Happy Meal
By chuck
- 1670 reads
Off in the distance the young fisherman can see the lights of the other
boats. Some are fishing, some off-loading diesel fuel from a small
Malaysian tanker. Normally he would be among them but tonight his boat
is alone on a quiet part of the Andaman Sea. The dark water is speckled
with silver by the crescent moon. Above is the bowl of night. The sky
is clear black velvet pinpricked by a billion stars. There are two men
on the boat. Noi, the older man, says "Soon Kop, you will be
going."
"The man from Sumatra?" asks Kop.
"He was here again. It's all been arranged. A job in a
restaurant in Pattaya."
"What do I do there?"
"You wait for instructions. It's the kind of place where they like to
eat. Jai yen yen Kop, patience, soon we will be
hitting back."
He had seen photographs. Flag-draped coffins. Muslim boys not much
older than himself, fighting tanks with slingshots. Dying in the
streets to protect the faith. Soon he would be joining them.
* * *
Bert's breezy arrival in the hotel lobby doesn't make much impression
on the sour-faced Chinese night clerk behind the counter but Bert
doesn't let it faze him. He's back. Home base baby. Nothing can stop
him now. The bars are open for another couple hours so now it's just a
question of making himself beautiful, putting on his best smile and
hitting a few hotspots. Look out girls here I come.
Pretty soon he is standing in the shower and hot water is running down
his tattooed arms and over his hairy chest. Boy it feels good to wash
off 12 hours of planes and airports, the accumulation of stale sweat
and body odors and itches...the grime collected during the taxi ride
with its sticky seat and failing aircon...it would be really nice to
wash some other things off too...3 failed marriages, 2 bankruptcies and
a bulging midriff for starters...but hey lets not go there right
now lets concentrate on making ourselves desirable, sing along with me guys, "One night in
Bangkok..."
He is shampooing his crotch when he notices the leading member of the
trio between his legs seems a little withdrawn. Jetlagged probably?
Well don't you worry little buddy. Uncle Bert soon find some little
cutie to take care of you. We did it old pal, we're back in
Sin City. Bangers as the limeys call it. Bangkok. Oriental setting, and
the city don't know what the city is getting...who the hell wrote that
anyway?...the Abba guy was it?...well a hard man is going to stumble
tonight baby and you know what? The hard man don't give a shit. Bring
it on baby. After Saudi fuckin' Arabia you and me are entitled to a
little R &; R.
* * *
Noi moves a tarpaulin in the bottom of the boat and exposes a wooden
box. The top has been pried open and Kop can see that it contains what
look like metal eggs, each one packed in its own section of the box.
"Hand grenades,"says Noi, " perfectly safe until you take the pins
out."
He takes a couple of the grenades out of the box and balances them in
his hands. He gives one to Kop and tells him to watch closely.
Noi holds the grenade in his closed hand. Slowly he pulls the
pin, counts one, two, and throws
the grenade. There is a bang, muffled because of the water and a small
spout shoots up.
"The water's good," says Noi, "We don't have to worry about fragments.
At most you have 5 seconds before you throw them. These are Chinese so
better to get rid of it after 2 seconds. Otherwise there's not much to
it. Just remember -- the further you throw it the less likely you are
to get hurt. OK try one."
Carefully Kop holds the grenade the way Noi showed him then standing
in the boat he removes the pin and throws it as far as he can. Nothing.
Then whoomph!!! A loud bang and a spume of water flies up 20 meters out
to sea. "Good,"says Noi, "You could have waited another second. Want to
try a couple more?"
* * *
Bert has found pretty much what he was looking for in Nana Plaza. It
didn't take long. She said she was 18, nice body, clean and spoke a bit
of English. He paid the bar fine figuring he'd check her out, try one
all night session before suggesting a trip to Pattaya. The sex had been
OK. Not great because of all the beers he'd been drinking but he'd got
his rocks off. She'd passed the smell test too so today she'd come with
him in a taxi to Pattaya. Better than taking a chance there and finding
all the best girls taken. Shit, he could always send her back to
Bangkok if things didn't work out. After 3 months in the Gulf he was
looking for a bit of fun, not a wife. One of those was enough
for any man.
Pattaya was OK. Few too many Ay-rabs wandering about but not near as
bad as Bahrain and at least you got to see some skin.
* * *
"OK Kop. It only takes seconds to cook these things. Listen
carefully."
Kop arrived in Pattaya 2 days ago and this is his first day in
McDonalds. A girl called Supervisor is explaining how things work. It's
all done with things called 'work-steps' she tells Kop.
"One work step for instance, of about 1? to 2 minutes," says
Supervisor (recently promoted from Controller), "could be making 12
cheeseburgers: One. Lay out cheeseburger buns on tray and put the bun
bottoms in specific cheeseburger-bun-bottom-toaster. That's this thing.
Two. Put burgers on grill. Three. Put bun lids in cheeseburger-
bun-lid-toaster. OK? Four. Take out buns and with BOTH HANDS, one
squirt of ketchup&;mustard from the special McDispencer, this thing,
add onions (6oz.), gherkin (1 slice), cheese (1 slice). Five. Move the
whole tray and click it into the slot in front of the grill here - by
which time the grill automatically opens like this. Six. Put hands in
grill to salt and the remove burgers, two at a time and put on bun
bottoms. At this point the lid-toaster beeps and you slide the 12 lids
onto the 12 burgers in one swift movement and then give the whole tray
to the Controller for wrapping. Got it?"
Kop isn't sure. Supervisor speaks quickly with a Bangkok accent and it
all seems like a lot to remember.
"Now Kop you will notice that everyone who works here has burns and
scars from their fingers to half way down their forearms; the longer
they have been working, the deeper and more permanent the scars - but,"
showing Kop her light brown and spotless arms Supervisor assures him
not to worry because "They disappear after a while."
Then she goes on to explain the division of labor.
"The labor is further divided again and again as required. For
example you can do the burger, cheeseburger, Big Mac bit
yourself. When two people work at the cheeseburgers, then one does
rolls and laying out burgers, and the other does fillings and taking
burgers off the grill. If there are three of you then you get a roll
person, a burger person and a fillings person. So in busy periods it
splits and splits, until it finds its own equilibrium. See?" Kop is
wondering to himself. Do they really eat this stuff?
"Look I'm sorry," says Supervisor, "I know how you feel. My job is to
explain it all to new people and make sure things run smoothly. Don't
worry. You'll soon get the hang of it." Kop doesn't think so. He is
beginning to get a headache.
"Co-operation is the key to success," now she's talking faster and
faster as if she wants to get the lecture over with. She has
obviously delivered it more than once, "As each step is so defined
etc. etc. ketchup etc. etc." she just drones on and on and
Kop wishes he was back on the fishing boat bobbing gently on the
Andaman Sea. "So you see Kop, the absolute precision
of the work process enables seamless co-operation and a full use of
every work minute of every worker. Phew! Excuse me a
sec. I need a sip of water."
Kop looks around. There are other young people like himself wearing the
black pants and red McDonalds shirts. They all
look as though they know what they're doing. Now Supervisor is
back with a cup of water.
"You're not allowed to do this," she says, "help yourself to a drink I
mean. This is a big McCup by the way. You get a five
minute break every two hours, and a half hour break every four. You can
drink a small McCup of water in the break room
- back there. OK what else? One month probation with a three-day notice
period, then a two-week notice period after that
"Uh, OK, this is Malee," Supervisor indicates a small grinning girl
with a pony-tail, "Malee this is Kop. He'll be working with
you. Go easy on him."
Supervisor goes back to the front counter where they come to order the
stuff. Kop thinks Malee is OK at first but as the day wears on she
starts to get on his nerves. She keeps saying things like, "Only two
slices of gherkin on those, Kop, and don't squeeze the McDispencer so
hard." And she's always laughing with Controller, about him probably.
Khwanjai, the supervisor, watches Kop without making it too obvious.
She knows all the work steps inside out. Keeping an eye on the staff is
the main part of her job and especially the new employees. They all
tend to react differently. Some are awkward from day one and stay that
way. Others pick it up quickly and even seem to enjoy it. Some people
obviously get a kick out of the teamwork. The feeling of being part of
a smooth working group organism can be exhilarating; when it's all
going well and you can hardly believe how fast the food is coming out,
and when you look round to do something and, bang, there's someone
doing it that very second. Khwanjai likes the 'modern ness' of it all.
But she thinks this Kop kid seems a bit too jai-rorn for working in the
kitchen. Impatient, hot-tempered. It might make more sense to put him
in the freezer.
* * *
Bert leaves the girl in the hotel room watching TV. There isn't much
for her to steal and he sure as hell doesn't want to take her anywhere
near a department store. He just wants to stretch his legs a bit. Maybe
get a bite to eat. He wanders down Beach Road which seems much as he
remembered it from last year. Palm trees, traffic, tourists on
deckchairs. Burger King, he notices, are having a promotion but Bert
heads for the Golden Arches anyway and the familiar menu. He soon
decides on No.5 the BigMac/fries/coke combo. There
are some things on the menu he's never heard of Spicy
Chicken with jaew sauce for god's sake and papaya salad? But
hey the Coke is the same, good old Coke. They hadn't messed
with that. And you always knew where you stood with a BigMac.
"Bik fly? Medium fly?" squeaks a cute young Thai lady name-tagged
Malee.
Ah, a decision is needed. "Medium," Bert booms back.
"Ee here? Tayaway?"
"What? Oh here," says Bert,"eat here krap."
He enjoys these little exchanges. The staff in Thailand's Mcdonalds
are much cuter and more polite than the surly latinos he runs into in
the States these days. Shit, some places you don't speak Spanish you
don't get served. But in Thailand it's East meets West at it's best.
The washrooms are usually spotless and the food is OK too. The
hamburgers are what he's used to and the French fries are perhaps even
better. Maybe because they hadn't switched over to low cholesterol
cooking oil yet. One or two regional refinements had slipped in since
his last visit he noticed the Samurai Burger whatever that
was, and the aforementioned Spicy Chicken, but that was OK. It
lent an exotic touch to the familiar menu and made you feel a bit like
you were in a foreign country.
The menu is in two languages, Thai and English, but other than that
and a few other local promotional touches, it's all very clean,
comfortable and reassuring. Exactly what you look for when you
go abroad. The Thais seem to have taken to fast food as well. Good to
see them putting on a bit of weight. Bread and potatoes, they
loved it. Bringing in the kids and putting a smile on their
cute little faces with the free balloons, nothing wrong with
that. Ah the good old Golden Arches and there was Ronald himself on a
bench with a cute little Thai baby being photographed on his hard,
yellow, plastic lap
"Joyamil."
"Thank you." Bert smiles. By golly, he's even starting to get
the hang of the language.
* * *
Noi was able to report that things were all going according to plan.
Kop had got himself transferred to the freezer room faster than anybody
expected and he seemed to like the work. Just that morning he had
helped unload a truck. Noi had watched from a distance as Kop carried
boxes into McDonalds for stacking in the freezer, Grade A Frozen Meat
Patties, French Fries, Old English Cheddar Cheese
Slices.Semtex...fuses
* * *
Those French Fries weren't half bad thinks Bert. He might order some
more. Perhaps another BigMac then...holyshit... what the fuck
is this?!? Doors at both ends of the restaurant burst open and suddenly
the place is full of heavily armed Thai soldiers, some kind of
SWAT team everywhere it looks like. A bunch of them rush into the
kitchen then next thing they've got a Thai kid in handcuffs and people
are being hustled out of the building. The McDonalds is on the ground
floor of a shopping plaza and pretty soon a sizable crowd is milling
around outside in the street and on the beach. Bert finds himself
standing by some young McDonalds employees.
"What happened?" he asks a girl with a Supervisor badge.
"Boy no good." Says the supervisor pointing across the street where
some cops are manhandling the Thai kid into a truck.
Bert is pleased to notice that Burger King, two doors down, is
unaffected by the commotion. He's still hungry. Would a Whopper get
along OK with a partially digested BigMac he wonders? Good time to find
out. A beer would be nice too. Something to wash it down. Maybe he can
sneak one from the 7/11 into the Burger King. Probably be no
problem at all...hey this is Thailand.
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