Thoughts

There are parts of my life that I need to sort out and hopefully I
can solve many problems that I have created. It will take time but I
want things to be right as much as possible. Events happened in my life
with no proper planning or with no true direction. With the result that
they failed. I wish to correct those failures and give them the best
start in life that they should have had from the beginning. Is that so
wrong? I believe I was just muddling through my life with no real
thought about where I was heading. It created unhappiness and the
feeling that I was drowning. I couldn't escape and was getting more
tied down.
I know my way of achieving things are unconventional and maybe
difficult but I am never straightforward in the way that I have
thoughts. It gives the appearance that I need help or I am incapable of
doing what's right for myself. But I have had to survive through very
difficult situations in my time and I have learnt to cope. Probably
more than even I realised about myself. It's made me stronger and
determined to do things the way that I want. I don't intend to hurt or
upset and I'm aware that my actions look to others that I'm cold or I
don't care. It's not the way. I'm sensitive to what others feel about
me and over time I have built a wall to protect the softer parts of me
from receiving more damage.
I feel I was raised with love and also to care about others with
sensitivity.
I am open minded and accept people for what they are no matter how
different. I don't judge and feel that I'm a good listener. If I can, I
try to help people with problems or just offer to hear them out.

I'm aware that I make decisions on the spur of the moment and it's this
that gets misread. I'm frightened that my wants won't be recognised or
understood and I take matters into my own hands. I then deal with the
consequences that this has created after. Strange way of doing things I
know. Maybe it's a form of defence. This won't change; it's a part of
me. It's how I've learnt to deal.
Life experiences make the person that you become. I have always felt
that I was different in some way. It's nothing that I can say for
definite what it is. Maybe when I am my true self I wont feel like that
anymore.
I am tired of fighting with life. I want to enjoy it.
I fear death even though I crave it sometimes. Maybe I wasn't. Maybe
it was a cry for help. I don't believe anyone wishes to die deep down.
If life were easier for them the thought wouldn't be there. Death is so
final. But I believe there are a life after and a heaven with different
planes. The higher the plane the better you were in life. I've spoken
to my father a number of years ago whilst using an ouja board. It was a
dangerous thing to do I know. I was young and unaware of what I was
dealing with. Luckily it was ok. But it's change my beliefs and he's
there with me all the time. So I have guidance and help. It's silent
but I think about what he would feel and I change or modify my
decisions. I have never really come to terms with his death. He died in
1986 when I was just sixteen. I remember every detail of his death
right down to the time and date. Talking about him upsets me more than
it should. I feel that if I could just close this chapter in my life
things will be clearer and easier to solve. It's a difficult thing for
anyone to have to cope with. It can't always be handled the way in
which it should. What is the right way to deal with it anyway? Who
makes the rules? You deal with it in the way your life dictates to you
at the time. There was a circumstance surrounding his death which only
came to light 15 years later, which explains the reasons behind it. To
me it doesn't ease the burden. I still find it hard to come to terms
with. Maybe the age I was, at the time, made this difficult. Or the
relationship I had with him.