In the Name of Love Ch 1

Midnight hour.
The piercing shrill of screaming police cars rushed around the corner.
Distant shouts of local delinquent teenagers, high on alcohol and weed could be heard, no doubt causing usual troubles to the surrounding Estate.
They never shut up.
The clock with its tired, thin hands moved slowly.
The background chatter of the television distracted me.
Jonathan Ross interviewing Ricky Gervais. Now there was a funny man I mused.
I looked at the clock again.
12.05am.
The coldness outside descended upon our little two bedroom flat, enveloping it in darkness. Winter months were always surrounded by a feeling of gloom here, maybe because of the area we lived in, where little green grew, or the sound of passing police sirens every two minutes, forced you to remember exactly where you lived. The estate was notorious for crime, robberies, burglaries, muggings and assaults.
I remembered when the officer from the council had offered me the keys on Ashton Estate, knowing very little about it, I had accepted. After all, I had a baby of nearly a year old who needed a home, and the option of a flat was a damn sight better than a bed and breakfast, which is where we had been imprisoned for the first year of her life.
The father had been a one night morbid affair, while intoxicated on a cocktail of drugs and alcohol. I barely remembered what he looked like, or the feel of him, as he deposited Eva inside of me, and had never seen him again. By the time I realised Eva was Eva, he was a distant memory. Unimportant in the grand scheme of things, and was not a man who was suitable for fatherhood anyway.
I hadn’t been able to afford the luxury of tasteful décor, so the white walls were now grimy and dulled to a tinge of yellow, the red carpet with its faded patterns desperately in need of replacing. Furniture was second hand and sparse, but I had tried to make it as homely as possible, with its books, and memories put into picture frames, sitting on top of the mantle piece above the gas fire, little gifts Eva had made over the years at school, adorning any spare shelf in pride. I simply didn’t have the money. There was just about enough to pay bills, eat and get to work. My only luxury, as I would call it, was a pack of Old Holborn tobacco, I bought once a week, then I would roll them that thinly, it was like sucking on a blocked straw. Oh, and the lottery every week for a pound, well, I reasoned, this girl has to have some dreams. I looked around despondently, sucking on the blocked straw, waiting.
The sofa had seen better days, its frayed, torn edges having now been worn down into little holes, covered by a navy, cotton throw. I picked at the hole.
I suppose I had always dreamt my knight in shining armour would whisk me away from all this one day, except the knight in shining armour had turned out to be a sadistic bastard, who had battered me from one end of the room to the next, whenever the fancy took him, usually after a session in the pub with his mates. It had taken a court injunction to get rid of him, and a few hospitals visits for me. It had slightly put me off men, and it wasn’t the life I wanted for Eva. She deserved the best.
I had plenty of offers from the opposite sex, most of them so easy to read, their eyes travelling down my body over their pints, “single mum needs a shag and I’m just the man for the job”. But, I couldn’t be asked with any of it, although I’m not saying the occasional bunk up wasn’t a nice distraction. Who didn’t like to feel attractive and wanted, but I didn’t make a habit of it. After all, there was Eva to consider.
My mind wandered back to the matter in hand.
Where the hell was she?
12. 30am.
We had agreed she would be home by midnight. Her pimply, over hormoned boyfriend was supposed to be walking her to the door, prat that he was, it was certainly a damn sight better than her walking home alone around here. Some gig she had said when rushing out, her high heels clicking the lino kitchen floor,
“That new band I like are playing, remember I told you yesterday, Mum! Down at the Red Bull? I’ll be home by midnight, Josh is dropping me, so don’t worry. We’ll have a cuppa together and watch some telly when I get in, ok? Love you Mum!” She yelled, kissing me on the mouth, and slamming the door on her way out.

I was so tired I thought I might cry.
It had been a long day.
I couldn’t rest until I knew Eva was home.
I felt my hackles rising. The life of a teenager these days consisted of a social life and a social life. Friends, parties, clubs, gigs, parks and mobile phones! What happened to studies, and the way it was when I was young?
Closing my eyes, her face came to me, her sweet little face, surrounded by cascading locks of blonde hair, her large, crystal blue eyes, always full of mirth and warmth laughing at me now, her warm honey toned skin, not a blemish in sight, her radiant smile raising prominent cheekbones that any model would die for.
The day she had been born had been a turning point in my life. It wasn’t all about me anymore. I was responsible for this tiny being, to feed, keep clean, healthy and happy. I had someone to love, and someone who would love me unconditionally. This baby became my central reason for being, for breathing, for coming off the drugs and getting my act together.
For sixteen years I had been clean. Of course, it had been a struggle, the damnest hardest struggle of my life, but I had done it for her, when inside me she nurtured and grew, depended upon me. It had always been for her. I looked down at my arms, the angry, red needle scars long ago faded to white bumpy lines, but traces, nonetheless, of my past life still there if you looked very closely.
I called those “The lost years”, because I could barely remember who I had been back then, but some drug addict without a life, careening around, not caring about anything except the next fix.
I learnt back on the sofa and closed my eyes.
I could have tried her mobile, I suppose, but I had run out of credit yesterday, and wasn’t likely to top up until next week. Pay day. Life evolved around dates and numbers. I groaned.
At least Joe had given me some extra hours this month, so I’d be able to give a little thought to Christmas, which was only a few weeks off.
I knew Eva had her heart set on some music contraption, an ipod I think, and I had been trying to put a bit by for it, but Jesus, the price of it! She never went on about it though, not like some kids, who hounded you until you caved in. No, Eva understood how tight things were. All other bits and pieces were from the catalogues, which thank god, I could spend all year paying off! But I hated her to be without; or for her to feel she was inferior to half the other kids on this estate. No, I’d get that damn ipod if I had to steal it. Well……maybe more hours in the pub. More groaning.
God, I hated standing behind the bar some nights. The air thick with smoke and bodily odours of a days work, usually construction, or labouring, the sweaty smell belonging to men, with their over sized beer guts. I hated even more listening to the pathetic arseholes going on about their latest conquests, or football hero’s and matches, knowing for a fucking fact half of them were shagging the local tarts at every opportunity, whilst the poor haggard missus was at home, struggling to survive on the pittance these men graced their hands with at the end of every week to maintain a family, which was forever increasing from lack of birth control, and a shabby home to rear them all up in. Christ! The rest of their wages were spent in the pub, and that was at least half the money!
At least, I didn’t have that to contend with that crap. We were much better off, just me and Eva.
I often wondered with dread if Eva would settle with a bloke from the estate, or come home one day telling me she was pregnant. We had always been open about sex, and I had drummed into her that she did not want to limit her options to this existence, but guns blazing, shoot for the skies.
So it was a relief a few months ago, when she came home and told me she wanted to study law, a great job I thought! Make me proud girl! I smiled. She was a good girl really.

“MUM!!!Mum, open the door, MUM…. “Sobbing plea’s penetrated my dulled mind.
I leapt up in sheer panic running to the front door.
Eva bounded into my arms, collapsing, dragging us both down to the floor, where we sat, a tangled heap of arms and legs, whilst I frantically grabbed her face between my hands, bringing it up to mine, and looking at her, into her.
Her eyes were huge, mascara streaks caressed her cheeks like little rivers, and black rings had formed under her eyes. She stared through me.
“Eva, what’s happened? For fuck sake! What’s happened?” I sounded shrill, but I couldn’t keep the desperation out of my voice.
Shaking her roughly, I shouted.
“Eva, EVA!”
She continued to sob, broken whimpering sobs, her hands clinging to my jumper, while trying to bury her face into my neck.
I gathered her to me, my heart pounding so hard, it matched the rhythm of hers, trying to stop my body from shaking. I clung to her, as she did me, both drowning in individual nightmares. Her little face buried into my neck, as had been a habit of hers when she was a baby, her breathe warming my chilled skin, dampness of her tears sinking into my flesh.
“Eva” I tried to sound calm.
I could see she wasn’t hurt. So perhaps that bloody cunt Josh? I felt my head begin to thump in rage. The thought of his grimy, sweaty little hands anywhere on Eva’s precious skin, sent murderous thoughts through my mind. Clear visions of a hundred ways to kill him leapt up in flashing pictures.
“Is it Josh?” I spat.
She shook her head side to side, still clinging to me.
I must be calm I thought.
I took a deep breath, trying to stem all the confusing emotions, that any minute now would tip me over the edge.
“Eva, talk to me, please baby, talk to Mummy.”
In little broken, racked sobs, that reminded me of when she had been a small girl, having just grazed her bony knee on harsh concrete, and seeing the blood, she whispered in my ear.
And the more she whispered, the more I wished it had been Josh.
And the nightmare began.