My Dinosaur Era Chapter 5

 

I don’t know the band we are seeing tonight, ginny had a thing with one of them last year, she’s had a thing with a lot of people in a lot of bands, I guess it’s what she does

she’s in a band

a band that rarely gigs because she has crippling stage fear

they’re great when they do actually play, bluesy rock, ginny lead singer

where else could she be

I look into my pint, dirty lager that I don’t want, ginny is talking to someone by the stage,a woman, tall, short dark hair, massive eyes, maybe she’s the one in the band she used to fuck, so hard to tell, could be any one of them

she’s been in a woman fucking phase but she may have switched to a man fucking phase

I don’t keep track

 

she comes back over to me

why do you always look sad, she says

because I feel sad, I say

she shrugs

did you see me talking to that woman over there, she says

yes, I says, she’s really tall and has massive eyes, I say

that’s petula, she says

no one is called petula, don’t be silly, I say

yes they are, she is, you are so blinkered sometime, timmy, she says

I shrug

I was telling her about you, she says

what were you telling her, I say

how funny and clever you are, she says

heh, fuck off, I say

no really, I think I sold you, she seemed into it, she says

into what, I say

you, you dummy, she says

why would she be into me, she’s stunning, I say

that’s the spirit, mate, always so fucking positive, she says

it’s true though, I say

it is not true, you moron, she is stunning and she has seen you and for whatever reason, she’s into you, so maybe just roll with it, she says

I shrug

 

we wait for the headline band to come on

ginny has disappeared into the throng

she’s so tiny, she could be anywhere

 

small, sweaty venue, I want to go home and watch jurassic park again,

petula has been shuffled to my side

she is too beautiful for me, ginny has lost her mind

again

always trying to find me that elusive woman who will

varnish over all the pain inside me

make me whole again

or 

some other nonsense

petula though, I say it over and over in my head

petula

petula

petula

are you having fun, says petula

not really, I say

you look like you want to go home, says petula

I always look like that, I say

she laughs, bites her lip, like she wanted to say something but doesn’t

I actually do want to go home and watch a film, I say

which film, says petula

jurassic park, I say

that is a great film, petula says

yeah, it is, I say

why don’t you go and watch it then if you are not into being here, petula says

I’m trying to get out more and talk to people and ginny made me come, I say

shall we go and watch the film, says petula

right now, I say

yes, says petula

are you not into being here either, I say

not really, too many people, ginny made me come, says petula

let’s buy snacks and drinks from M&S and go, I say

yes, let’s do that, says petula

 

we go to the M&S in the station, it lights up the night

petula waits outside and smokes

I go in, squinting, head banging with the all the brightness,

booze first, snacks second

I pick up four cans of passion fruit martini and four of gin and tonic

that was easy, snacks are trickier

beef hula hoops, chocolate coated peanuts

I dither over mini scotch eggs, go with no

scotch eggs are not a night time snack, they should be consumed in daylight

pick up some posh crips with a ridiculous flavour

is it enough

is it too much

why is she coming to watch the film with me

she’s too beautiful

her eyes hurt me, oh fuck

 

outside, she’s leaning against the wall, still smoking

the shop illuminates her, long legs encased in shiny black leggings,

her face partially obscured by the smoke, shadows

she looks at me and I hold up the bag, triumphant

I have hunted and I have gathered

she smiles, flicks her cigarette under a passing bus

 

I open the door to the flat, trepidatious, is there shit everywhere, is there porn flickering in the dark, is the fridge full of mushed up vegetables and rotting meat

the flat is tiny, a studio, no discernible rooms, just alcoves and a bathroom, deposit courtesy of jane

brighton is so expensive, crippling me, mortgage paid by another shit job, writing copy for a travel site, trying to make horrible sounding hotels seem like they are not so fucking horrible

 

petula, follows me in, throws off her jacket, it’s warm in here, left the heating on, I think about the meter clicking away, spewing fivers into the air

the place doesn’t look too bad, a couple of discarded sweatshirts but no wank tissues or obvious signs of me falling apart

she slumps onto the sofa, I go to the kitchen alcove, fumble all the stuff onto the counter, search in the cupboards for glasses that don’t make it look like I never use glasses

passion fruit martini in a champagne flute

gin and tonic in a tumbler

posh crisps in a pasta bowl

I’m going to try and stash the chocolate peanuts for myself, too good to share

 

I turn on a sidelight and petula emerges from the darkness, her face is so symmetrical that it makes me blink, her eyes seem the size of jaffa cakes in this light

why did I go with jaffa cakes, a ludicrous simile

I hand her gin and tonic, crash the crisps down on the coffee table

I sit next to her and turn the TV on, this huge beast that takes up half a wall, my portal to a world beyond my three and a half walls, the endless nooks masquerading as rooms

we’re sitting on my sofa, we’re sitting on my bed

I stand straight up again, realise I still have my jacket on, strip it off

 

just going to the toilet, I say, she smiles and nods at me

I don’t need to piss, I need to check if the toilet is full of shit or if the sink is caked in shaven hair

it looks ok, I splash bleach around, flush the toilet

I look in the mirror

my eyes are puffy, red, my cheeks are flushed

yet the rest of my face is a pure white

I haven’t shaved in a few days, patchy stubble, ear hair

my shaven head looks huge, it feels like it is filled with a viscose fluid

it sloshes when I think

 

I want to stay here, behind a locked door

how long would she stay if I just didn’t come out

I think of her on the sofa, waiting to watch jurassic park with me,

why me

I sit on the edge of the bath and stare at a towel