!!
WHERE'S THE FIRST AID KIT!
My impression of two porcupines... making porcupines.

-"If you have amnesia, just relax and try to forget about it." - Unknown...

-BREAKING NEWS: A fisticuffs broke out at a coal excavator’s family convention. There were major miner injuries reported and minor minor miner injuries reported.

-Surprisingly, the number one cause of death for people who drive over a cliff is not people driving over a cliff, and it isn't poorly maintained air bags. It's just the impact that gets 'em.

-Things men never say:
No no, you take the clicker.
I don't care how much it costs, as long as you are happy.
OMG I have so much laundry to do!
Aww, let me change the diaper this time.
I'll skip golf today, you head out with the girls.
You can have the last slice of cheese cake, it goes right to my hips anyway.
Gosh I haven't been able to see your parents in like 4-eva.
Heck with the ball game, lets watch DWTS together.
Your friend is nice but her breasts are disproportionately too darn large for her slender figure.
OMG I can't do a thing with my hair! (Sometimes I say that).
Maybe later, right now I just want to cuddle.

-I saw a pile of needles today and I found a piece of hay in it?

-BREAKING NEWS: A 17,000 alarm fire broke out at a fire alarm manufacturing plant. No one was hurt but dozens needed psychiatric help from all the beeping.

-I just Googled my ancestry and found something truly disturbing.
They're all deceased? They should really prepare you for stuff like that!

-I'm disappointed to learn that my new pet Piranha fish is a vegetarian.
I feed him Flintstones Chewable's to at least get some sense of carnage.