His Alchemy

Alchemy

At the bus stop the women talk.
Like alchemists they transmute yesterday from today
And, innocent magicians, distill his fragile memories
In their gossipy alembic.

Time is stripped from him
The thin veil pulls at skin.
The journey from the past took infinite pain
But through their careless words the journey back
The flourish of some mountebank.

Each morning he awoke
Eased on his gentle soul
Walked naked in the world.
He was no more than smoke.
Drifting.

And at the bus stop he would put his bravery on
His father told him to.
Be a man.
He always did as he was told.

The women liked him
But looked questioning.
Men, masculine, averted eyes
Afraid to look too closely.
Boys. Now there's a thing.

Walking along the road to school
He prayed;
Make me invisible or change me,
God, let me be them.

A gangling corpse,
Almost dead.
Well he could dream
He faded as he crept.

Tell me, which is the boy and
Which the silent shadow
On the wall?
A negative, he vanishes.

Gates.
Playground.
Play.
Fun.
Games. Every day the games.

Punishing sound. Little Babel.
One language he could understand.

The knot of boys, complicity.
The dark smiles.
Between each other, then at him.
Knowledge passed, his guilt.

Nudge, laughter.
Mimic butterflies, they have him to a fault.

Heave with shoulder.
His foot where theirs would be.
In their circle he falters.
Although his gaze won't flinch,
His secret, longing, body edges from their touch.

Homo. Queer.
Pouf, bumboy
Shirtlifter, shitstabber.
'Want me to fuck you?'

Dirt in mouth.
Fat lip.
He is humbled.
The bell rings and he's alone.
No quarter given. He couldn't ask.

Gets up.
Head up.
He must change and wear his camouflage.
Join the herd, be his own Judas.
No other man could kiss him.

Those witches end the weft of spell,
The years fall back,
Earth shifts in space again.
His strait coat never worked.

Now he is proud.
He has been kissed and more
By men and feels that he is more a man
Than he has ever been.

Regretting years
Unflinching he walks past.

Bob Parsons, April 2000