My Dinosaur Era Chapter 8

 

I push the key towards the lock, it slips to one side, the metal scratches the door slightly

I breathe in sharply, try again, it doesn’t fit, it won’t fit

petula is behind me, I want to kick the door down

third attempt, key slides in and I turn the lock, open the door

wow, says petula, you’ve decorated since I was last here, right

yeah, it needs another coat, I say

looks good as it is, such a vibrant green, she says, did you do it today, it seems really fresh

yeah, I did it after we spoke on the phone today, I’ve had the paint for two years, I thought it was about time, I say

so you spoke to me on the phone and then you painted your flat, huh, she says

I mean, I don’t know if it was so directly inspired by you, I say

she laughs, a light laugh that bounces off the ceiling

 

we only stayed for two drinks in the pub, it was noisy, nowhere to sit down

decided to watch the rest of jurassic park in my newly painted front room

I asked her about music, we decided that pj harvey was the actual queen of england

she doesn’t know any hip hop, I don’t really like sound garden, so 

there were bumps in the road

 

why are you here, I say

that’s a very odd question, she says

yes, I suppose it is, I say

she, takes the glass of wine I am holding out

takes a sip

looking at me with her still huge eyes

well, ginny said you spend a lot of time alone and well, so do I, so I thought, he might be someone who understands, she says

understands what, I say

understands why being alone is important, why hanging out with tons of other people can be fucking nauseating, she says

I drink some of my wine, we are still standing by the kitchen entrance

it feels awkward, why didn’t we sit down

and you’re about the same height as me and ginny said you liked music, she says

shall we put some music on, I say

what about the film, she says

we can watch that later, I say

are you sure you won’t fall asleep, she says

no, I don’t think I shall this time, I say

 

I put on pixies

because it is already on the turntable

everyone likes pixies

I love pixies, she says

everyone loves pixies, I say

 

we sit on the sofa

she leans back deep into the cushions

I perch on the edge, not sure if I want to commit to the comfort

ginny told me about jane, she says

oh, I say

she said not to tell you because you might be mad at her for saying, she says

I thought I would be mad but I’m not, I feel relief

what did she tell you, I say

petula sits forward, on the edge with me

that you loved her very much, that she died, she says

that’s all she said, I say

yeah, that’s about it, she says, and that you are still very sad about it

I nod slowly

it’s best that I tell you that I know about this, whatever ginny thinks, best that it is out in the open, she says, do you agree

I do, yes, I say, it usually upsets me when I hear her name but it didn’t this time

why do you think that is, she says

maybe because you surprised me, I say

it’s good to be sad and to miss her, tim, she says

I nod again

we don’t have to talk about this now, or ever, I just wanted you to know that I know, she says

I think I am less sad about it than I used to be, like, the other night, I wasn’t being avoidant, like ginny said, I was just a bit drunk and I fell asleep, not everything has a deeper meaning, I say

what about the twenty minute bathroom break, she says

I guess that was a bit avoidant, I say

she smiles, right at me, her face a breath away

jesus, you’re fucking beautiful, I say

I have a big weird face, she says

I like it, I say

good, she says

 

we listen to both sides of surfa rosa and drink more wine

I settle into the sofa, my torso leaning away from hers slightly

shall we watch the film now, I say

we can if you still want to, she says

have you seen peep show, I say

of course I have, she says, everyone’s seen peep show

I smile to myself

what’s so funny, she says

nothing, I say, maybe it’s just nice being here with you

careful, you don’t want to start liking me, she says

why not, I say

you might like it, she says

she’s right, I might like it, what then

 

we sit in silence for a while, the dog from next door yaps at a distant doorbell

it’s ok to just sit, you know, she says

yeah, I guess, I think I am always thinking of cool things to say and then playing them over in my mind, then immediately thinking they are not cool things at all, so I don’t say anything, I say

yeah, I do that sometimes, less than I used to, she says

how come, I say

I think something eased inside me, I don’t know when that happened, perhaps a year ago, she says

do you know why, I say

I think I just got so sad that I collapsed in on myself, she says

so are you happy now, I say

not really, it just matters less, she says

that’s an interesting take, I say

you can acknowledge your sadness and also then try to do happy things, she says

what are your happy things, I say

this is a happy thing, she says

what, being here, I say

yes, being here with someone who I feel good with, she says

I think the same about you, I say

well, that’s good, she says

she holds out her hand and I take it

we are both slumped into the sofa looking straight ahead

focused on the dormant television on the wall

it’s as if we are only connected by our fingers

our minds and bodies are at the other end 

of an invisible line of communication

 

the dog quietens itself, it’ll find a comfy spot beyond the wall

its eyes will close, it will dream of another time