Matilda Fudge and Lord Fruity

Once upon a time long long ago, far far away there lived a man so small that when he was an infant he could sit on a small stone. He lived in a small cottage made out of seashells, seaweed and sand. Surrounding his cottage was a little patch of land where the midget man cultivated strawberries, raspberries and gooseberries. His midget friends because of this called him Lord Fruity which stuck. This led him to have a wooden engraving of his nickname above his driftwood door.

Just a few hundred yards opposite Lord Fruity’s front gate where little children like your good self love to swing was the largest cottage anybody had ever seen. To you and I this cottage would be classed as a palace or even a mansion but not to its owner. Her name was Matilda Fudge who because of her last name had an aversion to the foodstuff. Matilda was gigantic in size and when she strolled past the sun the seaside town in which Lord Fruity and Matilda Fudge lived would be plunged into a brief eclipse.

Now Matilda Fudge was deeply in love with Lord Fruity but she was worried that Lord Fruity would not be in love with her. He seemed to be preoccupied with his strawberries, raspberries and gooseberries. All she had was a collection of very nice dresses made out of the finest sequins and silk that she made herself. All very pleasant for the piebald doves that she conversed with to look at but what would a strawberry, raspberry and gooseberry farmer like Lord Fruity want with them? His interest was in his strawberries, raspberries and gooseberries. She went for a walk one day feeling very sorry for herself. Only the creatures that flew high in the air like the eagle and the vulture were able to see how sad she was and when they looked straight into her moist eyes the birds would drop down dead directly into the mouths of the sharks in the ocean blue. This is why her little dove friends looked in the opposite direction when talking to her.

Ironically the man she was in love with was also deeply in love with her. He thought that a woman as elegant as her would have no interest in a midget who cultivated strawberries, raspberries and gooseberries. Lord Fruity sat in his rags and conversed with the field mice that sometimes helped themselves to his strawberries, raspberries and gooseberries. The little rodents tried to impart some helpful advice but metaphorically they hit a brick wall. It was no use. So the field mice went away for a bit. The same problem happened with the piebald doves so they too went away for a bit. Now The Coincidence Faerie worked her little magic by making sure that the field mice and the piebald doves met. Both told each other that Lord Fruity and Matilda Fudge were deeply in love. Suddenly they saw two strands of billowing black smoke in the sky. Matilda Fudge was burning her dresses and Lord Fruity was burning his strawberries, raspberries and gooseberries. “Stop! Stop!” They all cried, “Can’t you both realise how deeply in love you are with each other?” Then Lord Fruity looked up at Matilda Fudge who lifted him to her lips and kissed. In the process Lord Fruity was swallowed so now he lives in Matilda Fudge’s stomach and this time he grows sugar, cocoa and chilli whilst she now makes suits of armour for dragons.

And they live happily ever after.
© 2009 Clinton Morgan