My Dinosaur Era Chapter 12

 

planned to get drunk, abandoned plan, resurrected plan

woke up on the sofa, note on the coffee table from ginny

sleep well, timmy xx

movement brings pain, pain brings retreat back into the cushions

could be any time of day, can’t see the oven clock or phone from here

I throw my legs onto the floor, my body partially follows

the oven says ten eighteen am, no idea what time I fell asleep

I stand, my legs scream at me, my back echoes

in the kitchen I pop open a tube, chuck an electrolyte tablet into a glass

drown it in water, turn the tap on too hard, water waterfalls down on me

leave it all to settle, try not to think, only make things worse

 

somewhere in the room my phone is ringing

feels like it is coming from everywhere, stumble around

throwing cushions, on the floor it looks up at me

petula, it tells me

stoop to pick up, crack knee on table, hold the pain with one hand

grab the phone with the other

hiya, I say, feigning bright and breezy

hey you, she says, probably actually bright and breezy

I was about to call you, I say

a gentle lie, I would have called her once I was alive this morning

oh right, I thought I’d call you as I was just sat here, she says

yeah, great, cool, um, I say

are you ok, she says

yeah, I’m fine, just hungover, went out with ginny last night, that never ends well, I say

did you have fun, she says

yeah we did, I almost forgot that I was unemployed and probably unemployable, I say

that’s the spirit, she says

sorry, I am not really that negative, trying to be funny as ever, I say

you are funny, she says

look, I’m going to need an hour, assuming you still want to do something, I say

sure, that’s fine, shall I meet you outside your building in an hour then, she says

yeah, yeah, all good, I say

 

goodbyes come and go, feels off that she wants to meet outside

overthinking every crevice with my usual regularity

I stink, need a twenty minute cleansing, gas guzzling shower

 

return to the electrolyte mess, chug it

nausea abounds, no food in me for a day or more

wait though, there may have been crisps last night

glance around the flat, neater than when we got in last night

the ginny tidy fairy flitted around on her way out

my master plan to only have cleaning obsessives visit my domain

 

down the stairs to the main door, holding on

sweaty hands slide down the banister, squeaking

big breath at the door, rub my face with both hands

at least I smell good now

 

beyond the door, there she is, the sun is out today

sat on the wall, smoking

resplendent in a jumpsuit, the pinkiest pink on earth

she stands, walks towards me, gentle smile

she’s taller than me today

those boots are three inch motherfuckers

I stand up a bit straighter, I can be tall too, yeah I can

she doesn’t stop walking, puts her arms around me

a hug to replenish every cell in my derelict body

I hug back, feebly, grasping

 

hello, I say, as we come apart

hey, she says

um, that was a nice hug, I say

when I am hungover I usually want a hug, so I took a punt that you might, she says

I mean, I didn’t know I did until about twenty seconds ago, I say

she smiles down at her feet

so, what shall we do now, I say

when it’s a nice day, I walk to shoreham, have lunch there then get the train back, she says

if that’s what you want to do, then yeah, ok, I say

if you’re ok with that, she says

sure yeah, that’s fine, the only thing is, I didn’t really eat yesterday, I say

we can get bacon sandwiches from the meeting place on the way, she says

sold, I say

 

sitting in a shelter by the lawns, sandwich half inside me

a heartfelt hug, fatty meat, cheap bread

from near death to sublime hope, every piece of me thrives

though now I need to walk about five miles for my next meal

I take an extreme bite of the bread, come to me

petula eats her halloumi wrap delicately

desperately trying not to drip sauce down her jumpsuit

 

the sea is gentle today, the waves barely break on the pebbles

it oozes into the spaces, no crashing today

sandwiches done, we walk, along the lawns

personal trainers train people personally

a half grown dog flits in and out of the kettlebells

we reach the lagoon, water ski wannabes fly through the air

landing awkwardly in the shallow water

have you ever tried water skiing, she says

fuck, no, I say

she laughs, nudges into me

what’s so bad about it, she says

I dunno, the speed, the falling off, the very real risk of breaking yourself in two, I say

I think it looks fun, she says

perhaps we have very different risk profiles, I say

perhaps we do, she says

the beach starts to hide away behind fences

the landscape switches to industrial

lawns replaced by piles of aggregate and sand

a lorry passes us slowly, laden with a stack of timber

this part of the walk is a bit grim, I say

it’s my favourite part, she says

really, I say

yeah, I like looking at the silos, the trucks, the piles of whatever that is, she says

I’m learning so much about you today already, I say

oh yeah, like what, she says

hi, I’m petula, I like hugs, halloumi, the notion of water skiing and monster trucks, I say

she laughs, a proper head back laugh

to make someone laugh from some nonsense out of your head is a beautiful thing

I smile, trying to not be too pleased with myself

yeah, you’ve got me sussed, she says

 

soon the beach reappears, right next to the power station

we get coffee from the cafe, take the walkway to the locks

I always forget that they are here, I say

I love the locks, took me ages to come across them but now I’m hooked, she says

I’ll add locks to your list of likes, I say

right at the top, just behind hugs, she says

in the locks lies a huge ship, it gives me vertigo

ooh, a dredger, she says

how the fuck do you know it’s a dredger, I say

they have arms and legs, she says

the ship does have arms and legs, huge metal limbs

are you a ship spotter, I say

kinda, I do have a marine app that shows me what ships are around, she says

that’s weird and cute, I say

that’s my vibe, she says