My Dinosaur Era Chapter 36

 

we find a small shop, buy two beers

this time we go down onto the beach

start to walk across the vast sands

are you ok to carry on, I say

she glugs her beer, nods

mm, yeah, I can’t really leave it right there, can I, she says

the wind catches her dress, whips it around a bit

she giggles, in the midst of this

come on, she says

she takes my hand, we walk down to the shoreline

 

so, he comes back from wherever he went

it wasn’t scotland, he was back within two days

I think he just went to a hotel somewhere

he just walks in, plugs the router back in

ignores me totally, leaves my stuff on the kitchen counter

well, everything other than my passport

I don’t say anything, I was angry, incandescent with rage

but I knew he would just look at me like I was a child

a toddler having a tantrum

he had every morsel of power and he knew it

 

so that was a month ago, I tip toe around the house

he ignores me in the main

sometimes when he goes out he locks the door

takes my keys, I’m trapped

I climbed over the garden wall one time

next time he locked the back door too

 

other days he seems to want to make things right

cooks a meal, smiles at me, like he used to

I think that’s just when he’s horny though

we haven’t had sex in five months

way before all the festival stuff

 

that week when I first met you, he was away

that’s why I could get out more

I got a secret spare key cut, hid it in the bathroom

fucking pathetic isn’t it

then, he was back that day we went to shoreham

last weekend wasn’t it, fuck

seems like months ago

when I arranged to meet mum in seaford

well, he comes with me to visit her

we smile and pretend everything is alright

he is charming, touches me like he is with me still

and let’s be clear, he’s not

 

so when I was there, you texted me

your name popped up, he saw it

slipped my phone into his pocket, right in front of mum

and that was the last time I saw that phone

I asked him for it back on the way home

ignored me, smiling, silence

no, don’t apologise, how were you to know

how could you know that I was trapped 

and when I came to see you, to say I’d lost my phone

I wanted to tell you everything, like all of this

and I wanted you to hold me

I wanted you to make everything ok

but I knew that wasn’t fair

I barely knew you

and I knew that you would have helped me

I couldn’t put it all on you

 

then, when I came to your flat again, no reply

and then ginny’s hotel said she was on holiday

I knew you were here

I couldn’t stand it anymore

 

when he was at work, I searched the whole house

after three hours, I found my passport

I was so excited, fuck it, fuck it all I thought

I never did find my phone

I suspect he chucked it off the pier or something

I bought a new one in brighton, a ticket to here

all the money I had in the world

 

so I ran away and now I’m here

I don’t know what I will do next

but it can’t carry on, can it

I can’t keep letting him win

 

you’re probably wondering why I didn't just leave, right 

I tried to, I stayed with a friend, on their sofa for a couple of nights

but I was in their way, I felt guilty, my back hurt, I dunno

when I would go back, he would just smile

like, oh, you're back, what a surprise

he knew I had no money

the magazine barely used me after the switzerland no show

who can blame them

 

I know I must leave, I know I can’t tolerate this anymore

but, tim, and this is important

I am not asking you to save me

patrycja has said I can stay here with her for a while

but you know, it’s lovely here

you were certainly right about that

I dunno, I just can't go back

I won’t go back to that place