Dearest Jen

I recently split up with my girlfriend (1 week ago to be precise). We had what can only be described as an up and down relationship for 18 months yet it was still special. There were by the end many fundemental flaws that stopped us from enjoying each other. Some things I believe that can be changed, others I accept that can't. We didn't fight, we didn't argue, we just slowly petered out in front of my eyes. To say it's been devastating is an understatement. I don't think I've ever felt so low. Why? Because I miss her and I love her. I wrote this letter to make sense of what's happening. I haven't sent it.

Dearest Jen,

I am sorry if this comes at a bad time in the break-up process and I am sorry if you feel like you've turned a corner and were starting to settle. It is not my intention to upset you, to anger you, to confuse you or to complicate our relationship further. I hope that you understand that my intentions are sincere and my heart is in a huge mess. This, be it closure or something else, is how I must convey to you all my thoughts on where I stand today. It might be somewhere I stand alone but that is the risk I take. Please don't let what follows frustrate you and please don't let it give you any negative opinions of me. But if I have an everlasting regret it's that I wrote all this down and never got you to read it, instead filing it away with all my other words forever seen by no-one. And maybe it'll be my last act, a thank you and final outpouring for everything that you did for me. I am but a man with a broken heart asking a girl to fix it.

I think that sometimes when you feel like I do at this moment that it's best to write everything down and try and make more sense of where you find yourself, where you might be going, and more importantly where you've come from. It would be wrong of me to deny how much soul-searching I have done and how much sadness I have felt over these last few days. Despite there being many undeniable flaws within our relationship I cannot yet look past how much I miss you. This is inevitably all part of the process but it seems to be one I am currently stuck at. It would be wrong of me to deny that the decision we have made isn't the right one for this time, as you said yourself you had given up on the relationship a while ago and if you're honest you were just waiting for me to catch up. I've caught up now and the situation has caught up with me. The days have been long and hard, there's not much light out there and it's been hard to see any. My heart and my stomach ache a lot as I play over all the things that I should've done, the words I should've said, the times I should've taken control. I know that some of those things may have been portrayed, to you at least, as out of character. I am after all but a man of simple ways and pleasures, but to know that I once had a girl as beautiful as you and to see it slowly slip away in front of me without much fight, that strikes deep and no man can say they wouldn't change a small part of themselves to know that they did right by those things. There must never be regrets in life but when it comes to you, to us, I cannot shake regrets right now. And it would not have been too out of character if I'd done a little more to keep the fires burning as I know now that the simplest aspects of our relationship needed to be changed and there were chances to do that.

This isn't to say that I am all to blame as I found it difficult to maintain your happiness and you obviously felt guilt at times when I just didn't figure in your plans. And I understand this, I know why. I cannot blame you for wanting to change your life, I cannot deny you the right to be free-spirited and determined in life. I admire these qualities in you so much, you are a truly wonderful person with a big heart and a strong desire. You expected more heart from me and for that I'm sorry that I couldn't fulfil those desire you had. It pains me time and time again that I didn't do more, but it hurts more that we didn't pull through together.

My mind is currently in over-drive with thoughts of you. Your beautiful smile, cheeky laugh, exquisite body and Mr Tickle arms around me are just some of your attributes I miss. With writing all these thoughts and feelings down I hope to come to terms with what has happened. Part of me thinks of times that weren't so good, the times I've mentioned before when I could've done more and I know this is what the decision was based upon. I hold no resent for that. But, and maybe as to be expected, I think more of the fun we did have, of the times we did laugh and we did enjoy each other for who we were. There was a reason that we got together in May last year and I still hold true to that. In you I saw a beautiful young woman with whom I wanted to share my life with. It was all so tentative at first but we grew and I was so glad to say that you were mine. Now I have to look back and say she was mine and for my own fault and heavy heart I did not enjoy her or maybe sometimes really appreciate her as much as I should've done. And that's why I feel such a sense of loss and longing for you again. I believe that we could still call upon the better times and make them our own but with a lot clearer minds as to what we expect of each other. You must trust me when I say that at times I wasn't myself and you really didn't get to see the best of me. I can be so much more than I was and I would have so much to prove to you I know.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to have someone who cares for you and loves you. I have done all of these and would be delighted to do them again. It's that old cliché but you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone and now you're gone I feel so empty, there's a hole where you were, there's a loneliness to my day. But I accept that no amount of meandering words on a page will convince you that I am the man you really seek, but my intentions are true and my words are heartfelt. You saw something in me once and I refuse to believe that's disappeared all together. You wanted more passion and I agree at times we were devoid of it and that really puzzles and upsets me that we couldn't find it. But I have a passion to write and I write a lot more than you know as it helps me to articulate the thoughts in my head. I would want nothing more than to march up to your front door and pour out these very words to your face but I get stuck, I get scared and I never truly say what I really want to. I do feel that I'm slightly hiding behind this page but the freedom which I have without interruption is crucial. As I said to you before I've never really opened up to you so this is part of me that you need to see. And if anything this has been good therapy for me.

I do not expect a u-turn from you, I do not expect you to change your mind so easily or even at all. Once someone's mind is made up you cannot change it and I stick by that. I understand why we are where we are right now, I agreed after all. But I said to you that I wanted to fight and I did, a little, but I could see it in your eyes that you already knew what you had to say. It was very brave and I can't imagine how that must have felt. The conflicting emotions I now feel are ones I doubt you have so severe and it's very hard to describe the anguish, anxiety and sometimes desperation that I have. That's not to doubt that it doesn't hurt you too and I'd like to think you miss my presence in some way. I think you probably feel more relived with the situation now and have more time for you which is always important as you must always look out for number one. I know that I must use this time wisely and think about what I want, but right now I want you back. I always thought that we should give it one more chance, just to see if it really was dead or in fact more alive than we thought. It would make me so proud to look at you again and to smile knowing that you gave me a chance, gave us a chance.

You can do what you please with what I've said here. I know that we've gone through it all and the decision was made, I accept that. But if you don't ask, or at least suggest or imply, you don't get and I will be so bold as to say that I've never done anything like this before, I've never reached out in such a way. I am more romantic than you think, I love you more than you think and I just want to be able to prove it and I hope this does a little. Maybe I'm desperate, maybe I just need closure, maybe I just need to stop waffling but writing is easing the pressure I'm putting myself under so probably a few more words you'll have to endure. But I must tell you now that when I saw you on stage at 42nd Street, whenever I've seen you sing with that effortless beauty you have which really can bring me to tears, whenever I've watched you dance, whenever you've put your full effort in to a project at work, whenever you've been relaxed at home, whenever you've been out walking in the Shire, whenever you've been drunk and undoubtedly hilarious, whenever we've fought over Instagram rights, whenever you've invited me in to your home, whenever you've needed my help, whenever you've called or text, whenever you've got angry or upset, I've always been proud to say that I knew you, that you were mine, that you were the most special person in the world to me and that I loved you because you are so fantastic, so talented and so beautiful. You are my passion.

I love you xx