My Dinosaur Era Chapter 8
By beanzie
- 15 reads
I push the key towards the lock, it slips to one side, the metal scratches the door slightly
I breathe in sharply, try again, it doesn’t fit, it won’t fit
petula is behind me, I want to kick the door down
third attempt, key slides in and I turn the lock, open the door
wow, says petula, you’ve decorated since I was last here, right
yeah, it needs another coat, I say
looks good as it is, such a vibrant green, she says, did you do it today, it seems really fresh
yeah, I did it after we spoke on the phone today, I’ve had the paint for two years, I thought it was about time, I say
so you spoke to me on the phone and then you painted your flat, huh, she says
I mean, I don’t know if it was so directly inspired by you, I say
she laughs, a light laugh that bounces off the ceiling
we only stayed for two drinks in the pub, it was noisy, nowhere to sit down
decided to watch the rest of jurassic park in my newly painted front room
I asked her about music, we decided that pj harvey was the actual queen of england
she doesn’t know any hip hop, I don’t really like sound garden, so
there were bumps in the road
why are you here, I say
that’s a very odd question, she says
yes, I suppose it is, I say
she, takes the glass of wine I am holding out
takes a sip
looking at me with her still huge eyes
well, ginny said you spend a lot of time alone and well, so do I, so I thought, he might be someone who understands, she says
understands what, I say
understands why being alone is important, why hanging out with tons of other people can be fucking nauseating, she says
I drink some of my wine, we are still standing by the kitchen entrance
it feels awkward, why didn’t we sit down
and you’re about the same height as me and ginny said you liked music, she says
shall we put some music on, I say
what about the film, she says
we can watch that later, I say
are you sure you won’t fall asleep, she says
no, I don’t think I shall this time, I say
I put on pixies
because it is already on the turntable
everyone likes pixies
I love pixies, she says
everyone loves pixies, I say
we sit on the sofa
she leans back deep into the cushions
I perch on the edge, not sure if I want to commit to the comfort
ginny told me about jane, she says
oh, I say
she said not to tell you because you might be mad at her for saying, she says
I thought I would be mad but I’m not, I feel relief
what did she tell you, I say
petula sits forward, on the edge with me
that you loved her very much, that she died, she says
that’s all she said, I say
yeah, that’s about it, she says, and that you are still very sad about it
I nod slowly
it’s best that I tell you that I know about this, whatever ginny thinks, best that it is out in the open, she says, do you agree
I do, yes, I say, it usually upsets me when I hear her name but it didn’t this time
why do you think that is, she says
maybe because you surprised me, I say
it’s good to be sad and to miss her, tim, she says
I nod again
we don’t have to talk about this now, or ever, I just wanted you to know that I know, she says
I think I am less sad about it than I used to be, like, the other night, I wasn’t being avoidant, like ginny said, I was just a bit drunk and I fell asleep, not everything has a deeper meaning, I say
what about the twenty minute bathroom break, she says
I guess that was a bit avoidant, I say
she smiles, right at me, her face a breath away
jesus, you’re fucking beautiful, I say
I have a big weird face, she says
I like it, I say
good, she says
we listen to both sides of surfa rosa and drink more wine
I settle into the sofa, my torso leaning away from hers slightly
shall we watch the film now, I say
we can if you still want to, she says
have you seen peep show, I say
of course I have, she says, everyone’s seen peep show
I smile to myself
what’s so funny, she says
nothing, I say, maybe it’s just nice being here with you
careful, you don’t want to start liking me, she says
why not, I say
you might like it, she says
she’s right, I might like it, what then
we sit in silence for a while, the dog from next door yaps at a distant doorbell
it’s ok to just sit, you know, she says
yeah, I guess, I think I am always thinking of cool things to say and then playing them over in my mind, then immediately thinking they are not cool things at all, so I don’t say anything, I say
yeah, I do that sometimes, less than I used to, she says
how come, I say
I think something eased inside me, I don’t know when that happened, perhaps a year ago, she says
do you know why, I say
I think I just got so sad that I collapsed in on myself, she says
so are you happy now, I say
not really, it just matters less, she says
that’s an interesting take, I say
you can acknowledge your sadness and also then try to do happy things, she says
what are your happy things, I say
this is a happy thing, she says
what, being here, I say
yes, being here with someone who I feel good with, she says
I think the same about you, I say
well, that’s good, she says
she holds out her hand and I take it
we are both slumped into the sofa looking straight ahead
focused on the dormant television on the wall
it’s as if we are only connected by our fingers
our minds and bodies are at the other end
of an invisible line of communication
the dog quietens itself, it’ll find a comfy spot beyond the wall
its eyes will close, it will dream of another time
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