X - Pervert Copper (A Sketch)

Pervert Copper 1

(Inside the Chief's office. Detective Sgt. Baldwin sits quietly while
the Chief is speaking. On the table is an unopened folder.)

Chief: I've heard that the surveillance isn't going too well Baldwin.
Is that so?

Baldwin: No sir, everything's fine. In fact I've just got my latest
pictures back.

Chief: Ah yes, pictures. Baldwin, the last photographs you handed to me
were not the most useful in building up a case.

Baldwin: These are different sir, top notch work.

Chief: I've got your last lot here. Explain them to me, I still can't
quite understand them.

(The Chief opens a folder he's been holding and spreads photos on the
table. They are a variety of glamour shots - head and shoulder
portraits a la 20's Hollywood.)

Baldwin: First rule of surveillance sir, get to know your subject. It
was you that told me that sir.

Chief: Pretty isn't she Baldwin?

Baldwin: I wouldn't know sir. If you say so.

Chief: These photos better be good. I don't like you Baldwin.

(Baldwin opens his folder and lays several photographs before the
Chief.)

Baldwin: Vast improvement on the last lot sir.

Chief: Explain to me how pictures of a sexy woman in her shower, and in
various stages of dressing and undressing will help us to crack this
case.

Baldwin: Second rule of surveillance sir. Always be ready to catch the
sneaky meeting on film. It was you that told me that sir. Where better
to meet her contacts than in her shower? No-one would expect that
sir.

Chief: No-one except you Baldwin.

Baldwin: Thank you sir.

Chief: You're fired Baldwin.

Baldwin: Thank you sir.

Pervert Copper 2

(Police Constable Baldwin is responding to a call concerning a road
traffic accident. Surveying the scene, he sees a car driven by an
attractive woman smashed into a bus shelter. The mangled bodies of
single mums with pushchairs, old ladies with shopping trolleys, and
little girls lie around the scene. Some are still groaning and moving,
obviously in agony. Baldwin immediately moves to the car.)

Baldwin: Madam it's the police. Can you hear me?

Woman: Oh God, this looks terrible.

Baldwin: Oh, you couldn't be further from the truth madam. You look
beautiful. Your hair's a little mussed up is all.

(Noises from the injured.)

Baldwin: Quiet please you people, I'll be with you in a moment. (To
woman) Some people eh! Here, let me brush your fringe back.

(There is a voice on the radio asking about the situation.)

Baldwin: (To radio) Yes it's pretty bad. I need an ambulance for the
driver, she's seriously injured. I better stay with her. There are some
other minor injuries as well.

Woman: Actually I'm fine...

Baldwin: Now then, you let Officer Baldwin be the judge of that.

Woman: But those people...

Baldwin: Those people should know better than to loiter at the edge of
the road, just inviting some poor motorist to accidentally hit
them.

Woman: Yes, it definitely was an accident.

Baldwin: Of course it was.

Woman: And I haven't been drinking.

Baldwin: Of course you haven't. I see this all the time - woman alone
at the wheel, concentrating for all she's worth, watching and
anticipating everything the road can throw at her, when suddenly, from
out of nowhere, some old lady throws her shopping trolley into the road
and disaster ensues. I'm sure if you hadn't been on your toes, it
could've been much worse.

Woman: But I swerved as I came round the corner...

Baldwin: Doubtless to avoid some small animal...

Woman: Well, actually I dropped my mascara...

Baldwin: There, there. I think you're a little concussed, so I'll not
take too much notice of what you're saying.

Woman: Well if you think so...

(Noises grow louder from the injured.)

Baldwin: Will you lot shut up! I'm trying to take this lady's details.
I'll get to you in a moment.

(Ambulances arrive and police cars, one carrying a senior uniformed
officer.)

Senior Officer: What happened here Baldwin?

Baldwin: Open and shut sir. This poor lady's car was attacked by this
mob of deranged pedestrians. Thankfully, she managed to hit most of
them so we've been spared an ugly riot scene.

Senior Officer: Is that alcohol I can smell Miss?

Baldwin: My aftershave sir. (Baldwin tips a very unsubtle wink at
motorist.)

Senior Officer: Step over here will you Baldwin.

Baldwin: Of course sir.

Senior Officer: Pretty isn't she Baldwin?

Baldwin: I wouldn't know sir. If you say so.

Senior Officer: You've been very helpful to this slightly bruised woman
amidst the distraction of these people dying everywhere.

Baldwin: Thank you sir.

Senior Officer: You're fired Baldwin.

Baldwin: Thank you sir.

Pervert Copper 3

(Scene is a park. Usual things - old ladies feeding ducks, young
families playing etc, and, of course, couples walking arm in arm.
Baldwin is hidden in a hide high up in a tree. He does, of course, hold
a high powered sniper's rifle.)

Baldwin: What a beautiful day. Look at the nice ducks. Oh, and there's
a lickle doggy. And look there's an innocent young woman being stalked.
Can't have that now, can we.

(Baldwin lines his sights. Shoots male partner. Screams etc.)

Baldwin: That's better. She can rest easy now. Shit, another one.
(Shoots another bloke leaning on his elbows next to his
girlfriend.)
Jesus, the park's crawling with perverts.(Shoots snogging couple,
hitting the man in the head, leaving the woman covered in brain goo.)
Lucky I was here.

(Lots of pointing towards tree. Sirens of approaching cars.)

Baldwin: 'Bout time the lads turned up. Won't be much left for them
though. (Shoots.)

Senior Officer on Scene (Through loud hailer): Baldwin, we know it's
you. Come on down there's a good lad.

(Baldwin looks through sights. Sees attractive WPC next to Senior
Officer.)

Baldwin (Shouting): That's a pretty woman next to you, isn't it
sir?

Senior Officer: I wouldn't know Baldwin. If you say so.

Baldwin: (Shooting Senior Officer) You're fired sir.

(Hail of bullets hit the tree. Baldwin falls to the ground. Big smile
on his face.)