The Prince, the Wizard, and the Quest for a Virgin

Once upon a time there was a great King. The king had a son, Bruce; he was the prince of the land. Bruce was a fair prince who always treated those below him with respect and kindness. He also refuses to be on the bottom during sex, but that really doesn’t contribute anything productive here.

Naturally, like all humans, the King grew old in age. As custom, the Bruce is supposed to take the throne after his father’s death. This grew increasingly relevant, as the King was diagnosed with old age and his time on the throne was soon to be up. So he took time every day to teach Bruce about how to be a successful King.

“Now remember, son, as King, you are not to give a shit about whether or not you’re going to be re-elected.”

“Why?”

“Because there are no elections! This isn’t a democracy, this is a monarchy, which is pretty badass.”

“Then why do I have to learn how to be successful as a King?”

“Remember King Louis XVI?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s why.”

Bruce couldn’t wait to be King. Every-so-often he would go to the throne room and plan out how he will decorate it; to make it his own. He already designated one area to his royal swords, shields, and jewelry. On the adjacent wall, he plans to hang all of his Grateful Dead, Phish, and String Cheese Incident posters, to signify he is one in the same as the common-folk.

Then the day finally came where the King was given only a week left to live, and Bruce could not be more excited. As soon as he heard the news of his dad’s impending death, he spent no time putting the finishing touches of his formal preparations to become King.

As all this was happening, the evil wizard, Colden, was keeping a close eye on all that was happening. Nobody knew he was evil, for he was the King’s close advisor who grew jealous of the King’s power, and sought to have the power himself. He saw this as an opportunity become King, and he jumped on it.

“Uh your majesty, I know this is a bad time to talk to you about this, but, really, with your condition anytime is going to be a bad time. So I’ll just get it out of the way.”

“It’s alright Colden, it’s not all bad. I can still move all 5 of my appendages, if you know what I mean?”

“Yes, your majesty, I do.”

“My dick still works.”

“I know, I understood your reference.”

“Now, what would you like to tell me?”

“Well, I was just reading through the law of the land, and there seems to be a problem with your son taking the throne.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, according to the law, you have to be married to be King.”

“I was never aware of this law”

“It’s, uhh, new. It was literally just passed.”

“Huh, I knew nothing about this, but it sounds legit.”

“It most certainly is extremely legit.”

The King, failing to realize that he is the only person to pass laws, quickly called his son into his room to tell him the news. Bruce now had only a week to get married.

At the same time, Colden informed the King that he should start looking into other people to take the thrown, incase his son should fail to himself. He also made it extremely clear multiple times each sentence that he was married.

“Colden, you are my best advisor, it is only appropriate that if my son does not get married by the time I die, it shall be you who takes the thrown. You can also get my wife, I dreamed we had a threesome one time and it was fucking awesome. Play your cards right and you could be the one with the three-way, not me.”

So Bruce, wasting no time in his quest for a wife, searched through every night club, bar, and rave in all the kingdom in search of any woman desperate enough to get married a week after meeting someone. He wore some of his royal jewelry to make sure all the women knew that he was filthy rich. After talking with hundreds of fat, chronically ill, retarded, and birth-defected women, he finally met one woman who he could see as a potential bride: Claudia.

“So, you have like, a ton of money?”

“I am also a prince, and a really great guy!”

“But, like, with a ton of money right?”

“Yes.”

“I would love to marry you, but I’m only 17, which means I need consenting parents and they will never consent to this.”

“Really? Damnit.”

“Wait! I remember hearing somewhere that if the woman was to get pregnant, than parent consent would not be necessary.”

“So, what do you want to do?”

“Uh, get pregnant. Don’t worry I can just get an abortion after the wedding.”

“Don’t have to convince me of this!”

So Bruce and Claudia fucked and Claudia got pregnant. The wedding was on! All the arrangements, invitations, and planning was completed and not even two days after Claudia’s pregnancy the wedding was all set to happen. Villagers from all the outreaches of the kingdom came to attend the wedding, even the King, who has become bed-ridden, put on his nicest robe and adult diaper just for the occasion. But Colden would not give in that easily.

“Claudia is pregnant!” Shouted Colden.

“Uh, yeah, I know she is,” replied Bruce, “that’s why this whole thing is able to happen.”

“Oh, well by all means get married. It’s just that you won’t be able to be King though.”

“Uhh what?”

“Yeah, turns out that the law states that the bride of the King-to –be must be pure, which means virgin.”

“WHAT?”

“Yeah, I just discovered this law and thought it was necessary to tell you. Thank God for me.”

“So, what does this mean for us, Bruce?”

“Well, it obviously means I need to find a girl who’s 18 and doesn’t need her father’s consent. Thanks for the sex though. Now get the fuck out of here, slut.”

Claudia ran out in in tears, screaming about how he’s “a inconsiderate pig” for not marrying her. Bruce didn’t care, he had bigger problems to worry about; such as becoming King.

Bruce didn’t have the time to search for his bride-to-be. His dad’s condition has been getting worse by the day. He needed to think of some way to get a woman, and fast. So, he decided to seek Colden’s magical help, because Colden is a wizard, so he must be able to find a match for him.

When Bruce got to Colden’s lair, it was locked and the lights were out. Bruce didn’t have time to guess whether Colden was actually home or not, so as loud and hard as he could he knocked on the door, shouting at Colden to let him in. After a minute of straight knocking, the door broke and swung open. The house was completely uninhabited. So Bruce decided to enter, because he’s the ruler of the land, the owner of the world, the pisser of alcohol, he can do whatever the hell he wants.

Colden’s lair was, for the most part, neat and organized. He has all his magazines in alphabetical order, dishes all put away and the pillows organized symmetrically on the couch with the smallest in the middle and the largest on either end. Bruce went from room to room seeing if Colden was home and was just, like, sleeping, or something. When he got to his research corner, he noticed Colden’s spell book, entitled “Kingdom Laws and Customs.” When he picked it up he noticed some scraps of paper sticking out from a few of the pages. As he opened it up to the first scrap, written on it was “create some law that says you have to be married to be king.” On the second scrap, it is written “then say the bride has to be a virgin.” There was also a third scrap that said “3 days until I get to fuck the King’s wife!”

Bruce couldn’t believe what he learned: A true wizard, and one of his best advisors has been trying to sabotage Bruce becoming King. Bruce decided that he has to now expose Colden, and take his place as the King of all the land.

Bruce was short on time, which means logic and common sense was thrown out the window. He needed to find out where Colden was. Luckily, in the room adjacent to the research corner, there was his magic talking cauldron; because since Colden was a wizard, he absolutely has a talking magic cauldron.

“Oh magic cauldron, where has your master gone?”

“Look, kid, if I fucking knew I would love to tell you. I hate him.”

“You do?”

“Look inside me, do you know what that is?”

“Magic soup?”

“It’s Vaseline. I’m a goddamned talking magic cauldron, and all he ever does is fill me up with Vaseline. I sit in here, alone, all day and then twice a night he comes in here, scoops a handful, smears it on his dick and then masturbates intensely in-front of me.”

“But I thought he was married?”

“Have you ever seen his wife?”

“No.”

“Because he doesn’t have one. He’s a lying and horny and evil and he looks like he smells like warm urine. So I don’t know where he is. But on that desk next to me is his day-planner. I’m sure he has something about where he is in there.”

And indeed there was. Colden was currently at a meet and greet with the former U.S. president Al Gore, and in one hour he was going to visit the King. Bruce decided to meet up with Colden with the King and expose him there. So he grabbed Colden’s “spell book,” took a scoop of Vaseline from the cauldron, masturbated, and headed on over to his dad.

When he got into his dad’s room, he found him in awful shape. He was as pale as can be, as wrinkled as can be, and it was medically impossible for him to get the boner he once so loved. He was becoming delusional, and could not think clearly all that well.

Only a couple minutes later, Colden came into the room. And Bruce wasted no time exposing the filth he has been doing.

“Dad, Colden’s been lying the entire time. He made up the laws about having a wife and needing to be a virgin. He did it all so he could be King. He’s a power-hungry madman who manipulates what people know and believe and makes laws to fit his immediate needs. He doesn’t even have a wife. He cannot be allowed to run the kingdom.”

“Colden doesn’t have a wife? So he can’t be King?”

“Bruce doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

“No, dad, that’s not the point I was trying to make at all. I don’t need to have a wife to be King”

“Your majesty, I can assure you that those laws are legitimate and real.”

“I have these notes written by Colden himself that explicitly say they were made up.”

“Oh, well, if that’s the case, son, then I hereby crown you King of all the land. I also give you my wife. She’s still got some moves left, if you know what I mean.”

“Dad, that’s my mom, that’s gross.”

“Good timing too, because I don’t think I have much more time on this Earth. Nor do I want any more time, once you go flaccid not much more to live for is there?”

And with that, the King passed away. Leaving Bruce, the new King of the land, to do as he pleases with Colden.

“Well, Colden, you’re bound by my will at the moment.”

“I…I can explain. You’re still young, don’t you think it would be better having someone more experienced with the crown? I mean I was only trying to protect you.”

“Kill him.”

So Colden went on to be burned at the stake. Bruce went on to rule the land with his newly married wife and Queen, his mom. Together, they ruled fairly, kindly, and efficiently; leaving enough time each day for Bruce to get a taste of that sweet poontang his father has told him about on his death bed. The magic cauldron was turned into a Jacuzzi, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The. End.