Dreaming

Tears cloud her vision but she can see them together. He is picking
her up in his arms and spinning her around. They are laughing together
and then he bends down to kiss her. He is tall and muscular with dark
hair. She is slender and sexy with long blond hair. Her heart shatters
into millions of pieces as she watches them, knowing that she will
never be the one who he swings around and kisses.

She knows that she has to move. She can't bear to be next door to them
anymore. She loves her house and worked hard to make it her haven but
seeing them together rips her apart.

"Hey!"

The voice brings her out of her daze as she is in the garden later on
that afternoon, picking weeds. She takes pride in her garden. She has
worked hard to make her home beautiful.

Her heart catches in her throat as she stands up and turns to see him
walking up to her.

"Hi," she says softly, afraid to speak louder because of the lump that
is inside of her. The memory of him with his wife is still so fresh in
her mind.

"What are you doing?"

She is sweaty and her long dark brown hair is tied back in a simple
ponytail. She is wearing cut off shorts and a Yankees tee-shirt and
knows that dirt smudges her bare knees.

"Picking weeds," she responds and wants to die as he smiles at
her.

"Picking weeds," he repeats and she knows that he is teasing her. He
loves to tease her about all the work she does on her house. He tells
her that she makes the rest of the neighbors look like slackers.

"How've you been?" he asks. "I haven't seen you in awhile."

She wants to tell him that she has been hiding from him because she
can't bear to see the two of them together. Instead, she says, "I've
been busy."

"Even too busy to come and see me?" He gives her that sexy grin of his
and she knows that she is going to lose it right then and there.

"We miss you," he says and she knows that he is referring to himself
and Darlene, his wife. "You're always busy."

She looks over his shoulder to where his house is next door. "Where is
Darlene?" Her voice is casual.

"Taking a bath. Why don't you come for dinner tonight? We can catch
up."

She shakes her head. "I can't but thanks." Tears fill her eyes and she
swipes them away.

He studies her for a moment. "Are you okay?"

She nods, a gesture of dishonesty. "Allergies. Oh, I think that's my
phone ringing. I'll see you later."

"I don't hear anything," he tells her and she runs into the
house.

The phone is not ringing but she needs to get away from him. Being so
close to Michael Ryan makes her feel as if she will have a heart attack
and die. She is deeply in love with him and is ashamed of that because
he is another woman's husband. She runs to the window and watches as he
walks back to his house. She sees him turn around once, as if he can
sense her staring at him through the curtains. She moves away, knowing
that he can't see her. Still, she is disturbed by what she feels for
him. She is 25 years old, a grown woman with a mortgage and a good
paying job and she is madly in love with someone who she knows she will
never have.

The next afternoon, he rings her doorbell.

He grins at her and hands her an envelope with the name of Jennifer
Elliott on it. "Your mail got delivered to my house by mistake," he
explains to her.

"Thank you," she says softly and clutches the envelope to her
chest.

He is looking at her again with those incredible blue eyes of his that
she sees every night in her dreams. "Are you okay, Jenn? You don't look
well today."

She nods. "I'm fine. Thanks for the mail. See you later." She starts to
close the door but Michael stops her.

"Darlene and I are going to the park. Why don't you come with
us?"

She shakes her head, unable to say anything because her throat closes
up on her again.

"Are you sure? I'm worried about you. You look tired. Are you sleeping
okay?"

She nods, lying to him again. She sleeps but her nights are broken up
by dreams of being in his arms, dreams that make her wake up in a cold
sweat with tears of ache running down her cheeks.

"I've got to go," she whispers to him. "I'm in the middle of
something."

"Okay," he replies and he still sounds concerned to her. She can't bear
for him to be concerned for her, not when he is going back to Darlene
again. He looks at her as she closes the door.

She goes to the window and watches as Darlene comes out of the house,
locking the door behind her. Her long blond hair is like silk in the
June sunshine. Her perfect, sexy body looks amazing in a short yellow
sundress and white sandals. She begins to cry because she knows that
she can never be as sexy or as attractive as Darlene. She is
comfortable with jeans and dirty knees and working in her garden.
Darlene is a counter girl at Macy's and everything about her is
perfect, from her hair to her makeup to her nails. No wonder why
Michael is so in love with her.

She watches as Darlene smiles at her husband and they embrace each
other with a kiss. He opens the door of his Pathfinder to let her in
and then he goes to his side. He glances at Jenn's house one more time
and she wonders why he cares so much.

They drive away and she goes into her bedroom. She flops herself down
onto the bed and cries until she is sure that she will dry up and
wither away into nothingness.

Jenn is a teacher and misses her students. School has just let out for
the summer and she is sitting on her front porch looking through travel
brochures. She has decided to take a long trip somewhere to get away
from Michael for awhile. She wants to ask him to watch the house for
her but she doesn't want to even be near him. The look of him, the way
he smells, is enough to drive her to the brink of madness.

-------------------

"Jenn!"

She looks up and sees Darlene waving at her. She is dressed
immaculately in a short black skirt, heels and a white blouse. She is
off to her job at the department store.

Jenn waves back.

"How are you?" Darlene asks and seems to struggle with hurrying off to
work or taking a chance and talking to her and risk being a few mintues
late.

Jenn nods and wants to run into the house as Darlene approaches. Her
makeup is flawless, her long nails gleaming in the sunlight. "Good. How
are you?"

Darlene nods as she comes up Jenn's porch. "I'm fine. Michael says he
invited you to dinner but you were busy. What are you doing?" She tries
to sneak a peek at what Jenn is looking at.

"Oh, I've decided to go away this summer. I don't know where I'm going
but I'm going to go somewhere."

"Good for you. You deserve a vacation. You work hard all year at
school. Don't worry about the house. Michael and I will watch if for
you." She looks at the diamond watch on her slim, tanned wrist. "I'd
better go or I'm going to be late. I'll see you around."

Jenn watches as she leaves, a trail of perfume following her.

Ten minutes later, she hears Michael coming out of the house next door.
She looks up and her heart catches in her throat. He is wearing black
shorts and nothing else. His hard, powerful body is something to
behold. She knows that he is going to wash his truck now. He does this
once a week. He loves his truck and takes great care of it. He does not
see her yet and she thinks that she can sneak back into the house
without him seeing her. She knows that this is childish, that maybe she
should stop running and making it so obvious.

She gets up and clutches her travel brochures to her. "Hi Michael," she
calls to him and as he takes the hose from the side of the house, he
turns to her.

He grins at her. "Hey, what are you up to?"

"Nothing. I was just on my way out," she lies. She has to get away from
him. Seeing him like this with the sweat glistening on his body is too
much for her to take.

"Where you going?" he asks her. "You're always coming and going. I can
never keep up with you."

She sometimes just drives around just to be away from him. It is so
painful for her to be near him.

She looks at him and without even thinking, she tells him, "I'm selling
my house."

This gets a reaction from him she does not expect. He puts the hose
down and stares at her. "What did you just say?" He runs over and she
wishes he doesn't do that. She can smell his aftershave and it makes
her weak in the knees.

"I'm selling my house," she repeats and knows that lying to him is an
awful thing to do.

"Why? Why would you do something like that for? You love your house.
You love living here. Where are you going? I mean, I can't believe
this. I don't want you to move. I like having you here. We've been
living next door to you now for two years and...you can't be serious.
Really, Jenn, I hope you're not serious about this."

"I am," she assures him in a soft voice and suddenly, the travel
brochures drop from her hands.

He bends down to get them for her and as he picks them up, he glances
at them. "Hawaii? Cancun? Is this where you want to move? What's the
matter, New Jersey's not that exotic for you anymore?" He is grinning
at her. She fell in love with that smile of his from the first moment
she saw it.

He gives her back the brochures. "Don't move, okay? Please, for
me?"

She knows that he is teasing her but she wishes that she could tell him
that she would do anything for him. She tries to smile back but she
knows that she is going to cry again. What is it about Michael Ryan
that makes her feel so wimpy all the time?

"I'm washing my truck now," he tells her. "then I've got to go and get
something to eat. Want to come?"

She shakes her head. "When are you going back to work?" She knows that
Michael took a vacation week. He has his own construction company and
can take off whenever he wants.

He shrugs. "Next week. To be honest with you, I'm sorry I even took off
this week."

She looks up at him, all six feet, four inches of him. "Why?"

A funny look crosses his handsome face. "I thought the time off would
be good for Darlene and I but I was wrong."

This perks her curiousity. She doesn't want to seem too nosy but she
needs to know what he means by that.

"We've been having some problems," he explains and it is as if he can
read her mind. "I want to start a family and she doesn't want to have
kids. She says she's not cut out to be a mother and you know something?
I think she's right." He shakes his head sadly. "She refuses to have a
baby and that hurts me. I'm 29, going to be 30 soon and I want a
family. When we first got married, she led me to believe that we would
have a family. Now it's three years later and I'm still waiting. Well,
it looks like I'll be waiting forever."

She is saddened by this news and that surprises her. She loves Michael
so much but feels bad that he is having problems with his
marriage.

"Maybe she'll change her mind," she says in that soft voice of
hers.

He shakes his head. "It won't happen. We've been fighting non-stop
about it. To be honest with you, I think we're going to
separate."

She tries not to suck in her breath but this bit of news is too much
for even her to bear. "I don't understand," she tells him, "everytime I
see the two of you together you're always hugging and kissing."

He nods as he looks at her. "I'm the one who's always doing the hugging
and kissing. I'm a very affectionate person and Darlene, well, she can
be cold at times. She's not affectionate the way I am. I thought the
time together would do us some good but it didn't. It just made things
worse."

"I'm sorry," she says honestly. "I really am. I had no idea."

She is really surprised to know that she means that. She has always
dreamed of being the woman Michael loves, the one he comes home to but
he is already married and she does not wish him ill for anything. To
know that he is going through a bad time breaks her heart.

He looks into her eyes, knowing that she means it. Jenn has always been
the one person he can talk to. She is down to earth and
non-judgemental. She is sweet and caring and has always been a good
friend to him and to Darlene.
He cares about her a lot and could never understand why she doesn't
have a boyfriend.

They just look at each other for a moment until she shyly breaks her
gaze away from his. "I've got to go," she tells him softly. "I have to
go and book my trip."

He nods at her. "Have you decided where you want to go?"

She shakes her head. "No, not yet." As long as it's far away from you,
she thinks.

Two mintues later, she goes back into the house. She wants to jump up
and down because Michael and Darlene are headed for a break-up but she
can't. That is too cruel and he seems genuinely upset about it. She
knows that he would be a good father. He is a wonderful man.

She changes her clothes to go to the travel agency. Her heart is heavy
inside her chest. She thinks of Michael alone next door, washing his
truck, feeling empty inside because he won't be a daddy. She realizes
that she feels the same way because she wants to have children too and
yet, the only man she could ever love is Michael.

She leaves the house and hears music coming from next door. She watches
as Michael washes his truck. Soapy water drips down his body as he
spreads suds over the hood of his truck. He loves his truck so much.
She knows that he is a passionate man who gives everything his full
attention all the time.

He stops as he watches her go to her car. "Hey, I'm going to miss you,"
he calls to her.

She looks at him with questions in her eyes.

"You know, when you go away," he explains. "It won't be the same
without you here."

She smiles and gets into her car. She has a seafoam colored Altima, one
of the new models. She loves her car too. It is a safe haven for her,
the same way her house is. It is a barrier between her and
Michael.

She realizes that she loves this man more than anything. She would do
anything for him, anything at all. She wants to see his marriage
work.

She goes to the travel agency and spends most of her morning there. She
books a trip to Hawaii and then heads over to the mall. She casually
walks through Macy's and sees Darlene working behind the perfume
counter. Her eyes light up when Jenn approaches.

"Hi, how are you?" She is always so perky.

Jenn smiles at her. "Decided to go shopping."

"Did you book your trip?"

She nods. "I'm going to Hawaii."

"Oh, that's great. I'm so jealous. I'm getting my lunch break in about
ten minutes. Do you want to wait for me? We can go and get something to
eat together."

Jenn nods. Maybe Darlene will talk to her about Michael. She is curious
to hear her side of the story. Darlene is a good friend and she
genuinely likes her. She is far too beautiful and perfect but Jenn has
never held that against her. She really wants to see the two of them
work out their problems.

They go to lunch and Darlene orders a salad. Jenn gets a chicken club
sandwich. No rabbit food for her, even if it does mean having a figure
like Darlene's.

"How's everything?" Jenn asks casually and that is the segue she has
hoped for.

Darlene takes a sip of her mineral water. "I don't know if Michael told
you but we've been having problems."

Jenn decides to be honest. She is that way to a fault at times. "He did
mention something."

"I care about him but I don't want to have kids. It's all he talks
about and I'm just afraid that we aren't compatible that way."

"Do you think you'll change your mind?"

Darlene nods as she spears her salad with her fork. "No. It's my fault,
really. I led him to believe that I wanted to have a family when all
along I really didn't want to."

Jenn looks into her blue eyes. "Why did you do that?"

Darlene shrugs. "Michael is a catch. Let's face it. He's handsome,
successful, sexy, charming and rich. He has everything a girl could
want. Oh, I know that sounds just awful, that I married him for those
reasons and not for love but I know that he doesn't love me
anymore."

"How can you say that? Everytime I see the two of you together, you're
always hugging and kissing." She said the same exact words to Michael
just that morning.

Darlene smiles. "He tries so hard to hang onto something that's just
not there anymore. He's so sweet that way, so romantic. He's not in
love with me anymore."

Jenn takes a sip of her Coke. Her mouth is drying up as she listens to
Darlene.

"He's in love with you," Darlene suddenly tells her and her mouthful of
Coke spews all over the table.

Jenn chokes and Darlene starts to pound her on the back. Once she has
gotten a grip, she takes her napkin and wipes her mouth and dabs her
eyes. They began to tear when she started to choke.

Darlene finds this amusing but she asks if Jenn is all right.

She nods. "I'm fine, thanks."

"He is, you know," Darlene continues to tell her. "He's been in love
with you for the longest time."

Jenn is angry now. It's almost as if Darlene is preying on her feelings
for Michael. "That's not funny! I don't appreciate that!"

"I'm not being funny. I'm dead serious. Everytime he sees you, his eyes
light up. He talks about you all the time. He even says your name in
his sleep sometimes. I don't hold anything against you, Jenn. I think
you'd be great for Michael. I know how much you love kids and the two
of you would be perfect for each other. He knows that I cheated on him
and he..."

Jenn's brown eyes go wide. "You what?"

Darlene nods. "I did, Jenn. I'm ashamed to admit it. I just don't love
him anymore and he doesn't love me. He would never cheat. He's not that
way at all. He'll always be faithful, which is why he never acted on
his feelings for you. We just don't love each other anymore. The
divorce will be amicable, of course, but it's also inevitable."

This is all too much for Jenn to take. She thinks she is dreaming this
whole conversation up. Michael in love with her? She knows that it
can't be possible. She refuses to accept it or believe it. She wants to
believe that this is all a mistake and that their marriage just hit a
rocky point in the road. She likes the both of them, even Darlene who
is married to the man she loves. She refuses to believe that Darlene
has cheated on him.

Later on, when she goes home, she is glad to see that Michael's truck
is gone. He is not home but she runs into her house anyway and locks
the door. She throws herself on the bed and thinks about moving more
and more. She can't bear the thought of being so close to him and never
having him. She thinks this is all a joke. There is no way that a man
like Michael could ever be in love with someone like her. She is a
simple, country girl, a schoolteacher who makes in a year what Michael
makes in a week. Why would he want someone like her when he can have
any woman? He is married to a sexy, model type. Why would he even think
of being with someone who putters around in the garden all the
time?

She is distressed to know that she is crying again. She loves Michael
so much and thinks this is all a cruel joke that someone is playing on
her.

She sits up, overwhelmed by her feelings for him. There is no way that
he can be in love with her, no matter what Darlene tells her. She
decides to get away now. She cannot wait until the middle of July when
she leaves for her vacation. She needs to get away from Michael now.
She thinks of this in haste but she has no one to keep her home. She
packs a bag and decides that she will go down to the shore for awhile
to get her head straight. She loves the ocean and knows that the salty
seabreeze will make her feel better.

She quickly packs and then checks the house. Everything looks fine. She
will call Michael once she is settled somewhere and ask him to take in
her mail for her. She leaves the house and locks the door behind
her.

She is startled to find Michael standing on her front porch.

"Jenn? Where are you off to now?"

She avoids his gaze. "I'm going to the shore for a few days," she tells
him as she hurries to lock the door.

"Why? I mean, you didn't say anything."

She doesn't answer him. She feels tears threatening her again. She
loves this man so much and can't bear the thought of being the brunt of
his cruel joke.

She bends down to pick up her bag but Michael stops her. His hand in on
her arm and she can see the veins in his large hand. He has such
beautiful, strong hands.

"Look, Darlene, told me that she saw you today, that you guys had lunch
together."

Her eyes go to his. His lashes are so dark, so thick.

"I'm getting a divorce," he says in a soft voice. "It's over between
us."

She can't understand why he is telling her this. It's not fair. She
wants so desperately to feel his arms around her. She hates herself for
feeling that way.

She begins to walk to her car and he is following her.

"Did you hear me, Jenn? I said I'm getting a divorce."

She can't say anything to him. Tears are running down her face and she
doesn't want him to know that he is the reason for those tears.

"At least say something," he tells her. "Say anything."

She knows that this is a dream. It has to be. She has been dreaming
about this for the past two years, when Michael might become a free man
and come to her, telling her how he feels about her, how he's always
felt about her.

"Jenn, I love you. I've always loved you, from the minute I laid my
eyes on you."

It is too much for her to take. She breaks down then because she knows
that it is really just a dream. She is not really getting into her car
and he does not have his hand upon her arm, telling her this.

"I know what Darlene told you," he is saying to her. "It's the truth,
all of it. I love you, Jenn. I want you. Tell me you want me too. Tell
me, Jenn. I know how you feel about me. I've always known."

She doesn't say anything because she is really asleep, still in the
dream.

"I know you love me, Jenn," he is saying to her. "You've been more of a
wife to me than Darlene has. I've tried so hard but it's not worth it
anymore. Not with her. I want to make it work with you now. Jennifer,
are you listening to me? Have you heard a single word I've said to
you?"

She tries to speak to him but she can't. She hears her car start and
she sees herself driving away from him. The last thing she sees before
she wakes up is him standing in her driveway, watching her leave
him.

--------------------------

She is in her hotel room and as she wakes up, she can hear the sound of
the Atlantic rushing in the distance.

She opens her eyes and realizes that she wasn't dreaming. She did leave
Michael and he did tell her that he loved her.

The realization hits her like a ton of bricks.

She left because she was afraid. She waited for so long to hear those
words from him, thinking that she never would because of Darlene. But
things have changed. It is to unbelievable to even think about.

It is impossible for Michael to be in love with her. She has wanted him
for so long. It can't be possible.

She spends three days in Atlantic City in a blur. She goes back home
and realizes that she cannot hide from Michael forever.

His truck is not there when she goes back home. Good, she thinks. I'm
not ready to face him yet.

She is unpacking her weekend bag when the doorbell rings. It is
Darlene.

She smiles at Jennifer. "I saw you come back. I just wanted to say
goodbye."

"Goodbye?"

Darlene nods. "I'm leaving. I'm moving back with my folks for now.
Michael is going to sell the house. It's for the best. We both agreed
to it."

"I'm sorry," Jennifer says to her honestly. "I wish you and Michael
could work things out."

Darlene shakes her head. "It's over between us. We both accepted it.
Michael cares about you. I hope you realize that, Jen. He's such a
great guy. He really is."

Jennifer shakes her head. She doesn't want to hear this. In a way, she
feels almost responsible for their marriage falling apart. She knows
that she isn't to blame but still, she can't help the way she feels.
Why would Michael be in love with her when Darlene is so beautiful, so
perfect and sexy?

She realizes something then. She has given Michael something that not
even his own wife was capable of giving him. She gave him friendship,
someone to talk to. She has always cared about him in a way that
Darlene never did. She has always been a bit self-centered. As nice as
she can be, Darlene has always looked out for herself. Michael is so
sweet and warm. He deserves better than that.

Darlene leaves after they hug each other goodbye and wish each other
good luck.

Later on, she hears Michael come home. She looks out the window and
sees his truck in the driveway. He gets out of his truck and turns to
look at her house.

This time, she knows that she is not dreaming.

She runs out of the house and Michael watches her.

"Jen," he calls to her. He runs to her too and when they get near each
other, they are throwing their arms around each other.

"I love you," he whispers against her ear as he holds her close to him.
"Please believe that, Jen. I do. I've always loved you."

"I love you too, Michael," she tells him and when he kisses her, it is
just like in her dreams. He sweeps her off of her feet and he tastes
wonderful.

This time, she is not dreaming. She is awake and she knows that Michael
is really holding her and telling her how he feels about her.

It is what she has wished for so long to come true. And she knows that
if you wish long enough and hard enough, sometimes, it just might
happen.