Mrs Peel (Diana Rigg model)

The first person to suggest Uma Thurman
will feel the back of my hand,
and not in a good way.
I agree that she was sexy like satin
in Pulp Fiction, and formidable
in Kill Bill, yellow tracksuit and all,
but to suggest that her Mrs Peel
was in any way close is a crime.
The catsuit does not fit all.

It's Diana Rigg every time,
mussed auburn hair,
array of bright cape coats,
mini skirts, pixie boots,
double breasted macs tucked
over a neat B cup,
and a knowing grin; the kind
that tuts, that says
you can run
but you won't get far.

Most notably hot,
her undercover get-up
as a Hellfire Club dancer,
complete with black basque,
spiked collar, python,
and hair piled up like Ronnie Spector.
Exchanging a wink with Steed,
sat in the front row, immaculate in tweed,
she leapt off the stage with fingersnap timing,
the steel boning
no damper on her fighting skills.

Could Uma Thurman
share a good-natured sherry,
the bouquet permeated with innuendo,
with Ralph Fiennes, who -
as good as he was in whatever -
is no Patrick Macnee?
Not really.

You need the husky laugh
that has never touched a cigarette,
the playful, surprised head twist,
the hint that, even when gagged and wired
by blackmailing monks
to a thousand-watt charge,
she's really quite enjoying this.