Her Majesty Regrets

Her Majesty Regrets

"Nearly there sir", Reeves replied in response to the anxious query
from the figure sitting upright on the rear seat of the speeding
limousine. Richard glanced at his watch for the umpteenth time. Almost
eight o'clock. The sleek black Austin Princess with its discreet CD
plates had been on the road for over four hours and it hadn't stopped
raining in all that time. If he arrived late there would be the devil
to pay.

Only pressing political developments relating to the Peace Process
prevented the Ambassador from attending the funeral in person. He was
entrusting the task to his newly appointed aide de camp. Many members
of the Diplomatic Corps would be in attendance. The late Cecil
Tonson-Rye, VC, D.S.O, had been a most popular figure. His gift of a
large parcel of land to the town's Football club was only one of many
good will gestures to the local community. Because of the fragile Peace
Process, relations between their two countries were at a delicate stage
and Richard was very conscious of the importance of the occasion.

The Town Hall clock was striking 8 o'clock as the car swept to a halt
in the main square of the small market town sending water cascading in
all directions. " The Church sir? ". The little old man in the funny
pork-pie hat peered curiously at Richard through the rear window. "'
Tis just up at the top of the hill. "You'll be going to the funeral I
suppose? " But the car had already sped away, drenching the little man
yet again. "That's the Brits for you" he thought, ruefully peering down
at his mud-spattered tweed suit "still think they rule the bloody
waves".

It was a large funeral. Richard could see the cortege preceded by the
coffin, heading up the steep flight of steps to the main church
entrance. "Follow me sir". Reeves leapt from the car heading for the
side entrance. "We should just catch them".

The elderly widow seemed rather startled when Richard stepped forward
as the group of chief mourners reached the Church door. He had
rehearsed the speech many times on the journey down.

"On behalf of Her Majesty's Government, ma'am, I should like to express
sincere condolences on your sad loss. Her Majesty also asked me to
convey a personal message wishing to be remembered to you".

It was clear from the reaction of the bereaved family that Richard's
message of sympathy had made a strong impact. He drew himself up to his
full height and saluted smartly as the widow stammered her thanks
before following the cortege into the dimly lit church.

Richard was very glad to have Reeves on hand to mark his card. The
Ambassador's long time chauffeur was a veteran of many funerals. "What
you do now sir" he murmured "is hang on here for about ten minutes.
I'll go ahead and bag a good seat towards the front and then the entire
congregation will see you arriving. That'll knock 'em for six, sir!
".

The Church was packed to capacity. Richard paced slowly up the centre
isle. From the corner of his eye he could see many faces turning in his
direction. His plumed hat, tucked neatly under his left arm
complemented the magnificent dress uniform and his face bore an
expression of gravitas, in keeping with the solemnity of the occasion.
His mother, Lady Cecilia would have been immensely proud of him.

High above him in the organ loft a Pipe Band played a lament which
Richard found rather novel as indeed was the fragrant scent of burning
incense. Statues of saints, presiding over racks of flickering candles
looked down from the many side altars. With a start Richard realised he
was in a Roman Catholic Church. He hadn't expected that and felt
somewhat at a loss.

The funeral service was well under way when Richard's attention was
drawn to the six-man guard of honour standing each side of the coffin.
To his astonishment he noted that they were all quite elderly. Must
have been old wartime colleagues he reckoned. What surprised him even
more was the mode of dress. Some wore threadbare sports coats and
others fairly ordinary suits. However, despite their age, they stood
proudly erect ; each sporting a tri-coloured armband on the left
sleeve.

It was then with a sense of horror that he noticed for the first time
the large national flag of the Republic draped over the plain wooden
coffin ; sitting on top was a gun-belt encasing a Colt 45 Revolver, a
pair of leather gloves and an old style military style hat. Richard was
presiding over the funeral of an old Rebel Leader of the war of
independence of some 50 years earlier!. They had been directed to the
wrong Church???.

It took several minutes for him to realize the enormity of the error
and the awful consequences that could flow from it. The priest - who at
this stage had launched into a homily - was extolling the virtues of
the late departed. Reeves had by this time also realized the extent of
the blunder. "That old devil with the funny hat" he whispered
fiercely.

It was a time for cool heads. Richard decided to remain seated until
the funeral party had left the church, hoping that they could slip away
unnoticed.

It was not to be. As they emerged they were surrounded by hundreds of
mourners, including several press reporters. Camera bulbs flashed and
worse was likely to follow thought Richard as he spotted a television
cameraman and reporter bearing down on him.

"Your Excellency" a voice sounded in his ear, "my family very much
appreciate this kind gesture of the British Government. We would like
you to join us for refreshments in the local Hotel". Richard turned to
the speaker - a brother of the deceased - and with relief gratefully
accepted the offer.

It turned out to be quite an evening. Trays of sandwiches, large urns
of tea and barrels of creamy stout were the order of the day and
friends and relations queued up to talk to him telling him how much his
presence was appreciated.

Next morning most of the dailies showed his photograph. The story of
how the Queen of England sent a personal representative to the funeral
of an old Rebel made front pages headlines not only in the local papers
but in Fleet Street as well. The Ambassador sounded ecstatic on the
phone.

Richard's diplomatic career was well and truly launched.

THE END.