A Trail of Smoke

A Trail of Smoke

The memories of the past escaped through the fringes of the present and
altered things from being the way they other wise would have been. Roan
Drake walked towards the graveyard, trudging heavily. Rachel was
already waiting for him, she was pensive and felt heavy with the burden
of this meeting. Inevitably this was going to hurt both of them and
change their lives forever.
He stood transfixed staring defenselessly at her vanishing figure. She
would look back wouldn't she? She had to. She couldn't just leave him
and walk away. Roan waited for Rachel to come back to him take back all
she had just say it was a bad dream but she had just left him kissing
him goodbye forever! How could she? How ever could she do that? To
herself, him and them. All their dreams. "Rachel please come back to me
I can't go on without you." he whispered barely audible even to
himself. No, she couldn't just walk away, he would call her back but at
that moment he was numb. He couldn't move, she had his word, he could
not stop her .To have her within reach and then let her go away! Why
had she wanted him to do this? Helplessly he stood on.
Rachel walked faster picking up stride as she walked away from him.
She couldn't go back for she wouldn't have the courage to say goodbye
again, not once again. She stopped, was he waiting for her, she
wouldn't look back, but was he? Rachel forced herself to go on, she
couldn't go to him now for then she would never leave him .As she
walked away and felt that undying urge to go back to him this
conviction of hers became stronger.
Roan walked away as soon as she disappeared behind gate, the hope of
her return had died. For once even Roan Drake had to agree that the
grapes were unattainable and not sour. In other times he would have
thought differently but now this was happening to him, he was the one
who was left to get hurt.
As he trudged alone unto the outside world away from the remote her
voice echoed everywhere
"I leave you now for ever, Roan, never again to be yours." The feeling
had been so intense that it had almost gone without being noticed, but
now that it was gone he wanted to capture that moment that feeling
within him forever. However as they had walked away through the same
gate as different people that night, each heading towards their now
different destiny, they still shared something beyond them. A ray of
hope, a flame so minute that even they were not aware of its existence.
They walked on deep inside believing and living on because of the fact
that someday they would be brought together by the same fate that
separated them.
Few days past Rachel took her wedding vows with a complete stranger,
who perhaps in a very far away sense of the term loved her. Even a week
ago, this was something that could not happen but now it took shape and
form in front of her eyes as part of her life. Her life without end.
That night she whispered a silent prayer, instilled in it was her
survival. She looked at the man who stood in front of her eyes, a man
she didn't know! She felt frightened and somehow that was not the way
she had dreamt this day of hers to be. "Oh, my god she, "said to
herself "it is already going wrong." Things just couldn't go right for
her now Rachel Winstore, never to be Rachel Drake. No, she must make
the best of what was. Things couldn't be that bad now could they?
Roan walked recklessly on the streets becoming a spectacle of sarcasm.
A smile one too many on his lips to hide the scorn behind it .I go my
merry way and so merry that the street belongs to me. Except?
" Hello there Edina what are you doing here?"
" Oh! Didn't you know? Well I guess I shouldn't tell you ? Waiting for
my?em?. Yeah my brother .You know him don't you Sam a dear boy he is
too. Just graduated?"
" Out with it Edina what is it?"
"Well, Rachel?"
"Yes, what about her?."His tone trying to suppress his earnestness
but?
" She is getting married to Karl Winstore today."
" What? Yeah I mean?Today?"
" Yes, they say she rushed things up a bit so that they could go off
to New York?"
"They are going to America? Well forget about that. Tell me sweet lady
why do you hesitate to tell me this?"
" Well, you and Rachel?"
"Well ignore me and Rachel. Good Day ma'am."
He walked as fast as his feet would carry him, faster than that
perhaps. Edina for once had a wonderful story to tell which would
interest even the half deaf Madam Bluffer .She courteously nodded to
Roan and scurried along to tell all the people she could.
Rachel looked at the dock, she didn't want to return but did she
really want to go away? There were so many people who had gathered to
bid her farewell, many she didn't even know but the man she held most
dear was nowhere to be found. Teardrops glistened in her eyes and Karl
put his arms around her.
He would be he had promised himself the most understanding and loving
husband in the world. She tried to shrug but she couldn't. What would
the people think?
Roan watched as she waved good bye .Any contact of any kind was
forbidden. He was bound by her words. Watching her with another man who
was now much closer to her than he had been. He dreaded this moment but
could not ask himself to walk away leaving her behind. Always she would
be the first to leave. It was customary.
Rachel felt him, she knew he was there and she looked all around, till
the whistle finally blew and she was off to a lonely land far away. Her
skirt fluttered in the breeze and she waved to all the people gathered
there only one did not have the courage to wave back and silently
slipped away to where he belonged. Only in her past.
The years doubled their pace and time waited for no wounds to heal. Of
more importance were the events that took place, Rachel gave birth to a
beautiful girl. Karl was not a bad man at all he was a wonderful
person. Never had there been a time when he was not around when Rachel
needed him .Yet he did not know anything about her. Nothing about her
real self and what he did not know she did not want him to know.
Things that had fallen apart in Roan's life now seemed to stick
together. Life continued without Rachel, her presence little felt at
the surface but her love cherished deep within. He worked in a law firm
and worked his way up the ladder from the bottom.
" This case does not have any chance ?Mr. Drake ? I mean ?Roan it does
not make any sense."
" Leave that to me but who is the man involved? Any political
influence?"
" None sir, I mean Roan ?however makes enough money to provide for our
services."
" That is not what I meant. If he is such a big shot why doesn't he
find some law firm in New York from one of those penthouses?"
" He must have tried sir, but I guess the case is just impossible
nobody wants a black mark on their career. There was nobody else he
could go to. I mean news went out about the way you won your last case
sir but really sir ??.I mean Roan?."
" Never mind that now, continue?.":
" Well, where was I, yeah?they say, the American media was ?well ?lets
put it this way in great praise of your capabilities. You are a sort of
a?let's say idol in the legal world."
" What do you think about this case?"
" Well sir it is about smuggling of tobacco and beef by an English
based American corporate and all evidence goes with the case filed
against this Winstore and Co. Other than this the whole thing does not
make sense."
" You think I can't win it?"
" I didn't mean that? er?Roan ? It's impossible to tell when you are
continents apart."
" I have wanted to go to America for a long time, specially to New
York. Make sure our client makes some arrangements for us."
" You mean you will take up the case without studying it?"
" That decision is mine. See that you book reservations for the plane.
Say for tomorrow"
" Tomorrow! But wait, we can not practice in America."
" Well we are just advisors, he can hire his own lawyers. Now don't
grumble you have to come along with me if you want to head this firm
someday."
Karl waited impatiently for the verdict to be delivered; it could go
either way. No it couldn't he couldn't afford it. Roan Drake had
assured him of success, a failure would mean something neither man
could comply with.
Roan Drake smiled he told his secretary to pack. They had won the
case. He knew he would. He had been defeated just once in life. Only
once. That he would never forget, never really forget Rachel.
" Oh we won?"
" Yes Mr. Winstore I told you we would."
" I guess I should have known. Please Mr. Drake I would like you to
come to dinner tonight."
" Actually we already have reservations for our return. Perhaps another
time."
" You are welcome to visit anytime, anytime and?"
" I understand Mr. Winstore, I am grateful you need not say any
more."
" Well then Mr. Drake it has been wonderful knowing you. Rachel would
have loved to meet you."
" Good bye and it has been a wonderful experience." What did he just
say was it Rachel? No it could not be, he was hearing things, Rachel!
No the memory brought pain.
" Who is Rachel Mr. Winstore? Your daughter?" The name Winstore now
sounded so vaguely familiar.
" NO she is my wife of course." he laughed in amusement to think that
Rona might have thought Rachel was his daughter. His daughter was
hardly two years old and what a dear little thing she was.
" Actually she comes from the other continent too and perhaps you have
met."
" Perhaps."
It could not be. Roan pulled himself back from rushing to conclusions;
he wanted to find out.
" Cancel our reservations."
" But sir? the Lawson case?"
" You will leave tonight and I shall join you in a days time."
" As you wish...Roan..."Boy! Was something going wrong! Here was
something Clare
Would like to know about.
Roan dressed himself up in his finest; they weren't taught that in law
school. What if it was ...it better not be he thought to himself, he
couldn't afford that now. But what if it was his Rachel what could he
do? As he neared the door he felt what a long departed traveler must as
he neared home. First unbound joy, an enchanted silent walk to the
gates in a trance, then a small doubt if he would be accepted now,
inside the gates feeling lost finding the reason he had left was it
fulfilled? The answer to the above Roan did not have .He had never
left, always been left behind.
Rachel had been made aware that she was to expect a guest. It did not
interest her. Her husband was a man of little taste and his
friends?well she had her daughter Diane to look after. She would excuse
herself from dinner. It was not that she found Karl uninteresting but
really sometimes he talked so much about tobacco. The way it was grown,
how the worms that feasted on it were killed with bare hands that it
made her want to spit up .She looked at her daughter sound asleep what
a beautiful angel she was. Karl adored his little darling and he cared
for nothing else but his daughter when he was with her. Not that she
was jealous but ??.anyway he kept reassuring her again and again that
he loved her.
Roan entered the house he was shown into the sitting room, his shoes
were too big and his tie was just too tight. Well why was he so
bothered? It just wouldn't be her but what if it was? It was.
Karl introduced his wife to the best lawyer he had ever known
surprised that they had not met before, really now they did not even
know each other.
Rachel stood unable to take the shock; Roan faced his worst fear. Here
was a woman he could love, lust on but never possess it had never made
sense to him. Dinner was not very unusual except for Rachel's dropping
of the two china bowls, and Karl's bad jokes coming off with peals of
laughter which surprised him and Roan pulling off his tie in the middle
of dinner.
Karl gestured to his wife, something important had come up and that he
must leave, one of the machines in their factory was misbehaving.
" Actually Mr. Drake I would have cancelled it but it was so important.
"
"It's all right, I was just above to leave."
" No, Please, I am sure you two can find enough to talk on, besides you
need not go back to the hotel. I will ask my chauffeur to bring your
luggage here. You can sleep in the guestroom. You can take care of the
two women I love most now will you please do that for me Mr. Drake? I
mean one more favor."
Before Rona could reply he was out of the door .It never occurred to
him that these two people he had just introduced would be any more than
strangers even five days later when he returned. He was sure by then
Roan Drake would have left his life forever. This time his fundamental
calculations had gone wrong.
The door was finally shut behind them and opened between them
Why did you come back Roan? Why now when I was so happy?
How can you be happy Rachel? Without me!
It is now too late Roan too late to?
Well I know.
Rachel was only talking to herself.
Why did you leave Roan?
You went away Rachel, I didn't leave first remember I never actually
left.
Why did you not call me back?
You forbade me to, remember.
You did want to then.
Yes I wanted you.
Roan was caught off guard when Rachel got up; she had not been talking
to him he had been hallucinating.
"Well, Mr. Drake let me show you your room." He might have forgotten
her, she might have never meant that much to him .He might have found
someone else.
"Sure Mrs. Winstore it would be a pleasure."
What happened in the next few days was pure magic. What was lost was
found. As Roan looked into her eyes knew she still loved him. All the
questions that had been in his mind all those years were answered with
just one look into her eyes. Rachel realized that she was the only
woman in his life and then it was over, once again destiny had
separated them. They had not the strength to fight, they departed
heading towards different directions this time knowing they would
somehow get together. Summer passed to autumn and winter till spring
was back again. For Rachel it had been a long impatient wait. Finally
he wrote to her. Roan had tried to forbid himself, but letting her go
away when she was within his reach he could not. He wrote to her of
heart felt feelings too deep to be felt in her presence. In the last
year he had suffered more than in all those painful years put
together.
Dearest Rachel,
If I could express in words what I feel now then I wouldn't be a human
being, but I really want you to know that I loved you before as I have
loved none since then, and in my heart you shall be mine always?
The man who loves you, more than life.
Roan
These letters were returned with counter assurance of love. In the
beauty of spring they were bound together mostly by thoughts and
feelings but rarely by presence. When Karl was away from home Roan
always came by. The beauty in life began to unfold however Rachel felt
a pang of guilt, for, to be with the man she loved she had to let go of
the man wedded to her. When she was with Roan it did not matter but
when Karl was around she lived in hell.
" What we are doing Roan, isn't it wrong?"
" Rachel, do you love me?"
" Yes, Roan more than anything else and always have."
"But you went away!" he whispered
"Don't say that Roan, I am with you now that is what really
matters."
" Yes, that is the only thing that matters to me but you?"
" No Roan don't get angry?
" No love, I can't be, I can never get angry with you."
" I love you Roan I want to be yours forever."
"And yet?," he said softly, " and yet you belong to another man."
" No Roan I belong to you."
" How wonderful it feels to hear this from you and just a few years
back I would have given up everything just to hear you say that, but
now?"
"But now what... Roan, why? Don't you love me now? " She was close to
tears.
" No, love I love you, more now than ever, again knowing that you will
never be mine."
"Roan?"
" Yes, Rachel"
" I am frightened."
" Don't be, love, I am there, living for us."
Their secret rendezvous kept only between them. Both knew that it
could not go on for long but they wanted to make best use of it now
that it was there. In delight of a child they played on, a game which
was more important. Waiting for the other ones letters to arrive,
impatiently tearing the envelope and reading like a hungry beast words
that had remained the only hope to the vanquished hearts. Time passed
on and the joy of receiving those words became boundless and when they
did not arrive life was hell for them and the people around them.
In the heat of summer when Karl came home Rachel was nowhere to be
found. When she returned home in the evening she was happier than he
had ever seen her before. He knew however that what he had to tell her
would only spoil her gladness.
" Rachel, I have to leave today. I will return after a week, take care
of Diane."
" Oh! All right. "Her tone indifferent
" Aren't you mad at me?"
" Why should I be Karl, it is your life, she is your daughter."
" If you don't want me to go, darling, I will not go."
" Don't go Karl. I don't have a very good feeling about this." Knowing
very well that he would not yield to her request.
" I have to darling, I will be back, as soon as I can."
" You really don't remember do you?"
"What love?"
" How special this day is."
" Today, what is so special about today? Let me see." He stopped; no he
couldn't have forgotten if it was important.
" Our Anniversary of course,"
"No, don't guess Karl, you really forgot."
" Diane's' Birthday, really now!"
" C'mmon Karl you forgot. Just go Karl and?. try to remember."
" Now, Rachel?"
" Go Karl just get away from here and don't come back."
" Bye Love, take care of Diane, she is our daughter."
He walked away what was special about today? The 8th of May ?why was
it so important?"
Was it his mother's birthday or something? No ? couldn't be ? She had
been dead for twelve years now and Rachel didn't even know her. Was it
?oh god?it couldn't be but wasn't it Rachel's birthday?
There now he had really screwed things up. Not only was it her
birthday, it was the day they had met and he had given his word never
to forget that. He adjusted himself to tie his seat belt?the flight
attendant announced that they would soon take off?. The engine roared
to life and the machine was airborne?Karl had never liked flying but?he
would make it up to Rachel he said to himself. She had been such a
wonderful wife to him, such a wonderful woman in his life he had to
make it up for her.
He thought of Diane their daughter; he was a happy man then with one
happy family. Few men he said to himself can have that in today's
world.
Roan sank into the sofa, exhausted; he had won what the media called
the most impossible of all cases. Victory was like elixir of life for
him, today he was the most talked about lawyer in the legal world but
even he had to admit that on this particular day he had been lucky. The
8th of May was always lucky for him for on that day God had sent on
earth the woman he loved; he thanked God for her everyday. Thanked him
for her existence. Then he took a look at the telegram in front of him.
He knew it was from Rachel, he was saving it for later when he was
alone.
Roan (.) Karl dead (.) plane crash (.) please come (.) need you (.)
Rachel
Roan sat bolt upright. Hours later he boarded the plane taking him to
Rachel. Karl dead! That was horrible, poor Rachel his poor girl. He had
to be with her now .He could not wait to be with her stand by her now
when everything seemed lost.
Rachel looked at what remained of Karl. Never had she loved him but he
had been a cherished friend and most certainly her warrior in the
battlefield. All the times when they had worked together leaving all
others behind in their race. She still remembered the hundreds of times
he had said sorry just to make her glad and how happy he had been when
Diane was born. She could never forget that look of joy on his face and
then to look at the shambles that were left of him that was almost
inhuman. Tears fell and she mourned the loss of a martyr in her battle
.Her battle with her stars. She remembered what her last words to him
were" Go Karl just get away from here and don't come back" He would
never come back.
. She hoped Roan would come sooner. Finally he was there, but she
looked at him and stood still, Karl had never known about Roan and her.
He had trusted him and her and how they had betrayed him! She felt
ashamed of herself.
Roan walked into the gates of the house belonging to Rachel; suddenly
it was a happy occasion for finally Rachel could be his with nothing in
between them. His feet picked up stride as he walked ahead ,the world
was transformed into paradise .
Rachel looked uncomfortably at Roan; all the guests were preparing to
leave. Roan watched her as she sat by the fireplace .She looked so
beautiful her dark hair shone golden and her pale skin was animated by
the flame, her eyes glistened?she must be he said to him self a
celestial being .The flame in him was rekindled and now it occupied all
the space in his heart. He urged himself to ask her?. He had never said
this before?but he had to?and now.
" Rachel I want to tell you?. er?something." He looked at her as the
flame danced on her face.
" Roan, no please ?not today." She was afraid this is where it would
get.
" But I must Rachel, please I must ?I have waited Rachel I have been
patient but now?please Rachel you will only leave me again, please let
me say this?"
" I don't think I can stop you, in that case, anyway go on."
" Rachel ?I love you and I know that you?"
" Please Roan ?all right continue?is all right."
"Well, I'll get there fast" he sat down the ground in front of her and
reached out for her hand.
Rachel felt a wonderful feeling in her as he touched her, she felt him
?and it was wonderful. The flame in her too was rekindled. Destiny had
finally allowed that desperately sought meeting.
" Will you marry me Rachel?"
"Roan?really ?Roan ?I don't know what to say?"
" Say yes my love say yes."
" That cannot be Roan?"
" You disappoint me love?" He felt shattered.
"I need some time Roan, some more time alone."
" Take all the time in the world Rachel and I shall still be there
waiting for you till the end of time."
" You are wonderful Roan really, truly wonderful."
" You see that is the problem, many a time I wish it was not that
way."
" Roan can I ask you for something?"
" Anything my love anything, my life at your service."
" Could you return my letters to you?"
" ?You ask for something more precious than life and yet I shall not
fail to please you?"
" Thank you Roan."
For weeks Karl was missed and many a tear was shed for him. Diane cried
for her papa and said that she saw him in the night and that he cried
when he sat next to her. Rachel kept asking her what he said she could
only say a few shattered sentences? care? of D.......iane , she ?is?
o?..ur........ d..au..ghter.{she is our daughter}it only made Rachel
more miserable.
In the nights she sat with her letters carefully assessing her feelings
for Roan. Every letter just convinced her that she loved him, really
loved him. Then might be she should marry him, then at once her
thoughts went back to Karl what a wonderful person he was and how she
had deceived him. This continued for a whole month.
Roan told her that he would accept whatever she said. He actually knew
what she would say, with Karl dead she had no other obstacle to tackle.
She would say yes!
Rachel sat by the fire to pick up one more letter and stacked the rest
neatly near the sofa. This was Roan's first letter to her. If she were
to marry him she thought and they had children what would happen to
Diane would she be able to give Diane equal attention? Would Roan be a
father to the daughter of the man he hated ? Would she be an unbiased
mother to the daughter of a man to whom she had done much wrong?
She lay there in thought and did not notice as Diane ran into the room.
He curly hair falling on her face and her eyes filled with curiosity,
she went near the fire and saw that it was very small, it seemed to
attract her attention somehow. She picked up the papers {letters}
neatly stacked by the sofa one by one she threw them into the fire and
clapped her hands with delight as each brought out a colorful red
spark. The fire got bigger and bigger and the sound of the claps
brought Rachel back to the present. She looked at what was happening in
anger and in rage. Tears fumed to her eyes, she ran towards Diane and
then the little girl faced her mother with a beautiful smile that
melted all anger. As Rachel looked into her eyes she saw innocence and
with that she saw life. Yes, she had given a part of her life to this
beautiful creature in front of her?she remembered Karl's words She is
our daughter. Somehow nothing else mattered; she had received in that
one moment everything she ever wanted to have. She looked at the pieces
of the disappearing letters she did not grieve she had found something
more superior. She smiled and brought back the letter she was reading,
and gave it to Diane who knew exactly what to do .It joined the rest
and Rachel watched the delight in her child's face as the spark came
out of the flame .As she put her Diane to sleep that night and caressed
her hair she felt the charm of life, moments before she would have
never understood that such happiness was possible but now she had found
it within her own life, in her daughter. She went back to the fire
place and watched what remained of those letters at that moment the
flame in her heart burnt out and all that was left behind both here and
outside was?a trail of smoke.